Why do I feel guilt?

Old 06-07-2009, 07:42 AM
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Why do I feel guilt?

I kicked him out 4 days ago due to his escalated drug use. He has since moved into the crappy garage apt next door that is falling down

He has no electricity, no AC, no type of kitchen utensils & prob is sleeping on a sleeping bag and pillow. He has no regular job (bad back & neck) and evidently his small fixit jobs aren't paying for much.

He has started drinking too, son saw a bottle of rum there. He left his AA books, I guess he plans on no meetings & left the rehab papers he was supposed to fill out.

He's prob not eating or is eating very little. He hasn't bothered us the last few days & I have had no contact with him. He's going to escalate on his downhill descent, I know this.

The kids & I are fine, we have a house, electricity & food. What we don't have is the insanity, drugs and alcohol.

I am feeling sorry for him, although I know I made the best decision I could. And I can't have him back in the house untill he gets better & right now I doubt he will.

I guess I need some support because it hurts seeing this unfold.

Teggie
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Old 06-07-2009, 08:30 AM
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Yes, it does hurt seeing someone destroy themselves.

His current living conditions are a direct result of his addiction.

You, on the other hand, have a house, electricity, and food. Those are a direct result of you choosing to live a productive life and be responsible for you and your kids.

I have spinal stenosis and degenerative disc disease. I can no longer work the variety of jobs I have had in the past-all physically demanding jobs that had me on my feet most of the time.

I'm going to be starting my third semester of college this fall. I am seeking training for a career that won't have me on my feet all day, and if I find I still can't handle the physical demands of a work environment, I've chosen a field where work is often 'farmed out' to independent contractors at home (medical billing/coding).

There are options for people with medical conditions that limit their physical capacity to work in certain environments. He's not even willing to fill out the paperwork for rehab, let alone do something about being unemployed.

You keep doing what you need to do for you and the kids! He may eventually seek recovery, and he may not.

He certainly won't while someone is cushioning the fall for him, which you aren't doing anymore.

:ghug :ghug
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Old 06-07-2009, 09:56 AM
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I know it has to be really hard watching him self destruct this way. But always remember that for the person he is right now the alternative if he was still in the house where you could take care of him then you AND THE KIDS would have front row seats watching him self destruct and it would take you guys with him.
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Old 06-07-2009, 09:56 AM
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He has many many options about where he heads from where he is now. Some require no effort ( just wait for you to fall for the ****) , some things a little more effort ( find someone else to provide the cushions), and so on and so so until way along the line he gets to SOME effort and he starts addressing his stuff.......way along that line he may start giving effort to someone else...........

Don't be the option that requires NO effort. Don't let yrslf. Do hug yourself for having the humanity to care. Then give the energy of that caring to yourself and your children.

It hurts and it is hard to watch anothers suffering, but we have to listen to those who know what they are talking about on this dreadful disease.

sending you love and support to keep going
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Old 06-08-2009, 05:33 AM
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I was feeling really guilty a few weeks ago because i was recommending that my son go to a facility - felt like i abandoned him - actually said about myself "what kind of mom does this." A friend of mine said the reason i felt guilty was not because i was doing somethign wrong to AS but because i felt relief that he was not coming home. I realized the truth in that - i felt guilty because i was doing the best thing for myself and DD instead of soley focusing on what he wanted. I did the right thing but felt guilty that i felt relief that i may not have to deal with his problems. In the end it is okay for me to make decisions on what's best for the family and not just what he wants - him having some discomfort can be the best thing for him and me having peace in my home and serentity is essential to mine and my DD's lives.
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Old 06-08-2009, 07:17 AM
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Thank you all & you are soooo right.

It has helped put it into prespective.

What he is going through, he caused. I tried every way to help and got lied to more for my effort. I pleaded & cried, nothing worked.

I have a home & food for my kids because I go to work and bust my a@@ for it. I don't drink or drug. I love my kids more than myself.

I did feel massive releif when he left and I think your right winnie, thats why I felt guilty because I felt so much more peaceful and serene without the active addiction in my face at every moment.

Yes I miss him & still love the man but I don't love the addict. The addict has no place in my house anymore. The man does if he ever gets rid of the addict which I don't see happening.

He's not going to AA, not going to rehab. He tells our son he is trying to get better but I know he's not because his actions tell me this.

As he once told me, everything happens for a reason & things are just how God plans it to be.

What it is, is what it is.

Teggie
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Old 06-08-2009, 07:29 AM
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I'm so glad to know that you are feeling a bit better. You deserve a bit of serenity after everything you've been living with for so long.

I seriously doubt that God planned for your husband to become an alcoholic; however, He did give us free will.

