quacking and threats
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quacking and threats
my xABF is not taking no for an answer. even though i have requested no contact, he keeps tracking me down in this small town and trying to speak with me.
on friday night, i went out with a girlfriend. i was tempted to stay in but i decided that i would just get on with my weekend. me and my friend were sitting in a garden, talking, and then another girlfriend and her small son came over also and i thought, "oh this is nice" and appreciated their presence and support.
xABF tracked me down there and said he wanted to talk. i said i don't want to talk, please just leave me be. he stayed around, kinda menacing, and said that it was a free world, he too could sit in this public garden with us. i looked at the little boy and his mum and felt sorry that they had to witness this. finally, he left.
my friend offered to stay with me that night and i accepted her offer. we both were kinda jumpy but managed to rest and spent the day together. as it was saturday night, we decided to go out to the pub in the evening. we chose a pub in another neighborhood, that xABF never goes to deliberately, and took backways and alleyways to stay off the main strip.
we were there for about 10 minutes and in comes xABF. he said he wanted to talk. i said i didn't want to, would he please leave? he said, no, he wasn't leaving, he had just bought a pint. i said i'll give you £3, leave your pint and go buy yourself a new one somewhere else. he said no, he was staying until i spoke to him.
i decided it was safe enough, as there were many people in the pub, and he wasn't going to leave i could see...so, i went outside with him to an outdoor courtyard where there were people smoking cigarettes.
xABF: why are you lying to me? what are you hiding?
me: i'm not lying to you.
xABF: i heard your girlfriend stayed at your house last night but i called her today and she said she hadn't.
me: your information is incorrect. that friend didn't stay, it was claire, who is with me tonight also.
xABF: i still love you
me: that doesn't matter. i love you too but i don't want to see you anymore because you treat me badly and i'm scared of you now. if you don't leave me alone, i'm going to have to go to the police.
xABF: if you go to the police, i will come and smash all your windows in your house.
me: you are a bully and intimidating me. please go away.
xABF: i'm not going anywhere. it's a free country.
xABF: so, what are your plans? are you seeing anyone.
me: i don't have any plans other than to get on with my life without you in it.
xABF: i think you're seeing someone and lying to me.
me: no. i am not seeing anyone. i split up with you because you lie to me, cheat on me and are violent towards me
xABF: so, i'm free to go f*** someone else tonight then?
me: yes, you are. do as you please.
xABF: i'm going back to my old job then tonight, at the door.
me: ok.
xABF: i'm not drunk.
me: it is not my concern anymore.
xABF: so, you are not bothered if i call up OW then and get back together with her?
me: do as you please. it's your life.
xABF: i still love you and want to work things out.
me: it is impossible for us to work things out as long as you are drinking and you refuse to get help.
xABF: i don't have a drinking problem.
me: ok. is that everything you wanted to talk about?
xABF: you have some of my clothes.
me: send your brother to collect them.
then he left. i didn't really feel anything. me and my girlfriend got on with our evening and went home quite early. she offered me to stay at her house, but i really just wanted to go home and have some time by myself.
i hope that's the end of it but i doubt it.
on friday night, i went out with a girlfriend. i was tempted to stay in but i decided that i would just get on with my weekend. me and my friend were sitting in a garden, talking, and then another girlfriend and her small son came over also and i thought, "oh this is nice" and appreciated their presence and support.
xABF tracked me down there and said he wanted to talk. i said i don't want to talk, please just leave me be. he stayed around, kinda menacing, and said that it was a free world, he too could sit in this public garden with us. i looked at the little boy and his mum and felt sorry that they had to witness this. finally, he left.
my friend offered to stay with me that night and i accepted her offer. we both were kinda jumpy but managed to rest and spent the day together. as it was saturday night, we decided to go out to the pub in the evening. we chose a pub in another neighborhood, that xABF never goes to deliberately, and took backways and alleyways to stay off the main strip.
