cessy68

Please help me sort through my anger. I need to be heard, from people who know and understand what I'm going through.

I love a man, who I THOUGHT was a certain 'way'. But due to the back injury and the subsequent pills...... has become another.

I KNOW I can't control what he does, and frankly I gave up on that.
HOWEVER, I muddle through each day -- hopeing that it will be a good one. I pray that each day, he will be o.k. -- that we will carry on the way we had planned.

Yet, as compasionate as I am, and how detached I've become, I harbor anger and resentment. This filters through to other areas of my life. I feel a burden upon me, and I'm tired because of my hidden frustration.

I see a man before me, that I love dearly.... that provides for my home and my kids........ and then there is a dark cloud. The impending doom... the unknown of moods, all because of his dang choices about pills.

I really need to give a 'for instance' to get this out, please forgive my vent....
for instance-- ( today a 'normal' sunday, he mows the lawn, and weedwacks the yard , and does a few more menial tasks, along with his road trip to buy us all coffee and donughts for breakfast. Nice eah? Uup, until the tired guy shows up, and lays around on the dang couch for hours. Complains that no one does anything around the house except him and I, (which is true, but doesn't everyone have this battle with their teens??), anyhoo, after I become increasingly resentful, getting him his dinner, accompanied by "cess, can you get me some water, my baaaaaack hurts......." bla bla bla, I hear him talking on the phone. Guess what guys? Mr. I hurt my back so bad, is taking the day off and going to a frieken GOLF TOURNAMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:wtf2


I mean really......

I'm so angry.

I'm bitter.

Can he take a day off to hang with me????? Nope, never. HES TOOOOO busy, and tooooo important at what he does for a living.

He is frieken selfish, and bottom line, is he does what he wants, when he wants, and yet the whole world is supposed to support this, because he 'works so hard'.

I really can't understand him, or his whining about his back, but can go travel two states over, to go to a golf tournament.

I just went downstairs with my laptop to talk to someone, anyone, (you guys) who can help me.

He thinks I'm doing homework.

Ya know, I cook, clean, work, go to school.... etc. I don't take time off to go to golf tournaments and then expect HIM, to cater too me, while I pop pills and justify it because I have a BAD BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know what to do.

I know I'm rambeling...... any feed back at all?
Love,
Cess

ItsmeAlice

Cess,

You're angry!
You're agitated!
You're outraged!
You're infuriated!
You're tired!
You're overworked!
You're under appreciated!
You're under stimulated!
You're running on empty!


You're not alone!!!!

Can you hear me, sweetheart????

You're not alone!!!

I don't have anything productive to tell you to help resolve your feelings. I can only say that I understand where you're coming from. The crazy rage will pass. It passed for me. It will pass for you.

I knew things were improving for me when my ABF pulled similar dramatics around the house, and I smiled because I saw it for what it was addict dramatics.

Hugs,

Alice

Piglet123

I feel for you.

I know it's next to impossible to work on "relationship" stuff with someone who's still actively addicted, but have you actually ASKED him to put you first like this?

bluejay6

You sound pretty unhappy, Cess. You say that you try to be "compassionate" and "detached".

Do you mean you feel sorry for him that he's a drug addict?

And do you mean that you are waiting for him to change?

He is so far from changing, Cess. Is he clean? Is he active in recovery? Is he working on his spiritual issues? Is he rebuilding his family relationships? Is he being accountable for all the ways he has let you down?

If the answer to all of the above is no, then Cess.....

is your anger really HIS fault?

His addiction is so comfortable there, with you doing all the work and you feeling all the feelings....I can't think why it would ever think of leaving.

Cess, got a plan?

Freedom1990

Talk about a statement right on target!

The nature of the active addict is self-centeredness to the extreme.

I was angry and resentful for a long time after I left the EXAH.

Instead of working on self and developing healthy thinking and patterns in my life, I continued to pick relationships that perpetuated that anger and resentment.

I completely understand how that filters into other areas of your life, Cessy, because it was the same for me too.

I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I finally got tired of engaging in relationships that were never going to be healthy for me.

