FSquared

Hi. New to this forum. Obviously I didn't find it by accident.

I am absorbing another relapse by my wife, the third in almost 11 years of marriage. I am facing the prospect of holding the household together again while she heads off to get help again. We have two young boys (7 and 4).

I am freaking out. We are both sick. I know this. I have been miserable for a long time living with another unchecked, insidious, inexorable descent into full blown relapse. I thought I was smarter. I thought I was stronger. And yet, assisted by the wily lies of my beloved addict, I tolerated behaviors (drinking, men, etc.) and worked through those on their own merit telling myself, well, at least she hasn't relapsed...because it wasn't drugs.

I know the road ahead well, and it sucks. Of course you all will remind me that I really DON'T know the road ahead at all.

I am rebelling at the thought of being a single parent for an unknown period of time while she is off at treatment. I am scared that all the help everyone seems willing to offer will wilt away soon after the addict and her drama leave town for rehab.

I struggle with what to say or do with her while we are figuring out how to get her to treatment. I'm not looking forward to the soul searching and emotional ups and downs of initial recovery.

I love her unconditionally. I want to grow old with her. I know we will have to both be "sober" to get there. I know I am only able to handle my own recovery. I know I cannot continue to live the way we have been living. I have been miserable for a long time, but unable to communicate that effectively. Of course the realization of relapse explains a whole heck of a lot!

I believe she is finally willing. For whatever reason, this time she actually chose to get off the train of destruction and asked for help...instead of waiting to be caught and told what to do...or ending up dead.

Like many of you, we have often talked about what we really want out of life, and they are the same things....but the cloud of addiction is always mucking up the picture. Its hard to have an honest conversation about things like "Should I quit my job" when I am not given all the information...like..."I am using drugs again at work. Should I quit my job". Well....OF COURSE she should have quit her job if she's using or even thinking of using. Should have quit a LONG time ago. Instead my answers to that question just make me look like an ass when I advocate staying on for a while. At the end of the day, don't blame her. That's the insidiousness of addiction at work there.

So today...I am silently screaming. I am crying. I am trying to plug in to today and not being very successful. I have a few friends to talk to. I am going to ride my bike in a while (I'm a triathlete). I have that waaaaaay too familiar tightness in my chest. I am bouncing off the walls. I am aware of all my stinking thinking (bargaining, etc.), and yet seemingly unable to stop it.

What I don't have is a recovery apparatus for myself. Here is my white flag. I am unable to do this on my own. I have to get help. Our boys are going to need me. I just don't know how I can get the help I'm realizing I need when I'm the one left to hold the nuts and bolts together while we both get better.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. There. I've said it. I never "don't know what to do"....about anything. But I am not smarter than addiction.

HELP!

nowwhat

Welcome F, this forum is an amazing resource. People in all stages of recovery with wisdom and love to share. You are in the right place.

isurvived

Many of us - all too well - know just how you are feeling. It's a suffocating, frozen feeling, but your description of "silent scream" is right on too...

What will help you get through this? Alanon meetings. Lots of them. Counseling too, if you can. This site, and others where you can share your feelings, and get feedback. Read all you can about addictions and how it effects the family.

Then, journal. Set yourself some boundaries. Make a plan for yourself and your boys - should it come to a place where you just know in your soul that you have to march on as a single parent.

Right now, you have some stormy skies above... but things will get better!

Romey4

Hi FSquared. I am sorry for your terrible experience, and hope that you continue to reach out for help.

Your story is so incredibly familiar to me because I am in a very similar boat. It took me 13 years to realize that no matter what I did, no matter how many times I worked through the lies, cheating and utter mental abuse, there was nothing I could do to "help" my x get sober so we could be happy together. I dealt with the situations as they came, hoping that "this was finally the last time" and "its different now".

I found myself constantly repeating the same ugly cycle ...
"he messed up..again, but he's really sorry and I forgive him so lets move on so we can stay together." I looked the other way because I wanted to be with him forever.

Until I came to this site, it never dawned on me that I was part of the problem. I was allowing him to continue this behavior because I was always there to pick him back up, help him get on his feet, only to find myself suffering the same pains over again a couple months later.

I know now that I had to let my ex go so he could recover and better himself. I was only distracting him from seeking the help he needed. At the same time, I've now realized that I need help recovering myself (thanks to the wonderful people here). It took a total stranger to point that out. I know I must focus on myself, take care of my own issues and become a stronger individual if I am ever to have a healthy relationship with him or anyone else ever again.