(((HUGS)))
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Old 06-08-2009, 07:49 AM
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(((Teggie)))

I am sorry. The road he's chosen is not an easy one. I know it hurts but you are doing the right thing and have your heart in the right place. You are taking care of you and your children. They need love, security, stability and a positive sense of self.

You sound like a very strong woman.

Hugs and support,
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Old 06-09-2009, 03:24 PM
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I understand what you miss...it is what we all miss...the good times...just remember to take him at face value now and realize that he must live with his actions or lack of. The best thing you can do for yourself is keep taking steps towards a healthy life for you and your kids. I will keep you in my prayers.
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Old 06-09-2009, 03:36 PM
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You said it whereami.... we miss the good times or the potential... but the reality is when drugs enter the picture....it is highly unlikely that it's ever coming back... at least like it used to be. Take care of you and remember the three C's.
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Old 06-09-2009, 04:50 PM
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Please be careful when he hits rock bottom...he is right next door and will start doing everything he can to get back in...stay strong and set your boundaries like rules of the house...be firm you can do this!!
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Old 06-10-2009, 04:15 AM
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My husband tells everyone that it was only a jail cell that stopped his cocaine binge and led him to recovery.

His nephew is currently addicted to Prescription pain pills and the family wants my husband to help him stop. My husband tells them he will not stop until he's lost everything. And this nephew has a lot of money, a house, a car...no job, but he is able to live off his savings.

Most Addicts have to bottom out before they can make an effective change.
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Old 06-10-2009, 09:23 AM
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Whereami, I have been worried about just that.

It has not been pleasant with him next door, I guess he wants to be sure we know how he is living and so he can keep up with what we do & who comes over etc.

Since he left he has resumed drinking, the drug use I dunno about & don't really care to know.

If he calls the house it's only early in the day, & only concerns household stuff or the kids. I guess he calls before he gets all drugged and boozed up.

Last night I came home from work and he was mowing the yard. I didn't ask him to do that so I didn't say anything about it.

He's prob thinking I will come around and take him back yadayadayada. Like before. And let it happen all over again. Been there done that.....

I'm doing ok, getting by. It's been a week now. I can do this.

Teggie
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Old 06-10-2009, 11:12 AM
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And I get a call from my oldest while at work, evidently he asked my youngest daughter why she had she been talking about him this am.

Knowing my 11 yr old she prob has mentioned things to some of the neighbors that have kids because she's a mouthy lil one. But still, why is he upset about about it? I agree that she should'nt be blabbing it but I'm not hiding it anymore.

Thinks he's to good to be talked about? Doesn't want people to know his dirty lil secret?

I see it as a natural consequence to his addiction. Am I right?

I feel like it's gonna get nasty soon.

Teggie
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Old 06-10-2009, 01:49 PM
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I was raised to keep family business quiet but when i finally opened up and got honest about what was going on with my AS things actually got easier. i didnt feel like i had to cover for him anymore - which really is just one more way we enable them. if they think that their actions should be hidden then maybe they should consider changing their actions.
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Old 06-10-2009, 05:16 PM
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Hi Teggie

All I can say to you is how proud I am that you have made the decision to move on and put your children and yourself first.

There isn't anything you can do to save him if he doesn't want to be saved. The only one that can help him now is HIM!

The way he is living is his choice. If he doesn't like the living conditions, he can change them, you cannot!

I liked what Freedom1990 wrote!

Where there is a will there's a way!!

Besides, he probably doesn't even realize his living conditions are abominable!

Keep moving forward.

Hugs, Devastated
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Old 06-11-2009, 08:46 AM
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He showed up at my door this morning. Said he wanted to talk. I asked him what he wanted to talk about. I did'nt even want to talk to him.

He asked what did he need to do to fix this? I told him he needed to figure that out. I told him he left his AA book & rehab papers and to me that was a sure sign he wasn't getting help. And if he went just because of us it would'nt do him any good.

I stated son saw alcohol at his place. He said it was already there & he wasn't drinking. He said he was only taking his meds as prescribed. I told him he's lied so much I can't beleive anything he says anymore. That I don't miss the insanity of hiding meds, doling out pillboxes etc etc. I said I love him but I hate the addict and the addict has no place in my home. That his current conditions are all of his own doing.

He asked for his AA book and rehab papers, I gave them to him. I told him I hoped he saw why I was doing what I am doing. He said he did. He tried to hold my hand. I told him I had to go and shut the door.

He must be running out of pills, maybye is not seeing how he can pay the rent on that peice of crap place with no electricity. I'm thinking he's running low on options.

I cried for a minute then called my mom and hashed with her.

Then I sat here and started to post. Then the phone rings. It's one of the pharmacy's requesting he call them.

Sigh,

Teggie
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