It was draining, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

cessy68

Yep, and yep and yep. Finally I gave up on asking to have my needs met. It was about that time that I gave up my detective role, my savior role, my doctor role, and became me again. (for the most part). That was when the sadness gave way to ambivalance, and concequent anger set in. Thats why I'm where I'm at now............

cessy68

No plan bluejay, again.... probably accounts for some of my anger as well.
and yes, NO is the answer to all of your questions. According to him 'this comming weekend' he is taking a few days off from work, and is going to 'get off' the pills.

He dosen't see that he can't do this by himself, UNFORTUNATELY, he dosen't have good role models. His father drank a liter of Vo for his entire life, EVERYDAY, and one day quit cold turkey.

Again, his brother, was addicted to crack, (omg), and managed to quit that by himself cold turkey..... (and it's true).

Now wonder boy over here thinks that he can muddle through this alone. If he's so right, why hasn't it worked so far?????
BUT, I don't ask him these questions, I don't talk to him about it. Because the 'come to Jesus talks' don't work. NOTHING works, so I just sit back and ride the ride, and therefore, Im ANGRY.

Don't get me wrong, there are good things about this man, that is why I stay. But I can't keep placateing MYSELF, on a daily basis, without feeling this overwhelming anger and resentment.

cessy68

Ya know freedom, why isn't it draining for HIM? I think I know the answer. He's not too drained for work, (he just sleeps in later and dosen't have to be accountable for the tardiness, because he is the BOSS)

He sees his kids on nights that it is convienent for HIM!

He golfs and plays with friends, until he is tired, then I get the drained tired guy.

I know that I'm the one who's choice has been to stay, so therefore I'm mad at MYSELF, but there is anger that is directed at HIM!

He can be very charming, and for some reason, just when I get the courage to say, "my needs aren't being met" and bolt, (regardless of how much I'd suffer financially etc) without him here, he does something that causes me to second guess myself.

I end up feeling like I'm nuts.
Urgh.
(sigh)

Teggie

(((Cessy)))


Someone once told me on this board.

"When is having half a husband not gonna be good enough for you?"

You'll know when you reach that point that you can't do it anymore. There will be no doubts.

I spent the last 6 weeks knowing it was gonna come down to him having to leave. I planned during that time on how to take care of things. Now that it is done I am seeing that I don't need him as much as he would have liked me to think he did.

I don't have to set a pillbox out every morning, don't have to worry if he's finding them and taking too much, that he'll burn the house down smoking, have his druggy friends over. on & on.

I miss him & still love him. But what I miss & love is the man he used to be. Not the addict in his place.

Now I have let go so that he can suffer the natural consequences of his actions. I have to keep living and take care of these kids.

It is not my intention to sway your thoughts, I only wanted to share my experience.

Take care of you & the kids,

Teggie

lightseeker

sending you compassionate thoughts. Intermittant reinforcement is the worst type to have to deal with because it does make you second guess yourself. My serenity has become the most important thing to me at this point...more than any love for my husband or any financial issues. Living with chaos, disregard, and 1/2 a man is not what God has in mind for me (or I have in mind for me either). I'm not sure how it's all going to pan out but as long as I stay in today, seek HP's plan to be revealed to me, and do the next right thing then I'm going to have my path revealed.

Trying to have a relationship with someone in active addiction is like trying to pick grapes to eat from a thorn bush. Yeah - you can get the grapes sometimes but you're going to get pretty scratched up in the process.

Teggie

Quote:

"Trying to have a relationship with someone in active addiction is like trying to pick grapes to eat from a thorn bush. Yeah - you can get the grapes sometimes but you're going to get pretty scratched up in the process."


Priceless!

Teggie

TrickyPJ

I agree with Teggie. That quote is priceless. lightseeker.

(((Cessy)))

I am sorry sweetie that you are going through this. I can relate. I, too, had found that I was second guessing myself when it came to do i leave, etc. I stopped. Do you know how i stopped second guessing myself? By talking to my friends and family-people "outside" the situation who are "normal". He had me questioning my own sanity. THere is nothing wrong with our sanity..it is their addiction and their need to manipulate to keep us in IT.

