Graduation day
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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Graduation day
Not having a good day here and trying my best to stay tuned in, to the right thing to do. Today is graduation day for Joey (High School). The program he is in said he was doing so good that they let me pick him up this morning to go in for the last of 3 rehearsals. I can keep him for the day and after the graduation take him back to the house by 10 PM. When I got him home this morning he got on the computer for awhile and then he went to the rehearsal. I checked the computer and he was looking up hallucinogenic drugs. When I went to pick him up he walked by the car twice not even seeing me then when he got in, he was acting all upset that the whole morning has been nothing but a trigger for him and he wants to use. I don't know what to think, I have a call in to Lori, and I am waiting for her to get back to me. So at this point I am not sure if we will be going to graduation. My mother came down from RI to see him, it just has me really upset.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Julie - in the long run this may be a really good thing for him because its showing him that he still has work to do and that when he does come home he will have to change some of his friends. I know its hard on both of you but both of you are learning something with this experience.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
I'm sorry that this happened and it has you upset. Remember the Serenity Prayer, your boundaries and you can take him back early if that is what feels right to you. Like Winnie mentioned he has more work to do and you got to see him - the actual ceremony isn't so important that it should jeopardize both of your recovery efforts.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Hi Julie, Addiction is a real bummer. We do tend to get our hopes up that things will work out the way we see them but that isn't always the case. With my son~~~getting away from all the friends that had anything to do with drugs took a while. Believe in "HOPE" and know there will be a day that your son can realize he does need a good life. If not~~it's not your fault. Enjoy your time with your mom and I'm hoping things work out at that end..Smiles, Bonnie
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Thank you for the support, it was a long roller coast ride of a day. Joey did make it to graduation, but he had a few melt downs during the day. He was crying a few times and not understanding why he has to be an addict. His words were that he loves drugs and don't understand why he can't be like his friends that party on the weekends. I seen a few red flags that I am still not sure what to make of them. As for me today I am drained from it all and I was glad to drop him off last night back at the program. I know I still need them meetings for myself, and I am glad there is one tonight.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
I'm so glad for all of you that he was able to make it through graduation. I do really think that he learned a lot about himself and how hard it is going to be. this may be exactly what he needed to do so that when he gets out he's realistic that its not going to be easy. I'm proud of both of you!
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You are all so encouraging. I had these false dreams of him coming home and graduation would be wonderful day. I guess looking back I can understand why he was moody, it was hard to see everyone knowing they were all going out partying after the ceremony. I know he was offered to use after rehearsal, he said no, but wanted to so bad. He said the only reason he didn't was he knew he would get caught. He was melting down, on and off all day, he cried a few times. For me seeing all his old friends (the better ones, from football) coming in the school driving their cars, yelling and happy made me sad, thinking Joey so should have been with them. It was just a flood of memories of all the times them boys spent at our home and how much I miss them. Today is another day and not only Joey, but I have so much work to do on my recovery. I don't know which is worse being an addict or loving one? There sure are them days I would like to change sides just to find out. (((hugs and thanks)))
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Antioch, Ca.
Posts: 158
Julie,
This brings back so many memories of my son's graduation. Please have faith, your son will find the strength and so will you to overcome this. Ours has not been an easy road, but we are seeing the rewards of all of our efforts.
The good side of this is that Joey is seeing what the real world will hold for him and what necessary changes he will have to make. Although not easy changes nonetheless easier than what he has recently faced.
My son is 19, and was a star football player also. Since graduation he went from 240lbs to 145 lbs. The results of his drug abuse was horrendous to himself as well as to us.
It was a long 1 1/2 years, but i am pleased to tell you that he is over 3 mos clean, started a new job, a career that he loves, and a pleasure to be around again. Through our journey, I could never have done this without the support of the wonderful people on this site.
Your last statement really hits home, as it is what i had to do in order to understand this demon of addiction. I will try to retrieve what i have written.
good luck. and hugs. and keep your faith in your son.
Susan
This brings back so many memories of my son's graduation. Please have faith, your son will find the strength and so will you to overcome this. Ours has not been an easy road, but we are seeing the rewards of all of our efforts.
The good side of this is that Joey is seeing what the real world will hold for him and what necessary changes he will have to make. Although not easy changes nonetheless easier than what he has recently faced.
My son is 19, and was a star football player also. Since graduation he went from 240lbs to 145 lbs. The results of his drug abuse was horrendous to himself as well as to us.
