Really been run over by a bus- trying to figure it out
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 24
Really been run over by a bus- trying to figure it out
I am Marcus. I've been married to my alcoholic wife for just over 7 years, together for about 10 years. 2 small kids, age 4 and 5. nice house together.
She has been drinking most of our relationship. She did stop when pregnant. 2.5 years ago, she quit drinking totally. No AA or anything. She just quit drinking. she was never an out of control drinker. Very high functioning. I barely knew what was going on. She masked it well. Yes I knew she drank and that it was a problem and she at times had trouble controlling her drinking. But seeing her stop when pregnant made me think it was not as serious as "alcoholism" with a capitol A. But it was. So she told me this 2.5 years ago. We had discussed her drinking, but really I knew if I pushed the issue, she would just leave. It was very heavy drinking at first, but later on it grew worse and more obvious what was going on.
So she has been trying to get a photography business going. She has taken a real interest in photography, bought a nice camera, taking classes. She has done some model and portrait stuff, some erotic stuff. Has even been in some of these exotic pics. About 6 months ago, she found herself a new business partner and she really hit it off with him. They formed a business partnership and proceeded to do the modeling and photography thing together. Our relationship has declined over these last 6 months- more fights, less sex and intimacy, spend more time with this guy, working her business. We did a house remodel and the guy was handy so we used him to help us with a remodel. dumped a lot of cash into our house. she and he did a lot of work together on it, while I went off to work. It was their pet project.
Recently, some emails surfaced that something may be going on between them, more than friends. She has sworn up and down that there is, was and had never been anything going on. I had always wondered and asked these questions before. Anyway, probably some mixed feeling there, but nothing acted upon is my best guess. But upon my discovery of this stuff, we had a talk. She told me she is unhappy in our marriage, no longer in love with me, feels trapped in our relationship. She thinks we need to separate and will probably ultimately end in divorce. I am totally devastated. I have heard her say over the years that she wants out, she is unhappy. really from the get go. However, it was never acted upon. So I became immune to such things and we always worked past it. She no longer feels this relationship has a chance, although we did go for 4 sessions with a marriage councilor. The tenor of the session changed once she did an alone hour with the therapist. Basically what came out is that she is set in her thinking that we must part, live alone and see what comes. she thinks we will probably end in divorce but wants to keep things civil for the sake of the kids. That there is no chance or opportunity to work on this relationship now, that she doesn't want it and is focusing her energy on fixing and healing herself. that she has no desire for me or room in her heart for loving or being with anyone right now. She says she has felt this way for years, but never really took action. she said she "tried" to get it back, but it didn't work.
I am of course floored by all of this. I feel anger and frustration that she didn't come to me earlier and tell me what was going on in her head. So that maybe we could work it out. I am basically being presented with the following" Move out or I will, and the kids are moving too" I mulled this over in my mind and didn't not immediately take off and pack. So now she has taken the step of renting something. We will try to share custody of the kids. I really don't want my marriage to end but I really have very little choice in what is happening. I am trying to accept and let go but my view of the bigger picture of my life, my kids lives' being raised in split households, trying to work around a child rotation schedule while keeping my job, the financial support that will be coming, selling my house, all this is so overwhelming. I really feel like I have been run over by a bus.
I have never been in a relationship before with a recovering alcoholic. Is this type of thing, this behavior, common? Do people just self detonate a long standing relationship for the sake of recovery, even years after the drinking has stopped? Does someone have experience with a recovered alcoholic and had something similar happen to them?
She has been drinking most of our relationship. She did stop when pregnant. 2.5 years ago, she quit drinking totally. No AA or anything. She just quit drinking. she was never an out of control drinker. Very high functioning. I barely knew what was going on. She masked it well. Yes I knew she drank and that it was a problem and she at times had trouble controlling her drinking. But seeing her stop when pregnant made me think it was not as serious as "alcoholism" with a capitol A. But it was. So she told me this 2.5 years ago. We had discussed her drinking, but really I knew if I pushed the issue, she would just leave. It was very heavy drinking at first, but later on it grew worse and more obvious what was going on.
