firestorm090

Hello SR,

I hesitate to post tonight because I slipped away. I had over two months sober, yet went back out a couple weeks ago. Why? Who the hell knows.

It tore me up inside when I went back out, but it didn't take long for me to reach that point of not caring anymore. I'm sure a couple of you have been there. It's a point where you feel hopeless, lost, confused, and worthless and the only solution seems to be a shot of this, another beer, then maybe a shot of that. It's tragic when you really consider that there just isn't enough booze to disconnect anymore, when it doesn't work for you, when your heart is broken and the booze no longer dulls the pain. The greatest tragedy I believe is when you reach a point where the phone rings, people call to check on you and you just let it ring, let the answering machine take a message and maybe call back. Most of the time, I don't call back. Why? You know they are calling because they care, so why is it that I reach a point where I don't care? I'm not expecting an answer here, it's just a question in my heart that I need to deal with. You know, the life of an active alcoholic is not fun and games, in fact, the fun left long ago. I've had a few days without a drink, only to choose to drink again and now my heart is at an all-time low, so I came back here. My AA sponsor has called repeatedly, as well as many others in the meetings I've attended, yet I've returned no calls whatsoever. I'm ashamed and embarrassed and lost again. I'm not really sure why I chose to post here first, before I make those dreaded calls, maybe it's because I'm scared of facing my own weaknesses again. I truly hate being weak, yet I am when it comes to dealing with life without a drink to temper my emotions and dull my senses enough that life is tolerable again.

Maybe tomorrow can be a day 1 again for me, maybe not. I will try. I've finished all of my classes for this semester and have the summer off, so I hope this summer is not one continuous drunk till mid-August. Surprisingly, I did well this past semester, I seem to do well under pressure, but fall apart when the going gets easier, just another baffling part of my struggle.

I'm sorry to ramble and will close for now. I sincerely appreciate the opportunity to share my feelings here tonight. I miss SR and wish I hadn't stumbled, yet I did, and that's the truth for now.

Thanks for being here.

OZboy

So honest.........thankyou,I'm thinking of you..Oz..

NewBeginning010

Hey Firestorm,

So glad you are here man.

We all stumble, you had great success from the first days you were here. I am also getting back up from a slip, the summer months seem to make it harder... patios, beaches, pools (maybe that is just another poor excuse). We both joined here around the same time I believe.

Go back over your posts & look at the progress you have made, its ok to have to take a couple of steps backward, I am glad that you are here again. You are strong to come back & post what happened.

I can totally relate to the feelings of worthlessness & the embarrassment of sitting at home a hungover mess with a good friend or family member calling (and letting it ring).

Pick yourself up & dust yourself off, time to get back on that wagon. I remember your funny & inspiring posts & appreciate them. We can beat this F---ing thing.

I had one hell of a long night out & I was as sick as a dog for days... not worth it. Did some pretty stupid things to boot... instant idiot just add alcohol. I hear I am pretty funny until I start to "turn" after 8+ beers/drinks then who knows what the hell is going to happen.

Ok, now I am the one rambling. Keep posting FS, do you remember the thought or situation that happened when you slipped or did it just happen?

My last thoughts were... dam its a nice day... this is a great patio... look at everyone enjoying a frosty beverage... I am sure I can have just one today & be ok {insert a full day/night of bad decisions & binging}.Took days to recover... feeling how bad it was again & embarrassed again... how awful it was.

What a ****** way to live eh? I look forward to your posts & seeing you bounce back into recovery.

Take Care & don't be too hard on yourself. Lets look more closely at our plans & what went wrong, we can do this bro :ghug

NB

mtnmagic

Hey firestorm - Thank you so much for your post. I hope with all my heart that tomorrow is your Day 1. Believe me, I relate to every word. Ms. Frequent Flyer, as the ER hospital staff named me, screwed up, relapsed so many times. I am so fortunate to live another day, another chance at being sober. I am staying sober, although still very terrified of yet another relapse.

Hope that you find the courage to return that call to your sponsor. Just one call could make the difference in your life.

Sending positive energy your way.

laurie6781

Hey D.

I am glad you decided to make an appearance. I suspected as much when I didn't hear from you.

You know my number ..................................................

I hope this was your bottom that you are now sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Love and hugs,

shaun00

keep sharing with us.

im sorry to hear of your drinking and distress.

CALL that sponsor............today......

Gypsy Feet

I missed you soooooooo much D!!!!!!!!!!!! I was afraid I was never going to get my Wendy's, but your back. Find a way in your head and in your heart to stay with us this time my friend, SR for me is diminished when you are gone.

firestorm090

Good Morning SR friends,

After sleeping a few hours, I awoke to a pounding headache and feeling like crap overall. My hands are shaking, my eyes are blurry, and I feel like a total wreck.