we were there for about 10 minutes and in comes xABF. he said he wanted to talk. i said i didn't want to, would he please leave? he said, no, he wasn't leaving, he had just bought a pint. i said i'll give you £3, leave your pint and go buy yourself a new one somewhere else. he said no, he was staying until i spoke to him.
i decided it was safe enough, as there were many people in the pub, and he wasn't going to leave i could see...so, i went outside with him to an outdoor courtyard where there were people smoking cigarettes.
xABF: why are you lying to me? what are you hiding?
me: i'm not lying to you.
xABF: i heard your girlfriend stayed at your house last night but i called her today and she said she hadn't.
me: your information is incorrect. that friend didn't stay, it was claire, who is with me tonight also.
xABF: i still love you
me: that doesn't matter. i love you too but i don't want to see you anymore because you treat me badly and i'm scared of you now. if you don't leave me alone, i'm going to have to go to the police.
xABF: if you go to the police, i will come and smash all your windows in your house.
me: you are a bully and intimidating me. please go away.
xABF: i'm not going anywhere. it's a free country.
xABF: so, what are your plans? are you seeing anyone.
me: i don't have any plans other than to get on with my life without you in it.
xABF: i think you're seeing someone and lying to me.
me: no. i am not seeing anyone. i split up with you because you lie to me, cheat on me and are violent towards me
xABF: so, i'm free to go f*** someone else tonight then?
me: yes, you are. do as you please.
xABF: i'm going back to my old job then tonight, at the door.
me: ok.
xABF: i'm not drunk.
me: it is not my concern anymore.
xABF: so, you are not bothered if i call up OW then and get back together with her?
me: do as you please. it's your life.
xABF: i still love you and want to work things out.
me: it is impossible for us to work things out as long as you are drinking and you refuse to get help.
xABF: i don't have a drinking problem.
me: ok. is that everything you wanted to talk about?
xABF: you have some of my clothes.
me: send your brother to collect them.
then he left. i didn't really feel anything. me and my girlfriend got on with our evening and went home quite early. she offered me to stay at her house, but i really just wanted to go home and have some time by myself.
i hope that's the end of it but i doubt it.
Last edited by naive; 06-07-2009 at 03:52 AM.
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I am still really very surprised that (from the impression I am getting from your posts) he has been bailed to appear at court on a date in November and his bail conditions do not stipulate that he is not to contact or approach you or encourage others to do the same. As I’ve said before, that is pretty standard for any incident of DV: it protects the witness (the victim) and it protects their case. If he had those conditions after his initial appearance then I’m surprised that they do not remain and they were put in place for a month. Something sounds very wrong here.
In any event he is harassing you. Report him to the Police (remember to have your original crime number from the original incident handy). This is not going to stop unless you stop it.. but I think you know that. If it goes unchecked it could get worse.
Women’s Aid (Scotland) can be contacted on 0800 027 1234 and it is a 24hr helpline. They will be able to tell you what to do to protect yourself.
In any event he is harassing you. Report him to the Police (remember to have your original crime number from the original incident handy). This is not going to stop unless you stop it.. but I think you know that. If it goes unchecked it could get worse.
Women’s Aid (Scotland) can be contacted on 0800 027 1234 and it is a 24hr helpline. They will be able to tell you what to do to protect yourself.
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hi tallulah-
when he went to court after a month, the DV people wrote me and said that the bail conditions had been lifted, and the court date was scheduled for nov. 11th in order to perform background checks on xABF.
this is a tiny place and we don't even have our own sheriff here. i think that perhaps the date is so far in the future because we only have a sheriff when one travels here.
i think the reason the sheriff lifted the bail conditions was because one of the conditions was that he was not allowed to come near our home. i had moved out by the time he appeared, the sheriff and police knew this because i told them and it seems reasonable to me that the sheriff let him return to his own home.
this is a tiny place and things are done a bit differently here. the police have stopped me on the street recently, to ask me if everything is ok. i do feel that if i went to the police, they would act quickly to restore a restraining order. they have been clear about that.