It was a long 1 1/2 years, but i am pleased to tell you that he is over 3 mos clean, started a new job, a career that he loves, and a pleasure to be around again. Through our journey, I could never have done this without the support of the wonderful people on this site.
Your last statement really hits home, as it is what i had to do in order to understand this demon of addiction. I will try to retrieve what i have written.
good luck. and hugs. and keep your faith in your son.
Susan
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Antioch, Ca.
Posts: 158
Julie,
This is from a previous post, but it is from the heart
"It's true CeCe. The warden role is so detrimental to the parents and the child. This last year was full of my policeing, nagging, pushing, etc., it was so exhausting. I refused to do this again.
And to add to this, everyone kept telling me SET THE RULES, DOMINATE THEIR LIFE!
I just couldn't, and so I sought the help of Addicts. I wanted their view of life. It is an indeed dark and cold world, and yes, your son is in it, so was mine. To understand their role in this is heartbreaking, full of depression, anxiety, sexual manipulation, etc......One that you could never fathom existed. How and why would my son tumble down into this. Only someone who has been there can explain.
so, to do what alot have suggested here was not taken. I felt if my son felt this way, i did not need to add to his misery. He was already consumed. I refused to destroy him.
We do not seem to realize what toll this addiction takes on their lives. They feel worthless enough without being reminded of this over and over.
I knew he would try to manipulate, and i was prepared. but it was different this time. I just told him calmly what i had to say and walked away. Like he was a stranger. There were no suggestions, no confrontation.....
We could tell he was clean, and as the days past 2-3-4days, we realized he may be serious about this. Slowly he would join us and have frivolous conversation. We avoided all confrontation.
Then his dad took him on a skiing trip (which he loves and i may add is only a couple hrs drive). We never spoke of his drug use, not once, and at the end of the day, when they were in the hot tub, laughing at the day's falls and flips, their body's aching, did my husband ask him if he was finally "Done". He looked up and told his dad that he was "done". very seriously. then his dad told him it was time to begin his life.
We continued to keep all conversation on a positive note. Never allowing regressing.
Slowly, and i do mean slowly, still now, slowly, we watch him interact in normal society again.
He is completely away from all his old friends, and at times i feel sorry for him, as we are such a social family. And he was always so social. He sometimes speaks about how hard it is to make friends, not being loaded. He said it was so easy when he was loaded. Having been a heavy user for 2 years, he has had alot of alone time recently. but slowly the friends are being made, he actually eats now, (which has been a main concern of our after dropping 80lbs in the last 2 years). He even accepted a position with our company that he has refused for the last 2 years and loving it.
So, Winnie, I cannot guarantee this will work for you. But it is worth trying.
Nothing will be gained from rules. Leave this up to his PO. Assume the role of his guide and show him our peaceful and wonderful world. Be RESPECTFUL to him. It could be the best time of your life. I know we are so enjoying having our son again. I love to see his smile and talk of buying a new motorcycle, putting his check in the bank, the small accomplishments. But he is too. And your son will too.
Good luck Winne, Be positive!
Just sending hugs and smiles because after going thru what we have gone thru, makes us appreciate "
This is from a previous post, but it is from the heart
"It's true CeCe. The warden role is so detrimental to the parents and the child. This last year was full of my policeing, nagging, pushing, etc., it was so exhausting. I refused to do this again.
And to add to this, everyone kept telling me SET THE RULES, DOMINATE THEIR LIFE!
I just couldn't, and so I sought the help of Addicts. I wanted their view of life. It is an indeed dark and cold world, and yes, your son is in it, so was mine. To understand their role in this is heartbreaking, full of depression, anxiety, sexual manipulation, etc......One that you could never fathom existed. How and why would my son tumble down into this. Only someone who has been there can explain.
so, to do what alot have suggested here was not taken. I felt if my son felt this way, i did not need to add to his misery. He was already consumed. I refused to destroy him.
We do not seem to realize what toll this addiction takes on their lives. They feel worthless enough without being reminded of this over and over.
I knew he would try to manipulate, and i was prepared. but it was different this time. I just told him calmly what i had to say and walked away. Like he was a stranger. There were no suggestions, no confrontation.....
We could tell he was clean, and as the days past 2-3-4days, we realized he may be serious about this. Slowly he would join us and have frivolous conversation. We avoided all confrontation.
