SillyBilly

Ok I've had enough. I need to stop. It's not that I'm struggling with a particular substance, I'm battling with my 'junkie' mind. The part of me that just wants to get 'messed up'. Not for any reason as such, although junkie thinking will come up with hundreds of reasons to let me use.

I am actually fairly happy. I've come a long way, but I still can't seem to make it past two weeks sober. I'm sick of being put on meds to help with withdrawal etc, they don't help, especially benzos, it just replaces one addiction with another. My GP gives me a bottle of Diazepam and my junkie mind says "sweet, let's get f**ked up".

I'm a little scared. It's like saying goodbye to a long-time friend. I've had a hard enough time saying goodbye to most of my 'ex-friends'. People I used with, not friends. I never said goodbye really to any of them, I just up and left 'the scene'.

Now I'm made so many changes with my life, I'm working and supporting myself once again, I'm having surgery to remove hideous self-mutilation scars from my arms, I'm hiring a personal trainer and the list goes on. I just want to take that final step and go sober, for real sober.

I used to be a crack-head, smoking crystal meth every day like it was air. I've come a long way to be able to give that up but I'm still no where near where I want to be. My father always told me, "The closer you get to something you really want, the harder it becomes to get".

Every time I set a quit date I find myself partying harder leading up to it, essentially making it more difficult to stop when the set day comes. I'm thinking now while I'm writing this at work, 'I could stop tomorrow, but I'm going to use tonight'. And I'll get messy as, then I'll wake up tomorrow sometime, feeling like crap and I won't have the motivation, well let's hope I do this time!

I'll jump back on here soon, I just wanted to introduce myself and hopefully get the support I need to help me through this one-day-at-a-time.


Cheers

ClosetExtrovert

Hey, good luck! It's scary not knowing or trusting yourself to believe you can really do it this time. I'm in the same boat. Maybe we can do this together.

tommyk

SillyBilly - make it happen.

Only YOU can make it happen.

You are on the right path - be clean & sober.

pumpkin77

It is very scary I am 3 days without a pill and I have to say it sucks but we can do this. I know We Can!!

grateful2b

Billy, welcome to SR
I am glad you're here..
and congratulations for all of the progress you have made so far...
I found in my recovery, that when I hit a spot that I just couldn't get past, that I had to dig even deeper, to find the thing that was keeping me from moving forward, and the have willingness to do whatever it took to push through that .....
...recovery is hard work....only you can set a quit date and decide not to party...
and as Tommy says, make it happen...you can do this..

Tazman53

Sillybilly I used to view booze as a lover, one that in the end abused the hell out of me but I just could not shake her!

Making plans to quit tomorrow I found to be futile, tomorrow never came!

With recovery I found the statement "Do it!" did work, DO IT NOW!!!! Instead of getting wasted tonight why don't you go out and hook up with some folks who have walked in your shoes and have found a way of staying clean and sober?

Go to an NA or AA meeting and just introduce your self.

There is no better day to get clean then today!!!! Tomorrow will never be here, it will always be today!

grateful2b

thanks, Taz....really important point..
The most important day of my recovery was the day and the moment I knew I had to stop using, and the decision I made right then and there to be done with it...for me it was DO IT NOW or never....it was such a desperate battle going on in my mind, that there was no way I could have stopped if I set a date for some day in the future....when I mentioned your set date, I was hoping you would choose the present tense

NewBeginning010

Make today your date & don't use for today

TTOSBT

Welcome!
You can do this!!!!

Wolfchild

Welcome to the SR community!!

ex D-Boy

welcome to SR bro, also a former junkie.

I hope to hear from you on these boards more often. Also, check out the substance abuse forums, youll find lots of support.


Oh one piece of advice.........change that avatar man!!!!!!!!!

SillyBilly

Thanks guys for all the warm welcomes And cheers for the tip ex D-Boy lol

I have set a quit date for this weekend. And to make it seem like it's not forever, I've told my junkie mind that it's only for a month. One solid month and I can use again. Then if in a months time I'm still clean & sober I'll re-evaluate whether I will use.

Thank you again everybody, I already feel with the support of SR I can do this.

Peace

tyler

Welcome to SR, it's a great place to find support, just make sure you reach out for it when you need it. I've been in and out of this place for about 7 years now, shown my a$$ more than once, but am always welcomed back with open arms. Been gone over a year this last time and wasn't back 5 minutes before I was receiving messages of support from people I knew and complete strangers.

BTW, spent a year in Adelaide as a exchange student my senior year in high school. It was a truly life changing experience. If I had to choose a country to live in other than the good 'ol USA, the land down under would certainly be it. Good luck on your journey, stick and stay and she'll be right mate!!