catlady61

Hi I am new to this site, and so glad I found all of you.

P.T. has always been a drinker and I have always been a jealous woman where he is concerned. His job involves being around younger females and alcohol. He was working late all the time and then rewarding himself by going out to the bars and coming home at all hours, of course I accused him of being with someone else, I yelled I screamed, I cried, ultimately I blamed myself for not being good enough, being to fat, being to dumb, being every reason why he did not want to come home, but I wanted some of the time he had had for me before.

When I tried to talk to him it always turned into a very hurtful situation, he would say he was stressed from work or tired etc... well this made me angry because if he had all that time to sit in bars all night then no wonder he was so tired all the time.... in my mind that only meant too tired for me = does not love or want me.

Up until 2 years ago I would lay awake at night waiting for him to come home in hopes that he would be ok and reach to hold me and most of the time he did but then that made me turn angry too.... I wondered if he even knew it was me there...hurt by that feeling I moved out of our bedroom.

I have missed him so much but we fell into a routine of not talking to each other and not one intimate touch in 2 years. Hurt, angry, confused, alone. I blame myself.

Last year he got a DUI and has basically been forced to face himself, so he has changed alot and doing all that he needs to do for himself. Now he admits that he met someone a few months ago....... "a friend" Wow I said, so you get better, and I get hurt some more. He assures me it has not "gone that far" I asked if we can take this day by day afterall we have 14 years invested here. He says he loves me and I say I love him and the past few days we have talked alot.
I am afraid and lonely and still blaming myself for my part in his drinking & I am doing all that I can to not be that same person as before, I have no desire to yell & scream or even throw accusations at him because he "met someone" I understand how it all happens.

Well I have gone on & on and still there is so much I could say ....

Still Waters

catlady, have you tried individual therapy? Counseling helped me immensely, for ME, not for him.

catlady61

Still Waters, I have not had any therapy and I know I should probably do something for myself, because I could still end up alone ...after P.T. gets all the help he needs and if he continues to see his "new friend" he will leave. I totally understand that I should be taking care of myself instead of wanting to be here for him and trying to hold on to 14 years. I have just felt sad really sad & lonely for a very very long time.

prodigal

I'm glad you are here. Please feel free to vent as often as needed. We want to support you. There are a number of stickies at the top of our forum that discuss the issues of alcoholism and codependency. Please take the time to read them.

Okay, for starters, I suggest you stop blaming yourself for YOUR part in HIS drinking. The three C's of Al-Anon: you did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.

I understand that you want to save what the two of you have had together all these years. But right now, I'd bet you have a whole lot of suppressed anger. You have to get it out somewhere, and starting with Al-Anon and seriously considering counseling would be a road on the path to alleviating a lot of your hurt and pain.

His sitting in bars all those nights while you were home alone had to hurt very deeply. I understand. My exAH would leave me to go hang with "the boys" at his favorite bar, or they would all get together to play golf all day and spend half the night at the 19th hole. At one point in my marriage, I actually did not see my ex for 36 hours. Where he was, who he was with, or what he was doing ... I never knew.

Is your partner working a program, such as A.A.? Has he gone cold turkey as far as drinking goes? Whatever he has chosen to do, please get help for yourself. Living with the no-talk/no-intimacy rule is like having a roommate and nothing more. (I've lived through THAT as well.)

Find the people and tools you need to ease some of your pain. Believe me, as cold as this may sound, you never figured into the equation of his addiction. The disease of alcoholism is an equal-opportunity destroyer and takes down everyone in its path. You need help sorting through your own feelings after living so long with an addict. Let him figure out his own feelings, issues, and motivations. Just take care of what is on your side of the street.

ItsmeAlice

Cat,
Oh my dear, I can't tell you how your post hit home for me. I joined here in January of this year, and I was where you are for soooo long. Struggling for some kind of love from him and feeling all of this was because I was overweight, unatractive, etc. etc. the list goes on and on.

When I finally got so low that I had nothing left but buttom with my health and my happiness I reached out to my general practitioner for help with my health and a I reached out to friends for encouragement to quit smoking and start living healthier then finally I reach out here.

It has made a world of difference. I still struggle. I'm still with my alcoholic boyfriend, but I know now that it is not forever. I'm working through a lot but I've covered a lot of ground.

You can join me. Keep reaching out. Here, there, and everywhere. Keep trying until you find what works whether it's therapy, Al-Anon, online, at church, community outreach, supportive friends and family.

We here listening. You're welcome here, and you're not alone.

