What about me?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 56
What about me?
This morning I asked my ex why he felt that we couldn't be together during this whole recovery. Boy did I open a can of worms!
He explained that putting himself back into our "rhythm" would deter him from focusing on staying sober (OUCH!). What I am having trouble understanding is that I could have a distracting effect on him....and that sucks! I've spent so many years and all-nighters watching over him, making sure he got home safe, not drinking with him and discouraging him from over doing it, and now I feel like I was the reason he was drinking, and I'm being punished for it.
I know I am being selfish, but its not fair that my struggling XABF has put me in a position that I did not want to be in. I wanted to be his partner and lover through all this, but instead I am being pushed away. BOOOO!
He says he still loves me, yet can't show me any emotion or support....how is that OK? GRRRRRRR (theres that anger again).
I don't think he understands the hell I've been through and tolerated for him, and that this whole situation is crushing me just as bad, if not worse, than it is him.
I wish I could rechannel my energy and truly focus on bettering myself. I know I have to find a way to do that, but I've lost my best friend and my partner all at once. The feeling of being "ALONE" has never felt so strong.
I've never been a person that embraced self pity, and I don't feel sorry for myself even now. However, I am angry and disappointed in myself for not paying attention to the signs of trouble years ago.
I sure am rambling on this morning...sorry!
He explained that putting himself back into our "rhythm" would deter him from focusing on staying sober (OUCH!). What I am having trouble understanding is that I could have a distracting effect on him....and that sucks! I've spent so many years and all-nighters watching over him, making sure he got home safe, not drinking with him and discouraging him from over doing it, and now I feel like I was the reason he was drinking, and I'm being punished for it.
I know I am being selfish, but its not fair that my struggling XABF has put me in a position that I did not want to be in. I wanted to be his partner and lover through all this, but instead I am being pushed away. BOOOO!
He says he still loves me, yet can't show me any emotion or support....how is that OK? GRRRRRRR (theres that anger again).
I don't think he understands the hell I've been through and tolerated for him, and that this whole situation is crushing me just as bad, if not worse, than it is him.
I wish I could rechannel my energy and truly focus on bettering myself. I know I have to find a way to do that, but I've lost my best friend and my partner all at once. The feeling of being "ALONE" has never felt so strong.
I've never been a person that embraced self pity, and I don't feel sorry for myself even now. However, I am angry and disappointed in myself for not paying attention to the signs of trouble years ago.
I sure am rambling on this morning...sorry!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Hi Romey,
This is almost exactly what Lois W. felt and said when Bill W., founder of AA in the late 1930's, got sober. She had been getting him through his awful drunks for years and years, and then he had his epiphany, started up AA with Dr. Bob, a fellow alcoholic, and became involved in trying to save other alcoholics through the 12 Steps.
Lois was resentful, felt neglected, was bitter that after all she'd done for him, there he was--off again instead of with her--when he should have been finally spending meaningful time with her(and lots of it, to make up for all those years). She eventually realized her anger about his recovery was her problem, not his, and she knew she had to face her own psychological issues. He had been her focus and her project for so many years, he had been her mission, her source of feeling she had an important job to do (watching over and rescuing her alcoholic husband), that when Bill W. got sober and started standing on his own two feet, she lost it.
Lois searched her heart, examined herself and her "defects of character" and as a result founded Al-Anon. She realized she had made Bill W. and his alcoholism her higher power and she needed the spiritual re-centering of the 12 Steps as much as her husband did.
Are you in a 12 step program of recovery? Do you help other families of alcoholics by sharing your experience, strength and hope? As your bf devotes himself to his profound spiritual reconstruction, what are you doing for yours?
Instead of togetherness right now, both of you really would be better helped by some distance and by participating in recovery with other recovering people, working your own programs of healing and maturity, until you are both on solid ground.
Blessings to you and good hopes for your bf to stay well.
Bluejay
This is almost exactly what Lois W. felt and said when Bill W., founder of AA in the late 1930's, got sober. She had been getting him through his awful drunks for years and years, and then he had his epiphany, started up AA with Dr. Bob, a fellow alcoholic, and became involved in trying to save other alcoholics through the 12 Steps.
Lois was resentful, felt neglected, was bitter that after all she'd done for him, there he was--off again instead of with her--when he should have been finally spending meaningful time with her(and lots of it, to make up for all those years). She eventually realized her anger about his recovery was her problem, not his, and she knew she had to face her own psychological issues. He had been her focus and her project for so many years, he had been her mission, her source of feeling she had an important job to do (watching over and rescuing her alcoholic husband), that when Bill W. got sober and started standing on his own two feet, she lost it.
Lois searched her heart, examined herself and her "defects of character" and as a result founded Al-Anon. She realized she had made Bill W. and his alcoholism her higher power and she needed the spiritual re-centering of the 12 Steps as much as her husband did.
Are you in a 12 step program of recovery? Do you help other families of alcoholics by sharing your experience, strength and hope? As your bf devotes himself to his profound spiritual reconstruction, what are you doing for yours?