Yesterday I posted a note next to my computer to remind myself that I cannot control
my x's alcoholism, and I will no longer allow it to control me. My biggest internal struggle is letting go of the need to take care of him. The good news is that I am finally able to admit that I don't know what to do, and I need help! I think I was waving two white flags when I first cried out!

Your situation is different in that their are children involved. Although we don't have that component, I can say that as a child I grew up in an alcoholic household, and the fear I lived with daily for years and years was crippling. It destroyed my self esteem and I wished my parents would get help. My guess is that your children are struggling badly with this, and by you reaching out you are already helping them. Keep that up!

Have you ever thought about getting involved in your own recovery program, such as Al Anon? If you haven't, read up on the program, its principles and philsophy....it is definitely worth it!

After months of consideration and reading, yesterday I went to my first al anon meeting, and I absolutely loved it! The feeling of love and compassion I felt when I walked in the room gave me a confidence that I know I can build on, and a sense of oneness with others who have walked in my shoes and have learned how to deal with this. I haven't felt this strong mentally in years, and I'm getting excited about my future.

Although I am very new to this program, and this site, I can see that there is hope for a better future. With both of us in our own recovery programs, I know that whether or not we ever get back together, I will be in a much better place, and that in itself is worth the work!

I wish you and your family the best of luck! Keep reading here...its an invaluable resource!

Peace
Romey

bluejay6

Dear FSquare,
Welcome and God bless.

Your pain resonates right off the screen.

The First Step of the 12 Steps of AA and Al-Anon:
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable."

This is your life and has been for many years.

The Second Step:
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

This is your mind at the moment: insane.

The Third Step:
"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him."

This is the part where we surrender. If you do not understand what that means, then when you do, it will be your key to release from her disease and her choices.

If she has been in rehab before, I assume you participated and were encouraged to attend Al-Anon. Have you done that? Have you worked with a counselor specialized in the addictive family? Why are you so alone with your silent scream?

I am really glad you are here.

In the insanity of active addiction, Al-Anon will say "First Things First." For me, this means structure. Active addiction washes a family out to sea. You need to build a safe harbor to anchor yourself and your children once again (let your wife and her rehab do that for her--she is in a different ocean and best you stay out of it).

Make a concrete plan. Lay it out on the calendar. Determine what will shore up your daily life so that your erratic emotions do not make your life crazy and your children sick.

And keep posting, for this forum cares about you. There is tremendous help here.

Bluejay

Chrysalis123

:ghug3

FSquared

Thanks, all. The bike ride turned out only mildly theraputic, but having a friend along helped.

Blue....I have always "supported" her in treatment and recovery. At least as far as my "smart" self thought I should. I went to Al Anon for a while, but it never really sat well with me. Too much whining about the addict(s) and not enough talk about ourselves. Plus I couldn't get past the whole higher power thing. Step 1 was enough for me...or so I thought.

I have worked with psychiatrists and counselors, but I don't believe any of them were specialists in addiction and families.

And all of that was during her last relapse period, which included a long stay at inpatient treatment. Looking back, that was an abortive attempt from the start...and a whole pile of the blame for that lies right with me. And I feel intense shame for that right now.

Without all the gory details....I ended up in a really bad spot emotionally, and found an affair with my best friend. I took my own little dive off the deep end at that point and ended up in a psych ward for a couple of weeks to sort it out. I followed that with some Cognitive Behavior outpatient treatment. Of course I didn't tell her what the catalyst was until after all the treatment. Time to get honest. Time to have the household we should have, right? I'm smart. I've got tools. Oh...and while I was dealing with my demons, she'd already comprimised her recovery anyway.

To make a long story short, I don't think we ever really got off the ground the last time. That was 2003. The years since then have been a completely insane maze of ways we have both tolerated addiction simmering away, telling ourselves and each other we could do things our own way(s). Lots of hurt, pain, misery, loneliness, and numbness on my part. I'm sure it goes both ways.

Did I mention I feel a mountain of shame today for my part in accommodating the conditions for this little addiction petri dish?

Its this realization...the realization that I am unwell...that brought me here.

Why am I so alone in my silent scream? Because I'm too "smart" to have ever needed any help to "deal" with my wife's addiction. I don't have a sponsor. I don't have al anon or like friends. I have my life....work, triathlon, family...and the people attendant in that. I have VERY few really close friends...two or three. So...I am alone right now.

I need help.

bluejay6

You are positively in the right place. You can post here, every day if you wish, for as long as you need...days, weeks months, years....the door is always open and the welcome sign turned on. This forum has done more for me than even Al-Anon has done because it is more in depth than meetings. Some of us need that. But the 12 Steps, however you find them, I believe will take you home (your true life, your authentic self). "God" in the program is YOUR version of a higher power, whether you refer to a religious God, the shared wisdom of a Group of people, the innate pattern of the Cosmos....whatever it is that is larger than you are.