i'm going to give it a day or two and see what transpires. my new flat is 1/2 block from the police station. i really don't want to involve them but i will if i have to.
naive
when he went to court after a month, the DV people wrote me and said that the bail conditions had been lifted, and the court date was scheduled for nov. 11th in order to perform background checks on xABF.
this is a tiny place and we don't even have our own sheriff here. i think that perhaps the date is so far in the future because we only have a sheriff when one travels here.
i think the reason the sheriff lifted the bail conditions was because one of the conditions was that he was not allowed to come near our home. i had moved out by the time he appeared, the sheriff and police knew this because i told them and it seems reasonable to me that the sheriff let him return to his own home.
this is a tiny place and things are done a bit differently here. the police have stopped me on the street recently, to ask me if everything is ok. i do feel that if i went to the police, they would act quickly to restore a restraining order. they have been clear about that.
i'm going to give it a day or two and see what transpires. my new flat is 1/2 block from the police station. i really don't want to involve them but i will if i have to.
naive
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Hiya..
When the A was released from the Police station on bail in my case.. he returned to the property.. I was the one who left. So he was bailed with conditions that meant he was to live and reside there. However, he also had conditions not to contact me etc. They were separate from his conditions of residency. They didn't ask me if I needed it or wanted it.. they imposed it as a matter of routine and everytime he appeared at Court again and it was adjourned the bail conditions were continued.
You're in Scotland and 'different' legal system but fundamentally the same applies. Your partner is arrested and charged, goes to Court and bail may be granted, the Court can (and 99% of the times does) impose conditions to limit their movements, where they stay and whether they can contact you. It is really unlikely that a Court would put a one month timeframe on that when he's not going to be back in Court until November. I don't know who told you you were protected for a month but if I were you I'd be contacting Victim Support or the Police's witness care unit and getting some clarification. If it is true I'd be asking why it wasn't for the period up to and including his next Court date and I'd be asking for something to be done to ensure he can't come near me or contact me. If they were unwilling I'd be contacting Women's Aid and getting a civil injunction with a power of arrest.
It may be a tiny place but the law is the law and the system is the system. If he is contacting you etc and you do not want that.. and you are having to ask people to stay with you in your home or thinking of changing your number to avoid his calls.. then he is harassing you. The law is there to protect you from that kind of unwanted behaviour. .. and with all the statistics about a woman's vulnerability after she leaves.. you may need that protection.
When the A was released from the Police station on bail in my case.. he returned to the property.. I was the one who left. So he was bailed with conditions that meant he was to live and reside there. However, he also had conditions not to contact me etc. They were separate from his conditions of residency. They didn't ask me if I needed it or wanted it.. they imposed it as a matter of routine and everytime he appeared at Court again and it was adjourned the bail conditions were continued.
You're in Scotland and 'different' legal system but fundamentally the same applies. Your partner is arrested and charged, goes to Court and bail may be granted, the Court can (and 99% of the times does) impose conditions to limit their movements, where they stay and whether they can contact you. It is really unlikely that a Court would put a one month timeframe on that when he's not going to be back in Court until November. I don't know who told you you were protected for a month but if I were you I'd be contacting Victim Support or the Police's witness care unit and getting some clarification. If it is true I'd be asking why it wasn't for the period up to and including his next Court date and I'd be asking for something to be done to ensure he can't come near me or contact me. If they were unwilling I'd be contacting Women's Aid and getting a civil injunction with a power of arrest.
It may be a tiny place but the law is the law and the system is the system. If he is contacting you etc and you do not want that.. and you are having to ask people to stay with you in your home or thinking of changing your number to avoid his calls.. then he is harassing you. The law is there to protect you from that kind of unwanted behaviour. .. and with all the statistics about a woman's vulnerability after she leaves.. you may need that protection.
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Wow....sounds like you handled yourself well! How stressful, though, that he continues to try to intrude himself on your world.