So she has been trying to get a photography business going. She has taken a real interest in photography, bought a nice camera, taking classes. She has done some model and portrait stuff, some erotic stuff. Has even been in some of these exotic pics. About 6 months ago, she found herself a new business partner and she really hit it off with him. They formed a business partnership and proceeded to do the modeling and photography thing together. Our relationship has declined over these last 6 months- more fights, less sex and intimacy, spend more time with this guy, working her business. We did a house remodel and the guy was handy so we used him to help us with a remodel. dumped a lot of cash into our house. she and he did a lot of work together on it, while I went off to work. It was their pet project.
Recently, some emails surfaced that something may be going on between them, more than friends. She has sworn up and down that there is, was and had never been anything going on. I had always wondered and asked these questions before. Anyway, probably some mixed feeling there, but nothing acted upon is my best guess. But upon my discovery of this stuff, we had a talk. She told me she is unhappy in our marriage, no longer in love with me, feels trapped in our relationship. She thinks we need to separate and will probably ultimately end in divorce. I am totally devastated. I have heard her say over the years that she wants out, she is unhappy. really from the get go. However, it was never acted upon. So I became immune to such things and we always worked past it. She no longer feels this relationship has a chance, although we did go for 4 sessions with a marriage councilor. The tenor of the session changed once she did an alone hour with the therapist. Basically what came out is that she is set in her thinking that we must part, live alone and see what comes. she thinks we will probably end in divorce but wants to keep things civil for the sake of the kids. That there is no chance or opportunity to work on this relationship now, that she doesn't want it and is focusing her energy on fixing and healing herself. that she has no desire for me or room in her heart for loving or being with anyone right now. She says she has felt this way for years, but never really took action. she said she "tried" to get it back, but it didn't work.
I am of course floored by all of this. I feel anger and frustration that she didn't come to me earlier and tell me what was going on in her head. So that maybe we could work it out. I am basically being presented with the following" Move out or I will, and the kids are moving too" I mulled this over in my mind and didn't not immediately take off and pack. So now she has taken the step of renting something. We will try to share custody of the kids. I really don't want my marriage to end but I really have very little choice in what is happening. I am trying to accept and let go but my view of the bigger picture of my life, my kids lives' being raised in split households, trying to work around a child rotation schedule while keeping my job, the financial support that will be coming, selling my house, all this is so overwhelming. I really feel like I have been run over by a bus.
I have never been in a relationship before with a recovering alcoholic. Is this type of thing, this behavior, common? Do people just self detonate a long standing relationship for the sake of recovery, even years after the drinking has stopped? Does someone have experience with a recovered alcoholic and had something similar happen to them?
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Oh Marcus,
So very sorry. Yes, you have been blindsided by an addict and as much as you desperately want things to not change, they have, and now your challenge will be to face the reality of that, struggle through the terrible grief and anger, and then rebuild your life. There is no other way.
You are so very far down on her list, you know that. She exhibits all the self-centered, self-serving, self-aggrandizing, self-justifying, self-inflating behavior of the addict, dry or not.
And you still want to be married to her. Sometimes people would rather live in a degrading union than have to face being alone and rebuilding a life from the ground up. This keeps a lot of people in pain all their lives, and they feel victimized by what their spouse is doing....when really it is their own actions that make or break them.
Though you think this change in her is recent and attributable to her being "recovered" (she is--maybe--dry.....she is light years away from recovery), if you look back on your marriage with a clear eye, you may find that she has been this person all along.
You have come to a good place for support, which you will need a lot of. Welcome.
So very sorry. Yes, you have been blindsided by an addict and as much as you desperately want things to not change, they have, and now your challenge will be to face the reality of that, struggle through the terrible grief and anger, and then rebuild your life. There is no other way.
You are so very far down on her list, you know that. She exhibits all the self-centered, self-serving, self-aggrandizing, self-justifying, self-inflating behavior of the addict, dry or not.
And you still want to be married to her. Sometimes people would rather live in a degrading union than have to face being alone and rebuilding a life from the ground up. This keeps a lot of people in pain all their lives, and they feel victimized by what their spouse is doing....when really it is their own actions that make or break them.
