javalvr

From ItsmeAlice: "Is it really this peaceful when they take their drama elsewhere or is it just having a moment to myself that feels different?"

I didn't want to hijack the other thread, but the thoughts there have touched me.... My RAH has been away in rehab for 6wks. It has been so nice w/o him here. I have realized the only thing I miss about him being here is I haven't been able to get in an early am workout before work because I have to take the kids to school. He will be home Saturday and I am dreading it. I have moved all my stuff to the spare bedroom and will set this area off limits to him to preserve some personnel space.

He has called several times asking me to go to couples counseling, i said yes, not sure why, but hopefully it will help us communicate in a healthy way. I have written down some boundaries so hopefully he will understand. I know what I once felt is no longer there, but I don't think he accepts that yet. I am hoping we can get along as "roommates " and parents while he gets back on his feet and continues his outpatient care and AA meetings.

I just wish I didn't feel so anxious about his return. I hope he can accept my feelings. Is it possible to coexist for a time while we figure all this out? I may have to move next summer because of my job so he is unsure about settling in our current location then I move with the kids somewhere else.

I wish i didn't feel sorry for him. It was much easier to be disgusted when he was always drunk. I know for my health and the for the kids we can't go back to the way it was. I just hope for the strength to stay strong and avoid the manipulation.

Thanks for letting me ponder a few thoughts "out loud".

ItsmeAlice

Hey there javalvr.

I'm sorry to hear your workouts have suffered with your current situation. I mean that, really. Exercise lately means a lot to me to manage stress. Do try to schedule that in despite the kids' schedule. I fear that when your RAH returns he will be focused more on his recovery than being an active member of the household and you will still be on your own with managing the day to day. I read of many who receive their addicts home from rehab only to find they cannot cope with responsibility outside of staying sober.

I can say, though, I am envious that your A has tried rehab. I don't believe my ABF will get there anytime soon.

I, too, have pondered the idea of living as roommates. Technically, aside from my handling all the finances, my ABF and I live as roommates rather than a couple. It has been that way for years, I just didn't accept it until I started in recovery.

The problem I have, however, is that as an active alcoholic, he makes a retched roommate to live with and I am still stuck with wanting to be apart from him to maintain my sanity. I have considered remaining in geographical proximity to allow him visitation with the pets or to lend support if he does seek recovery. I'm really wondering the point of that, though. He's had me 10+ yrs and it wasn't enough support.

All you can do is present your feelings to him. If you think having an objective party to mediate the discussion with him would be helpful, then try the couples counseling. You may find that he is dreading coming home to the old triggers and stress of daily living without alcohol and may have an interest in a trial separation while he gets acclamated to life outside rehab.

I wish you best!

Alice

catlady61

This I understand!!!!!

It was so much easier to be angry, hurt & disgusted by his drinking. Now things are awkward & scary, not sure what to say, what not to say.

My ABF has been going to meetings & counseling for a year, I am sure only because he was ordered to by court after getting a DUI. However, before that he went to work and to bars every night 5 nights a week. I had already moved out of our bedroom a year before that. So, now its been 2 years living in the same house kind of like roommates, but wishing I could be close to him, while he shows indifference, I know I showed the same for a long time, but now after being caught in a lie last week he admitted he had met someone, but that he has not become deeply involved (no sex) with her.

Still I have been hurt by his words and the insinuation that because I showed anger, indifference and pain and moved out of our bedroom he is saying he thought I did not love him.......... I feel like he is saying those things to make me feel like he was justified in meeting someone new. I wish for my ABF to get better within himself and come back to our life.

I am sure you can coexist especially for your kids. Its hard to do because you both may feel & act like strangers at times . You sound like a strong lady, you will be fine.

ItsmeAlice

Still I have been hurt by his words and the insinuation that because I showed anger, indifference and pain and moved out of our bedroom he is saying he thought I did not love him.......... I feel like he is saying those things to make me feel like he was justified in meeting someone new.

I totally agree with this statement.

I was heartbroken and frustrated night after night waiting for ABF to come home after work. I would sit on the couch watching TV with my stomach growling because I didn't want to start dinner without him and tick him off that he came home and I had already eaten, and the longer I waited the more irritated I became (over a year of that at least). Once I started working at home, I realized I was much happier working those hours and doing more productive things to benefit me instead of waiting around for him to get drunk in his truck and roll home. Now, he tries to tell me that he stays out of the house late because I'm always working and there's no point in coming straight home.

It's all quacking and manipulation to turn the facts in their favor. That's why doing what is right for you is all you can do. If waiting around for him and not eating when I'm hungry for dinner was good for me, I could have continued to do it. He would have found other reasons to justify his behavior. The times when he told me he was working late and lost track of time, but I had already seen his truck parked at the back of the property with him in it, were especially enfuriating.

Change has to happen for any of our situations to improve.

Change doesn't mean we will all be miserable.

We could all be on the verge of a great life if we just let the changes take place.

Peace.

Alice

javalvr

I am hoping that he will be successful in his recovery. But i know that it is probably too late for us. I will support him in his attempt, but do my best to focus on me and the kids. I think with some help we can get along enough for us to find better arrangements. I will not know if I have to move unitil Jan so I think the next few months will be hard.

Yes i understand about dinner, I would cook a nice meal, then he would say he wasn't hungry and would eat a plate later. It would upset me, I was trying to get the family to eat together. Soon I gave up and just didn't even set out a plate for him. Since he is gone we are actually eating healthier and the kids are actually more relaxed.

I have been told that I am being selfish by thinking of myself when I set boundaries and try to focus on myself. Why do they say this? Why are women expected to be so "selfless" when they can live however they want?

Change can be a good thing. Sometimes I feel like I am on a rollercoaster, guess you just have to strap in a go along for the ride waiting to get off when it stops. One of those rides where you say wow, but never want to do again.

Keep the faith.

ItsmeAlice

When the topic of being self-centered over self-loving came up on the forum it got me thinking about my own behavior since starting recovery, and I wondered if some of the things I have chosen to do to focus on myself could arguably be considered selfish.

My decision to stop waiting for him to come home to fix a meal and eat was one of the changes I thought could be considered selfish.

I couldn't help but think that if someone cooked me a great tasting healthy meal every evening, I would have the common courtesy to show up. Something I learned as a child, by the way. Finish up your play date and get home before the street lights go out. Simple. Easy to remember.

Were I cooking a meal for myself and eating it in front of him when he came home in time for the "dinner hour," I could entirely see that as selfish. He doesn't cook beyond heating soup and we've long since established that I prepare meals.

Instead, I prepare a meal around about the same time every evening. Some meals take longer to cook than others, but the time to eat around here is pretty well predictable. Some nights, he can make it home in time. Other nights he's a no show/no call. If something I make can't be reasonably saved (fish doesn't always keep well) I make sure to have something that is 'heat and eat' available for him. The fact that he chooses to not put forth the effort to reheat a plate for himself when he does stumble in but instead expend the energy to tell me of my selfishnes, just shows he does not understand the meaning of the word at all.

And until I really thought about it...neither did I.