The Affair
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 61
The Affair
The affair will answer all my questions. Everything still needs to be planned and executed, of course, but if all goes right this will be the tipping point for a happy life. I have been 100% faithful since the day we met, and it ends here. I will announce it to the wife with all of the fanfare that such a betrayal of trust deserves. Except, of course, the remorse. Nope, there will be no guilt in this one. The only question is whether I hire bagpipers to follow me into the kitchen to announce to her that with this one singular act I have destroyed all vows I spoke, all promises that I made, everything together that our life is built around, all of the truths that are the foundation of our marriage. And I’m going to be mean about it. Yes, sir, no begging for forgiveness, no bowing at her altar, no its not you it me honey. Nope, this one is going to be laid squarely on her shoulders. Because the truth of the matter is that it IS her. This is going to be designed to rock her world. This is designed to destroy. That’s when the pieces will fall into place.
Will she forgive me? I know that I deserve forgiveness, but will she? Will she see that she deserves this? Will she see that she owes me this? Or that I owe her this? It’s all quite simple really. I have forgiven her for so much in the past, so much unpredictability, so much anguish, so much heartbreak. One thing after another has been talked about, analyzed why it happened, resolved to never happen again, and finally absolved. It kept happening. She has jeopardized my children in ways both physical and emotional. She has jeopardized our marriage by her abusive behavior. I have always ultimately issued a reprieve. It’s her turn to forgive. Or it’s over.
I have to destroy to build. I am finally (hopefully) going to hurt her as much as she has hurt me. If she has it in her to forgive, then I can go forward with her. If not, if she throws me out of the house, if she divorces me, then she didn’t deserve my loyalty over the years. It’s time for actions, not words. It’s one thing to say she loves me (of course after saying she didn’t when she was still drinking), let’s put her in the same goddamned position she put me in and see what she’s made of. I hope she can see a way forward, but if not then I will be blessed to move on.
Oh, I know, it’s not her fault, she’s an alcoholic after all. Once sober, the past is the past, one day at a time, accept the things you cannot change, all that. Well, I have been in control of NOTHING for years. This I can control. This is going to put everything to the test. Does she have it in her to deal with a fraction of what I have been going through? Is she strong enough? Is she willing? If she runs then I have no choice but to start over.
Wish me luck, or let the bullets start flying, whatever anybody wants.
Will she forgive me? I know that I deserve forgiveness, but will she? Will she see that she deserves this? Will she see that she owes me this? Or that I owe her this? It’s all quite simple really. I have forgiven her for so much in the past, so much unpredictability, so much anguish, so much heartbreak. One thing after another has been talked about, analyzed why it happened, resolved to never happen again, and finally absolved. It kept happening. She has jeopardized my children in ways both physical and emotional. She has jeopardized our marriage by her abusive behavior. I have always ultimately issued a reprieve. It’s her turn to forgive. Or it’s over.
I have to destroy to build. I am finally (hopefully) going to hurt her as much as she has hurt me. If she has it in her to forgive, then I can go forward with her. If not, if she throws me out of the house, if she divorces me, then she didn’t deserve my loyalty over the years. It’s time for actions, not words. It’s one thing to say she loves me (of course after saying she didn’t when she was still drinking), let’s put her in the same goddamned position she put me in and see what she’s made of. I hope she can see a way forward, but if not then I will be blessed to move on.
Oh, I know, it’s not her fault, she’s an alcoholic after all. Once sober, the past is the past, one day at a time, accept the things you cannot change, all that. Well, I have been in control of NOTHING for years. This I can control. This is going to put everything to the test. Does she have it in her to deal with a fraction of what I have been going through? Is she strong enough? Is she willing? If she runs then I have no choice but to start over.
