Gay Male New to Al-Anon
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 2
Gay Male New to Al-Anon
I am a gay male who recently ended a relationship due to my partners alcoholism. I am starting to attend Al-Anon meetings in the Minneapolis area, but have not found any that I am completely comfortable with due being gay. I am looking for guidance from others who are in or have been in my situation.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hello rj,
Welcome to the forums! If you'll look at the bottom of this screen you'll see a listing that includes "gay and lesbian resources". Maybe a link in there will help you find what you're looking for in MN. And always feel free to hang out here with us. So many of the strains that alcoholism produces in those who love the alcoholic are the same whether it's your child, parent, sibling spouse or partner. And we've been there.
Hugs,
Smoke
Welcome to the forums! If you'll look at the bottom of this screen you'll see a listing that includes "gay and lesbian resources". Maybe a link in there will help you find what you're looking for in MN. And always feel free to hang out here with us. So many of the strains that alcoholism produces in those who love the alcoholic are the same whether it's your child, parent, sibling spouse or partner. And we've been there.
Hugs,
Smoke
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hi and welcome
I'm sorry that you had to end your relationship due to problems with alcoholism. That is very hard. I'm glad you are looking for help here and from Alanon meetings. Both of those things will help you to deal with all of the feelings you must be having right now. This is a good place to find encouragement, strength and hope.
Peace,
Gabe
Peace,
Gabe
Guest
Posts: n/a
Hi rj,
Welcome to the forum. I found a link that may help you find a face to face meeting. You are welcome here with us too.
http://www.glbtinrecovery.com/meetings.html
Hugs,
MG
Welcome to the forum. I found a link that may help you find a face to face meeting. You are welcome here with us too.
http://www.glbtinrecovery.com/meetings.html
Hugs,
MG
Paused
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: New England
Posts: 17
Hi RJ and welcome!
I am sorry you are having a tough time finding somewhere in MN where you are comfortable. I hope you can find comfort here in the meantime because gay or straight when dealing with alcoholics we all feel the same pain.
Hugggggzzzzzzz
Spent
I am sorry you are having a tough time finding somewhere in MN where you are comfortable. I hope you can find comfort here in the meantime because gay or straight when dealing with alcoholics we all feel the same pain.
Hugggggzzzzzzz
Spent
Paused
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 2
Thnaks to all for the support and encouragement. I will continue looking for a meeting that will work for me and will use this resource as well. I appreciate your replies. Any advice and instruction for the best way to use this site and communicate would be great!
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
Mrs. Drunk goes to a meeting in St. Paul that has a "newcomers" meeting every Saturday AM. Hit me up with a PM if you want details.
I have a few gay friends in AA. I don't think they go to al-anon, but I'll hit them up to see if they know of any GLBT al-anon meetings around.
I have a few gay friends in AA. I don't think they go to al-anon, but I'll hit them up to see if they know of any GLBT al-anon meetings around.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Welcome CES5423! There's lots of good info and support here and in Al Anon and AA in RL!
Here's the link to a current GLBT thread in another part of this site:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-2-a.html
Also, I think maybe the reason the links from further up the thread don't work is because this is a really old thread -- your post was the first since 2003!
rudeawakening:
Typically members of oppressed minorities who have in the past been themselves mistreated and discriminated against by members of the "majority" often feel more comfortable, at least at first, if they can attend groups that are at least identified as "welcoming" to members of their particular minority and where they can feel more certain they will be with at least some other people "like them."
In addition, since the family disease of alcoholism is one that both thrives on and nurtures extremely low self-esteem and since members of oppressed minority groups often have specific additional self-esteem issues directly related to their oppression within the larger culture, members of these groups can often offer each other support and understanding that members of the majority group simply do not have to give.
So, it's not so much that it has anything to do with how one deals with dysfunctional alcoholics as it has to do with how one prefers to avoid dealing with any additional dysfunctional bigots while one is also beginning to try to to learn how to deal with dysfunctional alcoholics.
I'm not sure how possible it is for people who have never been on the receiving end of pervasive discrimination to understand and relate to the need for this particular kind of "safety," but it is something I know is important to a lot of people, especially when they are venturing into something that is already challenging enough.
