Fearing the Consequences of taking Action
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Leesville, Louisiana
Posts: 1
Fearing the Consequences of taking Action
I have been watching these boards off and on for at least a year, but didn't feel comfortable posting until today.
I am a 31 yr old man with a sister who is addicted to drugs, primarily cocaine. We as a family were not completely aware of her problem until after she gave birth to my niece in 2006. Within a month of giving birth my sister began to display abnormal behavior. She claimed to have been raped by dozenns of men while the entire family was present. She also said I was part of a worldwide conspiracy to derail her life. It got so bad, we ended up calling the police who brought in the Child Protective Service. It was their investigation that revealed my sister had tested positive for Cocaine. My neice was placed in the care of my mother and me. Then after a violent episode where my sister attacked a social worker, police came and took my niece away (worst night of my life.) Fortunately, the courts awarded my mother and me full custody, giving my sister only the right to have supervised visitation. That was in 2006.
Since that time, I've raised my niece with the help of my mother and a family friend. My sister continued to experience psychotic behavior, and also do drugs. My mother has gone out of her way to help my sister. She helped her get public housing, and pays all the bills. My brother got her job as a nurse assistant. However, she used the money to get high, which contributed to psychotic behavior on the job, and she lost it.
My sister's addiction has tested the entire family. However, it has particularly placed a strain on the relationship I have with my mother. I feel we should cut off all support, terminate visitation, and pretty much keep her out the family until my sister can get help. My mother feels that would push her over the edge, and lead to suicide. She even moved in with my sister to help keep her apartment because the landlord don't trust her.
The result is I have to endure my sister coming over whenever she feels like to "visit" with my niece. She claims to love her, and use soft words like baby and boo. However, to me it all sounds very fake. And my sister takes advantage of "visitation" to argue with us for money. She often blames me for "taking" her daughter from her, and when I tell her leave, she says make me. This in turns gets me angry, and I go off. My mother then comes in and remind me how important it is for my sister to see her daughter.
Well tonight, she has pushed me too far. My sister began calling for money, and when we said no, she just kept on harassing everyone. She threatened my mother to leave her appartment, which I have pleaded for my mother to do for months. She curse and swears in front of my niece, which drives me to the point of swearing back, even though I know it isn't the way I am suppose to behave with my neice present.
I don't want to see my sister at my apartment anymore. I'm convinced she doesn't love my neice. And the only reason she comes around is when she feels guilty or wants something. My mother doesn't want that. And my sister knows how I feel, but appears confident that I will ultimately follow my mother's instructions.
It would be a lie if I said anger doesn't factor into my thought-process. I am very angry at what my sister has done to my niece and how she treats my mother - who is in fact her best friend. Its dragging us all down. My mother is quite ill, and I feel tired. At the same time, I tell my sister I don't care what happens to her. She can be homeless. However, deep down I do care, and maybe that contributes to my decision to accept my mother's position.
However, I see my neice changing. She doesn't seem comfortable with my sister around. And tonight, for the first time, I clearly saw the fighting troubled her. She didn't go to sleep, and cried a little as I held her.
I really want to do something. However, I fear the consequences if things don't work out. I know for that my sister's psychologist noted my mother is facilitating her condition. I probably would win a legal debate on visitation. I know my sister can't pass any drug tests, and her recent behavior would be seen as unhealthy, but then again so would mine.
Yet, if I did take action, it would upset my mother and sister. The chain of events would almost certainly lead to my sister removing my mother from the apartment, which in turn would lead to her eviction. Not being able to see my niece could very well lead to even more drug use, psychotic behavior, and death.
If anyone has any ideas or words of support, I would appreciate them.
Marcus
I am a 31 yr old man with a sister who is addicted to drugs, primarily cocaine. We as a family were not completely aware of her problem until after she gave birth to my niece in 2006. Within a month of giving birth my sister began to display abnormal behavior. She claimed to have been raped by dozenns of men while the entire family was present. She also said I was part of a worldwide conspiracy to derail her life. It got so bad, we ended up calling the police who brought in the Child Protective Service. It was their investigation that revealed my sister had tested positive for Cocaine. My neice was placed in the care of my mother and me. Then after a violent episode where my sister attacked a social worker, police came and took my niece away (worst night of my life.) Fortunately, the courts awarded my mother and me full custody, giving my sister only the right to have supervised visitation. That was in 2006.
