Hi, I am new here!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 4
Hi, I am new here!
Hello Everybody!
I am new here and just wanted to get some feedback.
I just recently started dating a recovering Drug Addict, he has been clean for almost 3 years, I really am not familiar with all the steps and healing he must still be going thru, I guess my question is, is it too soon for him to be dating someone? I know this may sound naive but I just am really new to this situation.
Any feedback would be much appreciated!
Thank you!!!
Dee
I am new here and just wanted to get some feedback.
I just recently started dating a recovering Drug Addict, he has been clean for almost 3 years, I really am not familiar with all the steps and healing he must still be going thru, I guess my question is, is it too soon for him to be dating someone? I know this may sound naive but I just am really new to this situation.
Any feedback would be much appreciated!
Thank you!!!
Dee
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: London
Posts: 219
Hi eighties chick, another eighties chick here 
Not as familiar with drug abuse (My A but too long ago and wasn't paying as much attention) but hello and sure there will be others along soon with more to add.
Not as familiar with drug abuse (My A but too long ago and wasn't paying as much attention) but hello and sure there will be others along soon with more to add.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Welcome EightyChick,
I don't think there is any real grand rule about how long one should wait to start dating again or start a Knew relationship once they are in recovery. Although I beleive they do advise to wait at least one year into recovery.
Please don't ever think any question is naive, ask anything .
Rose
I don't think there is any real grand rule about how long one should wait to start dating again or start a Knew relationship once they are in recovery. Although I beleive they do advise to wait at least one year into recovery.
Please don't ever think any question is naive, ask anything .
Rose
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Hi EightiesChick.. welcome to SR. I've heard the advisement of waiting a year also in recovery. I was naive at first too... but there is so much good information in the sticky posts at the top of this forum. Just arm yourself with lots of knowledge and you'll be prepared for whatever happens with your relationship. Keep reading and posting!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Welcome!
Go very very slow and also be careful that you don't become too absorbed with his vulnerabilities and recovery issues (I am hearing just a little hint of that possibility in your post). Use good birth control.
Above all, hold him accountable and never excuse bad behavior just because he's a recovering addict.
Good luck! You are always welcome here!
Go very very slow and also be careful that you don't become too absorbed with his vulnerabilities and recovery issues (I am hearing just a little hint of that possibility in your post). Use good birth control.
Above all, hold him accountable and never excuse bad behavior just because he's a recovering addict.
Good luck! You are always welcome here!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Sebastion
Posts: 41
welcome, funny if you read my post I too started dating a recovering addict that had also been clean for 3 years. If you read my posts you can see what has happened with me and him. I no longer see him . When we first went out I had some drinks at a concert,then the following date I had a glass of wine with dinner then the following date I had him over for dinner and I had a glass of wine while I was cooking. Then the bomb fell from under me cause he finally told me he was a recovering addict of 3 years and did not want to go out anymore because he wanted to go out with someone that was in recovery like him. I said I would not drink anymore and he said he did not want me to quit drinking for him. I hate drugs and alcohol myself. If there was no alcohol left in the world I would not care less. It has been about 3 weeks since we went out anywhere together and whatever we did prior to that is pretty well history. You will probably fall deeply in love with your RA and I wish you serentity and a great relationship with him. I started going to al-anon after we ended our contact. I use to go regularly 10 years ago because I always attracted A's or DA's. Please keep posting and welcome to SR.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 4
Hi Rebec,
Thank you so much for your response, I am so sorry that things didn't work out with the RA you were dating. He should have told you from the beginning that he was a recoverying RA. I hope you find someone is right for you! I may start to go to al-anon, if the relationship continues, it is not a problem me not to drink now b/c it is early in the relationship but I do enjoy drinking so I don't know if that is going to be a problem in the future.
Thanks again!
Thank you so much for your response, I am so sorry that things didn't work out with the RA you were dating. He should have told you from the beginning that he was a recoverying RA. I hope you find someone is right for you! I may start to go to al-anon, if the relationship continues, it is not a problem me not to drink now b/c it is early in the relationship but I do enjoy drinking so I don't know if that is going to be a problem in the future.