It is essential to deal with regret and self-blame. The disease of addiction makes us emotionally sick, it destroys our ability to make healthy choices, it weakens our internal structure so much that we go looking outside ourself in crazy ways to survive. And this is even when we are NOT the person with the addiction. It is a mystery how diabolical addictive disease is, but look at the photograph of any ravaged meth addict and you will see the disease incarnate. What you see in the ravaged face of a meth addict is an outer reflection of what can happen to your internal life, your own soul and spirit. This is why so many of us have had to get away from the addicts in our lives. We were coming apart. And this is also why you must eventually forgive yourself.

Yes, you need help. Keep talking to us. Weekends are a little quiet and many more will be offering feedback later today and lots more on Monday.

You are in terrible suffering, F, and you need to not be alone. You need help. We are here. Keep up the conversation.

Bluejay

MeHandle

Well the first thing is you have someone to( talk) type to , here on SR. People who have been where you are at so we get it. We might not agree on everything or see things from the same perspective but we get what you are going through. So this post was a great thing to do , you have someone to talk(type) too at anytime of the day. Here is a big internet hug for you since i can't give it in person.

As to what you have been through and going through , I am soooo sorry. Just being honest on this : I am one of the persons on the list that thinks with everything else spouses are going through why would you not free yourself if the A spouse has also unbound the marriage with other men when married to you, a man willing to love her through even that. You are either really co-dependant :-) or you are really a great guy who loves her without resentments for that too.:-) Maybe a little of both. I couldn't do that one. My view is time to leave.

However, it appears that you are willing to continue on with your wife. So al-anon is a great place for you as you live and let live, and receive support from those also choosing the same kind of road. The other is to maintain relationships with friends and family,spending time with healthy people in healthy enviornments. Seeking God of course, or at least truth. My "HELP" comes in the form of questions, besides my comments above :-).
I have this question because of the way you wrote your post: You said you "know the road ahead well." I believe you. Are you sure you want to remain in a marriage where the behavioral model of your married life will be to live and let live?
Are you hoping that will change and that's why you stay OR is it for your unconditional love for her that gives you the strength to love her through it all and therefore you will be content to have the best behaviors you can in this marriage for your health and sanity ?
Do you have any boundary that would move you to leave or do we need to understand that you want support from the perspective of you are in this as a husband no matter what?

love tammy

naive

fsquared-

i'm not really the best person to advise you, as i'm in the heat of it myself with my xABF, an addict. i'm glad you reached out tho...that's a healthy first step.

i guess when i first came here, i didn't want to let go of my beloved. i was quite invested in caring and nuturing him and i had such a lovely picture in my head of what our life could be like. like you, we wanted similar things...in our case, to be in nature and work the shores. a simple life, but a good one.

as i continued to educate myself and listen to the people here, i realized bit by bit that that ideal was only in my head. the day to day, year to year reality that i was living was very different. sure, there were glimpses of that potential, enough to keep me around, but as time went on, the addiction progressed, as it does. and everything that goes along with it: lies, deceit, betrayal, cheating, emotional unavailability, financial distress...well, you know that whole story already i'm sure.

what i am learning is how to let go. i had to get real about the fact that what i was clinging to was a fantasy. the reality was another picture altogether. bit by bit, i started detaching. i'm still detaching. maybe i'm not detaching fast enough but i had to learn to let go and let him get on with his other love affair, the one he was having with the bottle.

it's very difficult, because we love them and we can see how much pain they are in and there is part of me that wants to make that better. that's the co-dependent part of me. what i am learning is that he is an adult and i don't do him any favors by always giving him a soft place to land. in fact, i am enabling the addiction to progress further.

i am sure that your friends and family are well-meaning, but one would have to live with an addict in order to understand the particular insanity that begins to permeate every single aspect of one's life. the people here understand.

keep posting. we are listening.

naive

MeHandle

Oops,I read further. I see you did your bit too. Maybe some resentment holding on both sides now? However I understand, not an excuse or am I okaying it, I am saying a totally understand. It is hard for a spouse to live at their best when depleted by the active or dry drunk.

FSquared

Thanks again, all.

Me...I guess I would call my willingness to stay unconditional love. That and a hope that she will "get it" this time and be sober. We have two young sons and as long as that hope remains, I cannot break apart their HOME.