Since that time, I've raised my niece with the help of my mother and a family friend. My sister continued to experience psychotic behavior, and also do drugs. My mother has gone out of her way to help my sister. She helped her get public housing, and pays all the bills. My brother got her job as a nurse assistant. However, she used the money to get high, which contributed to psychotic behavior on the job, and she lost it.
My sister's addiction has tested the entire family. However, it has particularly placed a strain on the relationship I have with my mother. I feel we should cut off all support, terminate visitation, and pretty much keep her out the family until my sister can get help. My mother feels that would push her over the edge, and lead to suicide. She even moved in with my sister to help keep her apartment because the landlord don't trust her.
The result is I have to endure my sister coming over whenever she feels like to "visit" with my niece. She claims to love her, and use soft words like baby and boo. However, to me it all sounds very fake. And my sister takes advantage of "visitation" to argue with us for money. She often blames me for "taking" her daughter from her, and when I tell her leave, she says make me. This in turns gets me angry, and I go off. My mother then comes in and remind me how important it is for my sister to see her daughter.
Well tonight, she has pushed me too far. My sister began calling for money, and when we said no, she just kept on harassing everyone. She threatened my mother to leave her appartment, which I have pleaded for my mother to do for months. She curse and swears in front of my niece, which drives me to the point of swearing back, even though I know it isn't the way I am suppose to behave with my neice present.
I don't want to see my sister at my apartment anymore. I'm convinced she doesn't love my neice. And the only reason she comes around is when she feels guilty or wants something. My mother doesn't want that. And my sister knows how I feel, but appears confident that I will ultimately follow my mother's instructions.
It would be a lie if I said anger doesn't factor into my thought-process. I am very angry at what my sister has done to my niece and how she treats my mother - who is in fact her best friend. Its dragging us all down. My mother is quite ill, and I feel tired. At the same time, I tell my sister I don't care what happens to her. She can be homeless. However, deep down I do care, and maybe that contributes to my decision to accept my mother's position.
However, I see my neice changing. She doesn't seem comfortable with my sister around. And tonight, for the first time, I clearly saw the fighting troubled her. She didn't go to sleep, and cried a little as I held her.
I really want to do something. However, I fear the consequences if things don't work out. I know for that my sister's psychologist noted my mother is facilitating her condition. I probably would win a legal debate on visitation. I know my sister can't pass any drug tests, and her recent behavior would be seen as unhealthy, but then again so would mine.
Yet, if I did take action, it would upset my mother and sister. The chain of events would almost certainly lead to my sister removing my mother from the apartment, which in turn would lead to her eviction. Not being able to see my niece could very well lead to even more drug use, psychotic behavior, and death.
If anyone has any ideas or words of support, I would appreciate them.
Marcus
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome, Marcus, glad you joined us.
Addiction is indeed a family disease. And when the family is not all on the same page as to how to handle the insanity, the addict gets to play off the ones who enable them most.
Take a read around and you will see that you are not alone. There is a lot of good stuff at the top of this forum on the "Sticky Posts".
Many of us have found our balance again by attending live meetings as well as coming here. Alanon, Naranon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that have brought peace and serenity to so many family members. Maybe give it a try, maybe see if anyone else in the family might care to join you. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Others will be along to welcome you also. It's heartbreaking to watch someone we love destroy themselves with drugs. It's heartbreaking to see the affects on children and family members as well.
Hugs
Addiction is indeed a family disease. And when the family is not all on the same page as to how to handle the insanity, the addict gets to play off the ones who enable them most.
Take a read around and you will see that you are not alone. There is a lot of good stuff at the top of this forum on the "Sticky Posts".