Thanks again!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Sebastion
Posts: 41
we are still friends and we never know what might happen. I really do not like to drink I can live witout it. I had and have had way to many alcoholics in my life so alcohol is not one of my favorite things. Joining Al-anon again is a savoir for me. I thank him for getting me there again. It helps me understand what we all go through. Let Go and Let God
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
You just follow your heart, each recovering addict is different, I personally feel that a recovering addict is a very strong person. I have mixed feelings, we have some wonderful people on here that were active addicts that are now former users, still sadly enough will have the name of addict with them for the rest of their lives. Addict seems to me so bold, former user just seems so less critical, but that is how it goes. I just feel that someone using justifies Addict. But I don't know or can't say or have any of our fellow recovering addicts on here ever mentioned that they feel any bitter about it.
I myself would have real mixed feelings and confusion if I was to meet and start dating a former addict, but that is ony because I was married to a very hard user so my wall is up thick and strong for me to even consider any relationship that had any drug problems beforehand I would stay away. But that is only from my experience.
What I so soley believe is a recovering addict is a very very strong perosn a very hard habit to concour...and from any person in my life that I know that have turned to drugs, they were such smart people, not just wonders not knowing what to do with their lives,
something I just don't understand. My husband was such a hard worker, smart...thought things through before jumping in feet first...but he is still a person and should he become clean again, he has so much to give and I don't beleive backs should be turned on him because he had a sickness. Should he ever make the move to change around and clean himself up I would be the 1st one there to stand behind him, but it would have to be sometime for him being clean before I would stand there.
They all deserve a chance, he was honest enough to tell you about his past, should you start to have some flags you will know. All relationship have problems here and there and you may feel challenged, confused and wondering if this is normal or is this a drug thing. The best thing you can do is ask here or where ever, but try not to relate every problem to the problem he had. Plus there is going to be places he is just not wanting to go to and these could be places that you like to go to or things you want to go and do and he is uncomfortable doing, after this long he has learned to stay away from things that trigger him. This is something you will have to respect of him, but also you don't have to change and alter your life to suit his life. It all comes down to time and what each of you are willing to give and take.
I only wish you the very best and think you as well are a very strong and smart peron, asking questions...you are looking out for you...!
Rose
I myself would have real mixed feelings and confusion if I was to meet and start dating a former addict, but that is ony because I was married to a very hard user so my wall is up thick and strong for me to even consider any relationship that had any drug problems beforehand I would stay away. But that is only from my experience.
What I so soley believe is a recovering addict is a very very strong perosn a very hard habit to concour...and from any person in my life that I know that have turned to drugs, they were such smart people, not just wonders not knowing what to do with their lives,
something I just don't understand. My husband was such a hard worker, smart...thought things through before jumping in feet first...but he is still a person and should he become clean again, he has so much to give and I don't beleive backs should be turned on him because he had a sickness. Should he ever make the move to change around and clean himself up I would be the 1st one there to stand behind him, but it would have to be sometime for him being clean before I would stand there.
They all deserve a chance, he was honest enough to tell you about his past, should you start to have some flags you will know. All relationship have problems here and there and you may feel challenged, confused and wondering if this is normal or is this a drug thing. The best thing you can do is ask here or where ever, but try not to relate every problem to the problem he had. Plus there is going to be places he is just not wanting to go to and these could be places that you like to go to or things you want to go and do and he is uncomfortable doing, after this long he has learned to stay away from things that trigger him. This is something you will have to respect of him, but also you don't have to change and alter your life to suit his life. It all comes down to time and what each of you are willing to give and take.
I only wish you the very best and think you as well are a very strong and smart peron, asking questions...you are looking out for you...!
Rose
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to s.r. i am glad you found us. this is a good place to read around there is alot to learn. we all have an addict in our life. all addicts are different but alike. your question is, he ready for a relationship? i would think so, the rule is a yr. his recovery always come first. it does not matter how many yrs. he has been clean. his recovery is his recovery. keep coming back & let us know how it is going. prayers for you both,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
For me the key would be if they are still working a program. i would be hesitent if they werent doing something to continue their recovery - doesnt have to be AA/NA just something showing that they are still working it. those problems dont just go away. a friend of mine told me that it really took him about 5 years to really get it and now after 15 years its really not a struggle to not drink but he still goes to meetings. He will never consider himself fixed and knows that even after all these years he could still fall.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 11
I think that if he has really and truly been clean for 3 years he could be ready for a relationship. HOWEVER, my EX-RAB, had someone in his home meeting (NA) who was clean 15 years and relapsed....so anything is possible...Just keep the communication open...
