Reality has hit me today.
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 24
Reality has hit me today.
I suppose, i'm writting this more as a distraction that anything else. I'm on the verge of having a huge crying breakdown and not even my codie hard shell is helping, though I've been grateful to it for allowing me to be numb for the last few days.
As some might know, i have been with my abh for three years.. not many concidering what many of you have been through. It was a rough ride from the start but i stuck in there doing my bit as best i could, making plans, thinking of a future.. all that stuff.
I didn't know i was being abused, stupid really . I mean how could a woman of my age not realise she was being abused. Well, thats not stricktly true i suppose i did know, i just denied it. People in love would deny their own exostance i reckon but on the other hand it didn't feel like i was in love either. Oh what a mess, to not know or be able to label a feeling when it came up I know i am rambeling i am feeling a bit confused but i'm going tokeep writing as it's important to me to do it for some reason.
I feel so very betrayed, my heart is physically hurting and i am frightened. I cannot show to much as i have people around me who i feel to embarrased to upset with yet another one of my failed dramatic relationships..
All i ever wanted out of life was a normal family. As a kid, i used to look at those tv adverts where the old couple were cashing in their pension plans, taking their grand kids for a meal and having enough leftover for a little holiday in the country. those couples looked so together, i used to dream of spending a loving life with someone and getting to that golden point of happiness... Sad isn't it to be planning my retirement with a man even as a kid.
Who am I? what am I? why am i here and whats the point of me? These are probably questions more akin to a mid life crisis than a codie, the trouble is i can't answer them as i don't really feel anything even though i so desparatly want to feel 'normal' feelings about them.. why is it the only things i can feeel with any sort of passion are the negative emotions.
I am feeling so hurt, so betrayed yet i am fighting off the bitterness because its no good to feel bitter - that is the sensible and logical thing to do isnt it- why grieve? itonly brings you to a point where everythings ok again, it seems like a waste of time to me... i am so frightened of grieving over this, so angry that i have to fight off the grief. am I angry with him? no there is no point in being angry with him, he is unable to understand what he has done.. or is he? it is so confusing and this is causing such stress.
Whats triggered off this today then? i havent seen him for the past 4 days.. it has been technically over for the past 4 days. for 4 days i have coped in my own codie dead from the kneck up way.
he just phoned.. a few words like we were complete strangers about something of his i have and he needs urgently.. I said ok, i'll pop it through your letter box and that was that.. cold, uncaring, complete strangers to each other. All that time, all that love, all that laughter, even all that abuse.. all like it never even existed, i didnt exist, he didnt exist.. and with that it was over and now it has hit me and ive no where to go, no one to turn to.. and i am so scared of the grieving process that all i want to do is die off. odd that i say reality has hit.. i've never felt more unreal in my life.
Where can i place this anger,this resentment, this hurt.. at him? at the alcohol and drugs he took? I love him i hate the alcoholism, its so unfair, so unfair.. I feel like my HP is playing a joke on me, sending me love and hope then putting conditions on it.
sorry this is getting to sound self pitying now.. i'll hang up.
As some might know, i have been with my abh for three years.. not many concidering what many of you have been through. It was a rough ride from the start but i stuck in there doing my bit as best i could, making plans, thinking of a future.. all that stuff.
I didn't know i was being abused, stupid really . I mean how could a woman of my age not realise she was being abused. Well, thats not stricktly true i suppose i did know, i just denied it. People in love would deny their own exostance i reckon but on the other hand it didn't feel like i was in love either. Oh what a mess, to not know or be able to label a feeling when it came up I know i am rambeling i am feeling a bit confused but i'm going tokeep writing as it's important to me to do it for some reason.
I feel so very betrayed, my heart is physically hurting and i am frightened. I cannot show to much as i have people around me who i feel to embarrased to upset with yet another one of my failed dramatic relationships..