Wish me luck, or let the bullets start flying, whatever anybody wants.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 811
I keep editing my posts because I don't even know what to say. It is sad to have to initiate something like this. It is sad your wife is an alcoholic. It is sad that you go about it this way. But in a way I can understand because I have caused enough crap in my own life for the past 6 months. I guess this gives me a huge "awakening" to what it is like for my husband right now and what needs to be done.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
I have to destroy to build. I am finally (hopefully) going to hurt her as much as she has hurt me. If she has it in her to forgive, then I can go forward with her. If not, if she throws me out of the house, if she divorces me, then she didn’t deserve my loyalty over the years. It’s time for actions, not words.
I don't know man, that's sick thinking, sorry, that's just the way I see it. Now, did I get this right... YOU cheated on HER?
Mark
Sober since 9th May 2008
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2,973
I'm maybe not understanding this but ....................
Your planning to have an affair just to get back at your wife for what she's put you through ?
Tough emotions to play with, quite apart from the rights and wrongs, which ain't for me to tell you about, there could be a lot of people hurt by this.
I don't know but I don't think I could have an affair without feeling something for that person, the person you have the affair with is going to get hurt if your wife forgives and you stay with her, you could get hurt if it all goes wrong ( not sure how this plan could go right ) and your wife will get hurt whatever.
Seems a very destuctive path to walk.
Have you considered just leaving her ?
Anyway, its your life, not my place to judge, we all make our own decisions.
Your planning to have an affair just to get back at your wife for what she's put you through ?
Tough emotions to play with, quite apart from the rights and wrongs, which ain't for me to tell you about, there could be a lot of people hurt by this.
I don't know but I don't think I could have an affair without feeling something for that person, the person you have the affair with is going to get hurt if your wife forgives and you stay with her, you could get hurt if it all goes wrong ( not sure how this plan could go right ) and your wife will get hurt whatever.
Seems a very destuctive path to walk.
Have you considered just leaving her ?
Anyway, its your life, not my place to judge, we all make our own decisions.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Well i was deleted too, I'll try again, and if I'm still being inappropriate, I'll just quit trying.
None of your questions back to me warrant an answer, as you don't really want them anyways. You have chosen to stay with her, as difficult as it's been. I don't feel that two wrongs make a right. I don't see how it is beneficial to the kids that have already been put through hell with their mother, to have another parent they can't trust.
I think it's sad, and I'm sorry I touched a nerve... but you put this out here for response.
None of your questions back to me warrant an answer, as you don't really want them anyways. You have chosen to stay with her, as difficult as it's been. I don't feel that two wrongs make a right. I don't see how it is beneficial to the kids that have already been put through hell with their mother, to have another parent they can't trust.
I think it's sad, and I'm sorry I touched a nerve... but you put this out here for response.
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
9Iron, I am so sorry that you are so hurt and so angry.
I totally get where you are comin from but I do not agree with it, if that makes sense.
And I will tell you why. Because you have lowered yourself.
I have never cheated on my husband and I am Soooo grateful for that. Because I am a faithful spouse. No one can ever take that from me. I have honored my marriage vows in regards to fidelity. I am NOT saying this toward you in any way, it is just that when I did my 4th step, I was SOOO grateful to be able to say that and to know that about my self, my character. Because I have done so much that I am not proud of.
Your hurt and anger has cause you to give up some of your character, in my opinion. I am really sorry for that. I think you need to take care of yourself and try to get some inner healing. Do you attend Alanon? Therapy?Anything? You should, you deserve it.
My prayers are with you and your wife :ghug3
I totally get where you are comin from but I do not agree with it, if that makes sense.
And I will tell you why. Because you have lowered yourself.
I have never cheated on my husband and I am Soooo grateful for that. Because I am a faithful spouse. No one can ever take that from me. I have honored my marriage vows in regards to fidelity. I am NOT saying this toward you in any way, it is just that when I did my 4th step, I was SOOO grateful to be able to say that and to know that about my self, my character. Because I have done so much that I am not proud of.