I think the difference for me now is that I have realized that unconditional love does not have to mean unconditional tolerance of addiction behavior...that I have to be "sober" myself and not co-dependent. I need my own sanity...and I'm not sure I have much right now, all things considered.

naive

unfortunately, each addict has their own bottom. until yours reaches hers, it might be a rather continual cycle of relapsing. they will stop only when they decide to stop and until then, you can expect more of the same.

since you are willing to live with that, it would be good if you read up on establishing boundaries. there is a lot of good info in this forum regarding boundaries...might help you to have a plan, fsquared.

here's a great article on this subject:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html

FSquared

Maybe I should be clearer. I am NOT willing to continue living with the cycle of addiction/recovery/relapse. I cannot do it for my sake. Her realization of relapse and seeking recovery has shed the light on my own need. I need to get better. I want to. I know that when I am "recovering", I will not continue to live with her addiction...but will only be able to live in a recovering household. I need to do it for myself, whether her recovery continues or not. I also expect the same must be true for her. If she lives recovery, but I continue a co-dependent life...then she must examine the house for her own sake.

naive

ok, fsquared. understood.

so, what's your plan? how are you going to make time for your own recovery and also, hold down the fort as a temporarily single parent?

are there people you can ask for help?

naive

gowest

This is just my experience, I stayed way too long in a bad marriage because of the children. They do absorb what is going on around them in so many subtle ways. There is some interesting reading on the adult children of alcoholics forum.

YOU are not breaking apart their home.
ADDICTION has already done that.

I feel for you. It is a heart breaking experience to go through.

FSquared

I don't have a plan other than to ask for help right now. I don't know what to do for myself. I can get the household through. I am absolutely dreading her leaving for treatment though, if that is the route given to her.

I have asked for contacts here. I am planning on attending an al anon meeting as soon as I am able. I am frustrated that there seem to be 10 AA meetings for every 1 Al Anon meeting. It will make it hard to get something moving and keep it that way.

isurvived

I can sure relate, and know where you are coming from in your thinking.

I stayed (for 27 years!) because of the same reasons.

Each time my AH vowed that it was his last, that he was so sorry, and pleaded with me for just one more chance - I truly believed him. I think he was genuinely sincere, and STILL do believe that AT THE TIME he spoke those words - he meant them.

The sad truth was the addiction was bigger and stronger than he was. It won - each time.

Regrets. Yep, I have them. But a part of me knows I took it as far as I possibly could have, and what's done is done.

Each of us has to come to our own terms with these decisions we struggle with on whether to keep at it, or walk away.

bluejay6

Hi F,
Glad you are keeping the conversation going. How's your sleep? I noticed the times of your last two posts.....

I am concerned about your children. You are trying not to break up their "Home". Do you know what Home is, F? It is a safe place. It is the safest place in the world. It is the place where you can count on things being consistent, calm, sane.

What is it like for children with an addict parent and a codependent parent losing his mind? Home is inconsistent, chaotic, and insane. If you think this is not the reality for your two boys, you are SERIOUSLY delusional.

You wrote that your life and marriage have been "completely insane" since 2006. You wrote that you have been "miserable for a long time." You wrote that you had an affair, "took a dive off the deep end," and ended up in the "Psych ward." During this time your wife was still an active drug addict with all the attendant destruction.

F, what HOME are you trying to save for your kids? Wake up. Really. WAKE UP.

I would not want to spend more than ten minutes in your house. It is a cauldron of devastation. I would feel it in every pore of my body. Your boys feel UNSAFE, UNPROTECTED, and in some ways, UNLOVED. If you have convinced yourself otherwise, get thee to an addictions counselor TODAY.

F, being a single working parent does NOT prevent you from attending Al-Anon or seeing a counselor twice a week. Too many of us here have accomplished that so.... no excuses.

Let go the Magical Thinking that you might grow old with your wife and live happily ever after once she gets sober. Deal with the reality not only of today but of the LAST NINE YEARS. TODAY you are in the cyclone of addiction and codependency and you should be building a very solid storm shelter for your family.

When does she get out of rehab? What will your daily structure be when she does? What consistent rules will be followed? What will the "third strike you're out" look like? Make a plan, F. The odds are she will relapse again. The odds are that you are going to be a single parent, dealing with an alcoholic ex-wife. The odds are that your children are going to need extensive counseling to repair the deep emotional damage from living in that home for all these years. This is the reality, F. Maybe you and wife will beat the overwhelming odds. But I would be prepared for the worst.

Keep talking with us, F. Tell us what you are thinking and more importantly, what you are DOING.

Bluejay

bluejay6

Hey again F,
On the Substance Abuse forum there's a post by "MFanch". It is a PLAN. This is what planning looks like. Hope it inspires you.

BJ