All that being said, I will say that, here in Rochester, we don't have any GLBT Al Anon groups, and, despite the fact that I am an very out lesbian and never play pronoun games when talking about my partner or my life, I have not really had any problems with feeling excluded, looked-down upon, whatever.....There are lots of GBLT AA meetings here and my partner and I do attend them -- but we also attend other meetings and have never had a problem...Also, we attend meetings when we travel and have done so in some in some pretty rural, conservative areas - again with no problem even though we are a very out, very obvious butch-femme couple.
My experience is that anyone who is seriously working a strong 12 Step program is really not going to be engaging in a lot of intolerance, prejudice, judgmentalism, or whatever......
As I've posted elsewhere, my personal repsonse to anyone who tries to make his/her own insecurity and/or bigotry and/or intolerance my problem has been simply to thank them for their honesty and tell them calmly but fimly that, as the obect of their intolerance or the trigger of their insecurity, I'm really probably not the best person to help them through it and so it's probably something they need to discuss more thoroughly with their sponsor....(and, as far as the issue of sexuality goes, I've only had to say that once...I had to say it one other time in relation to something else.)
The thing to remember in Al Anon, as anyplace else, is that other people's bigotry, insecurity, and intolerance is their problem, and you do not have to let it become yours or in any way prevent you from getting the help you need in dealing with alcoholism and the alcoholic(s) in your life.
freya
Here's the link to a current GLBT thread in another part of this site:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-2-a.html
Also, I think maybe the reason the links from further up the thread don't work is because this is a really old thread -- your post was the first since 2003!
Originally Posted by rudeawakening 
I'm sorry, but what does sexual preference behind closed door have anything to do with learning how to deal with dysfunctional Alcoholics ?
Typically members of oppressed minorities who have in the past been themselves mistreated and discriminated against by members of the "majority" often feel more comfortable, at least at first, if they can attend groups that are at least identified as "welcoming" to members of their particular minority and where they can feel more certain they will be with at least some other people "like them."
In addition, since the family disease of alcoholism is one that both thrives on and nurtures extremely low self-esteem and since members of oppressed minority groups often have specific additional self-esteem issues directly related to their oppression within the larger culture, members of these groups can often offer each other support and understanding that members of the majority group simply do not have to give.
So, it's not so much that it has anything to do with how one deals with dysfunctional alcoholics as it has to do with how one prefers to avoid dealing with any additional dysfunctional bigots while one is also beginning to try to to learn how to deal with dysfunctional alcoholics.
I'm not sure how possible it is for people who have never been on the receiving end of pervasive discrimination to understand and relate to the need for this particular kind of "safety," but it is something I know is important to a lot of people, especially when they are venturing into something that is already challenging enough.
All that being said, I will say that, here in Rochester, we don't have any GLBT Al Anon groups, and, despite the fact that I am an very out lesbian and never play pronoun games when talking about my partner or my life, I have not really had any problems with feeling excluded, looked-down upon, whatever.....There are lots of GBLT AA meetings here and my partner and I do attend them -- but we also attend other meetings and have never had a problem...Also, we attend meetings when we travel and have done so in some in some pretty rural, conservative areas - again with no problem even though we are a very out, very obvious butch-femme couple.
My experience is that anyone who is seriously working a strong 12 Step program is really not going to be engaging in a lot of intolerance, prejudice, judgmentalism, or whatever......
As I've posted elsewhere, my personal repsonse to anyone who tries to make his/her own insecurity and/or bigotry and/or intolerance my problem has been simply to thank them for their honesty and tell them calmly but fimly that, as the obect of their intolerance or the trigger of their insecurity, I'm really probably not the best person to help them through it and so it's probably something they need to discuss more thoroughly with their sponsor....(and, as far as the issue of sexuality goes, I've only had to say that once...I had to say it one other time in relation to something else.)
The thing to remember in Al Anon, as anyplace else, is that other people's bigotry, insecurity, and intolerance is their problem, and you do not have to let it become yours or in any way prevent you from getting the help you need in dealing with alcoholism and the alcoholic(s) in your life.
freya
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hello ces5423 and welcome to SR. 
This thread was started over three years ago and that is probably why the link there no longer works.
I hope this helps you:
Al-Anon in the Desert - Home
760-674-9554
this # is the answering service for that district: 888-512-0061
Once you get a list of scheduled meetings, you can look for a special focus GLBT group if that makes you feel more comfortable. In the meantime I hope you will try at least six meetings regardless of their focus- I'm sure you will find plenty of support.
This thread was started over three years ago and that is probably why the link there no longer works.