Alice

catlady61

Oh my God, Thank you so much Prodigal & Alice, I have been torturing myself for the longest time. I have let all of this get the best of me, like you Alice, my health has declined so much and the depression and loneliness even had me drinking to try to numb myself ...it does not work. All the nights I spent alone were very painful. And when I moved out of the bedroom I guess like an idiot I thought he would miss me. How could he miss me he was too into and full of himself. Oh and yes he is getting help after he got a DUI last year he was court ordered to do so. So, now that he is working on himself I guess instead of his "reward" for a long hard day at work being a drink, now instead of trying to include me in his life he involved someone else, you know what really bugs me about that ? Is that the new friend is 30 years old. My son who passed away as a result of drinking & driving would be 30 this year..... I cannot and will not try to compete uggghhhhh !!!

joedris

Cat, what he did or does is not your fault!, ok? Repeat after me It's not my fault!. He and he alone is responsible for his actions. You are only responsible for your own. He's using lame excuses for his actions - "rewading himself", "stress from work", etc. Say it once again. It's not my fault!. His behavior is reprensible! You may suggest counseling, and there may be an outside chance that'd he'd be amenable to it. But I wouldn't count on it. I think it's time for you to recognize that, as painful as it may seem, that this relationship may be over. You need to stop blaming yourself as you did nothing to cause what's happening. He is not going to change. You can, and you should. Your sanity, self esteem and very survival depend on it.

FunnyOne

Welcome Catlady,

You could turn the tables and blame HIM for not giving you love and attention and the motivation to be slim and active. But as you know, blame doesn't fix anything...certainly not when it's self directed. Normally, I don't look to pharmaceuticals to fix things, but when I was sooooo low, I did (and recently restarted) go to a dr and get antidepressants. I'm on wellbutrin, the added benefit is that it is an appetite killer. Whooo hooo, a two-for!

I know exactly what you mean when you say he is getting better and now the new person or people get to see the better him. Truth is, it takes a long time to recover mentally and spiritually, so she might just have a sober him, not necessarily a better him. When he gets spiritual, or should I say IF, you will hear from him how much you mean to him, but by that time, you might be skipping off with your own special other!

catlady61

I appreciate that advice joedris, I am trying to survive .... I know that sounds so ridiculous but it seems that some days I can focus on nothing but this whole ordeal. I have felt so lonely for so long. Can be with a room full of people and still feel this way. I know I will be ok, I have to be. I have 2 sons that need & love me, so losing the love of a man is not going to be the end of the world.

I am really happy I found this site!

prodigal

Not necessarily .... his meeting attendance is court-mandated. I've been through this. My AH had to go to a certain number of AA meetings after he was pulled over for operating a watercraft under the influence. He went, but he wasn't "getting" it. He was doing what needed to be done to get everybody out of his face and off his back. And he went back to drinking after the court-mandated meetings were over.

I hope this doesn't turn out to be the case for you; only time will tell. He and his "friend" may not be having a physical affair, but even an emotional affair is demeaning to you and the relationship you had.

It sounds like this man is self-serving, although I could be wrong. You alone know if he's being sincere in wanting to save the relationship or not.

FSquared

I know what it is like to go to bed hoping the addict will just connect emotionally in the smallest way...and the anger when that hope goes unfulfilled. I suppose that's false expectations...and for me it just leads to greater resentment. Its a vicious cycle and I just want to get off of it.

catlady61

I guess its all a wait & see game....... I am just tired & worn down and I am blaming myself for the part I know I had in all this .... I was mean and angry and hurtful I said so many mean nasty things, I accused him of so much because I felt neglected. Now that he turned the tables & said he was so hurt by all that I said & did I feel bad. I know its another excuse but some of it has to be true ...........

Freedom1990

I sincerely hope you look into some counseling for yourself. I'd also recommend the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood is another good one.

You didn't cause his alcholism, you can't control it, nor can you cure it.

I know all too well what it's like to carry the burden of blaming self, and thinking it was all my fault. I was always thinking if I had been more loving, more kind, more patient, etc etc etc.

You are a child of God just like me and I know God doesn't want you beating yourself up.

I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among people who care. :ghug :ghug

FunnyOne

You said "Now that he turned the tables & said he was so hurt by all that I said & did I feel bad. I know its another excuse but some of it has to be true ...."

Yup, after being neglected, used, lied to, and hurt....we get a little bitchy don't we? I had other choices, but I stupidly chose anger to deal with the neglect and pain. Did what I thought was right at the time. But I often wonder, if I would have chosen silence, absence, etc would he not have blamed his hurt on that???

They will find SOMETHING to blame their problem on, God forbid they take accountability for it. That would mean thinking about how YOU feel....and if they did that, they wouldn't have been emotionally unavailable in the first place!

MeHandle

Hi catlady61,

I hope the common link we share here has helped you like it has helped me. You are not without someone to talk too or share with.

What is P.T.? ( probably should be obvious but i can be slow:-)

You said:" I am afraid and lonely"
I understand,especially the way you explain your situation. For me , I would say i was more alone in a marriage then lonely.

You said:" I am doing all that I can to not be that same person as before "
This is good. You are saying you aren't perfect and haven't handled everything perfectly. I understand this too. It is hard for us to be at our best when married to an AH, but yes, we still chose bad behavior and reaction sometimes. Our behavior is our choice. I am sure everyone on this list has been guilty of it at least once.:-)

But you also said this: "and still blaming myself for my part in his drinking "
YOur part in his drinking? So how did you make him drink? Which part of his drinking are you blaming yourself for? If your are to blame for him having a drink then he must be responsible for you screaming and yelling, right? Come on now, if he is staying out late at bars and drinking he must take his part of the blame for having to yell and scream!

catlady61, take heart, there is no "my part" in "his drinking."
Let us just say for example sake and a worst case wife sceniro you actually drove him to a drink, did you make he take the drink?