Though you think this change in her is recent and attributable to her being "recovered" (she is--maybe--dry.....she is light years away from recovery), if you look back on your marriage with a clear eye, you may find that she has been this person all along.
You have come to a good place for support, which you will need a lot of. Welcome.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hello MarcusT,
Welcome to SR. This is a wonderful place, full of experience, wisdom and strength.
I am glad you are reaching out for help, thank you for trusting us.
One question: Have you considered attending an individual therapist or counselor to help you through this difficult stage? If it were for me, everybody on this planet would go to one. It has helped tremendously.
I am sure others will be here soon to greet you, during weekends its slower but please be patient, keep reading and posting. The "Stickies" section at the top of the forum are great reading, as well as the book "Codependent no more" by Melody Beattie.
Hugs.
Welcome to SR. This is a wonderful place, full of experience, wisdom and strength.
I am glad you are reaching out for help, thank you for trusting us.
One question: Have you considered attending an individual therapist or counselor to help you through this difficult stage? If it were for me, everybody on this planet would go to one. It has helped tremendously.
I am sure others will be here soon to greet you, during weekends its slower but please be patient, keep reading and posting. The "Stickies" section at the top of the forum are great reading, as well as the book "Codependent no more" by Melody Beattie.
Hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 24
Thanks for the welcome 
Yes, I have an individual therapy appointment next week. I have been to one Al Anon meeting and 2 CoDa meetings over the last month. I do have Beatty's book and am slowly working my way through it. I am journaling but what comes out on the page is mostly anger and frustration. I feel like I stuck it out thru the bad times and now that the active drinking phase is over, things should be better. but the opposite has happened. I had kind of been waiting for something to eventually click with her and she would go finish whatever she needed to deal with in her life to complete her recovery, but I did not anticipate such a drastic shift.
and yes- some of these features have been there in her all along- the need to cut and run when faced with difficulty. Difficulty talking about feelings and openly communicating. a kind of self centered point of view.
Yes, I have an individual therapy appointment next week. I have been to one Al Anon meeting and 2 CoDa meetings over the last month. I do have Beatty's book and am slowly working my way through it. I am journaling but what comes out on the page is mostly anger and frustration. I feel like I stuck it out thru the bad times and now that the active drinking phase is over, things should be better. but the opposite has happened. I had kind of been waiting for something to eventually click with her and she would go finish whatever she needed to deal with in her life to complete her recovery, but I did not anticipate such a drastic shift.
and yes- some of these features have been there in her all along- the need to cut and run when faced with difficulty. Difficulty talking about feelings and openly communicating. a kind of self centered point of view.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Shavertown
Posts: 7
Marcus
i am very sorry this is going on in your life. the tears were going down my face as I read what you wrote. I kind of know whats going on, i was with a drinker for many years and we had our ups and many more downs . i like you didnt get all signs that were put out for me. he would say he was unhappy, and things like that. But i just thought it was because I didnt go to the bars with him and stuff like that. than one day it all was over. But please dont give up,try and talk with her,dont be pushy about it but try.. If you ever just need someone to talk with let me know. i love to listen,we all have our share of troubles and if I can help I will. god love you and your family.
i am very sorry this is going on in your life. the tears were going down my face as I read what you wrote. I kind of know whats going on, i was with a drinker for many years and we had our ups and many more downs . i like you didnt get all signs that were put out for me. he would say he was unhappy, and things like that. But i just thought it was because I didnt go to the bars with him and stuff like that. than one day it all was over. But please dont give up,try and talk with her,dont be pushy about it but try.. If you ever just need someone to talk with let me know. i love to listen,we all have our share of troubles and if I can help I will. god love you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Abstaining from alcohol doesn't necessarily equate recovery. My alcoholism is a threefold disease-physical, mental, and spiritual.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. She has merely arrested the physical progression by not drinking.
The 'ism' in alcoholism is I, Self, Me. It doesn't sound like she has any program of recovery to address the mental and spiritual aspect, and so it just gets uglier.
