lovemykids

I knew what was coming, the verbal abuse again because we want her to finish her program. So her dad got on the phone and finally got a taste of what she has been dishing out to me in the past off and on. He was shaking! He never swears at her but when she said to him don't you (swear word) raise your voice to me her dad hit the roof and told her that if she ever swore at him again he was going to go up there and kick her (a$$). He was almost crying and felt like crap after the fact but I told him that he did good and yes it breaks my heart to but now he knows how she has been with me and how it just seems like she played us yet again.

Ad has been in rehab for 4 months now and she will be of legal age (18) in only 2 short months. She told her dad that as soon as she turns 18 she is walking out of there, he asked her where she was going to go because she wasn't coming home, she said that she will get by.

The things kids say though eh? Like she told her dad that she is afraid for her safety there as there are a lot of kids wanting to commit suicide, she will say anything to play on our heart strings but it isn't going to work.

It feels good to be able to come here and get this off my heart. Friends can offer a shoulder (although I still find it hard to really talk about it outside of here) but unless you have had a loved one actually go through this they can't totally know how much it really actually hurts us/me.

Ann

I know how this hurts and it helps sometimes to remind myself how very sick they are, in mind and spirit.

While the words might have been better chosen to reflect your boundary rather than your anger, what you did is no different than what most of us have done, and making it clear to her that you are no longer her only option will do wonders for her to perhaps accept that she is exactly where she should be right now.

So take a deep breath, mama, and know that this is so much better than saying "poor baby, you just come home and we can all live happily ever after" because we both know that "happily ever after" only comes with good recovery and lots of work.

Hugs from one mama's heart to another's.

marle

I have been there with my daughter too. The first time she went to rehab, she signed herself out AMA. She did not come home, she already had an apartment and as soon as she came home, she was using again. Shortly thereafter she did find a sugar daddy to buy all her drugs and she more or less told us to f off, she did not need us. I was so heartbroken, but have since learned that it is the disease talking and not my daughter. With a year clean, Megan still has times where she dumps on me, but the difference today is that if I leave things be for a while, she sorts things out herself and will apologize. There is hope for your daughter, but you may just have to let her fall in order for her to pick herself up and appreciate you and her dad. Hugs, Marle

Seren

I'm so sorry! The nasty words and our natural and immediate response to them are hard!! My fiance has received all sorts of "nastygram" e-mails from his adult son to the point of going no contact with him.

As much as it hurts, maintaining your boundaries will be the way to peace in your life. Detaching is hard, and I'm still struggling with it......

Hugs and prayers to you and your husband as you move forward with your plans! HG

sojourner

you're doing the right thing by coming here and venting...

one thing to pick apart from your daughter - when she shares with you that people there are wanting to commit suicide - perhaps you could become very concerned about that and tell her in no uncertain terms that she needs to give you some names so that you or she could turn them into the counselors because of their lives being in danger.

Her response to that may give you a sense if she is manipulating you or not...and it could also be gradually teaching her that the topic of suicide as a manipulation gets nowhere with you (if that is what is going on here.)

You are an amazing mom - and your ESH inspires me.

winnie12

With that outburst - I would say it reinforces that she's not ready to come home. If she says when she turns 18 she is walking out then just say 'well that's your choice." At her age they dont realize how hard the real world is and at 18 sometimes they need to just go out, try it and fall on their booties before they get it.

IMHO what i see is that she first tried the sympathy tactic with you "mom its so bad here - save me." then she tried the i'm fixed "i dont need anymore help i'm okay - you can trust me." that didnt work so she tries the anger tactic (cussing at you) then the veiled threat (suicide/physical danger). All in all I'd say she's not ready yet - she's may only just now getting ready to take the turn towards recovery and its a last ditch effort to hang onto the old ways. I've been through every one of these stages many times - sometimes i fell for it and sometimes i didnt - in the end my son has proven to me through his actions that he's not seeking recovery. And a side note - if he cusses at me - the conversation is over. I will not allow anyone to speak to me like that - especially not my child.

lovemykids

That is a good point. There was a girl that tried to commit suicide in my ads room about 6 weeks ago now I think, that girl is no longer there but she is ok, she didn't die and has since been placed in foster care after being I believe either hospitalized or in lock-up.