All i ever wanted out of life was a normal family. As a kid, i used to look at those tv adverts where the old couple were cashing in their pension plans, taking their grand kids for a meal and having enough leftover for a little holiday in the country. those couples looked so together, i used to dream of spending a loving life with someone and getting to that golden point of happiness... Sad isn't it to be planning my retirement with a man even as a kid.
Who am I? what am I? why am i here and whats the point of me? These are probably questions more akin to a mid life crisis than a codie, the trouble is i can't answer them as i don't really feel anything even though i so desparatly want to feel 'normal' feelings about them.. why is it the only things i can feeel with any sort of passion are the negative emotions.
I am feeling so hurt, so betrayed yet i am fighting off the bitterness because its no good to feel bitter - that is the sensible and logical thing to do isnt it- why grieve? itonly brings you to a point where everythings ok again, it seems like a waste of time to me... i am so frightened of grieving over this, so angry that i have to fight off the grief. am I angry with him? no there is no point in being angry with him, he is unable to understand what he has done.. or is he? it is so confusing and this is causing such stress.
Whats triggered off this today then? i havent seen him for the past 4 days.. it has been technically over for the past 4 days. for 4 days i have coped in my own codie dead from the kneck up way.
he just phoned.. a few words like we were complete strangers about something of his i have and he needs urgently.. I said ok, i'll pop it through your letter box and that was that.. cold, uncaring, complete strangers to each other. All that time, all that love, all that laughter, even all that abuse.. all like it never even existed, i didnt exist, he didnt exist.. and with that it was over and now it has hit me and ive no where to go, no one to turn to.. and i am so scared of the grieving process that all i want to do is die off. odd that i say reality has hit.. i've never felt more unreal in my life.
Where can i place this anger,this resentment, this hurt.. at him? at the alcohol and drugs he took? I love him i hate the alcoholism, its so unfair, so unfair.. I feel like my HP is playing a joke on me, sending me love and hope then putting conditions on it.
sorry this is getting to sound self pitying now.. i'll hang up.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Hey you.. :ghug
I could have written what you posted. My situation is that my ex has conditions imposed by court not to contact me.. but I suspect even if he didn’t he wouldn’t have much to say to me. The reason why is.. before I even left he had dehumanised and demonised me. I was something to be reviled. I was not the human being that he had loved.. I was not even a nothing.. I was less than that.
Of course that’s BS. True I was not the girl I was.. but (and I’m not taking an inventory.. just telling it like it is with the benefit of seeing me now and out of the situation) he was reaping what he had sown. It is surely not going to come as a surprise that if you don’t nurture a person they’ll wither. He was really bad at keeping houseplants.. while we together we bought some houseplants and they flourished.. that’s because I took care of them.. he still has them.. I will not be surprised if one by one they die. They are like a metaphor to me.
Imagine yourself as a beautiful houseplant. You’re in your little pot existing nicely and then someone comes to the store and buys you and takes you home. At first they are so proud of their ‘purchase’.. they water it, feed it, make sure it has all the sun it needs. But then slowly the neglect creeps in. Maybe they are so used to the houseplant being there that they forget what it was like when it wasn’t and become complacent to its beauty. Maybe they think they have green fingers.. convince themselves they can do it.. but they haven’t and can’t or won’t. The houseplant starts to suffer a little. The leaves start to droop and it looks a little sadder. Slowly and surely the houseplant is withering away and dying.. and as this happens that someone who purchased it becomes more apathetic. Maybe they even start to hold the houseplant responsible.. it’s just not a good plant, it was always doomed to be difficult to keep, it was always doomed to wither. Eventually they throw the houseplant out. They’ll just go get a new one.
There is nothing intrinsically wrong with the houseplant.. it just needs water, food, sun, a little t.l.c. and a better ‘purchaser’.
Feel what you feel. Scream, shout, cry, talk it out, journal.. whatever it takes to get the poison out. It is ok to intellectualise it.. but it is the raw emotion that wins over I have found (so I've just given up trying to think my way through it). Try not to overthink what he is feeling/doing/thinking. Try not to go to him to do the processing or the healing (this is really hard because they were the ones you would turn to if life dealt you a blow.. but I see it like, why would I go to the person who hurt me to take away the pain).
