imallright

I am trying to think through the difference between expectations and wishes or desires...

I am thinking there is a difference between "wanting and expecting".... correct? And if we make our own choices and then if we don't want what we have, we choose again... correct? I know I am making it sound very simple... but I guess I am trying to break it down for myself.

It's not my fault that someone isn't "being" how or who I want them to be... but it is my fault if I don't want to be in this place or with someone who is behaving in a fashion I don't care for and I choose to stay there. This person doesn't do something to me, I allow them to do it to me... that type of thing... right?

Guess the hard part is getting strong enough to recognize 1. what I want 2. that it's ok to get it and 3. not to settle for less... unless I make a conscious decision that I am ok with the situation.

Wow... I am tired now! HA! Thoughts???

bluebelle

This is a good question! I've been having trouble with this myself. There are things that I want out of my recovering ABF. However, I have to let myself not expect him to behave in my "perfect" fashion so that my life will then be great. In my case, what he is looking for in a job is different from what I would like him to be doing.

BigSis

Even when I am thinking, I am learning to phrase things as "for myself". For example... I always wanted a man who is spontaneous, humorous and carefree. But I CHOSE a man who is serious, stable and secure. Then I spent years assuming the problem was with HIM!

Taking a look at what I WANT and what I NEED and what choices I've already made, has helped me get things straight.

Today, I know that if I were to choose again, I might CHOOSE different, and when I take a real hard look at what I WANT in life, I really do tend to want security. I am committed to making my marriage work, for today. So today, I will accept that my husband cannot give me spontaneity; he cannot be funny.... and I will remember that I really do prefer stability and security.

Because I need humor and spontenaity in my life, I choose to find other folks who can fill those needs... program friends, work friends and find some of that in myself and my family.

By becoming concious about what I can and cannot expect from him, I am free to let go of the resentments.



I realize I am using examples that are likely not "marriage-ending" criteria. I don't think I would choose, today, to accept his violence, anger and controlling as I did twenty years ago. And he knows that because I did make some choices around that and now he knows my boundaries. He still tends to be controlling; and when he gets like that, I have to think hard about what sort of life do *I* want to live? How much effort am I willing to put into setting and maintaing those boundaries?

It isn't easy. And it seems like it is never quite "done". But today, my relationship with my husband is healthier and richer and less stressful than it was prior to getting into recovery.

No. He doesn't give me everything I want. Sometimes, he doesn't give me what I need. And I have to reassess regularly regarding what is right for MY life.


(((loving hugs)))

cessy68

Amen to that.....

I wanted to add a quote of a guy from a guy friend of mine.

A very long time ago (apparently I didn't listen then either)... I said to a friend - about my broken relationship with a man, "BUT he's everything I WANT"!!!!

My friend replied; "Cess, what you WANT, and what you NEED are two very different things, and what YOU NEED is much more important"!

imallright

Cynical One... You are amazingly insightful. Thank you for being here and sharing.

BayAreaPhoenix

For me, I learned where the line was between wanting/wishing/hoping for something and expecting it. If I find myself thinking about an outcome for a situation - whatever that situation - I check in and ask myself if I'm expecting or wanting/wishing?

If I'm expecting, I know I'll feel disappointment. I gently remind myself to let go, that it's OK to wish and hope - but in the meantime, what was I doing to take care of me and what I have control over (like how much milk and eggs do I need this week?). If I'm just hoping/wishing, then it's more of a "wouldn't it be fun/great/perfect if ...", but I know if it doesn't happen I'm OK, I have no resentments to hand out to anyone or anything.

I was thinking about this a few months ago, and I remember how I wrestled with this concept, for years. How to let go of expectations, it just didn't seem even reasonable in a way, almost felt like if I didn't "expect" from others I wasn't really engaged with them, etc. I don't when it clicked for me, but the concept, when it fully kicked in, didn't feel disconnected at all. It was such a nice feeling, especially since all those years of expecting, I got disappointed a lot! Now - not so much. I do still have expectations for people and situations, but they are now my boundaries and help me define my world for myself what is acceptable.


(((hugs)))

imallright

I remember thinking... it's sad that I can have no expectations, because having expectations leads to disappointment. I was very angry about feeling that way. I thought and maybe still do... not sure... that I should be able to count on someone and to expect to be treated in a certain way. However it seemed like ever time I imagined what I wanted that outcome to be, I was let down.

I am trying hard to understand that I can want something, I can do my part to make something happen, but I have to accept whatever happens. If it's not to my liking, I have a choice to start over or to change my view... but I can't direct and control what will happen.... tough to let go...

Work in progress is the best way to say it.

Thanks!

cassandra2

Amen to that!! Its always about progress and NEVER about perfection....