Instead of togetherness right now, both of you really would be better helped by some distance and by participating in recovery with other recovering people, working your own programs of healing and maturity, until you are both on solid ground.
Blessings to you and good hopes for your bf to stay well.
Bluejay
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 56
thanks for the input bluejay. I am constantly amazed by how many people have gone through this crap before me, and its comforting to know that at the end of the day, I will be OK.
I have just begun learning about the 12 step program through alanon...I had no idea there was such a program for people like me. I always thought that was only for AA.
I've started looking for beginners groups in my area, and am anxious to go...albeit scary as hell. what am I afraid of? myself, I think. I hope to make it to a meeting this weekend, and start there.
As far as what I am doing for myself....nothing. I didn't realize I needed to fix myself..until I started reading what others were going through. I know I'm not perfect and there are things about me that need work, and I totally intend to look at that.
When you say we would both be better helped by some distance, do you mean both physically and emotionally? I am starting to understand that my emotional outbursts only hurt him, as his do me, especially during this time. I am afraid that if I leave, we will grow apart, and that is what I've been trying to prevent all this time. I am afraid that one of us will realize that we are not good together, and we need to move on..and I'm not ready to face that.
BOOOO! this sucks!
I have just begun learning about the 12 step program through alanon...I had no idea there was such a program for people like me. I always thought that was only for AA.
I've started looking for beginners groups in my area, and am anxious to go...albeit scary as hell. what am I afraid of? myself, I think. I hope to make it to a meeting this weekend, and start there.
As far as what I am doing for myself....nothing. I didn't realize I needed to fix myself..until I started reading what others were going through. I know I'm not perfect and there are things about me that need work, and I totally intend to look at that.
When you say we would both be better helped by some distance, do you mean both physically and emotionally? I am starting to understand that my emotional outbursts only hurt him, as his do me, especially during this time. I am afraid that if I leave, we will grow apart, and that is what I've been trying to prevent all this time. I am afraid that one of us will realize that we are not good together, and we need to move on..and I'm not ready to face that.
BOOOO! this sucks!
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
I've been on both sides of this..
When I got sober, my sobriety had to be more important to me than anything else in the world. That's usually the way it works.. I could not go into it half assed or looking after any feelings of anyone else. It was life or death, and I had to put myself first.
I understand he's put you through hell.. now is not the time (nor will there really ever be) for payback to you, I sense in what you're saying that you expect something from him, this may or may not ever ever happen, you have to focus on your own recovery.
I have also been on the side you're on.. and it sucks, I know it does. But he's your ex, maybe after a solid recover programs he will want a relationship after a while.. might be a LONG while. He has to take care of himself right now, it has absolutely nothing to do with you.
When I got sober, my sobriety had to be more important to me than anything else in the world. That's usually the way it works.. I could not go into it half assed or looking after any feelings of anyone else. It was life or death, and I had to put myself first.
I understand he's put you through hell.. now is not the time (nor will there really ever be) for payback to you, I sense in what you're saying that you expect something from him, this may or may not ever ever happen, you have to focus on your own recovery.
I have also been on the side you're on.. and it sucks, I know it does. But he's your ex, maybe after a solid recover programs he will want a relationship after a while.. might be a LONG while. He has to take care of himself right now, it has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
My guess is that, while you guys were together, his alcoholism controlled your thoughts and your life. And now you're apart and he's in recovery and his alcoholism is still controlling your thoughts and your life...Basically what that says to me is that he is getting better and you are not.
People have said that your ex needs to concentrate on himself and his own recovery right now...and that's true....but so do you. You mentioned in another thread how living with an alcoholic had impacted you...you need to deal with that before it's really going to be safe and healthy for you to be in relationship with anyone, including him.
If I were you, I'd concentrate on taking care of myself and living my life.....and if being with him is meant to be it will happen in a good way when both of you are in a better place. If it's not, then you'll be in a better place for yourself and for anyone esle who might come into your life. No matter how you look at it, things will be better if you let go of him, his disease and his recovery.
freya
People have said that your ex needs to concentrate on himself and his own recovery right now...and that's true....but so do you. You mentioned in another thread how living with an alcoholic had impacted you...you need to deal with that before it's really going to be safe and healthy for you to be in relationship with anyone, including him.
If I were you, I'd concentrate on taking care of myself and living my life.....and if being with him is meant to be it will happen in a good way when both of you are in a better place. If it's not, then you'll be in a better place for yourself and for anyone esle who might come into your life. No matter how you look at it, things will be better if you let go of him, his disease and his recovery.
freya
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 56
hi smacked! oddly enough I totally understand what you are saying, and although he's tried to explain it to me, I don't want to hear it from him! guess I need to work through that. hell, before I started reading here at SR, I didn't even realize I had anything to recover from! This is going to take some time!
I don't think I expect any sort of payback....I don't even know what that payback could be. But I want to know, for myself, that I didn't just waste 13 years of my life with the person I thought I'd be with forever, to have it all thrown out the window. Why? I dunno... just trying to sort this out.
freya, you're right..he's getting better and I'm not. yes, his alcoholism controlled everything I did..I had to be able to watch out for him because he was not capable. Now, I find that he really doesn't need my so-called "help" anymore and thats tough to deal with. I really do want to focus on myself, and will learn how to do that with SRs help and alanon (I hope).
