BigSis

I just read a few threads on here and was struck by how many were concerning anger over someone not meeting another's expectations.

My recovery has helped me to see that those expections generally lead to disappointment and that disappointment to resentment. Which is why they have a saying around the tables -

Today's expectations are tomorrow's resentments.



And resentments are what will kill me.

I grew up with lists...lots and lots of lists of things I was going to do and things I was not going to do. The type of husband I was going to marry, the type of mother I was going to be, what sort of education I would get and even the type of job I would eventually have.

Each of these things, one by one, lead to disappointment, and eventually, to resentments.

I resented my parents for not planning for an education for me.
I resented my community for not being a place I could meet a "decent" man.
I resented my husband for not being what I imagined.
I resented my children for not getting their education, for developing addictions and for not fulfilling my dream.


Recovery has helped me put the blame where it needs to be.... on MY expectations. As I've slowly dropped them, I discovered (or admitted) that I likely would not have attended college with or without my parent's financial support as I was involved in my own drinking career.

I attracted exactly the type of man I was willing to have in my life.

My husband is and has been, exactly the kind of man he has presented himself to be.

My children are on the path of addiction - I am not on that path, there is nothing I can do, or could have done, to change this.


All those expectations.... all those disappointments.... all those resentments


All have to do with me.

And I am not powerless over me. I can change. I can think through what is causing the negative feelings and adjust my ideas.

I can live a better life.

cece1960

Thank you ((((Sis)))
I needed to hear that

barblsn

My husband is and has been, exactly the kind of man he has presented himself to be.

YES. My husband and I are back together. I recently realized that when he was using, he was acting like addicts act; and I was expecting him to act like a man in recovery. I think this is why I allowed him to stay in the house even though I knew he was using, even though I knew he was squandering all our money. I kept EXPECTING him to stop. But that was my error. An expectation for an addict it to use and get money to use.

So, the expectation I have now for my husband is that he stay clean. He now has an obsession with the new lawn he put in. Honestly, it drives me nuts; but while he is out there every night watering, he is not using. We spend EVERY weekend with his brother who is in recovery. Not really my choice. But while with with his brother, he's not using. And when something bothers my husband, he calls his brother and they talk, and he doesn't use.

I realized that since have decided to try to work things out with my husband who has a major addiction problem, I have to be more realistic with my expectations of him. So, while he's watering the lawn, I do something I like. At his brothers, I make myself at home and read and ride his bike and pretty soon I'll be swimming in his pool (and hey...we don't have a pool!)

And my husband has become more focused on our marriage, we have fun together, we are keeping it simple.

imallright

I am thinking there is a difference between "wanting and expecting".... correct? And if we make our own choices then if we don't want what we have, we choose again... correct? I know I am making it sound very simple... but I guess I am trying to break it down for myself.

It's not my fault that someone isn't "being" how or who I want them to be... but it is my fault if I don't want to be in this place and I choose to stay there. They don't do something to me, I allow them to do it to me... that type of thing... right?

Guess the hard part is getting strong enough to recognize 1. what I want 2. that it's ok to get it and 3. not to settle for less... unless I make a conscious decision that I am ok with the situation.

Wow... I am tired now! HA! Thoughts???

Ann

BigSis, you are a shining example of recovery at its finest. Every time I read something you write, I learn a little more.

Expectations were often the motive behind my bad codie behaviour...Doing things to make my son stop using drugs and then expecting that he actually would quit. Sheeesh, what was I thinking.

Thanks for this reminder, this is one topic I need to work on often.

Hugs

Spiritual Seeker

Thanks for carrying the message so eloquently.
Things just are...it is the story that we wrap around events, situations and others that gets us into trouble. If we learn to live and let live and w/hold judgement it frees us
to be all that we can be.