I hope this helps you:
Al-Anon in the Desert - Home
760-674-9554
this # is the answering service for that district: 888-512-0061
Once you get a list of scheduled meetings, you can look for a special focus GLBT group if that makes you feel more comfortable. In the meantime I hope you will try at least six meetings regardless of their focus- I'm sure you will find plenty of support.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: OKLAHOMA CITY OKLA
Posts: 43
Personally who cares what your sexaul life has to do with going to a meeting.
You are in the same boat as every one else. I to have left my b/f I am a female but we are still facing the same thing it is so hard. You have loved this person you have tired everything but in the end you just can not compete with the bottle. It sucks. I have many gay friends and one is with a alcholic also he still puts up with it but his b/fis a happy achloic but that would also drive me crazy. I also am thinking of going to a meeting maybe. Maybe it would help me understand why I get the same kind of man over and over again. I hope you go and sorry for your pain because it is painful. The acholic they can block there pain by getting sloshed all the time.
So being gay is no big thing. We all are just who we are. Let me know how it goes.
I hope they do not call you out and make you speak or anything I would be a nervous wreck!!!!! Good Luck
Kelli....
You are in the same boat as every one else. I to have left my b/f I am a female but we are still facing the same thing it is so hard. You have loved this person you have tired everything but in the end you just can not compete with the bottle. It sucks. I have many gay friends and one is with a alcholic also he still puts up with it but his b/fis a happy achloic but that would also drive me crazy. I also am thinking of going to a meeting maybe. Maybe it would help me understand why I get the same kind of man over and over again. I hope you go and sorry for your pain because it is painful. The acholic they can block there pain by getting sloshed all the time.
So being gay is no big thing. We all are just who we are. Let me know how it goes.
I hope they do not call you out and make you speak or anything I would be a nervous wreck!!!!! Good Luck
Kelli....
Looking for the silver lining
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Just wanted to give you a big hug ((((( :ghug ))))))) and a warm welcome. Ever since I got here to this forum, I have had so much help dealing with alcoholism, co-dependency and the way it has affected my life, my family, and my marriage. It has been a tremendous lift for me. I hope that you too find this forum a great source of comfort! Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 13
Hey there,
I'm also gay, and broke up with my xabf around 11 months ago. For whatever it's worth, there are a couple of things, at least in my experience, that make the gay angle on all of this a little different. First, addiction (of many types) is more prevalent in the gay male community than within the population as a whole. Bars are often a critical part of the way gay men socialize with one another, making heavy drinking not only socially acceptable within large parts of the community, but making it often seem like a necessary part of socializing. Second, because (among other things) sex is more easily available for gay men than for the population as a whole, excessive drinking or another addictive behaviors can sometimes to risky sexual behavior, potentially raising a whole other set of issues. This does not, of course, mean that straight people and gay people have significantly different experiences when dealing with the insanity that comes along with being the partner of an A, but in my experience, there may be some important differences to be aware of given the context that many gay men operate within.
I'm also gay, and broke up with my xabf around 11 months ago. For whatever it's worth, there are a couple of things, at least in my experience, that make the gay angle on all of this a little different. First, addiction (of many types) is more prevalent in the gay male community than within the population as a whole. Bars are often a critical part of the way gay men socialize with one another, making heavy drinking not only socially acceptable within large parts of the community, but making it often seem like a necessary part of socializing. Second, because (among other things) sex is more easily available for gay men than for the population as a whole, excessive drinking or another addictive behaviors can sometimes to risky sexual behavior, potentially raising a whole other set of issues. This does not, of course, mean that straight people and gay people have significantly different experiences when dealing with the insanity that comes along with being the partner of an A, but in my experience, there may be some important differences to be aware of given the context that many gay men operate within.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
Posts: 845
this might help. from Al-Anon and Alateen
Al-Anon Family Groups Welcomes Gays and Lesbians
Al-Anon Is for All Families and
Friends of Alcoholics
“When I attended my first Al-Anon meeting, I was afraid for two reasons. The first was what everyone else experiences—that my family would never again be normal, and that my last resort, Al-Anon, would not be able to help. But my second reason was that I was gay, coming into a room of straight people who might judge me for being who I am, and they might reject my plea for assistance. Both fears were unfounded.”
Unique Lives, Common Experiences
Al-Anon Family Groups is for anyone whose life has been affected by someone else’s drinking. It is a fellowship of families and friends of alcoholics who come together to share their experience, strength, and hope to recover from the effects of alcoholism.
