NEOMARXIST

Hi all, I am feeling more empowered/positive about living a sober life than ever and really want to embrace this feeling.

I managed 37 days sober untill Friday when I drank again and it ended up more savage and vicous than the last time I drank, I never want to repeat the horrible feelings of anxiety/worry about what could have been during my usual total memory-loss through drinking ever again, it still haunts me at present 3 days sober but is starting to fade a little.

I am going to embrace AA, I went to my local meeting on Monday and next is Friday, I know I must attend these meetings and it's a small price to pay tbh compared to the indescribable feeling of horror/mental torture about what potentially I could do during blackout. Just making me way too paranoid as I know one slip with the law and a criminal record, on top of the drink-drive conviction, would do nothing but to set me on a downward spiral in which I would struggle to see a way out but through drink/drugs as it would ruin future job prospects, family life etcetc.

Anyway I am 'pleased' that I drank again, i always intended truly to drink once more just to see whether it was 'different this time' and I got my answer. I can't do moderation, it aint in my nature, and the years of drinking upon waking to ease anxiety and to top up the fading levels of alcohol in my system will be impossible to break, I have came to see I am 'Powerless' over this, a true addict with nothing on my mind other than getting more drink.

Anyway, this indeed IS a positive post, not a negative one, and something deep inside of me (an indescribable 'gut' feeling) was giving all these negative feelings as a tool to get me to stop and to seek help. I know I truly have to stop and I am grateful for these feelings at age 23 before I have truly ruined many things in my life which are irrepairable.

So please when in a few weeks/months? when I post about maybe drinking again, someone please remind me of this post and I will be ever grateful, so crazy really when you think about it. After all of this I have written I am still resigned to the fact that I will consider drinking in the future?!! Maybe AA will help with this one day?

Anyway Peace and Love, Neo.

Anna

There is no question that alcoholism is a progressive disease, and it will get worse, unless you stop.

I'm glad you posted!

suki44883

The cravings will come and go...for quite a long while. Working a program of recovery can most certainly help, and of course, we'll be here to help you remember how horrible addiction and how great sobriety can be. We're pretty good at that.

tommyk

I call it the "revolving wheel of pain & blame"... don't let it happen to you.

1.) Right now the pain is SEVERE and a person accepts total responsibility for their actions.

2.) Turn the wheel forward 1/4 turn in time and the pain really wasn't "that" bad.

3.) Turn the wheel forward 1/2 turn in time now and the pain was actually minimal, also - it was the person's own fault... BUT... not completely, there is someone else to blame too.

4.) Turn the wheel 3/4 forward in time and there wasn't ANY pain (long forgotten), and someone else was to blame, completely.

5. / 1.) One complete revolution of the wheel and the person is ready to repeat the entire scenario, and endure the pain yet AGAIN.

How many turns of the wheel does it take before the person 'gets it'...?

Tazman53

Neo I have noticed there are windows of opportunity for many of us, it sounds as though you are in one right now, as Tommy said about the wheel, right now you are in the #1 portion where the pain is severe along with the remorse, you have the resolve to do what it takes.

Do not hesitate and let that wheel continue to turn, get a sponsor, start taking the steps, get into AA and not out on the perimeters of it. It is far harder to fell off if one is in the middle, the further from the middle one is the easier it is to fall.

Some of us have many windows of opportunity, some of us only have a few, some of us sadly use them all up.