Many of us have found our balance again by attending live meetings as well as coming here. Alanon, Naranon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that have brought peace and serenity to so many family members. Maybe give it a try, maybe see if anyone else in the family might care to join you. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Others will be along to welcome you also. It's heartbreaking to watch someone we love destroy themselves with drugs. It's heartbreaking to see the affects on children and family members as well.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Originally Posted by Marcus31 
My sister's addiction has tested the entire family. However, it has particularly placed a strain on the relationship I have with my mother. I feel we should cut off all support, terminate visitation, and pretty much keep her out the family until my sister can get help. My mother feels that would push her over the edge, and lead to suicide. She even moved in with my sister to help keep her apartment because the landlord don't trust her.
Welcome to SR! Glad you found the courage to post... you'll find so much
encouragement and knowledge here. I highlighted what you said above.
This is what most addicts that have found recovery will tell you helped them
the most. They didn't like it at the time, but being forced to suffer the
consequences of their actions eventually led them to recovery.
This isn't a guarantee it will work in your sisters case, but on the other
hand.. enabling them, like in your mothers actions, can lead to "loving them
to death". If they never suffer any consequences of their actions, so why
should they change? Addiction is progressive... it gets worse over time.
It can eventually lead to jail, institutions, and death.
Keep reading and posting! Arm yourself with as much knowledge about
addiction as you can and you'll find the strength to be able to make the
decisions for your family. You're a special person to raise your niece.
((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Welcome, Marcus31. You are in a safe place here.
Unfortunately, your sister and her addiction has complete control of the family.
Can you afford to see an addiction specialist? If you can, that would be a very good move. You will be able to get your mother to come along if you simply say the appointment is to find out ways to "save" your sister. An experienced counselor will know how to break through your mother's enabling and denial in a more effective way than you could. And a counselor will be able to see the whole picture, the whole family dynamic, and speak to solutions.
It is a very very dangerous situation, Marcus31, and I worry that Al-Anon meetings alone would move too slowly for you. Your sister is psychotic and she could do unimaginable violence. You need to protect the child, no matter what. This situation is TOO BIG for you, Marcus31, or this forum or Al-Anon alone. It is too lethal.
Again, welcome. There is much love and support here.
Unfortunately, your sister and her addiction has complete control of the family.
Can you afford to see an addiction specialist? If you can, that would be a very good move. You will be able to get your mother to come along if you simply say the appointment is to find out ways to "save" your sister. An experienced counselor will know how to break through your mother's enabling and denial in a more effective way than you could. And a counselor will be able to see the whole picture, the whole family dynamic, and speak to solutions.
It is a very very dangerous situation, Marcus31, and I worry that Al-Anon meetings alone would move too slowly for you. Your sister is psychotic and she could do unimaginable violence. You need to protect the child, no matter what. This situation is TOO BIG for you, Marcus31, or this forum or Al-Anon alone. It is too lethal.
Again, welcome. There is much love and support here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
I'm so sorry you are in this situation.
My first thought is the child. She should not be subjected to any fighting. Isn't there a way you can let the court know what is going on when her mom visits?
What you might do if you have no relief from the court system is to have a disinterested person supervise visitation. Don't you or your mom even be there. That way your sister can't start a fight or ask for money. Is there a friend or relative who could be there for visitation who would not engage your sister or who could say to your sister "Look, I am here to supervise your visit per a court order. Nothing else. If you talk about anything else to me or act inappropriately around your child, you will be asked to leave. I will call the police to have you removed if necessary." Something like that... Or even meet outside and go into the house or car with the child and lock the door the minute she starts anything inappropriate.
Is the child getting counseling? It probably would be a good thing.
KariSue
My first thought is the child. She should not be subjected to any fighting. Isn't there a way you can let the court know what is going on when her mom visits?
What you might do if you have no relief from the court system is to have a disinterested person supervise visitation. Don't you or your mom even be there. That way your sister can't start a fight or ask for money. Is there a friend or relative who could be there for visitation who would not engage your sister or who could say to your sister "Look, I am here to supervise your visit per a court order. Nothing else. If you talk about anything else to me or act inappropriately around your child, you will be asked to leave. I will call the police to have you removed if necessary." Something like that... Or even meet outside and go into the house or car with the child and lock the door the minute she starts anything inappropriate.
Is the child getting counseling? It probably would be a good thing.