And most importantly...try not to beat yourself up.. be gentle with yourself.. you have enough bruises..
I could have written what you posted. My situation is that my ex has conditions imposed by court not to contact me.. but I suspect even if he didn’t he wouldn’t have much to say to me. The reason why is.. before I even left he had dehumanised and demonised me. I was something to be reviled. I was not the human being that he had loved.. I was not even a nothing.. I was less than that.
Of course that’s BS. True I was not the girl I was.. but (and I’m not taking an inventory.. just telling it like it is with the benefit of seeing me now and out of the situation) he was reaping what he had sown. It is surely not going to come as a surprise that if you don’t nurture a person they’ll wither. He was really bad at keeping houseplants.. while we together we bought some houseplants and they flourished.. that’s because I took care of them.. he still has them.. I will not be surprised if one by one they die. They are like a metaphor to me.
Imagine yourself as a beautiful houseplant. You’re in your little pot existing nicely and then someone comes to the store and buys you and takes you home. At first they are so proud of their ‘purchase’.. they water it, feed it, make sure it has all the sun it needs. But then slowly the neglect creeps in. Maybe they are so used to the houseplant being there that they forget what it was like when it wasn’t and become complacent to its beauty. Maybe they think they have green fingers.. convince themselves they can do it.. but they haven’t and can’t or won’t. The houseplant starts to suffer a little. The leaves start to droop and it looks a little sadder. Slowly and surely the houseplant is withering away and dying.. and as this happens that someone who purchased it becomes more apathetic. Maybe they even start to hold the houseplant responsible.. it’s just not a good plant, it was always doomed to be difficult to keep, it was always doomed to wither. Eventually they throw the houseplant out. They’ll just go get a new one.
There is nothing intrinsically wrong with the houseplant.. it just needs water, food, sun, a little t.l.c. and a better ‘purchaser’.
Feel what you feel. Scream, shout, cry, talk it out, journal.. whatever it takes to get the poison out. It is ok to intellectualise it.. but it is the raw emotion that wins over I have found (so I've just given up trying to think my way through it). Try not to overthink what he is feeling/doing/thinking. Try not to go to him to do the processing or the healing (this is really hard because they were the ones you would turn to if life dealt you a blow.. but I see it like, why would I go to the person who hurt me to take away the pain).
And most importantly...try not to beat yourself up.. be gentle with yourself.. you have enough bruises..
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
bella-
i'm going to take it up a level here, away from your current heartbreak with xABF. tallulah has given you good counsel on how to deal with those feelings, i.e. feel them and face them.
what strikes me in your words is when you said you don't know who you are.
that's a really good question. and one i would encourage you to find the answer to.
the first step is always KNOW THYSELF.
who are you?
who are you in relationship to your HP?
these are the real questions you need to answer in a lifetime.
i doubt very much the whole of purpose of your life is this man and that happy ever after you envisioned as a little girl.
in any crisis, if we can thank our higher power for the opportunity to learn who we are and embrace the crisis as an opportunity, we will find our way and the tables turn from being a victim to driving our own boat in the sea of life.
as for the negative feelings, tallulah is right to say work the poison out. i'd go further and say SPIT THE POISON OUT and don't let it take root in your heart at all. any such negative feeling must be reconciled. a good way to do this is to figure out what the opposite of the negative feeling is. for example, if it is anger, the opposite would be peace. if it be jealousy, the opposite would be sisterhood. etc. etc.
the activity of determining the opposites shows us where we have deviated from the divine flow and gone against universal law.
naive
i'm going to take it up a level here, away from your current heartbreak with xABF. tallulah has given you good counsel on how to deal with those feelings, i.e. feel them and face them.
what strikes me in your words is when you said you don't know who you are.
that's a really good question. and one i would encourage you to find the answer to.
the first step is always KNOW THYSELF.
who are you?
who are you in relationship to your HP?
these are the real questions you need to answer in a lifetime.