I hope that you continue to find moments of peace and joy, and that your ex will move on with his own life!!
Hugs, HG
I hope that you continue to find moments of peace and joy, and that your ex will move on with his own life!!
Hugs, HG
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hi hydrogirl-
yes, it is stressful. additionally, it is so public. it makes everyone uncomfortable and then also, it makes everyone aware of my private business. i feel very exposed and embarassed really but i just remind myself that i haven't done anything wrong and other people's opinion of me doesn't matter.
naive
yes, it is stressful. additionally, it is so public. it makes everyone uncomfortable and then also, it makes everyone aware of my private business. i feel very exposed and embarassed really but i just remind myself that i haven't done anything wrong and other people's opinion of me doesn't matter.
naive
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tallulah-
i've taken on board what you've said. thank you for spelling it all out for me. i hope i'm not making a mistake but i'm going to wait it out a few days. if he continues to harass me, i will go to the police.
all's quiet on the homefront today...no calls...no visits...
i'm going to take a long bath and a walk by the water. i feel tired today.
naive
i've taken on board what you've said. thank you for spelling it all out for me. i hope i'm not making a mistake but i'm going to wait it out a few days. if he continues to harass me, i will go to the police.
all's quiet on the homefront today...no calls...no visits...
i'm going to take a long bath and a walk by the water. i feel tired today.
naive
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Hopefully he will leave you alone now but I will share that I had almost the exact same conversation with my exah many times over the past 18 months (over the phone, he calls to talk to our son then insist that he must speak to me, he knows better than to show up here).
I've had to make restrictions on when he is allowed to call and many times I have had to hang up on him or shut all the phones off so we can have a peaceful evening (I communicate with him over email regarding our son). I think he may have finally given up because he has not asked to speak to me in almost two weeks (a record!).
If you can talk to the police I would let them know that he is verbally accosting you in public. I know how mentally draining it is to have to be on guard all the time ((hugs)).
I've had to make restrictions on when he is allowed to call and many times I have had to hang up on him or shut all the phones off so we can have a peaceful evening (I communicate with him over email regarding our son). I think he may have finally given up because he has not asked to speak to me in almost two weeks (a record!).
If you can talk to the police I would let them know that he is verbally accosting you in public. I know how mentally draining it is to have to be on guard all the time ((hugs)).
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Originally Posted by naive 
i'm going to give it a day or two and see what transpires. my new flat is 1/2 block from the police station. i really don't want to involve them but i will if i have to.
He is harrassing you, plain and simple. Contacting the police is a clear sign to him this will not be tolerated. Otherwise expect more of the same in the future.
:ghug :ghug
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if he continues to harass me, i will go to the police.
This has gone beyond 'harassing.' He is now in 'STALKING' phase and I know that is illegal both here and in the UK, even in your 'small town.' One chance encounter, yeah that could happen in a 'small' town. But then intentionally sitting down to make you and your friends UNCOMFORTABLE that is stalking.
Then he walks into the Pub your are in .................................. and the conversation itself started out a threat.
Please do not wait, report him now. He is "escalating" and you know he can be physically violent. Please PROTECT YOURSELF with the law for back up as much as possible.
J M H O
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I have to agree with Freedom and Laurie...please report him. A couple of days can give him time to do anything. Everything can change in less than one minute. He's been violent before and has already threatened to smash all the windows in your house. Please don't give him that chance. Report him ASAP and please, please be careful.
