babsywabsy

My husband is currently in rehab and I've been asked to write a letter telling him how his drinking has impacted me and our family. Has anyone else had to write such a letter? I wrote it and just stuck to how his drinking made me feel and the sacrafices I had to make due to his alcoholism. It's supposed to be honest, but not blaming. Not sure if I achieved that. I'm sort of stuck between being codie and not wanting to hurt his feelings or for him to be mad at me and being angry and wanting him to know how much it sucked when he was drunk. Any feedback about this would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you!
Barbara

prodigal

I was asked to write such a letter when the Army put my husband in his first 28-day rehab back in January '03. I decided not to comply.

Why? I knew he was just in the rehab (1) because his commanding officer ordered it; (2) because AH had a chance to continue outpatient and blew it by drinking over the Christmas holidays, even though told not to; (3) because he was blowing smoke up everyone's wazoo; and, (4) because he was doing his usual dance of "get off my back and outta my face."

I told both of his counselors that I would not write any sort of letter. I wrote one to myself, and I vented for quite a few pages. Then I re-read the letter and saw more of me in it than him.

I started to realize what he was doing was about him and what I was doing was about me. Do I think these letters serve a constructive purpose? I suppose they do. However, AH was in two other rehabs after the first one, and neither requested I write any letters.

JMO, but I'm not a big fan of letter-writing or "discussions." I feel that if an A is serious about recovery that, in time, they will come to realize the impact they have had on family and friends. I personally feel writing a letter to my AH - if he was in recovery - about how I feel wouldn't be particularly productive; especially since he would not yet be serious about working a program.

I guess I would wait to see how things worked out in six months to a year.

Still Waters

I agree with prodigal. Looking back, most of the things I was asked to do when my AH was in rehab, he later used to manipulate me. My gut told me then he was just going through the motions, I should have heeded it.

That said, if someone is serious about recovery, then this letter could be very helpful I suppose.

LarryATL

I was asked to do the same when my wife was in rehab a couple of years ago, and I willingly did it... put a lot of effort into it....

On the positive side, it allowed me to clearly express, unambiguously, how her drinking affected me and her family. It was easier for me to do that in writing, than in a conversation. I was very detailed, but wrote it in a factual, not venting, style..... also I ended the letter in a very positive, upbeat manner - how much I love her, support her, etc.

In her rehab center, they had her counselor read these letters out loud in a group setting. So again on the positive front, I know my A heard the things I wanted to say, and who knows, maybe in the long run that will help her.

On the not so positive front, I can't honestly say it was very effective as my wife relapsed within a few days of leaving her rehab, and is still drinking and not working a program. Not that my letter was going to stop her from drinking again, of course..... I guess my point is, if you do write the letter, keep your expectations in check about outcomes....