relationships
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relationships
This is my first time here. I am in need of advice for my relationship. I have been living with a man for over 10 years and have been with him for 13 years next week.
We met at a bar and did drink. I was more of a out on the town drinker, he would have a few beers at home. He has been sober for 4 years next month and I am so proud of him. I am totally supportive of his sobriety and need to attend AA meeting. He wants to be a better man.
All was welll until this week. He had a female friend he grew with who also attends meetings. Somehow this turned into a relationship which I found out about. He swears it was only a few months and nothing is going on now. He explained that he was just getting into AA seriously and he shared alot with this person. It was not about me, he was searching and it just happened. We have both talked and cried for the past two days. He says he does not want to end our relationship. I dont either. He still have phone conversations with the woman and said it will stop immediately.
I know he has been through alot emotionally and has been finally dealing with his past, so i almost understand how vulnerable he was.
Any advice?
We met at a bar and did drink. I was more of a out on the town drinker, he would have a few beers at home. He has been sober for 4 years next month and I am so proud of him. I am totally supportive of his sobriety and need to attend AA meeting. He wants to be a better man.
All was welll until this week. He had a female friend he grew with who also attends meetings. Somehow this turned into a relationship which I found out about. He swears it was only a few months and nothing is going on now. He explained that he was just getting into AA seriously and he shared alot with this person. It was not about me, he was searching and it just happened. We have both talked and cried for the past two days. He says he does not want to end our relationship. I dont either. He still have phone conversations with the woman and said it will stop immediately.
I know he has been through alot emotionally and has been finally dealing with his past, so i almost understand how vulnerable he was.
Any advice?
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
Going through the whole recovery process is life changing. My marriage was totally unhealthy and my husband divorced me. I AM GRATEFUL to not be with him any more and as well, I'm still sober.
I bet what I went through and your situation is like comparing apples to oranges as I didn't read anything about a horrible relationship, just that he's gotten sober. Good for him.
However, there was a time while I was getting sober that I thought that our life together, our marriage and what we had would be worth keeping together and now I have to say I'm glad HE gave me the opportunity to move on. My life is much better with out him in it...........please, I'm NOT saying this about you, just sharing my story.
I haven't been in a relationship for over two years and I don't care to be. I'm focusing on myself. My dearest friends that I've known forever, my sister, my kids; they are all my life force and people that have known me forever. I'm grateful for them.
Stay open, be TRUE TO YOURSELF!!! Make sure that you're ok. Thirteen years is a very long time so I know it has to be devastating for you. I hope that you both are able to work through it and the outcome is what is best for the both of you.
Take care of YOU!!! My very best wishes.
I bet what I went through and your situation is like comparing apples to oranges as I didn't read anything about a horrible relationship, just that he's gotten sober. Good for him.
However, there was a time while I was getting sober that I thought that our life together, our marriage and what we had would be worth keeping together and now I have to say I'm glad HE gave me the opportunity to move on. My life is much better with out him in it...........please, I'm NOT saying this about you, just sharing my story.
I haven't been in a relationship for over two years and I don't care to be. I'm focusing on myself. My dearest friends that I've known forever, my sister, my kids; they are all my life force and people that have known me forever. I'm grateful for them.
Stay open, be TRUE TO YOURSELF!!! Make sure that you're ok. Thirteen years is a very long time so I know it has to be devastating for you. I hope that you both are able to work through it and the outcome is what is best for the both of you.