You state you are angry that you do not have a plan. You can take baby steps and formulate a plan. One step at a time. That is how I could stay because I knew my plan was to get out. If you choose to you can get out. Financially speaking, for me, he ruined me financially. I am better off without him. Also, you are married to him, he has a financial obligation to and your children, it's call Aliimony or spousal support, whatever the PC term is these days and child support. I'm not saying it is easy making the plan and arriving at your emotional acceptance of it, BUT it can be done if you want to consider it.

Sending you hugs and support.

Chino

I'll never forget the day my therapist told me I was more angry at myself than others, because I had choices I could make and wasn't. That was a huge turning point for me.

"What angers you controls you" is one of my favorite quotes, and I say it every time I feel anger welling up inside me. I ask myself what can I do about my anger and what can I do in the future to avoid the situations that may cause it.

MrsMagoo

That is very good too! Thanks.

Live

Cessy,

I really feel for you.

My XH also had a bad back. It was no joke, it was a very serious, debilitating condition.
And he was put on strong drugs for the pain.

I struggled back and forth between compassion, anger and then anger at myself for my lack of compassion.

I wanted a husband and a companion....not someone who slept all day.
And yeah, i noticed that he could stand up when talking with his friends, but with me...you would think he couldn't move.
I got resentful.
There were things he could have done to improve his condition....if he would have gone swimming regularly and we lived near wåter and he can swim like a porpoise...if he would have used the tens unit regularly, if he would have lost weight.....
his condition would have improved, he would have been able to function alot more, with alot less pain and less need of the drugs.
While he was robbing himself of life, I was being denied much also.

It was sad and painful.

He recently divorced me.
It broke my heart, but at the same time, I would not want to return to the way things were.

(((((((hugs))))))))

Abundance

Cessy - I'm re-visiting "Codependent No More" .... and she talks about this.

My guy is totally wrapped up in work - in himself - and while he isn't doing the oxy pills - he is and has gone totally OCD into his work. And when he actually does something with the family it's just for a fleeting moment here and there. Usually when there is a meal prepared. And then he is off again. (He free-lances from home). And the majority of our conversations are either about his work things or how badly behaved the boys are.

The boys are out of school now for the summer - and so they are just adjusting and really don't know what to do with themselves..... and they are also really excited! My oldest is on to middle school now. Anywho- I react to him by letting him know that he doesn't know how the kids are being because he isn't around them.... or engaging with them. His response is that he hears them... coming in and out of the house... and music playing and tv going. And I make them keep the tv at a low volume.... I am always riding them. I don't know- it just makes me question what I'm doing. And yet - friends/family come over and give me accolades - but with my guy I just feel put down.

Well - my 2 year old nephew went missing for like 5 minutes yesterday - and his parents came to pick him up and we couldn't find him. I know it sounds bad - but he is a little escape artist. No, we don't have a pool. But anyway - with about 4 kids and 3 adults..... SANS my guy - we eventually found him in the garage in my van. My bro and sisinlaw were not impressed that my guy didn't look (he says he did) - or even join in and then come and find out where and what happened. He claims he heard that he was found and just thought everyone panicked for no good reason. SO- AGAIN - he just makes me doubt myself for being upset with him for not "being there". HOWEVER - because my bro and his wife also raised an eyebrow- it made me feel less "crazy" for seeing him so emotionally checked out.

Cess - I understand where you are at. And I'm reading that codependent no more book - and it's helping me. The chapter on ANGER.

Every time your guy takes a pill - he forgets what was "wrong" and carries on as if he has a new slate. And you are left with not only being annoyed about him taking pills- but the result of him just getting to check out and then that means you are back on this merry go round. And then you feel crazy because you aren't past it.... you aren't over it.

I don't blame you for being upset about his not spending time with you or the family and making the choice to go golfing just after complaining of a bad back - and then HIM believing that his going out of town to play golf will be a good time to get off the pills.
I mean how can you even look at the guy and give any ounce of respect? At least- that would be me. But that is the sickness. And so what helps me get back into my own recovery - is to get angry - and then I think to myself - why would I even want to spend time with him anyway??????

