ellima01

They have not found him to serve him yet. My sick mind is telling me maybe now that he is not with me- and he is with her- he will get sober and be that person I always wanted and needed- it makes me sick. SICK! This former prostitute, why would I care- my sick mind says , was it me? he fell out of love with me after 7 years- is he now in "love with her" I know how sick these feeling are- I really do. But this woman persued him- knowing he was married- was stalking us when he came home- she is not a good person- how could he leave me and go to her- I am a good person- and somewhere in my mind I know It wasn't about me- but I am so humiliated that everyone knows he left me to go with a wh**e. Sorry i am venting here- I just feel bad today.

GiveLove

Ellima, do you have a counselor you can go to to talk to right now? Today or tomorrow?

These are thoughts that lots of us have had, including me. And yes, they're really not healthy. Like, at all. Talking it through with a counselor really helped me to see my way out of the crazy thinking....it was a huge relief. Think about it...

ellima01

unfortunatly- I have to work the next 3 nights- me the only income andall- no choices- I know I need counseling- I'm afraid my crazy brain may be to far gone. All this DVO,divorce crazy stuff is rolling thru my head- feels like I' losing it!

Tryingtobefree

Ellima - this is no mark of shame on you. Anyone with any sense will look at the situation and realize that the shame is all on him. He is a very sick individual right now and most people if they knew the story would breathe a sigh of relief that you are no longer in that situation.

I know it hurts terribly right now but you really have been given a wonderful opportunity to rebuild your life in the way that YOU want it. You have every option in the world open to you now. You literally can do anything you want with your life.

Please take time now to be gentle with yourself and focus on what you need and want.

It helped me to write down my goals now that I have left ABF. Even really small goals like cleaning my car inside and out. I never had time to do that with all the garbage that was going on when I lived with ABF.

Each time I cross one off the list I feel better and stronger.

Daisy30

I had many of these same thoughts too not with my current marriage, but in a relationship I had when I was younger.

I can tell you that I thought my XBF had changed and was perfect when he had moved on to this OW. BUT really, nothing had changed. Except for I no longer had to be the victim of his abuse and addiction.
Can you get to an al-anon meeting? I know I find peace just being there.

TakingCharge999

I am channeling anvilhead when I say: "it was never your job to prevent this"

No one that really cares about you would think you are any less. Quite the contrary. The ones that support you (such as me) think you are a very strong woman and that although I know you are hurting, I am glad he took his destruction somewhere else.

You can do this!!

blessed4x

....and you care because? It's HIS shame that you are carrying. I did the same thing, and I learned through counseling how to leave it alone.

When my STBXAH cheated I was embarrassed and ashamed. Why? Because I based my feelings about myself on what I perceived others were thinking. The truth of the matter is we don't know what anyone thinks, and trying to guess keeps us living outside ourselves.....which is what codependency is. We become chameleons, our moods and actions based on who we are with and what we believe they think.

It's a hard pattern to break, as hard as any addiction. I don't have it perfected, but I think by being aware of when we slip into the old way of thinking we can start to change it to a healthier way. It sounds like you are aware....just don't beat yourself up. It's a process.

tallulah

Repeat after me..

His thoughts, feelings, actions are nothing to do with me.. they are no reflection on me.. they do not define me.. they are his. I didn't cause them, I can't control them, I can't cure them.. I am my own unique self - special, creative and wonderful.

Keep saying it.. write it down..look in the mirror and repeat it to yourself. Anytime a negative affirmation pops in your head.. beat it back with a positive one. I'm not going to lie to you, it is hard, those negative affirmations are slippery little suckers.. but once you become aware of your thoughts and consciously inject positive into them, you will be surprised the difference it makes.