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laurie, freedom and suki-
i appreciate very much your concern and i am concerned too. i don't want to go to the police becaus i imagine they will just give him a warning and then he will go, drink some whiskey(s) and come and smash in all my windows.
from where i'm sitting, i feel the best thing is to lie low and let this blow over. i might be wrong but i do know him.
i'm starting to feel drained and confused again.
if i'm honest, i also don't want to make matters worse for him. he already has a pending court date and i don't want him to go to prison. the mere idea of that upsets me greatly.
naive
i appreciate very much your concern and i am concerned too. i don't want to go to the police becaus i imagine they will just give him a warning and then he will go, drink some whiskey(s) and come and smash in all my windows.
from where i'm sitting, i feel the best thing is to lie low and let this blow over. i might be wrong but i do know him.
i'm starting to feel drained and confused again.
if i'm honest, i also don't want to make matters worse for him. he already has a pending court date and i don't want him to go to prison. the mere idea of that upsets me greatly.
naive
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Naive, I understand where you are coming from. Sometimes, putting it in their face makes the revenge monster appear. I have often gotten more progress from letting it pass, not to say that I am not very watchful and keep my alarm system on most of the time. I don't know where you live but even radio shack carries glass breaker alarms and over the door motion detectors....and I always had my pepper spray on my car key chain!
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This is what I'm getting from your post.. which you have entitle quacking and threats:
-He is finding out or attempting to find out where you are, what you are doing and who you are with.
-When he finds out this information he has no switch in place that will stop him coming to where you are and intimidating you and the people you happen to be with.
-He has threatened to do the very same thing he is currently in the court system for: he has learnt nothing from what he has already done and moreover he is seemingly happy to do the same.
-This man has already attacked someone who was trying to help you and you.
-He is unable to stop himself.
-You are powerless to stop him.
The help is there.. I hope you come to a point where you are ready to take it.
-He is finding out or attempting to find out where you are, what you are doing and who you are with.
-When he finds out this information he has no switch in place that will stop him coming to where you are and intimidating you and the people you happen to be with.
-He has threatened to do the very same thing he is currently in the court system for: he has learnt nothing from what he has already done and moreover he is seemingly happy to do the same.
-This man has already attacked someone who was trying to help you and you.
-He is unable to stop himself.
-You are powerless to stop him.
The help is there.. I hope you come to a point where you are ready to take it.
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the police won't make this any better, tallulah. i feel they would make it worse actually. it's hard to explain, but even if he goes to jail for say, 6 months, all that will do will be to make him angrier. he would blame me and then i can be a sitting duck until he is released. i want my life back, tallulah. if i play hardball with him, he's going to play hardball back.
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No-one mentioned hardball. No games.. just protection.. a life lived without the A.. and consequences.
There is nothing that anyone can say to you naive that will shine a light on it. All people can do is keep repeating this ESH objectively, even when you get defensive and turn on them or when you put forward reasons why something can't be this way and can only be the other...and hope that one day you switch the switch. Because ultimately you are the only one that can.
There is nothing that anyone can say to you naive that will shine a light on it. All people can do is keep repeating this ESH objectively, even when you get defensive and turn on them or when you put forward reasons why something can't be this way and can only be the other...and hope that one day you switch the switch. Because ultimately you are the only one that can.
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dear tallulah-
i understand from where you are stiitng that i am a very silly girl. i am, obviously, silly in love and i'm snapping out of that. i appreciate very much that you are trying to keep me safe. i'm trying to do that too.
the reality is that this town is really run by the clans and the masons. it's a fishing community and heavy drinking, bar brawls and unfortunately, domestic violence occurr all the time. we are geographically isolated and they have their own way of doing things.
from what i can read in from the public court records, most domestic violence cases here end up in a £100 fine and a period of probation. the one in court last week, where i actually saw the woman after she had been beaten up (quite badly) resulted in a £250 fine and the man is still walking around this town. no jail time. no nothing.
i know the next advice will be that i move out of here, but i don't want to. i like it here and came here by choice 8 years ago because i was tired of being in the rat race. the community has done what they could for me and everyone here understands what is going on between xABF and I. the community, when i went to them, moved quickly to give me a council flat on the other side of town and even gave me a some money to buy a cooker and curtains, etc.
i really do feel that this will all settle down if i lay low. the police check in on me every once in awhile, even stopping when they see me go by on the street. that is how things are done here. the island where i normally work the summer doesn't even have any police at all and is somewhat self-governing.