Then his dad took him on a skiing trip (which he loves and i may add is only a couple hrs drive). We never spoke of his drug use, not once, and at the end of the day, when they were in the hot tub, laughing at the day's falls and flips, their body's aching, did my husband ask him if he was finally "Done". He looked up and told his dad that he was "done". very seriously. then his dad told him it was time to begin his life.
We continued to keep all conversation on a positive note. Never allowing regressing.
Slowly, and i do mean slowly, still now, slowly, we watch him interact in normal society again.
He is completely away from all his old friends, and at times i feel sorry for him, as we are such a social family. And he was always so social. He sometimes speaks about how hard it is to make friends, not being loaded. He said it was so easy when he was loaded. Having been a heavy user for 2 years, he has had alot of alone time recently. but slowly the friends are being made, he actually eats now, (which has been a main concern of our after dropping 80lbs in the last 2 years). He even accepted a position with our company that he has refused for the last 2 years and loving it.
So, Winnie, I cannot guarantee this will work for you. But it is worth trying.
Nothing will be gained from rules. Leave this up to his PO. Assume the role of his guide and show him our peaceful and wonderful world. Be RESPECTFUL to him. It could be the best time of your life. I know we are so enjoying having our son again. I love to see his smile and talk of buying a new motorcycle, putting his check in the bank, the small accomplishments. But he is too. And your son will too.
Good luck Winne, Be positive!
Just sending hugs and smiles because after going thru what we have gone thru, makes us appreciate "
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Antioch, Ca.
Posts: 158
Julie,
Here is the remainder of the post
I agree, that your HP is speaking to you. Just want you to give it a chance, ok.
I just want you to re-read what i have written, and for every confrontation look back on it.
I did this with a Nyte's post. She was so influential to me.
When he comes home, hugs are essential, touch him often. Keep conversations light.
He is dealing with as much or more than you are. Take full advantage of every clean moment you have with him, talking to him, reminding him of good days gone by. Touch him some more, let yourself love him and enjoy him. He may surprise you in how very sensitive he really is.
One of the things that bothered me before, is making other people responsible to help with my son, the state, the police, etc......... It almost drove me crazy because at some point we have to realize that we are their parents and responsible. There is no real answer to why they choose Drugs, other than lacking in self confidence & self loathing. Almost every addict tells me this. What brings them to this is circumstances beyond parent control.
I know what led my son to this, and i have a feeling you may know what led to your son's self loathing.
What transpires in the next several months is crucial. Definetly get him back in school for his GED, then go farther. Find what inspires him and give him every opportunity to acheive.
Yes, maybe my son was finished, but you could not tell this when he walked back in the doors of our home. He was angry and resentful. Blaming everything on every one else.
The same mean, skrawny, and resentful son that left our home.
I really don't think he had any intention of givingup anything, but because he was out of money and options, he came home to manipulate himself back home.
When i did not react to his accusations, just walked away, no reaction, i think he realized that his manipulation tactics would no longer work. And when i realized i had not touched my son in over 2 years, I made myself touch him when i spoke to him. But i spoke to him respectfully, no matter what.
Slowly, he would work his way upstairs and join in the conversation. He began opening up more, but you are right, HE made the decision to stay clean. It was extreemly hard for him, and still is. I see him struggle with it everyday. But i have also gained so much respect for him for doing this on his own. And i suspect with all of your son's interaction and interference of PO's and court appt. officials, he too, can't wait to be free of this. Trust what you have taught your son, it will come thru given a chance.
Through all of this, i have learned no hard core tactics work. Say what you mean, and mean what you say, respectfully. And most of all, learn to love him again.
Here is the remainder of the post
I agree, that your HP is speaking to you. Just want you to give it a chance, ok.
I just want you to re-read what i have written, and for every confrontation look back on it.
I did this with a Nyte's post. She was so influential to me.
When he comes home, hugs are essential, touch him often. Keep conversations light.
He is dealing with as much or more than you are. Take full advantage of every clean moment you have with him, talking to him, reminding him of good days gone by. Touch him some more, let yourself love him and enjoy him. He may surprise you in how very sensitive he really is.
One of the things that bothered me before, is making other people responsible to help with my son, the state, the police, etc......... It almost drove me crazy because at some point we have to realize that we are their parents and responsible. There is no real answer to why they choose Drugs, other than lacking in self confidence & self loathing. Almost every addict tells me this. What brings them to this is circumstances beyond parent control.