My daughter had said back then how guilty she had felt as this girl had been sniffing laundry detergent or something and my daughter said that she should have told a case worker or someone so that she could have helped her.

I will not be talking to my ad probably for at least a week, I am going to call her case worker and tell him to take us of her calling list for at least that amount of time, he isn't in until tomorrow though. I will mention to her case worker what she had said regarding some of the kids thinking about suicide and get him to talk to her about it.

Thank you.

lovemykids

That is exactly what has happened.

She also told her dad last night that he hasn't been there for her since she went into rehab. He told her not to dare say that as he has had to change shifts at work 3 times for her already to find someone to work for him so that he could go up there (3 to 3 1/2 hour drive each way to where ad is in rehab) and two of those times he had to go after only 3 hours sleep because he just worked the night shift. She even hung up on him last night.

She is not following the rules in there. Her friend is also in there (rehab) for the past two weeks (just started the program) and her friends mother and I (we are also friends)have talked (actually going to start our own naranon meetings, it only takes two) and we wanted our ad's seperated because they are too close and need to interact with the other kids there. Also, they had been going off with eachother whispering and hiding which is a no no.

winnie12

Its always a bad idea for them to be in rehab with someone they know. i'm actually surprised that the rehab agreed to it. in my son's case they do everything they can to seperate them and put them in different facilities.

lovemykids

I just don't understand that how in 4 months she is still thinking the way she is. The drugs are out of her system but her thinking seems to still be the same. She says that she will never touch drugs again but her behaviour tells me differently.


Thanks so much, my dh really feels badly about his choice of words, he said that he is definately going to work on the anger he feels along with any outbursts when she talks to him the way she did last night. Me too although I havn't sworn at her that I can recall (we very seldom say bad words) I do get so frustrated and I also need to be able to remind myself that she is an addict and they seem to try to get a really bad reaction from us as well. I just don't get that part, why do they want us to be just as angry as them. Maybe because they are so angry they want everyone to be angry.

Done_With_It

Not sure what drugs she was doing, my doc was meth and it took years literally for my brain to heal. That is part of the frustration for us as well, we stop doing the drugs and we 'want to be healed and better' just as fast and quick as everyone wants us to be, but the amount of damage we have done to ourselves goes pretty deep for most of us.

Not giving her any excuses just a look from the other side, it's a long and slow process the recovery part, it may take a long time for to get through all this.

winnie12

For me i always felt like when my son pushed my buttons and got me down to his level it helped him to justify his own behavior. I also think they are just angry and it comes out on us because we are easy targets and will love them regardless of what they say.

the first time my son got in a program i thought "this is it - he's going to get help and then we'll go on with our lives and everything will be great." well it just doesnt work like that when it comes to addiction - your daughter is still thinking with an addict brain - getting the drugs out of their system is the easy part - changing their thinking is where the real work comes in. I would suggest letting her know that when she treats you with disrespect that she is not showing you that she has really made those changes. I find my son speaks a lot more respectful to me now that he knows it hurts him more when he acts like this.

My son still tries the manipulation - here's how i handle some of it:

AS: its terrible here mom - they dont take care of me."
ME: well then you need to make sure you never get yourself back in a place like that.

AS: i dont need anymore recovery
ME: well then you'll have to convince the professionals and then you can prove it when you get out.

AS: i could get out if you would do something
ME: you got yourself in - you can get yourself out.

AS: Your a BI _ _ _
ME: Goodbye - i'll consider speaking to you again once you apologize.

lovemykids

She was doing pills, ecstacy and speed, she said the speed had crystal meth in it. She also told me that if she had known that there was crystal meth in the pills she never would have taken them but I came back with "you shouldn't have taken any pills to begin with" never mind the other stuff she put in her body.

I am learning and growing here, thank you so much for letting me know what it is like from the other side.

lovemykids

Winnie, thanks so much, it all makes sense and I am going to borrow your choice of words.

lagrutke

I think some of this is age related also. You cannot demand respect. It needs to be modeled.

outtolunch

My daughter did the same thing when, in rehab. I stopped taking her calls.

I am still not sure if it's an inability, or a lack of motivation, to mature.

Addiction feeds off imaturity and vice-versa.

Just do your best to keep your head on straight. No need for your husband to justify his priorities.