One of the reasons that I went back out is because a couple of guys I used to drink with called and said they were going to a party and I was invited. I'm sure I had strayed away from my program already, and this was just a convenient excuse. I had become lax in going to meetings and talking with others, I began to isolate again and the results were foreseeable, yet I kept doing the opposite of what I needed to do. I chose to neglect my health and well being, and ended up not caring... again. When I don't care, I find it easier to just go out and get wasted, smashed, whatever you want to call it. While going to the meetings, I recall hearing a few people say that the people in the rooms loved them till they were able to love themselves, and I thought those were just nice words, but really didn't know if they were real. I now can see what those words really mean, but I haven't reached that point where I can honestly say I love myself, in fact the opposite is closer to the truth. At times I outright despise myself, think I don't deserve to be sober, and throw my life into chaos and mayhem just to feel normal again. That's really crazy stuff, but I can't deny the insanity of my choices.

Changing my path now is going to be hard because I've slipped back into the old familiar rut of drunkenness, the old cloth of hell on earth to which I've become destructively accustomed. I shudder when I consider how easy it is to give in, to shirk all concern for others and just get drunk, without bearing in mind how much others are striving to help me. It sickens me that I am that way, yet that's exactly what I have done and I'm not proud of it at all. I only hope it's not too late to grab on to the extended hands of support and pull myself out of this hell again.

Anna

Firestorm,

I, too, realized that I could only continue to poison my body, if I really didn't like myself. And, I really didn't and I really didn't care. I had to manage my depression before I could begin to recover.

Believe that you deserve a good life!

Wolfchild

Even though you have made this mistake, spiritual principles are still being revealed to you. Now you have experience that could help someone else stay sober. Go to a meeting, share about it, get another 24 hour chip, and don't take that first drink today. You already know HOW it works, so why waste any more time? Call your sponsor!

firestorm090

Thanks Anna and Wolfchild,

You're both right, and I'm not going to quit trying to kick this crap to the curb. Drinking is hell and I've had enough, so I'm pulling out all of the stops and will garner support this time to win this tug-of-war in my head. The summer is here and I don't want to waste another day of it. It's time to get this monkey, gorilla, baboon, hippopotamus off my back so that I can stand up straight and walk with my head held high, sober and free of the misery of the drink. Today is day one...again, but it is better than continuing to suck the poison into my life by tossing back a few drinks.

Thanks for showing me that it's not too late.

Seekingsobriety

Hey FS,

glad to have you back, and can't say enough how much I appreciate your honesty.
KEEP being open and honest "here".............you are among friends, and friends who have been there.

Got my fingers crossed for you!!

Seeking

coffeenut

I thank you for your post.

You may feel ashamed, but what has happened to you can happen to any one of us. Instead of reveling in it, you seem to be reaching out. I think that's brave.

I wish you strength. Please stick around here....you know it works....you just gotta work it. Let us help.

littlefish

Hey Firestorm, someone here suggested this website:

XA-Speakers - The lights are on!

It's great and I've been listening to a couple of speakers. Two of them address the issue of relapse and I was really interested in that because I relapsed after 8 months recently.
Keep going back to AA. They say "Keep coming back" and I really didn't understand what they meant about that until I relapsed.
Good luck and I hope you call your sponsor!

NewBeginning010

So glad you are back, looking back over your post it was an invite to a party that was the final deal breaker. I am also still struggling with staying away from parties/patios & events with alcohol involved.

I have been to quite a few big parties early in recovery & done very well but it was when I think I have it licked is when the first stones on my path to destruction are laid. Getting to the insane point where I talk myself into the possibility that I am able to have a few drinks.

I can only wonder about the things I could have or could do if I didn't give up on all of the good challenges out there the same way I fight for the idea that I am able to drink. I mean, how many years have I known that I have a problem.. many. Only in the last year have I really tried to make some changes & when I did things were challenging but good.

I look forward to today but there are more challenges ahead. I am going to a BBQ on the beach with friends & it is going to be beautiful. I know there is going to be alcohol & I know that someone is going to ask me if I would like a drink & I know the answer "Yes please, some water would be great thanks". I also know the sick side of me will be asking "why not?" in my head & I will start to fill my head with little reminders of all of the pain & misery that alcohol has caused in my life & say the serenity prayer in my head and get busy talking with new people, playing Frisbee, putting together a music mix, playing guitar and any other activity I can think of.

I know if I start to drink I will keep drinking until I become a drunken mess, embarrassing myself & others in the process. Let alone the damage I would do to myself & my recovery. Its not worth it... it just isnt, crazy disease this alcoholism is. I mean, I dont do anything that affects me in such a negative way over & over & over & over....

