justtired

Hi everyone

So I've been watching my abf as he attempts to figure out whether or not he is an addict. At first it was interesting to see him putting so much thought into it. Seemed he was really trying to figure it out and was very serious about nipping this thing in the bud before he loses everything.

So it started out that he filled his pill box. That lasted about 4 days and I noticed that his pills of abuse were disappearing faster than the others. He of course had an excuse for this. He started with the pill box across the room out of arms reach along with the remaining meds. Then one day he picked up a prescription from the pharmacy and took them back by him to refill it. Of course it never ended up refilled or back to it's original location.

I thought this was suspicious so I did take a look and low and behold he has 7 pills left with two weeks to go on his prescription. I didn't say anything about it and wanted to see what he would do.

So this is where I'm at a loss. The things he's saying and doing make no sense to me whatsoever. So he is now going through withdrawal. Yesterday he told me that it was because he didn't call in his Vyvanse on time and was going through a bit of withdrawal from that. Then yesterday he tells me that he decided to go without the hydro because he has an apt. with his psychiatrist (who has talked to him about suboxone) and he wanted to be 24 hours without just in case they decided to start suboxone. Of course that makes no sense. Who would put themselves through withdrawal JUST IN CASE???

Sorry, this is getting longer than I meant for it to be.

Anyway, so last night he makes a comment about losing meds in the cushions of the chair. I said he'd lose a lot fewer if he used the pill box like he said he was going to. He said that he was going to, but that he had taken more of his pills last week. He said that he took too many, but it was for experimentation purposes and he told me about it, which apparently makes it ok. I wish I could remember exactly what he told me, but I think my brain blocked some of it out because it was unable to comprehend. He said something to the effect that he took them to see if they had a cap. He said he took them until he could "feel it in his head" and then took more to see if it had continued effect. He determined that there was a cap where it stopped making him feel different. He also determined that if he feels pain, that he can not not take them. If they are here and he has pain, he will take them. He said this is the first time he's taken them purposely wrong.

OK. So if you are trying to see if you can control them... wouldn't you just see if you can control them? Not purposely abuse them? I mean what exactly is the purpose in this? Why is this such a huge experiment for him?

In my opinion:
I am unable to take my meds as prescribed, repeatedly = I am an addict.

No need to experiment etc. Am I right?

The way I'm reading this is, I took too many of my meds. I now need to find a "logical" reason why I did so it doesn't look like I didn't have control.

Anyone see anything different out of this series of events than what I'm getting. Because on my end, it's not looking too good for him figuring this out correctly...

Thanks all for once again reading my long post. Dang, it seems like I need to figure out how to write a "condensed version"!

ex D-Boy

you seem like a smart girl who already knows the deal with your boyfriend.

The only people who constantly run out of medication each month are addicts. One small piece of advice (1 opiate user to another[your boyfriend]) Do not start him on suboxone. That is like trading a scrape on the arm for a knife wound.

I am always in amazement at the multiple doctors who are more than willing to put people on small opiod addictions (hydrocodone, norcos, codeine etc) on a stronger, more addictive opiod (buprenorphine aka suboxone) to try and taper them off.

Your boyfriend is at a perfect time to kick this in the as.s while its still semi-manageable. In time, he will only climb up the opiate ladder and things will get even nastier.

Teggie

((((Justtired)))))

Honey, you know your right. I can tell you yes, he appears to be out of control but you already know that. And I know how you feel, I so know it.

There is no expermenting, he's taking the extras for the high. And he will lie, repeatedly, to try to keep you at bay. Beleive me I know. He will tell you it's the "pain" and that you don't understand how bad the "pain" is.

Addicts will lie. Over and over. And when they have actual chronic pain issues they will cross the line all the time.

If I had a nickel for everytime AH lied to me or gave me some bullcrap story I could retire early.

I can only give my experience. AH started out abusing his prescription. Of course the whole time he's smoking pot too. Then it progressed to him getting extra pain pills illegally from "friends" or god knows where & pawning stuff or working on peeps cars or whatever to pay for it. And me going insane trying to hide the meds. Dole out the pillboxes, all along not really knowing how bad it was. And it was bad. He became my addiction & I was in a huge pit with no way out, or so I thought.

The disease will progress unless he stops it. It will destroy you if you let it.