It's also not uncommon for an alcoholic to replace one obsession for another such as replacing the alcohol with a sick relationship.
Continue to read your Beatty book, attend counseling/therapy, and 12 step meetings. It's important for you to focus on healing yourself for the sake of the children.
Alanon has been a lifesaver for me in dealing with my oldest daughter's alcoholism/addictions. I no longer stand in the way of her living her life, regardless of the poor decisions she may make.
I will certainly be keeping you and the children in my prayers.
:ghug :ghug
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. She has merely arrested the physical progression by not drinking.
The 'ism' in alcoholism is I, Self, Me. It doesn't sound like she has any program of recovery to address the mental and spiritual aspect, and so it just gets uglier.
It's also not uncommon for an alcoholic to replace one obsession for another such as replacing the alcohol with a sick relationship.
Continue to read your Beatty book, attend counseling/therapy, and 12 step meetings. It's important for you to focus on healing yourself for the sake of the children.
Alanon has been a lifesaver for me in dealing with my oldest daughter's alcoholism/addictions. I no longer stand in the way of her living her life, regardless of the poor decisions she may make.
I will certainly be keeping you and the children in my prayers.
:ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
My ex was 'recovering'. I use the ' ' because while he was not drinking and attending AA regularly he did nothing to address the spiritual and emotional aspects of himself and/or his 'ism'. He continued to exhibit behaviours and chose not to address them. Meanwhile, I was there with hope springing eternal and a fair bit of naivety.
Good for you for putting measures in place and doing things to aid your recovery. Remember it is just one day at a time. Keep coming back :ghug
Good for you for putting measures in place and doing things to aid your recovery. Remember it is just one day at a time. Keep coming back :ghug
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Sorry that you're going through this.. but I'm curious about some things you've said.. You say you're angry and frustrated because she never came to you earlier .. but before that mention how often she had brought it up in the past but never acted on it. Maybe the counseling just got her to cement what she's been trying to say for a long time.
I have been on both sides of this, as a person in a relationship(s) with alcoholics, and as alcohol dependent myself. I'll offer you this; if she truly wants to work on herself, her health, her spirit.. her recovery, there is nothing that should be more important than that, or anything else in her life for her to focus her energy on. That doesn't always mean divorce, but it sounds like that's the road she's taking.
I know looking back there's probably a lot of "coulda woulda and shoulda" thoughts going on for you, but honestly this is her deal. She will recover, or she wont. If she wants out, she wants out. I think the best thing for you and your kids is to focus on YOU, and them.. and provide a safe, nurturing, drama free home for the children (assuming they're going to be with you, and not her if she's still drinking, I wasn't clear if 'recovery' meant she was not drinking or...).
Really sad situation all the way around, but she might just be saving her own life.. if she's serious about throwing every ounce of her being into herself, and her recovery.
I have been on both sides of this, as a person in a relationship(s) with alcoholics, and as alcohol dependent myself. I'll offer you this; if she truly wants to work on herself, her health, her spirit.. her recovery, there is nothing that should be more important than that, or anything else in her life for her to focus her energy on. That doesn't always mean divorce, but it sounds like that's the road she's taking.
I know looking back there's probably a lot of "coulda woulda and shoulda" thoughts going on for you, but honestly this is her deal. She will recover, or she wont. If she wants out, she wants out. I think the best thing for you and your kids is to focus on YOU, and them.. and provide a safe, nurturing, drama free home for the children (assuming they're going to be with you, and not her if she's still drinking, I wasn't clear if 'recovery' meant she was not drinking or...).
Really sad situation all the way around, but she might just be saving her own life.. if she's serious about throwing every ounce of her being into herself, and her recovery.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Sorry it was too late for me to go back and edit, I read more and saw that she isn't drinking anymore. Abstinence and recovery are different animals for sure.. I hope she chooses the latter!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 182
Marcus, Yes I have had that experience. After 25 years of marriage and three kids together, and two years until we are empty nesters and with a retirement plan and life together in place, I came home from a day out of town and passed him as he was leaving and as he said "I'm out of here." That was that, then came "recovery" or as others have pointed out "not drinking"
I know what you mean about often bringing it up but never acting. Everytime I tried to hold my husband accountable for something he should have done but "forgot" or tried to talk about my feelings, I was always met with the "Lighten up, jees, one of these days I'm just going to walk." Well, it happenned for so many years and in so many ways that I just took that to mean "I am not addressing this with you so I will threaten you to control you." So yes you are shocked when they finally do walk.