Now as a worst case sceniro kind of husband he actually drove you to a scream and a yell. Did he make you vocal cords sing? ....... we understand here.:ghug3

And what Funnyone wrote, that was very good! :-) Witty, funny and insightful as those of us who have lived it know.See you will come out the other end of this with your good humor in tack too. And until then.... there are people out here to love you.

FunnyOne

This reminds me, he used to get angry at me for being angry....I used to say, "Putting the focus on MY reaction doesn't take it off your ACTION...but nice try bud"

MeHandle

catlady61,
Ahhhhh. Good example of part of the problem that is way beyond the alcohol consumption itsef. Mine would show his misery of mood because i was joyful. It bothered him when i could remain joyful in the stressful issues of life the "trigger" him to drink.

And then if i am angry that makes me the 'bad guy,' as if I am not allowed to have that emotion.

i have pointed out to him I appear to be his greatest trigger, so why does he insist on believing i am the best thing that ever happened to him and refuse to leave.

You see, whether you are the greatest person in his life one hour or the one he wants to blame for his drinking or happen to be the person available to point out that your imperfections are as bad as his because he believes that might make him feel better, well, it is standard alcoholic behavior. The don't need a reason to drink, every option they spin into a reason makes for a reason. And really, it has nothing to do with reason and therefore nothing to do with blaming someone else.

ItsmeAlice

"Putting the focus on MY reaction doesn't take it off your ACTION...but nice try bud"

Fantastic way to phrase it FunnyOne!

catlady61

LOL Sorry, P.T. is him (the alcoholic/ social drinker) I used intials instead of a name for ...lol I am getting so many wonderful insights here in such a short time. In 14 years do you realize how many times he has said that I did not treat him like a person? OMG How could I treat him like anything other than a drunk who was being defensive because I was angry & upset ??? I tried silence, I tried yelling, and yeah I knew I was helpless in the situation. But love makes us do really really dumb things.

Its making me do dumb things now....... 4 days ago was when he decided to be honest (after being caught is a lie) He said he was leaving to go to a "meeting" but something told me thats a lie. So I said STOP lying, where are you really going? I said why dont you just say you are going to see some female..... and just like that he said he was going to see her, someone he met a few months ago. I could not believe he went ahead & left the house after he said that, we talked for an hour and he said he was not deep into that new relationship......so my question was "what about me" did you think that maybe this would only add to the fact that we have isolated ourselves from each other for the past 2 years because of the drinking? Jeeeeeeezzzzzz what did he really think? Talk about hurting myself, everytime I try to get honesty I am opening another wound.

God, why am I trying so hard? why am I asking him to keep the lines open that had been closed for 2 years, why do I feel the need to be close to him? why does it bother me that she is 18 years younger that me??? why did I even ask about her? I know him so well and there is NO WAY he told her any truth about him or his past ...all she must know is the happy go lucky hard working guy who was showing up at the bar with not a care in the world. uggghhhhhhh

prodigal

He has repeatedly lied to you. You have repeatedly blown up at him and lost your composure. Both of you are human. But neither of you are acting, you are REacting.

Having arguments is not an excuse to get drunk. Having disagreements, no matter how heated, is not an excuse to shut down and call off all communication.

There are two angry people living in your house who are not dealing with THEIR part of the situation. You are beating yourself up. This will accomplish very little, other than make you feel guilty.

In relationships with addicts, communication is ambiguous, confusing, or nonexistent. People DO things, but nobody has a clue what motivates the other person. So everybody lives inside their own heads, trying to figure the other one out.

It does not work. It just becomes one big emotional trainwreck.

Trying to speak to an active addict or an addict who is not seriously working a program for awhile is counterproductive. I've found that it ends in frustration, finger-pointing, and no sense of closure.

The only closure you are going to get is for yourself. For now, to heck with him. All these talks are not going to get him to stop seeing another woman, whether he says he loves you or not.

You deserve a life. You've invested 14 years in this relationship. It may work out, it may not. But you still have a life and a future, whether it's with him or without him.

Please consider just leaving him out of the picture for now. You owe yourself the gift on working on you. You are trying hard because you don't want to lose the death of a dream. Please keep this in mind: you believe he is lying to this other woman. Do you want a man in your life who shows such a lack of integrity?

Get a copy of Melodie Beattie's Codependent No More. Read it carefully. Highlight those places where you see yourself. And please keep in mind that even if you walk away from him, there is always the possibility he will remain in touch. Addicts have a funny way of dumping us and moving on. Yet when we dump them and move on, they suddenly get this intense interest in our lives by texting, emailing, voice mailing, etc.

Regardless of what he chooses to do, it's time for you to start working on you. Then you can decide if this is what you want out of life. I think you will be surprised to see that there are many better things awaiting you in the future. But you have to start getting the focus solely on YOU.