winnie12

Good grief - am i on an emotional rollercoaster right now.
I got a call yesterday from a supervisior at the PO office who said they may have given me some mis-information. That their funding isnt completely cut but just being held for extreme cases and coming back July 1st. So now they are saying they are going to just hold my son while they figure it out and then send him somewhere becuase they have designated him high-risk. I was told before he was mid-risk. this is the designation they give them based on their crimes, their behavior on probation and hte extent of their problems. But apparently some incorrect memos went around the office on wednesday saying they were releasing kids and now they are correcting this. So now we're back to square one. again.

I'm going to now have to explain to this child who thinks he may be coming home that no they are just going to keep him locked up indefininently until they have funds to do something. I'm pretty po'd right now - just dont find it right that they are messing with all of our emotions. he we were all getting our heads wrapped around this and now bam it changes again.

I've asked for another hearing because i need to know exactly what is going on from their mouths - we cant just keep changing our minds every day - he's got enough on his plate without getting jerked around and honestly i'm tired of being jerked around. I dont fight on his behalf unless i find something unfair but telling a kid he's coming home and then telling him he's not is just not fair. It wont change anything except that maybe the next time they will verify their information befor throwing lifes into turmoil.

So now what happens i have no idea - absolutely none. My friend who was going to help with him came up this weekend to be here when he got home. I kinda feel bad because he kept saying all the right things trying to help me and i finally snapped and said stop quoting AA slogans to me and just let me be upset. poor guy - he was trying to help.

greeteachday

((((Winnie))))
I guess it is a matter of perspective. I do understand your anger and frustration, but just from what you have written, from the outside looking in, this appears to be the miracle you were seeking. He's getting help - you are getting to maintain the serentity in your life that you have found and expressed desire to maintain. He is safe, he is not on the streets without medication.

Government is dealing with empty purses these days and things that are funded one day become unfunded the next as government also tries to live in this crazy economy (don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say that what happened or is going on is "right" just that there is a reality that there is no money and states have no ability to just print more) I've learned in my job that what is true one day is untrue the next as laws change, funding changes, etc. "The system" is bigger than any of us and it helps me to remember I can not control it all.

I often got angry at the counselors at school and the teachers or the court system and what I thought was the right way and how they messed up. I have come to realize after the fact that in my case it was a safe way for me to let out all the anger and frustration I was feeling but to not feel like a "bad mom" since they were the ones messing up; not me or my kid. At that time I had to blame someone...It took me years of recovery work to realize that there was no need to blame and I needed to also step back and just let things play out. It wasn't my job to break it to my kid or to try to fix it in situations where my child was not in danger of physical or emotional harm. I had to let go and let her face the consequences of her actions...the consequences of what happened to get her where she was.

At one point when my oldest daughter was in jail I was abolutely livid about some things that were going on. I ened up journaling a huge letter to the "system" and getting out all the anger and frustration...and then I deleted it a few days later. She told me a year later (a clean year later) that the things that happened were just what she needed at the time. She needed to learn humility...She needed to let go of a sense of entitlement. I learned some sense of humility and lost some feeling of entitlement from
the lesson she taught me.

Hugs. I hope you and your daughter find something fun and drama free to do this weekend and I am keeping you and your kids in my prayers.

marle

If he had chosen recovery when it was offered to him then none of this would be happening to him. Although it may not be fair to him, it is even more unfair to you to have to continue to suffer because of his choices. Sending prayers that you are able to find your serenity again even if only for today. Hugs, Marle

Seren

(((Winnie))) Again....I'm pretty speechless....you certainly have a right to feel whiplashed. I do hope, though, that this means that your son will be placed in a program that will do him the most good!

Praying, HG

Callie

I agree with Marle Winnie - he's had his chance to prove himself otherwise. Maybe this will be a tough lesson early on for him that you do not want to mess with the system (law/government/jail). Often times the system is not fair. Many people are jailed unfairly for crimes they didn't commit, but we still are forced to deal with it and they're still forced to serve the time until it works through "the system" and they are proven to not be a threat to society. Maybe there's a powerful lesson for him to be learned here.