Here is something out of the book that spoke to me - maybe it will you too.....

Even if we aren't shouting, even if we're trying to pretend we're not angry, we're mad. We give looks and make little gestures that give us away. Hostility lurks just below the surface, waiting for a chance to come out in the open. The anger sometimes explodes like a bomb, but nobody ever gets done with it. The alcoholic says, "How dare you become angry with me? I'm the king. I'll get angry wit you, but not the other way around." The codependent says, After all I've done for you, I'll get angry anytime I please." But silently, the codependent wonders: Maybe he or she is right.... How dare we get angry with the alcoholic? There must be something wrong with us for feeling this way. We deal another blow to our self-worth with a little guilt tacked on. Plus, the anger is still there. The problems don't get resolved; the anger doesn't blow over. It festers and boils.


Because of all this anger/resentment that I was so afraid of having (but it is part of it.... and I've come to accept it and now I'm working on it) - resulting in totally questioning myself - with almost everything in my life!

It's time to un-learn that - and put my codie armor on and get busy!

Sorry- this was a bit of a hi-jack .... but I want you to know that I understand.

Cess- it's okay to feel anger -

From CNM..... "You cannot live with active alcoholism without being profoundly affected. Any human being who is bombarded with what you've been bombarded with is to be commended for sheer survival. You deserve a medal for the mere fact that you're around to tell the story."

Another thing- I have said to my guy..... "Don't you care... aren't you concerned about how we are feeling?" The thing is Cess- esp. in active addiction - they don't care - they don't see - they don't feel."

Suspicious

I feel your frustrations Cessy.

I feel like this A LOT of the time! I am only 4 chapter into CNM and I see me in there far too much. Hurts to admit it to myself but I know it is true that I am only as frustrated with other people and depressed about the situation as I am now because I LET IT. I still maintain that I have to hold on just little bit longer till I have the means to support us but I am ready to admit now that I let it get to this point. My problem through out it all was that I never would speak up about things if I thought it would rock the boat with us. Then it just grew & grew from there. Funny thing is that he is the same way. Maybe we are both codies. Too bad I didnt hear about CNM a few years ago...

whereami

I feel that you are scared to be without him in a way because you know the comfort of routine, even if he isn't participating he is there on the chair with the family. I had a struggle with the warm body addiction and am getting over it. The one memory I keep is how nice things are when he isn't around and how drama free life is without the concern of jeopardizing your mental health. Take time to bring the kids to a friends to play and have a glass of tea with a girlfriend and relax if you can. The stress can eat you alive if you let it consume you. I have read your posts and know you are strong and very capable of doing whatever you put your mind to. Don't worry..."even when our hands are tied, God's are not" He is busy working on a plan for you...just have faith to know there is a better future...

cessy68

[QUOTE=Abundance;2254135]
I mean how can you even look at the guy and give any ounce of respect? At least- that would be me. But that is the sickness. And so what helps me get back into my own recovery - is to get angry - and then I think to myself - why would I even want to spend time with him anyway??????

Another thing- I have said to my guy..... "Don't you care... aren't you concerned about how we are feeling?" The thing is Cess- esp. in active addiction - they don't they don't feel."[/ care - they don't see -QUOTE]

Aha....I know.

I can't look at him with respect anymore. He must have called 4x's during golf yesterday, and pressed and pressed when he got home, about 'what was wrong' with me.

He KNEW what was wrong.

I wouldn't answer him.

FINALLY--- I said, "ya, you can take off time from work to be with the guys and have fun BAD BACK AND ALL!"

ALL THAT DID-- was give him ammo to say, "gee, I thought you'd be happy that I had a good day, that I relaxed, you USED to care about my well-being, and my happiness --- I guess you just don't care about my happiness anymore like you used to."

FRIGGGGG!

ALL ABOUT HIM!!

That is why explaining, etc. is useless, they never- never- never, understand or see our frustration.

Thanks for understanding.

cessy68

I LIKE THAT>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>