TakingCharge999

Well today I was told I have to work with ex AH bf for the next few days. I mean, from everyone on his team, and from everybody on my team, it had to be HIM and ME. Well... it was bound to happen I guess.

Talk about adding stress to an already stressful situation.

Just by seeing his emails I am feeling so anxious and afraid of future interactions. I hope we can keep it to emails and chat.

I feel a little bit proud of myself as I did not offer extra help. I just created a task for him that involves at least a couple of hours of tedious work. He will probably hate me tomorrow and b*tch about me with his own coworkers. Ok. I care less now.... at least a little less than before.

Normally at work, I love to be helpful (good way to channel my codie energy...) and would have offered some help if it was a different coworker. And I realize how sick I am, after so many things he did (and no, I am not saying I was an innocent lamb, but he hurt me tremendously) I STILL want to help him and give 150% and do things I have nothing to do with!! What is wrong with me

I hate it so much that I cannot feel angry and stop "caring"... I am realizing how much energy is still invested there.. and I am carrying my anger on my stomach, I just do not see a way to get it all out... I am trying to exercise but somehow I am missing something... I will try journal/burning again. I will keep on visualizing he is infront of me and saying everything / for some reason I find this VERY difficult....

When I do not see him I assume he is dead.

I am trying to see it is a good sign to recognize my codieness and be able to stop (at least work wise) and to try to see this as "great our only interaction is at work where he has to behave"

I am SO frustrated and angry with myself. I got a good job. I got youth, not bad looks, and looking better now as I exercise more often. I will see my family in France in a month. I got a new boyfriend that is my best friend and has proved with ACTIONS he is an honest, authentic guy.. he is great. WHY can't I just let go?? When will the nightmares STOP?

UGHHH, I guess I need to remember the "grieving comes in waves" thing, and remember that I am no longer in antidepressants so given the situation I am handling it well....

Also, that recovery is a bumpy tricky road and precisely for all this most ppl prefer to escape with whatever they have...

I sense this wave of shock, grief, sadness, anger may be the last one but I need to say BYE to the dream for good... and I do not know if Iam capable of that.,..to let myself be HAPPY and enjoy MY new life... perhaps because I have never taken such a decisive step... damn its so difficult... I want to let go, but at the same time I cling to this hell as if I had nothing else... and all this is JUST IN MY HEAD!!

You know, what troubles me a lot is assuming it will be like this forever.. avoiding him not to run into him by the elevators.. worried about dark glasses becase he can appear on any corner and I do not want eye contact...

Then I overhear how well he is doinggggggggggg and how happyyyyyyy he is and I get SO angry... I have thought its because I do not allow myself to be happy... and then I feel stupid because I read about the alcoholics mysery and try to recall our bad episodes and then I see him smiling and having the time of his life and its just madness.... because it all appears to be great in his life, and I cannot believe I am FOOLED once again!! If I more than anyone know how it really is like!!

You are all right.. THIS is the road to madness...

Need to sleep now

Thanks for letting me vent... ughh

nowwhat

(((TC)))

I can't think of anything worse than having to work with XABF. No wonder you feel so mixed up.

No wisdom other than you can do this. Try to remember to keep the focus on yourself. You have nothing to prove to him by being nice or doing his work.

tallulah

(((TC)))

It is just for a few days. You can do something for a few days that you would hate to do for the rest of your life.. because it is for a short period of time and it is another step on the road of recovery for you. Keep contact down to what you have to do and don't cross the line into contact not purely for the purpose of work. Similarly with wrestling with wanting to do things for him.. as soon as they come up remember.. he will not thank you for it, he will not appreciate it, he probably expects it and you don't have to do it.

Imagine him as someone else. Pick one of the other members of his team and project their face onto his. Or.. practice detachment with love. He is a human being and be as kind and as caring to him as you would another human being.. objectify him as a person and not the man you used to have a relationship with. When those thoughts of him as your ex.. the man you used to love and be in a relationship with.. start to crop up, be they negative or positive, cut to a memory of you and your current BF. Remember something you both did together that made you feel good. Or cut to a memory of something positive that you did, achieved or became after you and he were done and how good that made you feel. If it is hard... fake it until you make it.