Take care of YOU!!! My very best wishes.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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still trying
Thank you for your advice. We had a long 24 hours. Did not sleep much, just talked alot and we both cried alot. He went in depth with his thoughts at the time this adultry happened. He had been attending AA for about 6 months and was finally open to accept the past. He was in turmoil with all of this coming to the surface. He was doubting himself and the decisions in his life. I was a decision that he was having doubts about as well. He had been an alcholohic for most of our first five years and because of that maybe his decision to be with me was wrong. He said the relationship with the other woman was not about me or even about her. Like I said before, they gew up together and he was clinging on to the good memories he had before he started to drink and they included this woman. He felt safe. He said he never intended it to go the way it did, they were just friends, but some how it went too far. He was not in a good place in his head after just accepting he is a alcoholic. It was brief and a mistake. He truly feels bad and remorseful. I do believe him and want to work it out. But, how do I let it go and move on. I am afraid I cant. He is the love of my life. I dont know if attending al-anon meeting will help me get through this.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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couples counseling
We did talk about this. I think he is hesitant about it because he is getting so much out of AA right now and needs to fix himself before we can fix us. He did say that it will be good for me to attend meetings with him and be patient with his personal growth. I have attended a few in the past. We also talked about church. I think there is alot of deep self judgement and analyzing that an alcohlic goes through that i do not understand, but am learning to.
To thine own self be true
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 756
Originally Posted by amb2040 
This is my first time here. I am in need of advice for my relationship. I have been living with a man for over 10 years and have been with him for 13 years next week.
We met at a bar and did drink. I was more of a out on the town drinker, he would have a few beers at home. He has been sober for 4 years next month and I am so proud of him. I am totally supportive of his sobriety and need to attend AA meeting. He wants to be a better man.
All was welll until this week. He had a female friend he grew with who also attends meetings. Somehow this turned into a relationship which I found out about. He swears it was only a few months and nothing is going on now. He explained that he was just getting into AA seriously and he shared alot with this person. It was not about me, he was searching and it just happened. We have both talked and cried for the past two days. He says he does not want to end our relationship. I dont either. He still have phone conversations with the woman and said it will stop immediately.
I know he has been through alot emotionally and has been finally dealing with his past, so i almost understand how vulnerable he was.
Any advice?
We met at a bar and did drink. I was more of a out on the town drinker, he would have a few beers at home. He has been sober for 4 years next month and I am so proud of him. I am totally supportive of his sobriety and need to attend AA meeting. He wants to be a better man.
All was welll until this week. He had a female friend he grew with who also attends meetings. Somehow this turned into a relationship which I found out about. He swears it was only a few months and nothing is going on now. He explained that he was just getting into AA seriously and he shared alot with this person. It was not about me, he was searching and it just happened. We have both talked and cried for the past two days. He says he does not want to end our relationship. I dont either. He still have phone conversations with the woman and said it will stop immediately.
I know he has been through alot emotionally and has been finally dealing with his past, so i almost understand how vulnerable he was.
Any advice?
I notice you said he's been sober 4 years. At what point did he start having the relationship with this woman?
You seem like a loving partner, very concerned for him. I'm sure you were there for him when he was going through his recovery.
I'm saying this because I just want you to make sure he isn't using AA and his addiction as an excuse for cheating. Granted, people do connect with other pple who have been through/are going through the same thing, but that doesn't mean you have to take it to a sexual level.
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relationship
He has been sober for 4 years. He started AA about a year ago. This incident happened about 6 months ago.
I did not think about what you have just told me. You can use AA as an excuse. But, where do you draw the line? Is it an excuse or is it real for him?
I did not think about what you have just told me. You can use AA as an excuse. But, where do you draw the line? Is it an excuse or is it real for him?
To thine own self be true
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 756
Originally Posted by amb2040
He has been sober for 4 years. He started AA about a year ago. This incident happened about 6 months ago.
I did not think about what you have just told me. You can use AA as an excuse. But, where do you draw the line? Is it an excuse or is it real for him?
I did not think about what you have just told me. You can use AA as an excuse. But, where do you draw the line? Is it an excuse or is it real for him?
My point is, think about this before you give him too much leeway for what happened. Adults are responsible for their actions, and no one makes them do anything they don't want to do. Just because he grew up with this woman and she is an alcoholic also, does not mean it was ok for what he did. I'm not saying you think that it was ok by any means. Just making sure that you see the situation and not overlook what he did because you feel he was vulnerable and opened up emotionally to this person. There are boundaries and he crossed them.