Your hurt and anger has cause you to give up some of your character, in my opinion. I am really sorry for that. I think you need to take care of yourself and try to get some inner healing. Do you attend Alanon? Therapy?Anything? You should, you deserve it.
My prayers are with you and your wife :ghug3
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: SoCal
Posts: 373
Many years ago, when I was 19, I walked into the home I shared with my partner and found her in bed with another woman. I turned and walked out, stayed with friends for 3 days while I found my own apartment. When I returned 3 days later to gather my belongings, I found that she had stolen my favorite shirt. I took her favorite suit and left a note saying that I was holding her suit ransom until she returned my favorite shirt. I felt very powerful and in control. I told a friend about the situation and she told me something I'll never forget.
I was not powerful or in control at all. I couldn't control her actions. But when I started doing thisngs that were outside of my charachter, I had actually given all my power up to her and to the situation. Yes, she stole from me. But does that mean it's ok for me to steal? No! I'll never feel good about myself being a thief, no matter how many people steal from me. I won't use other's bad actions to justify my own.
I returned the suit and never looked back. No, I never got my favorite shirt back. But 20 years later... what do I care about the shirt? I have my dignity and my power. Those last a longer than a shirt.
People do a lot of crappy things. And they do a lot of wonderful things. The only thing I can control is myself. Do I want to sink to the lowest common denominator? Or strive for the highest.
Good luck!
I was not powerful or in control at all. I couldn't control her actions. But when I started doing thisngs that were outside of my charachter, I had actually given all my power up to her and to the situation. Yes, she stole from me. But does that mean it's ok for me to steal? No! I'll never feel good about myself being a thief, no matter how many people steal from me. I won't use other's bad actions to justify my own.
I returned the suit and never looked back. No, I never got my favorite shirt back. But 20 years later... what do I care about the shirt? I have my dignity and my power. Those last a longer than a shirt.
People do a lot of crappy things. And they do a lot of wonderful things. The only thing I can control is myself. Do I want to sink to the lowest common denominator? Or strive for the highest.
Good luck!
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Orlando Florida
Posts: 220
You do realize of course that she's already beaten you? Badly. You have allowed her to fill yourself with anger, resentment, and a lust for revenge. This will be as corrosive as Sulfuric Acid on your soul. And don't think the kids won't notice it either. The obsessive hatred you seem to embrace makes you every bit as bad as you accuse her to be.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 61
Mark-
No, I have not cheated on her. Never have. That also is not how I treat the people I love, not up until this point.
So let me get this straight, its perfectly acceptable to mentally torture someone for years on end, because the person has the disease of alcoholism. The person who has been on the receiving end of it has no rights to damage the relationship in an attempt to save it. This is not about retribution. This is to find out once and for all whether she is willing to have the level of commitment to me that I have had for her through all of our ordeals. The past few days have indicated that she will not by her reactions and comments to our new "honest and open" dialogue. How's this, would it be any better if I "admitted" to an affair that I never have? If that's any better I will do that.
And wow, you would think this group is so virtuous that infidelity is unheard of in the recovering community based on the response and number of deleted posts. I'm not throwing stones at anyone here, but sure got a few thrown my way for what in this country is not an uncommon occurrence. Guess it's something that's best kept under wraps and not discussed in polite company.
No, I have not cheated on her. Never have. That also is not how I treat the people I love, not up until this point.
So let me get this straight, its perfectly acceptable to mentally torture someone for years on end, because the person has the disease of alcoholism. The person who has been on the receiving end of it has no rights to damage the relationship in an attempt to save it. This is not about retribution. This is to find out once and for all whether she is willing to have the level of commitment to me that I have had for her through all of our ordeals. The past few days have indicated that she will not by her reactions and comments to our new "honest and open" dialogue. How's this, would it be any better if I "admitted" to an affair that I never have? If that's any better I will do that.