Take the focus off him and back onto you and your life post him.

TakingCharge999

Hi friends.

Thank you. Today other 2 people were involved in the project. One of them knows about his problem, and we are joking our project won't be completed as he will probably be drinking that night... and we are afraid of the devices he is going to touch. Good to put some humor to all this.

I was able to send an email totally aloof, I did not even mention his name.

Thank you tallulah. Today I am extra-elegant and planning to be as professional as possible. Phew...

I am also taking some aromatherapy stuff. Perhaps it is just a placebo, but I feel more sure about myself than before.

When memories creep on today, I will remember this new great guy in my life, and my dear sister, we have plans of her visiting in Nov.

Yesterday night this guy asked me if he could visit me briefly. He just hugged me, said "I just came here to see how you were feeling and tell you I care a lot and I love you" then off he fled. Now how cute is that...

Thanks for the great tips!!

MarcusT

Man, sorry to hear you have to work together. hopefully, its for a short time and then you can stay apart. try to hang in there until then! Maybe try to actually talk with the 2 other people on the project more and distance yourself from him unless you must talk with him about something.

TakingCharge999

Ughhhh

Today has been a really stressful day at the office

Turns out he does not have to do anything as everything was worked before by someone else on his team. I am on the clear until next Tue. There will be times when we will have to interact more but I hope I am stronger then. The day I am completely indifferent and OK with my past with him, will be such a glorious day, it seems so far away and just not possible.. but what do I know? Everything keeps changing, this is just the status quo today (thanks anvilhead)

I am working so hard on letting all this go. I will try to focus on my other work tasks, which (blissfuly) are many today. Only 5 hours to go to my Latin salsa dance lessons, so at least I can look forward to that and take out my stress then.

Thanks all! Funny while I was writing this a song called "Dont give up" was playing on my laptop. HP, I KNOW you are there, please can you take this AH as far away from me as possible?? and let me heal faster?? THANKS...

TakingCharge999

UGH, as I am still upset I am making a lot of mistakes

I am worrying about peers and my boss

But what then, if I make mistakes and admit them?

I care a lot about what they think. Ughh, here in telecom you make one mistake and everyone keeps talking...

And well who cares what they think right...... I know I am a good co worker. There is a lot of blaming and finger pointing, all of them are guys, I am among the few that see we are all a team and am willing to go beyond my scope to get things done. Although I am trying to be healthy about that and just do it when I can, or if the person has helped me in the same way before.

Yesterday one customer made me appear as lazy as there has been an ongoing issue 3 months (I took the problem a few weeks ago)

Before, I would shut up, but today I am preparing a detailed desc. of when I tackled the issue and what I have done to bring a solution. So the boss does not get the wrong idea. The customer.. well, I get his perspective, but the only one I care about is my boss.

UGH, today I just want to hide in my room!! I will try and see all this as a chance to DETTACH, do my best job, apologize if needed. Let go.

I hope it gets easier after practice!!!!!

LaTeeDa

Just a thought TC, but you may want to ask yourself why this (above) matters so much to you. Why do you care if he is doing well and happy? And why do you feel the need to convince yourself that he really isn't? Why does it matter?

Can you accept that maybe he IS happy? Do you believe he has the RIGHT to be happy? You are moving on and finding happiness, so why can't he?

Just some things to consider.........

L

TakingCharge999

Thanks LTD.

I have wondered the same thing.

I am checking this in therapy. Will get back to you after I finally hit the nail on the head.

I think it comes down to

1 validation
2 past hurts

When my dad left and married another woman I was too young to verbalize what I felt but the idea that I did not matter at all to him, stuck. I think what I am angry with, is the fact my dad rebuilt his life and has never said a heartfelt "I am sorry for not being in your life". He is intellectual and he says he missed me and was working in order for me to have a good life... I know perhaps I am too harsh with him, slowly I am trying to see the good things he did for me (at least remotely). And that the dad I wished I had is A GHOST, and if I could JUST stop relating myself to ghosts and see everyone for what they really are there would be some room for ACCEPTANCE...