Ofcourse, I don't know him, it's very possible he made a mistake, people do. If he cuts off all contact with this woman, and stops going to the meetings where she goes, and you want to give him another chance, that's up to you. I know for me, whenever someone does me dirty, I might be able to forgive them, but I do hold some resentment. Just make sure, if you work things out, you're doing it for the right reasons, not because you excuse his behavior because of what he's going through/been through.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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relationship
Oh my god! Who are you? You are really helping me. I have been trying to see it through other peoples eyes with logic and its hard. You are the reason I came to this site for help.
This goes so much deeper that I ever thought.
I really am struggling with what he did. I know he loves me. I know there is alot of good stuff in our relationship. But, i need to love myself and if I cant get over what he did, then i will continue to lose myself. My self esteem is shot right now.
My biggest heartbreak in this is the trust we had with each other is broken.
This goes so much deeper that I ever thought.
I really am struggling with what he did. I know he loves me. I know there is alot of good stuff in our relationship. But, i need to love myself and if I cant get over what he did, then i will continue to lose myself. My self esteem is shot right now.
My biggest heartbreak in this is the trust we had with each other is broken.
To thine own self be true
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 756
Originally Posted by amb2040
Oh my god! Who are you? You are really helping me. I have been trying to see it through other peoples eyes with logic and its hard. You are the reason I came to this site for help.
This goes so much deeper that I ever thought.
I really am struggling with what he did. I know he loves me. I know there is alot of good stuff in our relationship. But, i need to love myself and if I cant get over what he did, then i will continue to lose myself. My self esteem is shot right now.
My biggest heartbreak in this is the trust we had with each other is broken.
This goes so much deeper that I ever thought.
I really am struggling with what he did. I know he loves me. I know there is alot of good stuff in our relationship. But, i need to love myself and if I cant get over what he did, then i will continue to lose myself. My self esteem is shot right now.
My biggest heartbreak in this is the trust we had with each other is broken.
I know some stuff is hard to hear, and when I was writing this, I was really hoping you didn't take it the wrong way. Glad I could be of help
It is very important to get a different point of view from someone outside the situation. When you're in a relationship it's very easy to be blinded by things. It's great you came here seeking advice. Other people can usually see things when you can't. I know because I've turned a blind eye on way too many occasions. I feel if I can help you see things in a different way, you'll be able to make a better decision for yourself.
Once trust is broken, it's very hard to get back. It takes a very big person to forgive completely and not carry any resentment. And even at that, everyone is human. No matter how strong you are, I believe it's something that can always linger on the back of your mind. I know once someone violates my trust I always second guess them, no matter how much I wanna trust them again.
And, yes the damage to self-esteem is very real and hurtful. Anyone's self esteem would be damaged when something like this happens. I wish I had more advice for you on the self-esteem part, I know it sucks! Just make sure you weigh your options and do the right thing for YOURSELF. You don't want to get hurt anymore than you are now. I know how hard it can be to let go. You really have to ask yourself if it will hurt more to stay with him or to let him go. I don't know his character or history, you do though. If you want to give him a chance and see if he stops contacting this woman and going to the meetings she goes to, that's always an option. Just make sure his actions follow his words. Take your time and think about what you need to do.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
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Girl "To thine own self be true", Only you can decide whether to make ammens with him. Maybe you could go to a meeting with him, this would give you more information to help you decide on what to do.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
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I've been in AA for a number of years, I can't say that I have any experience with what you're going through. But I can offer some observations as to the things a person encounters in getting sober and working the 12 steps of the program. In this case you're
boyfriend was sober for a few years before he started AA, so his situation is somewhat
different.
When someone joins AA at the same time they begin to get sober, they're usually not very strong emotionally. So they have to deal with the pains of getting sober (which is in itself very difficult), and also have to confront all their moral deficiencies. And that's not an easy task either. You have to confront yourself in a brutally honest manner. So the initial phases of AA aren't easy, and thus we suggest that anyone new to sobriety not make any major decisions for the first year.