One of the things we find by sharing in meetings is that while each of us is different, we also have a lot in common. It is, in fact, in the sharing of our diversity and unique experience that we break down our walls of isolation, grow in understanding, realize we are not alone, and learn we deserve full, happy, and productive lives.
“When I first came to Al-Anon, I thought if the members knew I was a lesbian, they would reject me, and I needed their help. I would use ‘he’ or ‘they’ to refer to my partner and then cry because I couldn’t be honest. One night after a meeting when three of us were talking, I was asked a question I couldn’t answer truthfully without giving myself away. Shaking and scared, I took a chance and said my relationship was with a woman. I was a lesbian. What I got back was acceptance and support. One of these women became my Sponsor and both are part of my support system.”
What we find in Al-Anon is acceptance, love, and a place to heal. We find loving voices and caring people who guide us gently along the path to recovery. Regardless of our individual personalities, backgrounds or opinions, we are welcomed.
“I kept coming back for several reasons. The group asked me to come back. I can’t ever remember feeling that kind of warmth and acceptance before. Although I was afraid they wouldn’t relate to me, I knew I related to them. While our external situations and circumstances were often different, our feelings were the same. Also, at that point I was desperate and totally void of hope. The mere fact that these people were dealing gracefully with their situations let me know it was possible.”
How Al-Anon Works
In sharing our experience, strength, and hope, we cannot help revealing some details and particulars of our lives. It is important that we feel free to do so, for only in an environment in which we can shed our fears are we able to grow. Regardless of our sexual orientation, there are certain matters that are better shared one-on-one with a trusted friend. By keeping our meetings focused on our Al-Anon recovery, we are able to put our problems into perspective and, by listening to the sharing of others, we learn how to make our own lives more manageable.
“After a few meetings, the idea slowly formed that maybe my being a gay man wasn’t really the problem after all, that maybe the problem was alcoholism. I kept coming back and slowly, one day at a time, the unconditional love of the Al-Anon fellowship enfolded me. I was accepted exactly as I was, perhaps for the first time in my life. The members continued to share their experience, strength, and hope with me and to look beyond my being gay (where my focus kept returning) to my being affected by the family disease of alcoholism. Gradually I began to heal: the group members accepted me and that gave me permission to accept myself; they said they loved me and that gave me permission to love myself.”
“I’m not in Al-Anon to talk about my sexuality as such. I’m there because somebody else’s alcoholism has affected my life. Being gay is a part of me, so it’s inevitably going to be a part of my story.”
Each Al-Anon meeting is slightly different and, since we are all individuals, we may well visit several meetings before we find at least one at which we feel at home. Some Al-Anon meetings may be designated as “gay and lesbian,” where newcomers may feel more comfortable sharing with other gay and lesbian members. However, every Al-Anon group welcomes all families and friends of alcoholics. Alcoholism is our common bond, and we come together with willingness to listen and learn and to share the message of hope with others in the fellowship.
“What I love about Al-Anon meetings is that I am getting close to people who normally I would not be able to know so well, for most of my friends are gay or lesbian. And I hear from my Al-Anon brothers and sisters in meetings that they enjoy getting to know us, as they might not otherwise be able to. Walls are disappearing, and love and community are growing and expanding.”
An Open Door
Al-Anon has continually offered an open door to all of us who have suffered from loving someone—partner, relative, or friend—who is an alcoholic. Diverse as we are, it is inevitable that we will sometimes disagree, but we recognize that in order to recover from the effects of this powerful disease, we need to look beyond our own narrow individual limits for help, understanding, and support. We strive always to place principles above personalities.
“I focused less and less on being gay as I grew in my understanding of the family disease of alcoholism and truly saw how it had devastated my entire life.”
No matter what our life experience may be, we are united in our gratitude for the countless open doors that welcome us to the rooms of Al-Anon, where we find peace, understanding, contentment, and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
“I am continually awed by the humbling equality of the recovery we are all seeking under the one big roof of worldwide Al-Anon.”
Al-Anon Family Groups Welcomes Gays and Lesbians
Al-Anon Is for All Families and
Friends of Alcoholics
“When I attended my first Al-Anon meeting, I was afraid for two reasons. The first was what everyone else experiences—that my family would never again be normal, and that my last resort, Al-Anon, would not be able to help. But my second reason was that I was gay, coming into a room of straight people who might judge me for being who I am, and they might reject my plea for assistance. Both fears were unfounded.”