I started going to Alanon, learned some recovery tools. Came here, learned more. One day someone posted to me "When is this situation not going to be good enough for you anymore?" That really hit me. I was getting so weary of it all & my life was nothing but continued chaos, lies & not good enough.

I started making plans, baby steps, I knew I didn't have to take action today I just needed to have a plan. ok how can I do this on my own? Is he as necessary to my life as I imagined? I found out I was doing almost all of it anyways. I could hire someone to take care of the yard, family to help with the kids etc etc. He wasn't as necessary as he wanted me to beleive he was.

Once I knew I could if I had to I kept that knowledge in the back of my mind. And hoped, time after time, he would get better.

But he didn't, he got worse. And it finally came down to him having to leave or I was going to the mental hospital. I guess I hit my bottom at that time.

I hurt, I miss him. I love the man and hate the addict. The addict has no place in my home. And so he has no place in my home until he gets help. And even if he does I don't know if I can take him back. He has hurt me and lied to me so much I feel like I'll never be able to trust him again.


I know it hurts & I understand. I hope this helps maybye a little.

Hugs,

Teggie

hope213

justtired, i think you just wanted to get this off your chest, just vent. i am glad you are with us. his road is long & you need to jump in with your recovery so u will know how to take care of you. it does not matter what you do or not do he is going to use. it sounds as if he is almost asking your approval.

whereami

"I said he'd lose a lot fewer if he used the pill box like he said he was going to."

That line is where I got the flashbacks...we try to take control even in suggesting a solution that we think is obvious and all they see is there is a "future" possibility. Anytime we say anything that would be an idea or a suggestion it lets them know that we are thinking of a future "as they are" not without the drug, so instead...I would say nothing and the only action I would take is removing yourself away from the drama and the entire situation. I read stories everyday on this forum of how far good people are pushed and then when the addict decides to get help we still can't do anything they want...I truly believe that until they are in active recovery we have no hope of treading water...you cannot keep up with it and you cannot control it no matter what you think you are managing he will find a way to decieve you when he is using. I am sorry if this sounds negative, but I went through the exact same thing only to be blamed for my actions while trying to manage him as controlling or worse helping him become more sneaky. I know it is hard but you have to completely detach and allow him to see that you have boundaries. The reason he is saying things like he doesnt know any better and wants to test the cap, is simply to play dumb like a 3 year old who ate too many hot dogs...to see if he could...its irresponsible and he knows better, he is just testing your boundaries to see if he can be comfortable, do his drug and still have you scrambling. You are confused and manipulated and will continue to test your psychological welfare until you get away from the "blabber"...I am so sorry no one deserves to have to live like this or deal with this, but our addicts lie and they will do anything to keep their drug of choice and comfy pillow...its you or the street, Im thinking he likes the comfort of knowing you will take care of him (watching the box) so typical of the setup so they have a way to blame you if things go missing...oh and the sofa pillows is just one of the few things they try including dropping it in the toilet, dog ate them, gave them up and threw them away and now they are in pain and need a refill...only to find they were in the glove compartment...it will drive you insane if you try to steer the roller coaster...just take a good look in the mirror, know you are an amazing person, be so glad you are early in the cycle and can get away and make a good life for yourself...I am the last person who will tell you this will work...my addict lied cheated and stole and the last straw was jeopardizing the finacial stability and life of my baby...his mom even thought he would be so much better if I would just look out for him and take care of him...what a bunch of crazies...even if it would work do you deserve to be with someone who lies and is irresponsible about their own health and manipulates, lies and steals your joy? He isnt thinking of you and you deserve an equal relationship, not an adult child to raise...

justtired

Ex - My boyfriend's psychiatrist is an expert on suboxone. His thought is to put him on suboxone long-term, not taper him...with the added benefit of pain management (which I know there is a lot of controversy on). He is actually an extremely intelligent man who was an anesthesiologist who became addicted and then became a psychologist specializing in addiction. He is an amazing doctor. If he chose to go this way, I would totally support that, but I don't think he's in this position right now.