Your boyfriend was a few years sober when he came to AA, so I wouldn't put him in that same whirlpool. He didn't have to go through the pains of withdrawal or early sobriety. All he had to do was begin working the 12 steps, which again requires brutal honesty. I find it suprising that he would, at this point, question the wisdom of entering a relationship with you some 13 years prior. That should have happened when he first got sober, not now.
That he became involved with someone in the program is inexcusable. Particularly in the first year and particularly when he has a committment to you. Yet you say he earnestly regrets his actions and will no longer have any relationship with this woman. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, but remember that actions speak louder than words. It bothers me, though, that he seems reluctant to go to counseling with you. Here he's using AA as an excuse. After a year in the program and 4 years sober, he should be pretty far along in being able to deal with life. I suspect thay he is, but may be hiding in AA because he doesn't want to.
It's your decision to carry on with this relationship. If you both truly love one another then there's hope. I would press the issue of counseling for the two of you. He's not the fragile person you think he is. One can hide behind the sobriety issue for only so long, then it's time to face reality. And let's hope he's serious in breaking off any contact with the other woman. I really hope this works out for you. There aren't very many women who would be as supporting and loving as you have been both in his alcoholism and his recovery.
boyfriend was sober for a few years before he started AA, so his situation is somewhat
different.
When someone joins AA at the same time they begin to get sober, they're usually not very strong emotionally. So they have to deal with the pains of getting sober (which is in itself very difficult), and also have to confront all their moral deficiencies. And that's not an easy task either. You have to confront yourself in a brutally honest manner. So the initial phases of AA aren't easy, and thus we suggest that anyone new to sobriety not make any major decisions for the first year.
Your boyfriend was a few years sober when he came to AA, so I wouldn't put him in that same whirlpool. He didn't have to go through the pains of withdrawal or early sobriety. All he had to do was begin working the 12 steps, which again requires brutal honesty. I find it suprising that he would, at this point, question the wisdom of entering a relationship with you some 13 years prior. That should have happened when he first got sober, not now.
That he became involved with someone in the program is inexcusable. Particularly in the first year and particularly when he has a committment to you. Yet you say he earnestly regrets his actions and will no longer have any relationship with this woman. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, but remember that actions speak louder than words. It bothers me, though, that he seems reluctant to go to counseling with you. Here he's using AA as an excuse. After a year in the program and 4 years sober, he should be pretty far along in being able to deal with life. I suspect thay he is, but may be hiding in AA because he doesn't want to.
It's your decision to carry on with this relationship. If you both truly love one another then there's hope. I would press the issue of counseling for the two of you. He's not the fragile person you think he is. One can hide behind the sobriety issue for only so long, then it's time to face reality. And let's hope he's serious in breaking off any contact with the other woman. I really hope this works out for you. There aren't very many women who would be as supporting and loving as you have been both in his alcoholism and his recovery.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
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I don't think infidelity has anything to do with AA or even sobriety. Using that as an excuse is lame, in my opinion.
He was unfaithful to you. Any marriage couselor worth working with would say that his job now is to regain your trust by being as absolutely transparent as possible. And by going to therapy. Transparency means answering all your questions, breaking contact with the other woman, telling you if he has any accidental contact with her, letting you check his cell phone, etc.
Infidelity is infidelity. It's not about AA, recovery, or any other excuse he may come up with.
(Can you tell I have a strong opinion about this? Sorry if I'm being too strong here....)
He was unfaithful to you. Any marriage couselor worth working with would say that his job now is to regain your trust by being as absolutely transparent as possible. And by going to therapy. Transparency means answering all your questions, breaking contact with the other woman, telling you if he has any accidental contact with her, letting you check his cell phone, etc.
Infidelity is infidelity. It's not about AA, recovery, or any other excuse he may come up with.
(Can you tell I have a strong opinion about this? Sorry if I'm being too strong here....)