Sidebar for Rebec
My EX-RAB had a problem with me going to the bars (even tho im not a big drinker and neither is he, his problem was crack). He finally told me he was just jealous that I could go and he couldnt...Right now he can't handle going into a bar and being able to pin point who is on/doing/selling drugs...Too much temptation...he is only 5 months clean though so that might not have been his issue, I just thought I would share.
Much love to you all!
Sidebar for Rebec
My EX-RAB had a problem with me going to the bars (even tho im not a big drinker and neither is he, his problem was crack). He finally told me he was just jealous that I could go and he couldnt...Right now he can't handle going into a bar and being able to pin point who is on/doing/selling drugs...Too much temptation...he is only 5 months clean though so that might not have been his issue, I just thought I would share.
Much love to you all!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Hartford CT
Posts: 9
hello eightieschick!
i am also new to the site, and am in a similar situation! i am dating someone that has been in recovery for just about 2 years. i met him right before he hit his 1 year anniversary. i have the same questions as you. my boyfriend is on step 4 and i know that it has been bringing up a lot of bad stuff from his past, but he does not really share much with me and i try not to pry. if he wants to share, he knows that i am here. as far as that goes, i just figure that i have to be there for him:-) i hope that your relationship is going well!
ttys!
i am also new to the site, and am in a similar situation! i am dating someone that has been in recovery for just about 2 years. i met him right before he hit his 1 year anniversary. i have the same questions as you. my boyfriend is on step 4 and i know that it has been bringing up a lot of bad stuff from his past, but he does not really share much with me and i try not to pry. if he wants to share, he knows that i am here. as far as that goes, i just figure that i have to be there for him:-) i hope that your relationship is going well!
ttys!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 98
Hey eights chick!
Hi and welcome I'm also new here myself. Maybe been here a month. Not that I'm any expert but just thought I'd throw some of my input out there...and remember...it is ONLY my input.
I'm so glad to hear your guy is 3 years clean! That's not an easy road for him I'm sure but hell, he's doing it...good for him
But since you're getting involved, just be careful. I'm in a situation where my guy and I have been together a year and we live together. When we met, he was 2 months to being a year clean. Everything was great, he was working a program, going to meetings, living in a recovery house you name it he was doing it. Not long after we moved in together he began missing meetings and long story short (if you ever want details, hit me up, long story) he is now using again. When we first got together he was upfront with me about being an addict and I didn't jump right into the relationship cause I was a little leary that he was an addict but there was no avoiding the fall and here I am. Now I'm in a sitution where I'm with a guy I love more than life yet in a situation that can be dangerous to me. I'm finding it so hard to do the right thing...by far the hardest situation I've ever been in. I'm not telling you all this to freak ya out, but just make sure before you're super involved. Again, like I said, I have no room to talk but just giving ya a heads up. I never thought I'd be in this situation with my guy now, but he is an addict and recovering or not (I"m learning the hard way) relapes can happen at any given point and time...apparently.
But every situation is different and your guy has 3 years clean. That seems to be a lot of time. I'm not good for help right now since I'm here also for help and trying to get myself situated, but always here to listen if ya need someone Take care and best of luck to you!
Hi and welcome
I'm also new here myself. Maybe been here a month. Not that I'm any expert but just thought I'd throw some of my input out there...and remember...it is ONLY my input.I'm so glad to hear your guy is 3 years clean! That's not an easy road for him I'm sure but hell, he's doing it...good for him
But since you're getting involved, just be careful. I'm in a situation where my guy and I have been together a year and we live together. When we met, he was 2 months to being a year clean. Everything was great, he was working a program, going to meetings, living in a recovery house you name it he was doing it. Not long after we moved in together he began missing meetings and long story short (if you ever want details, hit me up, long story) he is now using again. When we first got together he was upfront with me about being an addict and I didn't jump right into the relationship cause I was a little leary that he was an addict but there was no avoiding the fall and here I am. Now I'm in a sitution where I'm with a guy I love more than life yet in a situation that can be dangerous to me. I'm finding it so hard to do the right thing...by far the hardest situation I've ever been in. I'm not telling you all this to freak ya out, but just make sure before you're super involved. Again, like I said, I have no room to talk but just giving ya a heads up. I never thought I'd be in this situation with my guy now, but he is an addict and recovering or not (I"m learning the hard way) relapes can happen at any given point and time...apparently.
But every situation is different and your guy has 3 years clean. That seems to be a lot of time. I'm not good for help right now since I'm here also for help and trying to get myself situated, but always here to listen if ya need someone
Take care and best of luck to you!
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