But, and I really have this as a personal belief....it's not about the alcohol. It's about a selfish person who doesn't want to do the hard stuff and work on a marriage. But more than that it's also about not having courage. Mine needed another person involved too...whether there is something going on or not, it sure feels nice to get the attention of someone who can gaggle over you because they don't share the house and bills and kids and stress that married couples to. Big shot of courage to leave that way!
I am glad you are here and have reached out. This is an excellent place to come. This I will tell you from my own life experience, 7 years with a self centered person is a long and lonely time, 5, 10, 15 more doesn't make them less selfish unless they decide it's time. Sadly, some never do, never will. Best to find out now while you are young and have a chance to raise your kids with either the picture of a loving single guy parent or the example of a true loving mutually respectful marriage that might be waiting down the road for you.
I know what you mean about often bringing it up but never acting. Everytime I tried to hold my husband accountable for something he should have done but "forgot" or tried to talk about my feelings, I was always met with the "Lighten up, jees, one of these days I'm just going to walk." Well, it happenned for so many years and in so many ways that I just took that to mean "I am not addressing this with you so I will threaten you to control you." So yes you are shocked when they finally do walk.
But, and I really have this as a personal belief....it's not about the alcohol. It's about a selfish person who doesn't want to do the hard stuff and work on a marriage. But more than that it's also about not having courage. Mine needed another person involved too...whether there is something going on or not, it sure feels nice to get the attention of someone who can gaggle over you because they don't share the house and bills and kids and stress that married couples to. Big shot of courage to leave that way!
I am glad you are here and have reached out. This is an excellent place to come. This I will tell you from my own life experience, 7 years with a self centered person is a long and lonely time, 5, 10, 15 more doesn't make them less selfish unless they decide it's time. Sadly, some never do, never will. Best to find out now while you are young and have a chance to raise your kids with either the picture of a loving single guy parent or the example of a true loving mutually respectful marriage that might be waiting down the road for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by smacked 
Sorry it was too late for me to go back and edit, I read more and saw that she isn't drinking anymore. Abstinence and recovery are different animals for sure.. I hope she chooses the latter!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by smacked
Sorry that you're going through this.. but I'm curious about some things you've said.. You say you're angry and frustrated because she never came to you earlier .. but before that mention how often she had brought it up in the past but never acted on it. Maybe the counseling just got her to cement what she's been trying to say for a long time.
I have been on both sides of this, as a person in a relationship(s) with alcoholics, and as alcohol dependent myself. I'll offer you this; if she truly wants to work on herself, her health, her spirit.. her recovery, there is nothing that should be more important than that, or anything else in her life for her to focus her energy on. That doesn't always mean divorce, but it sounds like that's the road she's taking.
I know looking back there's probably a lot of "coulda woulda and shoulda" thoughts going on for you, but honestly this is her deal. She will recover, or she wont. If she wants out, she wants out. I think the best thing for you and your kids is to focus on YOU, and them.. and provide a safe, nurturing, drama free home for the children (assuming they're going to be with you, and not her if she's still drinking, I wasn't clear if 'recovery' meant she was not drinking or...).
Really sad situation all the way around, but she might just be saving her own life.. if she's serious about throwing every ounce of her being into herself, and her recovery.
I have been on both sides of this, as a person in a relationship(s) with alcoholics, and as alcohol dependent myself. I'll offer you this; if she truly wants to work on herself, her health, her spirit.. her recovery, there is nothing that should be more important than that, or anything else in her life for her to focus her energy on. That doesn't always mean divorce, but it sounds like that's the road she's taking.