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I really want to work it out. We have a long and good history together. I have more details for you to swallow. When we met he was a drinker, but years prior he had been an extremely heavy drinker. After coming to terms he was a dry alcoholic after 3 years of not drinking he realized he needed to start the steps. 6 months into starting AA he ran into the woman from the past. He has a daughter put up for adoption when he was young and it is the main reason he started drinking at 16. We have no children together. He has an emptiness from not having his own child and letting one go. The woman he ran into has a 3 year old girl. At the time he saw her, he felt the need to be a part of her life. It would fill his void. He was doubting his decision to be with me at the time because he met me while drinking and continued with the relationship knowing we would not have our own child. He said he did not intend to start anything with this woman, but that he wanted to be there for the child and then it just happened. He did start a relationship thinking that maybe this was what he was missing in his life. He was torn because of our life, but was also having issues with himself and what he had missed out with his decision to be with me.
This has all come out since I found out a couple of days ago.
I know what he did is wrong, but I believe we have alot of good. I want to get through this and so does he. If you had asked me what I would do in this situation 3 days ago I would have said tell the ahole to get the hell out. But, now that I am in it I see there is much more to the story than meets the eye. I dont think he was being rational at the time.
This has all come out since I found out a couple of days ago.
I know what he did is wrong, but I believe we have alot of good. I want to get through this and so does he. If you had asked me what I would do in this situation 3 days ago I would have said tell the ahole to get the hell out. But, now that I am in it I see there is much more to the story than meets the eye. I dont think he was being rational at the time.
To thine own self be true
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 756
Originally Posted by amb2040
I really want to work it out. We have a long and good history together. I have more details for you to swallow. When we met he was a drinker, but years prior he had been an extremely heavy drinker. After coming to terms he was a dry alcoholic after 3 years of not drinking he realized he needed to start the steps. 6 months into starting AA he ran into the woman from the past. He has a daughter put up for adoption when he was young and it is the main reason he started drinking at 16. We have no children together. He has an emptiness from not having his own child and letting one go. The woman he ran into has a 3 year old girl. At the time he saw her, he felt the need to be a part of her life. It would fill his void. He was doubting his decision to be with me at the time because he met me while drinking and continued with the relationship knowing we would not have our own child. He said he did not intend to start anything with this woman, but that he wanted to be there for the child and then it just happened. He did start a relationship thinking that maybe this was what he was missing in his life. He was torn because of our life, but was also having issues with himself and what he had missed out with his decision to be with me.
This has all come out since I found out a couple of days ago.
I know what he did is wrong, but I believe we have alot of good. I want to get through this and so does he. If you had asked me what I would do in this situation 3 days ago I would have said tell the ahole to get the hell out. But, now that I am in it I see there is much more to the story than meets the eye. I dont think he was being rational at the time.
This has all come out since I found out a couple of days ago.
I know what he did is wrong, but I believe we have alot of good. I want to get through this and so does he. If you had asked me what I would do in this situation 3 days ago I would have said tell the ahole to get the hell out. But, now that I am in it I see there is much more to the story than meets the eye. I dont think he was being rational at the time.
First it was because he's vulnerable and in AA, now it's because the woman has a child and he needs to fill a void. It seems to me like you are grabbing at straws to excuse his inexcusable behavior.
Again, If this can be worked out, more power to you. If you want to give him another chance, make sure you are vey aware. Make sure he doesn't have any contact with her and doesn't go to the same meetings anymore. If he proves to you that this was a mistake and it's for the reasons you think, then he might be lucky enough for you to give him a second chance.
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Sorry, But I have to argree with everything sweets said. He's playing the poor victim of a set of circumstances which have caused him to be the poor, misunderstood soul that he is. And you in turn are grasping at any straw that will let this relationship go on. Carrying on a relationship with another woman to fill the void left be putting up a child for adoption when he was 16? Using the rationale that her child and his romantic involvement helped fill that lingering void? He was having issues with himself because of what he had missed out on by being with you? I know you want this to work and that you see a lot of good here. I'm sorry, but if there's any good here, I can't see it. You seem to be a very loving and compassionate woman. They say love is blind, and I hope this isn't the case here. You may be setting yourself up for a big fall here, the the sudden stop at the bottom can really hurt.
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