You are totally right. Now is the perfect time to take care of this. If only he could open his eyes and see it for what it is!

justtired

Teggie ~ I know that you understand all too well what I'm going through. What you mentioned is what I'm going through right now. I know that I can live without him. I know that I'd make it. I'm not afraid of that. But after I left for a week and he thought I was not coming back, we had a very open talk about what's going on which we actually had not had before. He said that he WOULD NOT lose everything because of addiction. He wanted a chance to see if he could control them. I knew that he couldn't, but thought, what does it hurt to let him try and see what he sees. I forget sometimes that addiction is not logical. To me, it's like, okay I run out of pills way early each month. I obviously cannot control them. But the extent of the stories that they can come up with never cease to amaze me.

justtired

The reason I said that was because I hadn't commented at all on the fact that he wasn't refilling his box and not standing by what he promised me he would do. I wanted to get his reaction and see what "reason" he would have for not filling it. I guess that I deserve the story I got seeing as i felt the need to ask the question.

You made a very interesting comment about them seeing "future" possibility based on suggesting a solution. I never thought about that. Even though he knows how I feel, he keeps making comments like, we better hurry up and have kids before my health is too bad and I can't. LOL... yeah, right. But you're right, maybe I am not making myself clear to him.

justtired

abf is talking to the psychiatrist right now. I'm wondering if he's telling him the same story he told me, and if so, how his doctor will react.

Another thing that is really bothering me is that clearly he is either low or out of meds and will be unable to fill his prescription until the 20th. I hate to think this way, but my birthday is in a few days and he kept asking what I wanted to do. Really making a big deal about it (last week) and telling me we can do whatever I want. I didn't really make plans because i didn't want to get my hopes up that he would really follow through and we could just do whatever i want and have a good time. Now it's looking like he'll probably be in full blown withdrawal unless he manages to talk his doc. into giving him something. It just blows that I can't rely on him to even do something nice for me and be ok for my bday.

Thanks for letting me vent...

Limiya

You just have to sit and hope he realises for himself. There is nothing you can really do. Addiction destroyed the relationship with my boyfriend as he refused to admit he had a problem, even though he couldn't control it.
Best thing is to get on with your own things and let him deal with it.
I learnt the hard way.

~Limiya~

SHAMAN

I very much understand your desire to understand the thinking and rational. I recall too many conversations where I walked away confused, dumbfounded, or just plain lost at the thinking and rational thrown at me... and these interactions weren't about pills, as I later came to discover was the core issue. So while the pills weren't the topic, the THINKING of an active addict is injected into every interaction, which often left me shaking my head and retreating in order to regroup. Well, either that or I blew a gasket.

For me and in retrospect, it isn't about the addict. It is about me and the loss of trust in MY thinking... the loss of my clinging to 'right', functional, and spiritual values and principles so that I could affirm/validate my own thinking... "No, what's happening doesn't make sense and I'm secure in my opinion." (stated calmly, with confidence, and without blowing a gasket) After so much exposure to the dynamics of addiction, however, it's common to need the affirmation/validation from outside sources... and this is a good place for that.

With that being said... not just, "NO"!... but, "HELL NO"! What's happening in your life isn't rational, it doesn't make sense, and it's not your thinking that is 'crazy'. (unless, of course, you continue to embrace your own self-doubt)

Work to identify what is within your power to regain the trust in your thinking. It's not enough to think, we have to think about how we think.

Many Blessings,
Shaman

bluejay6

"but after I left for a week and he thought I was not coming back, we had a very open talk about what's going on....and he said he WOULD NOT lose everything because of addiction....."

Honey, you are the only one who was open in that talk. He was hustling.

Teggie, your post moved me. I hope Justtired takes your ESH to heart.

Freedom1990

I spent 5 long years 'watching' the EXAH and trying my damndest to talk to him, convince him, change him, etc etc.

That's 5 years I'll never get back.

Life's too short to take a front seat to someone's addiction.

outtolunch

It sounds like his addiction and all that goes along, with that, is the focal point of your life, right now.

Is this acceptable to you?

bluebelle

Yeah, I've been there. I've tried to figure out ABF's "rationalizing" when he was on the pills. He would try all kinds of experiments to see whether or not he could stop. The thing is, your abf knows he is addicted. It's gotten to the point to where he has to take the pills just to feel normal--it's not even about a high anymore. My abf has told me all about those thoughts that were going through his head.

I learned the hard way that nothing that I do can help the situation. ABF has to figure it out on his own whether he wants to be sober or not. This decision is up to him and him only. It is easy for you to see what makes sense--however, your abf is so screwed up with drugs that he can't think clearly.