The fact that I was sad, angry, hurt, etc. throughout my life while he was off to Hawaii with a stranger and the lack of acknowledgment about the impact of his emotional absence is something that still hurts. In my sick twisted mind, I wish he really got sad and he really lamented missing his daughters life and acknowledge some of our pain, as if that validated my emotions.

To this day we cannot have a whole hour with him and him only, his wife ALWAYS has to be there, and he never tells her "I need time alone with my daughter'. Sometimes I have asked his wife for "permission" to have him for myself, how ridiculous is that.. and she says OK. I am happy when I am alone with him and then I think its ridiculous that I have spent alone with that man about 2 months in total my whole life, adding the few minutes/hours/weeks I can get from his job, wife, tennis matches, whatever, so how can I know him, love him or forgive him if he is an unknown?

I think also how he goes about his life acting as if we always had this great relation together and my emotions are totally out of place is what.. angers me soo much... like I have to be on his shoes and understand and forgive him, but he does not have to put himself on MY shoes, you know?

Its true, GLs signature... time does not heal all wounds, you actually have to heal them yourself.


Thanks for reminding me I am in power to work on all the "inner child" issues so I put all this to rest. I now realize the same events tick me off since almost 1000 posts ago. I am slowly realizing "it is what it is" and I have to accept I am waiting for apologies that probably will never come and I am the only one who needs all those feelings validated and released. I mean, intelectually everything is clear, but internally I am just totally frustrated and the sadness does not seem to end.... sheeshhhh

This is no way to live, I am tired of this anxiety. Perhaps that was the msg through all this, its SO true we always create in our lives what we need to heal, and NO I am not in for another round of self created insanity.. I wish I keep the resolve and have strength....

I lived a little intense mourning with ex AH and finally start some bits of compassion/forgiveness. Now I am realizing I have been in mourning since he left and I was 3, and I have been stuck in the sadness part of it for 24 years, perhaps all these people around are just triggers for that anger I just NEED to feel, as I move on towards healing the stuff with dad and FINALLY be free from my past.

OK I wrote a book already!! Thanks for the food for thought. LTD you speak like my therapist, are you sure you are not a psychologist? You could earn big bucks.

And thanks for providing me of a safe venue to get all these ideas out.

TakingCharge999

Can you accept that maybe he IS happy? Do you believe he has the RIGHT to be happy?

For my dad and some Ex's the answer is a blatant NO!!
They should be sorry for everything and let me know and make ammends. Then they CAN be happy all they want.

I am just mocking myself... I will chew on this hard bone after the initial shock subsides...

Wow, why do I feel like I am God?
Man, do I have inner work to do.

LaTeeDa

I can see you are working hard on this and that you have a lot of insight as to where your feelings come from.

I get the sense from you that maybe being hurt by your dad and accepting him are mutually exclusive. They are not.

You can work on your acceptance and, at the same time validate your own feelings of abandonment and hurt. You have every right to feel those feelings. You were just a little kid and one of the people who was supposed to be there for you wasn't. That hurts.

I used to wish that the people in my life who hurt me could feel what I feel. I wanted them to hurt, too. I guess I thought it would be retribution and would lessen MY hurt. It doesn't. I have seen my XAH's pain over our divorce. Didn't make me feel any better. I have seen my mother's pain over our strained relationship. Didn't make me feel any better.

You can validate and nurture that little girl that didn't get what she needed. In fact, at this point, you are the only one who CAN.

As far as compassion and forgiveness goes, you don't have to stuff your own feelings in order to find them. Have you ever heard of Carl Rogers? Check out some of his stuff, or ask your therapist about him. His approach (he IS a psychologist, unlike me, lol) really resonated with me.

L

TakingCharge999

Thanks LTD, I will look for his work. I get so frustrated when I can see all the logic but my heart is still the same mess. YUK at least I finally got enough self esteem to allow there may be a different way of living FOR MYSELF.

I get what you say about seeing others suffer. Once I saw this ex AH sad for reasons unknown to me, and I remember why I am always quacking about how much he meant, and there I was in all my sickness trying to feel good about his suffering. But I couldn't. I am just not that kind of person.

Your words helped me a great deal today, thank you ((LTD)) how much do I owe you for today's session? lol do you accept payment in enchiladas, tacos or tamales? THAT I can provide

LaTeeDa

Tamales please.