i doubt very much the whole of purpose of your life is this man and that happy ever after you envisioned as a little girl.
in any crisis, if we can thank our higher power for the opportunity to learn who we are and embrace the crisis as an opportunity, we will find our way and the tables turn from being a victim to driving our own boat in the sea of life.
as for the negative feelings, tallulah is right to say work the poison out. i'd go further and say SPIT THE POISON OUT and don't let it take root in your heart at all. any such negative feeling must be reconciled. a good way to do this is to figure out what the opposite of the negative feeling is. for example, if it is anger, the opposite would be peace. if it be jealousy, the opposite would be sisterhood. etc. etc.
the activity of determining the opposites shows us where we have deviated from the divine flow and gone against universal law.
naive
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by tallulah 
Feel what you feel. Scream, shout, cry, talk it out, journal.. whatever it takes to get the poison out. It is ok to intellectualise it.. but it is the raw emotion that wins over I have found (so I've just given up trying to think my way through it). Try not to overthink what he is feeling/doing/thinking. Try not to go to him to do the processing or the healing (this is really hard because they were the ones you would turn to if life dealt you a blow.. but I see it like, why would I go to the person who hurt me to take away the pain).
And most importantly...try not to beat yourself up.. be gentle with yourself.. you have enough bruises..
And most importantly...try not to beat yourself up.. be gentle with yourself.. you have enough bruises..
Thanks tallulah, your reply really was spot on, i so realted to the bit where you said about already being demonised and also he reaped wjat he sowed, or words to that effect.
Just before I read your post i had written him a letter ( after the cold phone call from him yesterday morning ) telling things from my point of veiw. not blaming him but just saying how i felt.. i suppose i wanted a reply, for him to say he didn't realise and that he was sorry. I was going to post it to him before i read your post and especially the bit that is quoted by you here.
Writing to the person who has caused me this pain, is not going to take the pain away. how could it, he really has no idea that he has done anything wrong, me writing is not going to make him have a sudden light bulb moment.. no me writing was just a codie thing, desparatly wanting him to change to make me feel good. No I will just have to own my own feelings on this one, I have to be responsible for me and change my feelings for myself.
Thank you for your reply, without reading this i'd have sent that letter rather than ripping it up, and the merry - go -round would have taken another turn.
Quote by naive: bella- ......( sorry, can't seem to get that quote thing working again )
i'm going to take it up a level here, away from your current heartbreak with xABF. tallulah has given you good counsel on how to deal with those feelings, i.e. feel them and face them.
And thanks to you as well naive, as you can see i also took your advice and am feeling those feelings and dealing or owning them myself. I have worked hard this week on getting in touch with HP and i believe it is getting through.
it's strange but untill i wrote down my picture, the one i envisioned as a little girl i didn't realise how very limiting a beliefe that was.. ive spent so long chasing that dream that that is all i've ever done, chased it and not achieved it. It's time to change the picture and not set a limitation on myself.... thanks for pointing that out to me, it all seems so simple when people point things out to you and you wonder why you never thought of it yourself!!!
I'm feeling calmer today. i asked the HP to help me feel compassion andl ove instead of negative feelings about this and that has helped me.. though i do expect a few wobbles, I am sort of fluctuating between feeling sorry for him and wanting to take his hurt way, and feeling very angry with him for not taking mine away, if i can get to a place of acceptance and compassion all the time, i will be in a much better place. but i guess is something is worth having it's worth working for so i expect it to take a bit of time.
Thank you both.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Actually those kinds of letters can be healing. I've written several to my AD, but I didn't send them. The letters were for me, to get it all out on paper, own it, and let it go!
I grieved for a long time after I left my EXAH. I had been caught up in wishful thinking all those years, with the fantasy of what it should be like with him, and it never was.
Praying for healing and a quiet heart in your life! :ghug :ghug
I grieved for a long time after I left my EXAH. I had been caught up in wishful thinking all those years, with the fantasy of what it should be like with him, and it never was.
Praying for healing and a quiet heart in your life! :ghug :ghug
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