the reality is that xABF has only intimidated and bullied. he has not ever hurt me and i know it's risky, but i don't think he will. either decision i make, to get more protection or to lay low has its benefits and risks. it's a risky business either way i choose. and that is because i chose the wrong man and it took me a long time to put together the extent of his drinking. i'm not so naive now.
i do appreciate your concern and support. i hope i can offer the same to you.
naive
i understand from where you are stiitng that i am a very silly girl. i am, obviously, silly in love and i'm snapping out of that. i appreciate very much that you are trying to keep me safe. i'm trying to do that too.
the reality is that this town is really run by the clans and the masons. it's a fishing community and heavy drinking, bar brawls and unfortunately, domestic violence occurr all the time. we are geographically isolated and they have their own way of doing things.
from what i can read in from the public court records, most domestic violence cases here end up in a £100 fine and a period of probation. the one in court last week, where i actually saw the woman after she had been beaten up (quite badly) resulted in a £250 fine and the man is still walking around this town. no jail time. no nothing.
i know the next advice will be that i move out of here, but i don't want to. i like it here and came here by choice 8 years ago because i was tired of being in the rat race. the community has done what they could for me and everyone here understands what is going on between xABF and I. the community, when i went to them, moved quickly to give me a council flat on the other side of town and even gave me a some money to buy a cooker and curtains, etc.
i really do feel that this will all settle down if i lay low. the police check in on me every once in awhile, even stopping when they see me go by on the street. that is how things are done here. the island where i normally work the summer doesn't even have any police at all and is somewhat self-governing.
the reality is that xABF has only intimidated and bullied. he has not ever hurt me and i know it's risky, but i don't think he will. either decision i make, to get more protection or to lay low has its benefits and risks. it's a risky business either way i choose. and that is because i chose the wrong man and it took me a long time to put together the extent of his drinking. i'm not so naive now.
i do appreciate your concern and support. i hope i can offer the same to you.
naive
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Hi naive!
Of course I am not a psychologist or a DV expert, just take this as the opinion of a friend, ok?
I do not think any domestic violence victim knew that violence would escalate.. before it escalated.
To me this is a very dangerous man; if things are that way in your town, I would prefer to leave everything behind me and go live somewhere else... the perceived "losses" do not compare to what you can gain (peace and freedom)
I mean, even if things seem "tranquil" for weeks or months or years... will you ever be SURE he won't be appearing smashing your windows (and then you?). Or if you go out with someone else, how can you be sure he is not going to take revenge on "him"?
I mean, I am frightened about this man and I am The Atlantic Ocean away!
I would hate to come to SR and stop hearing about you and just wonder if one day Something Set Him Off, you talking, you not talking, OW throwing him out, you with a new partner, the sky being cloudy, and something bad happened to you
if I remember well (sorry if I am confusing you with another poster) your mom is in the US, have you talked to your mom about this? what does she think?
((((Hugs)))))
Of course I am not a psychologist or a DV expert, just take this as the opinion of a friend, ok?
I do not think any domestic violence victim knew that violence would escalate.. before it escalated.
To me this is a very dangerous man; if things are that way in your town, I would prefer to leave everything behind me and go live somewhere else... the perceived "losses" do not compare to what you can gain (peace and freedom)
I mean, even if things seem "tranquil" for weeks or months or years... will you ever be SURE he won't be appearing smashing your windows (and then you?). Or if you go out with someone else, how can you be sure he is not going to take revenge on "him"?
I mean, I am frightened about this man and I am The Atlantic Ocean away!
I would hate to come to SR and stop hearing about you and just wonder if one day Something Set Him Off, you talking, you not talking, OW throwing him out, you with a new partner, the sky being cloudy, and something bad happened to you
if I remember well (sorry if I am confusing you with another poster) your mom is in the US, have you talked to your mom about this? what does she think? ((((Hugs)))))
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