I know looking back there's probably a lot of "coulda woulda and shoulda" thoughts going on for you, but honestly this is her deal. She will recover, or she wont. If she wants out, she wants out. I think the best thing for you and your kids is to focus on YOU, and them.. and provide a safe, nurturing, drama free home for the children (assuming they're going to be with you, and not her if she's still drinking, I wasn't clear if 'recovery' meant she was not drinking or...).
Really sad situation all the way around, but she might just be saving her own life.. if she's serious about throwing every ounce of her being into herself, and her recovery.
When the statements came out that "I want out" and "I am out of here", it was when an argument had gone nuclear. There was never a calm rational discussion about" this is what I see, this is what is going on here, this is what I am feeling, this is what I need, I may have to get out of her if X Y or Z doesnt happen". or discussion of "hey this marriage isnt going so well, maybe we should go see somebody"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by sweetgrass68
Marcus
i am very sorry this is going on in your life. the tears were going down my face as I read what you wrote. I kind of know whats going on, i was with a drinker for many years and we had our ups and many more downs . i like you didnt get all signs that were put out for me. he would say he was unhappy, and things like that. But i just thought it was because I didnt go to the bars with him and stuff like that. than one day it all was over. But please dont give up,try and talk with her,dont be pushy about it but try.. If you ever just need someone to talk with let me know. i love to listen,we all have our share of troubles and if I can help I will. god love you and your family.
i am very sorry this is going on in your life. the tears were going down my face as I read what you wrote. I kind of know whats going on, i was with a drinker for many years and we had our ups and many more downs . i like you didnt get all signs that were put out for me. he would say he was unhappy, and things like that. But i just thought it was because I didnt go to the bars with him and stuff like that. than one day it all was over. But please dont give up,try and talk with her,dont be pushy about it but try.. If you ever just need someone to talk with let me know. i love to listen,we all have our share of troubles and if I can help I will. god love you and your family.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by FunnyOne
Marcus, Yes I have had that experience. After 25 years of marriage and three kids together, and two years until we are empty nesters and with a retirement plan and life together in place, I came home from a day out of town and passed him as he was leaving and as he said "I'm out of here." That was that, then came "recovery" or as others have pointed out "not drinking"
I know what you mean about often bringing it up but never acting. Everytime I tried to hold my husband accountable for something he should have done but "forgot" or tried to talk about my feelings, I was always met with the "Lighten up, jees, one of these days I'm just going to walk." Well, it happenned for so many years and in so many ways that I just took that to mean "I am not addressing this with you so I will threaten you to control you." So yes you are shocked when they finally do walk.
But, and I really have this as a personal belief....it's not about the alcohol. It's about a selfish person who doesn't want to do the hard stuff and work on a marriage. But more than that it's also about not having courage. Mine needed another person involved too...whether there is something going on or not, it sure feels nice to get the attention of someone who can gaggle over you because they don't share the house and bills and kids and stress that married couples to. Big shot of courage to leave that way!
I am glad you are here and have reached out. This is an excellent place to come. This I will tell you from my own life experience, 7 years with a self centered person is a long and lonely time, 5, 10, 15 more doesn't make them less selfish unless they decide it's time. Sadly, some never do, never will. Best to find out now while you are young and have a chance to raise your kids with either the picture of a loving single guy parent or the example of a true loving mutually respectful marriage that might be waiting down the road for you.
I know what you mean about often bringing it up but never acting. Everytime I tried to hold my husband accountable for something he should have done but "forgot" or tried to talk about my feelings, I was always met with the "Lighten up, jees, one of these days I'm just going to walk." Well, it happenned for so many years and in so many ways that I just took that to mean "I am not addressing this with you so I will threaten you to control you." So yes you are shocked when they finally do walk.
But, and I really have this as a personal belief....it's not about the alcohol. It's about a selfish person who doesn't want to do the hard stuff and work on a marriage. But more than that it's also about not having courage. Mine needed another person involved too...whether there is something going on or not, it sure feels nice to get the attention of someone who can gaggle over you because they don't share the house and bills and kids and stress that married couples to. Big shot of courage to leave that way!