It is a real shame that you aren't wanting to make plans for your birthday because of abf's drug usage. I've been where you are. I know what it is like to be afraid to make plans because you don't know where your abf will be in his drug usage. My advice is to make your own plans with your friends. You can still tell your abf what you want to do for your birthday. You need to make your needs heard. It is so easy to get to where you are no longer asking for what you need. However, your birthday should be special, so make some special plans. What would you like to do? Do you have friends that you could get together with for dinner or something else? I lost too much of my life to making plans around abf's pill usage.

cessy68

Honey, he is an addict, and you are not crazy. Someone taking these pills out of control, is the crazy one.

Pills, pills, pills. It's flipping nuts. I know where you are comming from, my abf talks about 'getting off the pills' and there are days he withdrawls too, then goes back. He always goes back.

Sure he admitts it's an issue, but is not willing to truely follow through with getting clean.

He (because it's a percription) thinks he's not 'like other addicts'. Oh whatever.

Ya know, last night, he came home at dinner and had a rageing headache, so bad that he had to have the house 'quiet' and couldn't eat.

Then I went to work, and worked till 3 in the a.m. This morning, he was up, running around, waking me UP...... then got pissed because i was being a biatch---

WTF?

It's the pills.
Always the pills. The pills cause the headache, the pills caused the selfishness, (that he was up and ready to go to work, and run off and take his pills).

Pills dictate our lives.

THAT IS ADDICTION.

gosh honey, I'm going to cut my ramble short--- there is so much I can say. But the bottom line is, I fret all the time, if it will be a good day or bad, it alll depends on PILLS!
that's crazy. Not us, the addiction.

Love,
Cess

cassandra2

I would like to add my experience here. My ex was addicted to percs and oxy's for a back injury.

Once it was obvious he had a problem with the pills ie:couldnt make it to the next script without running out. He admitted that he had a problem. But then that BECAME his excuse.

He got clean in Nov of last year. BUT he got clean A. for the wrong reasons B. wasnt ready and C. ended in relapse.

Today I am so THANKFUL for that relapse. Because right before he relapsed he was saying he could CONTROL the pills. He said that he was at a point where he knew he had a problem with the pills and because he knew that he could do better this time around.

Does that makes sense? HELL NO. But what can you do. He really had to prove to himself that he didnt have control. He needed to learn that for himself. So in the process of trying to control it he did many different things to "control" using the pills. I can kinda laugh about it now (IT WASNT FUNNY AT THE TIME) when I remember hearing his "rational" thoughts about using drugs. I remember when he went through the "I can still hang with my friends that use pills and be ok" Ya ok ON the pills. DUH.

But really he had to figure it out for himself. Just like the lessons we learn in these types of situations. We cant fix it. We cant control it. We didnt cause it.

My ex was fortunate enough to have his "AHA" moment without jail, hospitalization or anything that severe. He KNEW he couldnt control it when he was done. That lesson for him is considered priceless in my book.

No amount of me reasoning, controlling, pointing out, trying to get him to see the light, ANYTHING else you can fit in here did what HE had to learn ON HIS OWN.

justtired

Thank you, thank you, thank you all for all of your comments. I didn't have the time over the last couple of days to respond at all, but I have been checking in and reading. I can't tell you all how much I appreciate you sharing all of your ES&H. This is definitely a thread that I am going to print out and read over and over. I took something from every single post and you all gave me so many things to think about. It feels so good knowing that I'm not alone and hearing everyone's stories so thank you so much for taking the time for a "virtual" friend. I'm going to respond to some points that were made as it's really helpful for me to think deeper and organize my thoughts.

justtired

Anvilhead ~ Thank you for helping pound this into my head. I am a totally logical, reasonable person so it's so difficult for me to comprehend this crazy thinking. And I think part of the reason I'm having such a hard time is that abf is so extremely logical, typically, as well. He is the guy that everyone goes to with a question on anything... and he will have an answer... and somehow, it will be right every time. The dude is one smart guy. It's so difficult having a logical, intelligent conversation with him and in the next breath have a crazy, illogical, irrational conversation. It's hard for my brain to make the transfer. It's like I'm living with two different people and i just want the one that makes me feel crazy to move out.

justtired

Thank you a million times, Shaman, for your post. I very much appreciate your understanding and validation on how I'm feeling. You're right, I do need to find a way to trust what I'm thinking. Because I know it in the back of my head, but dang is he good at SOUNDING like he's got things under control. I kind of think of it as a presidential campaign. He tells me all the things I want to hear and then does whatever the heck he wants.