And wow, you would think this group is so virtuous that infidelity is unheard of in the recovering community based on the response and number of deleted posts. I'm not throwing stones at anyone here, but sure got a few thrown my way for what in this country is not an uncommon occurrence. Guess it's something that's best kept under wraps and not discussed in polite company.
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Originally Posted by Chamabama 
Many years ago, when I was 19, I walked into the home I shared with my partner and found her in bed with another woman. I turned and walked out, stayed with friends for 3 days while I found my own apartment. When I returned 3 days later to gather my belongings, I found that she had stolen my favorite shirt. I took her favorite suit and left a note saying that I was holding her suit ransom until she returned my favorite shirt. I felt very powerful and in control. I told a friend about the situation and she told me something I'll never forget.
I was not powerful or in control at all. I couldn't control her actions. But when I started doing thisngs that were outside of my charachter, I had actually given all my power up to her and to the situation. Yes, she stole from me. But does that mean it's ok for me to steal? No! I'll never feel good about myself being a thief, no matter how many people steal from me. I won't use other's bad actions to justify my own.
I returned the suit and never looked back. No, I never got my favorite shirt back. But 20 years later... what do I care about the shirt? I have my dignity and my power. Those last a longer than a shirt.
People do a lot of crappy things. And they do a lot of wonderful things. The only thing I can control is myself. Do I want to sink to the lowest common denominator? Or strive for the highest.
Good luck!
I was not powerful or in control at all. I couldn't control her actions. But when I started doing thisngs that were outside of my charachter, I had actually given all my power up to her and to the situation. Yes, she stole from me. But does that mean it's ok for me to steal? No! I'll never feel good about myself being a thief, no matter how many people steal from me. I won't use other's bad actions to justify my own.
I returned the suit and never looked back. No, I never got my favorite shirt back. But 20 years later... what do I care about the shirt? I have my dignity and my power. Those last a longer than a shirt.
People do a lot of crappy things. And they do a lot of wonderful things. The only thing I can control is myself. Do I want to sink to the lowest common denominator? Or strive for the highest.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Trying to resolve years of pain and suffering by pouring in more pain and suffering makes about as much sense as trying to dig your way out of a pit.
I'm sorry you've chosen to become this vengeful person, but I wish you the best.
I'm sorry you've chosen to become this vengeful person, but I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Are you going to tell the person you are planning to have an affair with that you are married?
How is exacting revenge going to help you as a couple move forward?
I am not sure if I get this, but you talk about being forgiven and deserve this, well, are you defining "forgiveness" as a go-ahead and acceptance of your planned infidelity?
Most people would see that as the nail in the casket for the average relationship....
How is exacting revenge going to help you as a couple move forward?
I am not sure if I get this, but you talk about being forgiven and deserve this, well, are you defining "forgiveness" as a go-ahead and acceptance of your planned infidelity?
Most people would see that as the nail in the casket for the average relationship....
Just me...
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 392
Do you thinkk that maybe, since shee is actively still drinking thatt all she will do once you have toldd her is want to drinkk more?
Because, as a recoveringg alkie myselff. I neverr really thoughtt straight annd any excusee to drink more was always welcomed when I wass drinking.
Because, as a recoveringg alkie myselff. I neverr really thoughtt straight annd any excusee to drink more was always welcomed when I wass drinking.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
9iron
for the longest time I didn't understand Al Anon - wasn't it me, the alcoholic, who was sick? What could any partner of mine get from it?
Truth is my sickness was never just my own.
I urge you to try something like AlAnon mate, therapy, something.
You need healing too.
What you're discussing here has nothing to do with love 9 iron.
Nothing.
D
for the longest time I didn't understand Al Anon - wasn't it me, the alcoholic, who was sick? What could any partner of mine get from it?
Truth is my sickness was never just my own.
I urge you to try something like AlAnon mate, therapy, something.
You need healing too.
What you're discussing here has nothing to do with love 9 iron.
Nothing.
D
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