I am glad you are here and have reached out. This is an excellent place to come. This I will tell you from my own life experience, 7 years with a self centered person is a long and lonely time, 5, 10, 15 more doesn't make them less selfish unless they decide it's time. Sadly, some never do, never will. Best to find out now while you are young and have a chance to raise your kids with either the picture of a loving single guy parent or the example of a true loving mutually respectful marriage that might be waiting down the road for you.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
Originally Posted by MarcusT
I have never been in a relationship before with a recovering alcoholic. Is this type of thing, this behavior, common? Do people just self detonate a long standing relationship for the sake of recovery, even years after the drinking has stopped? Does someone have experience with a recovered alcoholic and had something similar happen to them?
And my answer to the question you have above is that if you have been a faithful partner( obviously she has not and i am speaking to the abusive drinking, not the possible other man) that such is an excuse for wanting out of her marriage commitment because of what she wants for whatever reason she claims to want it. She wants out because she wants out.
However, if she wants out so bad that staying would actually be a "trigger" for her to drink then it could be said that such would be "related" to her not taking a drink.
People do this everyday and it have nothing to do with alcoholism. It stems from a much more basic problem all humanity has, the sin of self- centeredness said to be self love.
Maybe God will make this a new road to freedom for you instead of a road of destruction. You are not the guilty party here.
Again, I am sorry. This is very hard for a man who still has a romantic love for his wife.
tammy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Please allow me to correct the marriage counselors statement to you
"Basically what came out is that she is set in her drinking that we must part, live alone and see what comes."
You could be the greatest, kindest, most handsome, humble, intelligent person in the world.
Alcoholics are on "autopilot" There is no logic, reason, or sanity, and they don't even know why they do the things they do.
Don't take it personally. Would you be upset with her if brain cancer were making her behavior miserable towards you? Alcohol is toxic to brain cells as well as every other cell in the body.
"Basically what came out is that she is set in her drinking that we must part, live alone and see what comes."
You could be the greatest, kindest, most handsome, humble, intelligent person in the world.
Alcoholics are on "autopilot" There is no logic, reason, or sanity, and they don't even know why they do the things they do.
Don't take it personally. Would you be upset with her if brain cancer were making her behavior miserable towards you? Alcohol is toxic to brain cells as well as every other cell in the body.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
I am so very sorry for what you are going through, the pain of a relationship ending, for me, so far, has been the most painful thing I have ever endured, and that includes death of loved ones, so my heart goes out to you.
I may be obtuse, but I fail to see how alcohol(ism) has anything to do with the ending of your marriage, to me, this is the crux:
These three statements, seem to me, to point at the crux of the problem.
For whatever reasons, people go outside their relationship when their needs aren't being met, I am not saying those needs are always reasonable or attainable, some people set "the bar" too high, and expect their relationship to "fix them" or fill a void that can only be filled from the inside, and when that void isn't met, they think the relationship is at fault and seek another one rather then do the inner work.
This quality isn't restricted to alcoholics. I am not saying she is not an alcoholic, or she doesn't display alcoholic characteristics (I am not saying she is either) I am saying focusing on this is just rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. Ultimately useless and futile and doesn't address the real issue at hand.
Sometimes relationships end, bad things do happen to good people, and sometimes people fall out of love.
The stages of grief are anger, denial, bargaining, depression, finally acceptance, then resolution.
For me, when faced with the same dilemma, the sooner I could stop blaming outside issues, and realize that the solution lay inside, the sooner I could move on. Blaming is ultimately, for me, a waste of time and is just a "fun" thing to do to take the focus off of myself, but I have never had anything constructively come from "blaming" neither as the blamer or the blamee.
Trust me, I know what you are going through, my righteous finger of blaming wrath is apparently in fine working order, but the sooner I can return the focus on me, the sooner I can begin to move forward. If you have any questions regarding my blaming ability feel free to look up my last few posts.
I have found the more help I got, the more help I got, a good dose of reading and a healthy helping of al-anon, and some therapy won't be amiss to help you cope with this.