KariSue
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 234
Marcus the number 1 thing is to take care of that baby first!!! My son is an addict so I know how a mom feels when their child is battling this. YOu hurt beyond belief, there are times when I will be walking and the emotional pain is so great my knees want to buckle. Your mom will deal with her pain in the way she is able to deal with it. You cant change that because you can't truely undersand the pain she feels I don't think anyone but a partent can truely appreciate that pain. One of
the best things that people on here have said to me and what I try to remember whenever I have a hard decision concerning my son is nothing you do or say will cause the addict to quit or to cause them to use more. In other words she will continue to do what she wants no matter if you take steps to stop her from seeing her daugher or not until she is ready. The
only thing you are doing by allowing her to continue seeing her daughter is putting that little girl through a hell that she does not need to see or hear. The little girl will be the one to suffer the consequences long after the adults have dealt with all this garbage. Your job is not to take care of or save your sister only she can do that, but your job is to make sure this cycle doesn't repeat itself with the child. Your sister will survive, and so will your mother but will the child?
the best things that people on here have said to me and what I try to remember whenever I have a hard decision concerning my son is nothing you do or say will cause the addict to quit or to cause them to use more. In other words she will continue to do what she wants no matter if you take steps to stop her from seeing her daugher or not until she is ready. The
only thing you are doing by allowing her to continue seeing her daughter is putting that little girl through a hell that she does not need to see or hear. The little girl will be the one to suffer the consequences long after the adults have dealt with all this garbage. Your job is not to take care of or save your sister only she can do that, but your job is to make sure this cycle doesn't repeat itself with the child. Your sister will survive, and so will your mother but will the child?
Guest
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 2,968
Marcus as a Mom of an addict..I can tell you that the best advice I was
given was that helping the addict was only keeping him in his addiction..
Sounds simple..it isn't but it made me realize that I was harming rather than
helping..also on the stickies "10 ways family members can help" at the top
of the page can be a beginning for your Mom to understand..if possible copy
this out..have a quiet coffee time with her and ask her to read it with you..
This is a coming together bond that you can discuss together and be on the
same page as the "main" concern here is your niece and her stability..concentrate
and pull your powers of love for the child to a oneness and this will also take
you on a path of togetherness for the same purpose..saving the child...
lauren
given was that helping the addict was only keeping him in his addiction..
Sounds simple..it isn't but it made me realize that I was harming rather than
helping..also on the stickies "10 ways family members can help" at the top
of the page can be a beginning for your Mom to understand..if possible copy
this out..have a quiet coffee time with her and ask her to read it with you..
This is a coming together bond that you can discuss together and be on the
same page as the "main" concern here is your niece and her stability..concentrate
and pull your powers of love for the child to a oneness and this will also take
you on a path of togetherness for the same purpose..saving the child...
lauren
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
When nothing changes, nothing changes.
A wise old counselor told me once....
If an addict has a place to live, a warm bed and hot meals AND her drug of choice... why WOULD she change?
Doesn't that sound like an addict's dream?
You seem to understand the tough love needed to help sis...and you may have to include mom in that same tough love scenario.
I never could make the BIG stuff happen all at once... but I started taking SMALL (really tiny, sometimes) steps towards setting boundaries. Perhaps you can refuse to take sister's calls (or even mom's, for that matter) unless you are feeling strong enough to do battle.
Let the visitations take place in a public place... then set the rules (perhaps no shouting, no asking for money, or baby and I leave)... then follow through.
You have custody, that is so good for baby. Now comes the hard part of saying no to an unreasonable addict. It really is a "normal" part of her addiction, and separating the girl/sister you love from the addiction that is running her right now can be helpful.
I wish you the best!!
((hugs))
A wise old counselor told me once....
If an addict has a place to live, a warm bed and hot meals AND her drug of choice... why WOULD she change?
Doesn't that sound like an addict's dream?
You seem to understand the tough love needed to help sis...and you may have to include mom in that same tough love scenario.
I never could make the BIG stuff happen all at once... but I started taking SMALL (really tiny, sometimes) steps towards setting boundaries. Perhaps you can refuse to take sister's calls (or even mom's, for that matter) unless you are feeling strong enough to do battle.