I understand your frustration fully, but maybe this is a blessing in disguise. All of the frustration you've felt with him is now being put on HIS plate. He'll be just as frustrated with the system as you've been with him for so long. A little dose of his OWN medicine as to what's fair and what is not. Dealing with an addict isn't fair either, but we do what we have to do to get through it.

lovemykids

Winnie I am so sorry that you all are going through this. I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and your son and sending Oodles of hugs and prayers.

Impurrfect

(((Winnie)))

I do understand feeling like you're on a rollercoaster again, and I agree they should have had their facts straight from the beginning.

Go ahead and get angry.

Then let it go, sweetie. Sure, he's going to be upset, but this is his consequence, and you didn't cause it and you can't fix it. Honestly, I think he's in the best place to get bad news...he can't run.

I'm sorry this is stressing the heck out of you, I really am. Standing in the middle of the floor and throwing a temper tantrum like a 2-year-old makes me feel better sometimes

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Freedom1990

This really spoke volumes to me, and brought up memories from when my youngest was struggling. Every agency I turned to let me down, or so I thought.

The end result was an experience that both of us grew and learned from. I completely agree with what Callie said:
Keeping you in my prayers, Winnie. :ghug :ghug

Chino

And he can't use

Ms. Done posted something in another thread about the pain coming out, not being able to hide when they're not using. He'll deal with it because he has no choice and someday when he does have a choice, maybe he'll remember he survived it.

As far as your personal frustration, I'd be mad as hell too. If it makes you feel better, when I told my therapist I have to beat the crap out of something when I'm angry, he said he throws things but learned the hard way glass isn't a good idea.

Whether you have a tantrum, scream in your pillow, shadow box, throw foam bricks, or type all your posts today in

large bold angry red font

I hope you get it all out. You're an amazing mom, winnie. You know how to survive and you know how to thrive

JustAYak

Winnie

I think she's right

laurie6781

You definitely are an AMAZING MOM!!!!!

However, I look at them 'jerking him around' as CONSEQUENCES of HIS ACTIONS. Unfortunately, you are getting the emotional consequences and I know it is h*ll for you.

I think it is good that your are asking for a F2F meeting with, hopefully the PO Supervisor to get some concrete answers. In the meantime, hey, if they are going to keep him locked up until they can place him, I M H O that is great. It's going to give him lots of time to contemplate his navel until he gets bored with that and then with no drugs in his system will probably start looking at why he is there whether he wants to or not.

In the meantime .......................................... you really are AMAZING!!!!!! Now, since your friend is there for the weekend, why don't you two just go out, with your young lady and do some things that are FUN FOR HER. I think you would enjoy that and she would too.

Know that good thoughts and prayers continue to wing their way to you from NM.

Love and hugs,

Abundance

OMG ....... I would be so annoyed if I were you. Vent all you need to!

On the other hand, he is suffering consequences not at the hand of you. I'm glad that he gets to see that you are "on his side" - but that he also has to live life on life's terms. There is lots of growth and lessons with this - even though - right now- he possibly doesn't recognize as that.

But yeah- that is frustrating. I have been thinking about you getting prepared and ready for his home coming and then BOOM - this changes everything.

Whiplash for sure.

Thinking of you ......

ItsmeAlice

What would be totally unfair is if this was happening in reverse... you know...like he gets accepted to rehab and then gets bounced right back out...or he finally gets into rehab after being refused for the very medical reasons that he needs to be in rehab in the first place then, as you were finally soaking in a bubble bath, he's busting out of rehab and on the run. Wait...didn't that already happen???

I'm just hoping this agitation of preparing to receive him at home (the horror of that has apparently worn off a bit) then he's stuck by no fault of your's (finally it's not your fault, right?) is going to pass quickly.

So he's up against the state's red tape and he's stuck where he is for now. Like everyone has said thus far, these are his consequences. If he had done what he was supposed to do after all the drama you suffered getting him into rehab, he wouldn't be in this mess. Who gives a hoot if he sees the reality of that.

You can visit with him and tell him how frustrated you are by this and say a few "Aw shucks, that stinks" phrases at him, but other than some invonvenience, I think you should be draping that red tape along with some party lights and salvage the rest of your weekend.

Love and hugs Winnie!

Alice

outtolunch

So many municipalities/ counties/states are on the verge of bankruptcy, right now. Their revenues are a fraction of what they once were because consumers are not buying like they used to do. Most welfare programs are functioning on a day to day basis.