Its a beautiful morning & I am clear & alcohol free, I cant wait to brew that first coffee & get out to the beach today. Sorry for the rant, I just needed to. I don't know if there was anything of value there but it felt good posting hehe ;-)

Please stay with us FS, I still fondly remember reading your recovery stories & your enthusiasm. You may not know that you helped me a lot in my recovery but really did have a very positive impact for me. Dam... I have tears coming down my cheek for you (lifts tough guy chin & asks whos cutting onions). Please stay with us & keep posting, we/I need you here.... more importantly you need you here for you.

I am really looking forward to your posts, please stay with us & make that call today. You Can Do This!!!!!

Sincerely,

NB

EDIT: Forgot to say \/

NB Raises coffee cup high & smiles at you and winks ;-)

keithj

Hi Firestorm,

I'm sorry to hear about your struggle. But, it does help to cement that you may be powerless.

I know. The Big Book says that most alcoholics, "for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink." Simple as that. The BB has a couple whole chapters that deal really well with our inability to leave alone the first drink.

If one is working the steps out of the book, one has a full knowledge of the insanity of the first drink. I know it's tough. I didn't stay sober with my first exposure to AA. I did, however, stay sober with the spiritual awakening brought about by working the steps.

Not everyone shares the AA opinion that the only way to stay sober when you've reached that point is through a spiritual awakening. And they are welcome to their opinion. The cumultaive experience of many recovered alcoholics is that nothing short of a spiritual solution will work. I know that I stayed drunk trying every possible solution I could think of, short of taking the steps. And then I took the steps and recovered.

sfgirl

I remember this feeling so well. Booze worked for so long. When I got to the point that I realized it was a problem and started to try and control it, my "great" relationship with alcohol took a turn and I started to see it as more contentious than comforting. It wasn't all fun and games as it had been before. It was the beginning of me loosing alcohol.

When I finally quit alcohol for good, I remember reaching a point, perhaps a couple months in or a little more where I had really gone over alcohol's effects in my head. I now saw alcohol for what it really was, much in the way I imagine one finally arrives at seeing an abuser finally as abusive and not loving. No longer would I ever have the option of refuge in alcohol ever. That was a tough realization to swallow. Even if I went back out, I didn't think it would have the same effect. I could do it— sure, but never again could I have the "glorious" ignorant bliss of my alcohol induced youth. That is a huge loss to feel. And for a bit I felt very empty because I did not know what would fill it. I had to wade through that empty feeling and have a certain amount of faith that something would take its place in sobriety at some point. It wasn't easy or necessarily quick (by which I mean instant) but it did happen. Sometimes in sobriety you have to wade through really sh*tty, empty feelings because you are getting rid of something that was so primary in your life. You have to sit through them. I don't know if that is what sent you back out. But I have complete faith and confidence that you are going to get back on track and that this will just serve as a learning experience.

firestorm090

Well, I swallowed my pride, called my sponsor, and he insisted on coming over. here I am, haven't shaved, feel like total garbage and he wants to come over. Well, that's ok. I need to hit the shower, put on some coffee, open the blinds to let the sun shine in. Funny, I've had the blinds closed for days now, but they simply can't shut out the world. As I look around I can now see that I've let my home go again, dishes to wash, pizza box on the kitchen counter from two days ago, dust bunnies as big as wolves crowding my desk. See, I really did well while drinking, huh? A couple weeks of boozing it up and my whole life went to hell. Well, I guess I'd best empty the trash and get started. I wonder if I'll remember how to run the vacuum, or wash the windows without leaving streaks? Huh? There goes my mind again, off on another tangent, lol.

Thanks you guys for all your help today. I feel good being among you again and am slowly regaining my sense of direction and purpose. My purpose today is not to drink, no matter what. The rest is all immaterial for now.

IO Storm

Hey Fire..

Welcome back!

You asked why you came back to SR first.. I did too.

I had already been sober and clean for many months, and was comitted..but not

ready for f2f meetings. It was as if a further commitment scared me somehow.

I wasn't sure why then. I know why now. It had to do with accountability...not

just to myself, but to others. Here on SR...I could log on as I pleased..sure,

I shared honestly. But no one here knew how I struggled or overreacted or

threw tizzies or cried wondering "what the heck?" during the hours

I wasn't logged on. I "knew" at a given point I needed to go back to AA.

SR was my beginning..I say it "saved me" in many ways. But it wasn't enough.

I had to have flesh and blood people, and a sponsor ..a guide, and a mentor.

This is my experience.

I don't know if you can relate to it at all.

I sure can relate to relapsing...this is my 7th time in! I feel for you so very much!

But Fire, just remember...when, and if..and I hope you do..walk back into that

first meeting..you will be the most important person there.

And warm arms are waiting there to welcome you.

Love,

Sher

IO Storm

FS.

I was posting when you did...

This is terrific.

Let us know what happens please. And..sponsor doesn't give a rip about the

digs, just you.