I know what led my son to this, and i have a feeling you may know what led to your son's self loathing.
What transpires in the next several months is crucial. Definetly get him back in school for his GED, then go farther. Find what inspires him and give him every opportunity to acheive.
Yes, maybe my son was finished, but you could not tell this when he walked back in the doors of our home. He was angry and resentful. Blaming everything on every one else.
The same mean, skrawny, and resentful son that left our home.
I really don't think he had any intention of givingup anything, but because he was out of money and options, he came home to manipulate himself back home.
When i did not react to his accusations, just walked away, no reaction, i think he realized that his manipulation tactics would no longer work. And when i realized i had not touched my son in over 2 years, I made myself touch him when i spoke to him. But i spoke to him respectfully, no matter what.
Slowly, he would work his way upstairs and join in the conversation. He began opening up more, but you are right, HE made the decision to stay clean. It was extreemly hard for him, and still is. I see him struggle with it everyday. But i have also gained so much respect for him for doing this on his own. And i suspect with all of your son's interaction and interference of PO's and court appt. officials, he too, can't wait to be free of this. Trust what you have taught your son, it will come thru given a chance.
Through all of this, i have learned no hard core tactics work. Say what you mean, and mean what you say, respectfully. And most of all, learn to love him again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
Susan,
Thank you!! That was a wonderful post, I am so happy for your family. I am going to print it out as a reminder. I really wish I could have been more in control of my own feelings yesterday, it may have helped him more. It is so hard not to react and feel crushed when things are go wrong.
I did make a meeting tonight and that also helped. I am so sad to see more and more new people each week.
Thank you!! That was a wonderful post, I am so happy for your family. I am going to print it out as a reminder. I really wish I could have been more in control of my own feelings yesterday, it may have helped him more. It is so hard not to react and feel crushed when things are go wrong.
I did make a meeting tonight and that also helped. I am so sad to see more and more new people each week.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Julie - that post was originally to me (you and i are so much alike as are our sons) - it really spoke to my heart. We try to be tough through all of it when really to us they're just our little boys. Yes - the tough love has a time and place but at some point if that doesnt work we have to let them grow up and learn to fail or suceed on their own. Holding back all of our emotions all the time can tear us apart and affect every other area of our lives. I was speaking with a friend and saying that i just want to be his mom and love him. He told me that once i let go of my son's problems and left them up to him i can be free to just be his mom again. Its about detachment but in a different way because its an unconditional love without enabling them or irrationally protecting them from what they get themselves into. I cant fix his problems, I cant even really help him but I can give him a hug and let him know that someone loves him. That doesnt mean i roll over and enable him - i still have my boundaires but you and i could both be free to just be mom's again one day if we work at it.
Think of it this way - he has his room and you have yours - his can be trashed if that's how he chooses to live and honestly his room is going to be trashed for a while. In the past we would just go to their rooms and clean it up for them even though it was their responsibility. now we dont do that anymore and we have to hold back the emotions that it brings but in reality as long as his mess doesnt start seeping into your room or becomming too toxic for him to live in you can still meet in the hallway and have a good mom/son hug.
I really see everything you have gone through this week as a great learning experience. We dont learn too much from the easy times - its the hard times like this that teach us the lessons we need to get through life.
Think of it this way - he has his room and you have yours - his can be trashed if that's how he chooses to live and honestly his room is going to be trashed for a while. In the past we would just go to their rooms and clean it up for them even though it was their responsibility. now we dont do that anymore and we have to hold back the emotions that it brings but in reality as long as his mess doesnt start seeping into your room or becomming too toxic for him to live in you can still meet in the hallway and have a good mom/son hug.
I really see everything you have gone through this week as a great learning experience. We dont learn too much from the easy times - its the hard times like this that teach us the lessons we need to get through life.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
Awww Winnie I just love you. I know in my gut that this was not the way to go, while I am hopeful and I will remain that way. I don't think Joey is ready for change and my forcing his bottom is only going to delay it in the long run. However this will give me time to work on my own recovery for when he comes home, detaching from our babies is not easy. Julie
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Julie - your not forcing his bottom and i dont think you ever have - but you did let him go enough that he could reach it on his own and that is a good thing. enforcing boundaries are healthy and consequences are educational. You've done a great job and he is obviously getting something out of rehab or he would have just gone and gotten high that day.
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