Addiction treatment programs do not stand the same chance compared to debt servicing, schools, police/fire protection and waste management.

Serenity Bound

((((winnie))))

#1 You ARE an amazing Mom.
#2 He is where he needs to be at the moment

I feel your frustration, and yep I'd be mighty mad also. However, I'd try to look at the bright side (yes there is a bright side) He has a roof over his head, 3 squares, can't use and can't run. And most important he is NOT under your roof.

Sending you lots of prayers & hugs.
Chris

winnie12

As always thank you all for being here for me. We did get out and had some fun with DD - i gotta admit it was hard for me to have fun. I had a few breakdowns through it - had to really work through the panic attacks. My friend was wanting to be my son's sponser but instead he spent the weekend being mine. I feel like a basket case sometimes - just bouncing from one emotion to the other. I did talk to Son on Saturday and explained it all - he maintained pretty well even though he too just wants to know and of course wants me to do something which we all know i cant do. I just told him that i was going to think and pray on it and when i decided what my recommendation to them would be that he would be the first to know. Besides that the only reason i wanted another meeting was to get some answers and to explain to them that emotionally both son and I need to know the real deal so we're not going through this up and down all the time. They may not be able to control things either but they can wait to tell us until they are positive of what is happening.

At this point I'm leaning towards asking that if they are going to send him home for a month or two while they determine placement that it should be a trial instead. I just feel that if they send him home knowing he isnt staying then he has no reason at all to fly straight but if he thinks it can be a test on whether or not he can stay home then he might try to make it work. That 6 weeks he was here before going to rehab was too hard on both of us and i dont want to go through that again. It was merely living in limbo with no reason to try. I just dont want to set him up for failure.

I'm still angry even though i know that this is completely out of my control and there is nothing i can do about any of it. I'm trying to take the advice i give everyone else on here - you are presented with opportunities to learn a lessson and if you dont get it the first time you will continue to be presented with those opportunities - this is just one more time of me being presented with an opportunity to learn to let go and stop trying to control the universe. Unfortunately i didnt do too well so i'm guessing i'm going to get yet another opportunity to learn this lesson - uggg.

My DD is hanging in - its getting to her as well so i'm trying to keep my emotions in check around her because my friend noticed that whenever i would get upset so would she. Friday she was in such a nervous state that she was having stomach problems again so we had to get her back on the otc stomach meds. Somehow i have to learn to rise above this and keep things mellow around her. unfortunately the best thing i can do is keep her busy and around lots of her friends which she doesnt want to do - she's really clingy around me when she feels like this. But yesterday she did finally decide to go spend the night with a friend so that's a really good thing - she just needs to get away from the insanity sometimes and play like the little girl she is.

cessy68

Win -- perhaps the anger comes from the knowledge that there is 'nothing' you can do, nothing you can control, and as a result, you feel anger, that you are put into such a dang uncontrolable spot?

I'm mad a lot lately.

So I understand anger.

I don't understand how it would feel if this were my son, as I've told you before.

However, You are indeed in my prayers...............and know I WISH I had more words of wisdom for you. I just have empathy and love to send your way.
Love,
Cessy

winnie12

You're dead on with this one - I used to be a fixer - there's a problem then you figure it out and you fix it - but i cant fix this and i dont even have a say in it at all - completely at the mercy of the system. Its hard for me but i must get over it and keep remembering that my HP DOES have control over everything - even the system.

And Cessy - a side note but you help me more than you know

NeedingHelp7

Hi Winnie, gees thats quite a glitch in the system. I wonder how many kids were released already before they realized what was going on. Anyway.... I hope he is still able to go to the Boys Ranch.

Becareful about this because you are saying you are being the recommender, and he may blame you wherever he is put. Just let him know it's up to HP and the authorities of the system. You only want whats best, and that this will be a blessing and a learning experience for him, hoping it will be Gods path for him at this time in his life. Let him know he can make the best of wherever he is placed.

Hold on by faith. We can't see yet we believe. We can't HP can.

Praying your meeting goes well.

Huggs.

HurtingDad

Winnie, no matter what happens you are doing a great job. I can totally undersand the frustration at stops and starts and misinformaton of the system, but at least he is still getting help and he is safe.

Hopefully you can take a deep breath and do something nice for yourself. No one can do a better job than you are.

Prayers and wishes for you and your son.