Unique Lives, Common Experiences
Al-Anon Family Groups is for anyone whose life has been affected by someone else’s drinking. It is a fellowship of families and friends of alcoholics who come together to share their experience, strength, and hope to recover from the effects of alcoholism.
One of the things we find by sharing in meetings is that while each of us is different, we also have a lot in common. It is, in fact, in the sharing of our diversity and unique experience that we break down our walls of isolation, grow in understanding, realize we are not alone, and learn we deserve full, happy, and productive lives.
“When I first came to Al-Anon, I thought if the members knew I was a lesbian, they would reject me, and I needed their help. I would use ‘he’ or ‘they’ to refer to my partner and then cry because I couldn’t be honest. One night after a meeting when three of us were talking, I was asked a question I couldn’t answer truthfully without giving myself away. Shaking and scared, I took a chance and said my relationship was with a woman. I was a lesbian. What I got back was acceptance and support. One of these women became my Sponsor and both are part of my support system.”
What we find in Al-Anon is acceptance, love, and a place to heal. We find loving voices and caring people who guide us gently along the path to recovery. Regardless of our individual personalities, backgrounds or opinions, we are welcomed.
“I kept coming back for several reasons. The group asked me to come back. I can’t ever remember feeling that kind of warmth and acceptance before. Although I was afraid they wouldn’t relate to me, I knew I related to them. While our external situations and circumstances were often different, our feelings were the same. Also, at that point I was desperate and totally void of hope. The mere fact that these people were dealing gracefully with their situations let me know it was possible.”
How Al-Anon Works
In sharing our experience, strength, and hope, we cannot help revealing some details and particulars of our lives. It is important that we feel free to do so, for only in an environment in which we can shed our fears are we able to grow. Regardless of our sexual orientation, there are certain matters that are better shared one-on-one with a trusted friend. By keeping our meetings focused on our Al-Anon recovery, we are able to put our problems into perspective and, by listening to the sharing of others, we learn how to make our own lives more manageable.
“After a few meetings, the idea slowly formed that maybe my being a gay man wasn’t really the problem after all, that maybe the problem was alcoholism. I kept coming back and slowly, one day at a time, the unconditional love of the Al-Anon fellowship enfolded me. I was accepted exactly as I was, perhaps for the first time in my life. The members continued to share their experience, strength, and hope with me and to look beyond my being gay (where my focus kept returning) to my being affected by the family disease of alcoholism. Gradually I began to heal: the group members accepted me and that gave me permission to accept myself; they said they loved me and that gave me permission to love myself.”
“I’m not in Al-Anon to talk about my sexuality as such. I’m there because somebody else’s alcoholism has affected my life. Being gay is a part of me, so it’s inevitably going to be a part of my story.”
Each Al-Anon meeting is slightly different and, since we are all individuals, we may well visit several meetings before we find at least one at which we feel at home. Some Al-Anon meetings may be designated as “gay and lesbian,” where newcomers may feel more comfortable sharing with other gay and lesbian members. However, every Al-Anon group welcomes all families and friends of alcoholics. Alcoholism is our common bond, and we come together with willingness to listen and learn and to share the message of hope with others in the fellowship.
“What I love about Al-Anon meetings is that I am getting close to people who normally I would not be able to know so well, for most of my friends are gay or lesbian. And I hear from my Al-Anon brothers and sisters in meetings that they enjoy getting to know us, as they might not otherwise be able to. Walls are disappearing, and love and community are growing and expanding.”
An Open Door
Al-Anon has continually offered an open door to all of us who have suffered from loving someone—partner, relative, or friend—who is an alcoholic. Diverse as we are, it is inevitable that we will sometimes disagree, but we recognize that in order to recover from the effects of this powerful disease, we need to look beyond our own narrow individual limits for help, understanding, and support. We strive always to place principles above personalities.
“I focused less and less on being gay as I grew in my understanding of the family disease of alcoholism and truly saw how it had devastated my entire life.”
No matter what our life experience may be, we are united in our gratitude for the countless open doors that welcome us to the rooms of Al-Anon, where we find peace, understanding, contentment, and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
“I am continually awed by the humbling equality of the recovery we are all seeking under the one big roof of worldwide Al-Anon.”
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