Let the visitations take place in a public place... then set the rules (perhaps no shouting, no asking for money, or baby and I leave)... then follow through.
You have custody, that is so good for baby. Now comes the hard part of saying no to an unreasonable addict. It really is a "normal" part of her addiction, and separating the girl/sister you love from the addiction that is running her right now can be helpful.
I wish you the best!!
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Marcus31
The chain of events would almost certainly lead to my sister removing my mother from the apartment, which in turn would lead to her eviction. Not being able to see my niece could very well lead to even more drug use, psychotic behavior, and death. Marcus
Your sister's basic needs are being met by taxpayers and your mom. Sister has no reason to change cause life is relatively good ( albeit dysfunctional) , right now.
Do what is best for this child and the heck with the rest.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Marcus
Glad you felt comfortable enough to post, sorry the events in your life have brought you here.
I applaud you for taking on the responsibility of raising your sister’s sisters child.
We spend so much of our time in life calming the waters, making sure everyone is alright and fearing they won’t be. You are in a very emotionally difficult situation with your mother and sister.
What has been your mother’s reaction to your sister’s psychologist saying she is facilitating her condition?
Have either of you considered attending al-anon or nar-anon?
This situation certainly isn’t working for you so something has to change and the only control over that you have is to change yourself. Maybe follow through with the courts and go back to supervised visits only.
As much as it hurts, allowing your sister and mother to both suffer the consequences of there decisions and actions may end up benefiting all of you.
I’ve heard it said on here before: sometimes you just gotta get your butt into the life boat and row away from the sinking ship…….you can always go back later for survivors.
Marcus
Glad you felt comfortable enough to post, sorry the events in your life have made you find us.
I applaud you for taking on the responsibility of raising your sister’s sisters child.
We spend so much of our time in life calming the waters, making sure everyone is alright and fearing they won’t be. You are in a very emotionally difficult situation with your mother and sister.
What has been your mother’s reaction to your sister’s psychologist saying she is facilitating her condition?
Have either of you considered attending al-anon or nar-anon?
This situation certainly isn’t working for you so something has to change and the only control over that you have is to change yourself. Maybe follow through with the courts and go back to supervised visits only.
As much as it hurts, allowing your sister and mother to both suffer the consequences of there decisions and actions may end up benefiting all of you.
I’ve heard it said on here before: sometimes you just gotta get your butt into the life boat and row away from the sinking ship…….you can always go back later for survivors.
Keep posting.....
Glad you felt comfortable enough to post, sorry the events in your life have brought you here.
I applaud you for taking on the responsibility of raising your sister’s sisters child.
We spend so much of our time in life calming the waters, making sure everyone is alright and fearing they won’t be. You are in a very emotionally difficult situation with your mother and sister.
What has been your mother’s reaction to your sister’s psychologist saying she is facilitating her condition?
Have either of you considered attending al-anon or nar-anon?
This situation certainly isn’t working for you so something has to change and the only control over that you have is to change yourself. Maybe follow through with the courts and go back to supervised visits only.
As much as it hurts, allowing your sister and mother to both suffer the consequences of there decisions and actions may end up benefiting all of you.
I’ve heard it said on here before: sometimes you just gotta get your butt into the life boat and row away from the sinking ship…….you can always go back later for survivors.
Marcus
Glad you felt comfortable enough to post, sorry the events in your life have made you find us.
I applaud you for taking on the responsibility of raising your sister’s sisters child.
We spend so much of our time in life calming the waters, making sure everyone is alright and fearing they won’t be. You are in a very emotionally difficult situation with your mother and sister.
What has been your mother’s reaction to your sister’s psychologist saying she is facilitating her condition?
Have either of you considered attending al-anon or nar-anon?
This situation certainly isn’t working for you so something has to change and the only control over that you have is to change yourself. Maybe follow through with the courts and go back to supervised visits only.
As much as it hurts, allowing your sister and mother to both suffer the consequences of there decisions and actions may end up benefiting all of you.
I’ve heard it said on here before: sometimes you just gotta get your butt into the life boat and row away from the sinking ship…….you can always go back later for survivors.
Keep posting.....
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