Please feel free to disregard anything I have said that isn't helpful, I am by no means an authority on anything, this is just a perspective off of reading a few paragraphs on the Internet.
I may be obtuse, but I fail to see how alcohol(ism) has anything to do with the ending of your marriage, to me, this is the crux:
About 6 months ago, she found herself a new business partner and she really hit it off with him.
Our relationship has declined over these last 6 months- more fights, less sex and intimacy, spend more time with this guy, working her business.
Recently, some emails surfaced that something may be going on between them, more than friends.
Our relationship has declined over these last 6 months- more fights, less sex and intimacy, spend more time with this guy, working her business.
Recently, some emails surfaced that something may be going on between them, more than friends.
For whatever reasons, people go outside their relationship when their needs aren't being met, I am not saying those needs are always reasonable or attainable, some people set "the bar" too high, and expect their relationship to "fix them" or fill a void that can only be filled from the inside, and when that void isn't met, they think the relationship is at fault and seek another one rather then do the inner work.
This quality isn't restricted to alcoholics. I am not saying she is not an alcoholic, or she doesn't display alcoholic characteristics (I am not saying she is either) I am saying focusing on this is just rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. Ultimately useless and futile and doesn't address the real issue at hand.
Sometimes relationships end, bad things do happen to good people, and sometimes people fall out of love.
The stages of grief are anger, denial, bargaining, depression, finally acceptance, then resolution.
For me, when faced with the same dilemma, the sooner I could stop blaming outside issues, and realize that the solution lay inside, the sooner I could move on. Blaming is ultimately, for me, a waste of time and is just a "fun" thing to do to take the focus off of myself, but I have never had anything constructively come from "blaming" neither as the blamer or the blamee.
Trust me, I know what you are going through, my righteous finger of blaming wrath is apparently in fine working order, but the sooner I can return the focus on me, the sooner I can begin to move forward. If you have any questions regarding my blaming ability feel free to look up my last few posts.
I have found the more help I got, the more help I got, a good dose of reading and a healthy helping of al-anon, and some therapy won't be amiss to help you cope with this.
Please feel free to disregard anything I have said that isn't helpful, I am by no means an authority on anything, this is just a perspective off of reading a few paragraphs on the Internet.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Thank you for clarifying the sober time for me..
Sometimes alcoholism is an easy thing to point to, to blame for people being the way they are, making poor choices, being hurtful and sefish.. however that may just be the way she is, despite the alcohol issues in the past.
I really doubt that meeting a new dude, ending your marriage, and venturing off with a new business has anything to do with any sort of recovery, it's just what she's choosing to do.
Sometimes alcoholism is an easy thing to point to, to blame for people being the way they are, making poor choices, being hurtful and sefish.. however that may just be the way she is, despite the alcohol issues in the past.
I really doubt that meeting a new dude, ending your marriage, and venturing off with a new business has anything to do with any sort of recovery, it's just what she's choosing to do.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 182
Well said smacked, I think a bunch of the times we are guilty of doing the same thing the A is doing...so many things that were just my A's personality, once in recovery he blamed on alcohol...No bud, you are still doing those things withOUT the alcohol....maybe it's just you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by smacked
Thank you for clarifying the sober time for me..
Sometimes alcoholism is an easy thing to point to, to blame for people being the way they are, making poor choices, being hurtful and sefish.. however that may just be the way she is, despite the alcohol issues in the past.
I really doubt that meeting a new dude, ending your marriage, and venturing off with a new business has anything to do with any sort of recovery, it's just what she's choosing to do.
Sometimes alcoholism is an easy thing to point to, to blame for people being the way they are, making poor choices, being hurtful and sefish.. however that may just be the way she is, despite the alcohol issues in the past.
I really doubt that meeting a new dude, ending your marriage, and venturing off with a new business has anything to do with any sort of recovery, it's just what she's choosing to do.
I think she found the superficial elements that she feels that she needs to make this leap. While I wish there was some other way, I have to let her do it since she feels it will be so wonderful, her salvation.
No she has not said that staying here will lead to a relapse. Sure that could happen, but is never ben articulated.
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