I'm having such a problem accepting the fact that we are not together anymore, and may not be together ever again. Part of me is glad its over, and part me is missing him so much it makes me sick. He sends me messages, calls me often, arranges for dinner and movies together, but then walks away with a cold "good night" and leaves me hangin...I can see now that this is a huge problem and alot of the reason I am not able to let go.
Ugh...so frustrating.
I don't think I expect any sort of payback....I don't even know what that payback could be. But I want to know, for myself, that I didn't just waste 13 years of my life with the person I thought I'd be with forever, to have it all thrown out the window. Why? I dunno... just trying to sort this out.
freya, you're right..he's getting better and I'm not. yes, his alcoholism controlled everything I did..I had to be able to watch out for him because he was not capable. Now, I find that he really doesn't need my so-called "help" anymore and thats tough to deal with. I really do want to focus on myself, and will learn how to do that with SRs help and alanon (I hope).
I'm having such a problem accepting the fact that we are not together anymore, and may not be together ever again. Part of me is glad its over, and part me is missing him so much it makes me sick. He sends me messages, calls me often, arranges for dinner and movies together, but then walks away with a cold "good night" and leaves me hangin...I can see now that this is a huge problem and alot of the reason I am not able to let go.
Ugh...so frustrating.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Hi again Romey,
Your words are very encouraging, because they reflect the three things AA and Al-Anon says are necessary for recovery: Honesty, Openness and Willingness. You have these, sweetie, and it is a great start.
My personal belief is that marriages/relationships in which one person is active in a recovery program and the other is not are not as solid as when both persons are involved in a program. And those one-sided recovery relationships are more likely to end.
Bill W. knew that the way alcoholics STAY sober is by helping other alcoholics. This is the foundation of the 12 step program. The early AA's visited hospitals, brought alcoholics into their homes, did whatever it took to "carry the message" of recovery, and by doing this, they stayed sober. Until they did this, NOTHING they had tried before had helped them stay sober even though they desperately wanted to quit drinking.
So today, alcoholics carry on that mission, because it helps others but also because it saves their own life.
This takes up a lot of time, as you can imagine, if an alcoholic is actively attending meetings and also doing service work.
This is why, if the spouse is active in Al-Anon, attending meetings, helping other family members of alcoholics, doing her own service work, the couple are walking the same path, but not entwined or enmeshed. They are both independent and still connected to each other. There is a common purpose which can deeply strengthen a relationship.
Distance: You will have to find what that means for you. I believe addicts are better off in the first year of recovery if their relationship issues can be shelved. If the addict and spouse can find a way to work on their own issues, support the other's recovery without infringing on it, and have a goal of addressing the relationship and building on that later (this would require a long-view commitment from both), then I think the couple has a very good chance of making it. If they live apart, probably this emotional distance is easier. But that isn't possible for everyone. So couples who live together have to find a way to cooperate but not control. It requires a lot of growing up fast! Because it boils down to boundaries, and neither the addict nor the codependent has good ones, in the beginning. This is the result of the disease.
If you find a meeting you like, then you can make a commitment to that meeting, you can make the coffee or put away the chairs or whatever service is comfortable for you at first. As you become a real member in your heart, you may find that you are exhilarated to be a part of the same program your beloved is a part of, just in a different way. Your own way.
The meaning the spouse once found in rescuing the alcoholic is replaced with healthy meaning....helping the suffering friends and families of alcoholics/addicts who stumble into Al-Anon.
It can WORK for you! I hope it will. God bless.
Your words are very encouraging, because they reflect the three things AA and Al-Anon says are necessary for recovery: Honesty, Openness and Willingness. You have these, sweetie, and it is a great start.
My personal belief is that marriages/relationships in which one person is active in a recovery program and the other is not are not as solid as when both persons are involved in a program. And those one-sided recovery relationships are more likely to end.
Bill W. knew that the way alcoholics STAY sober is by helping other alcoholics. This is the foundation of the 12 step program. The early AA's visited hospitals, brought alcoholics into their homes, did whatever it took to "carry the message" of recovery, and by doing this, they stayed sober. Until they did this, NOTHING they had tried before had helped them stay sober even though they desperately wanted to quit drinking.
So today, alcoholics carry on that mission, because it helps others but also because it saves their own life.
This takes up a lot of time, as you can imagine, if an alcoholic is actively attending meetings and also doing service work.
This is why, if the spouse is active in Al-Anon, attending meetings, helping other family members of alcoholics, doing her own service work, the couple are walking the same path, but not entwined or enmeshed. They are both independent and still connected to each other. There is a common purpose which can deeply strengthen a relationship.
Distance: You will have to find what that means for you. I believe addicts are better off in the first year of recovery if their relationship issues can be shelved. If the addict and spouse can find a way to work on their own issues, support the other's recovery without infringing on it, and have a goal of addressing the relationship and building on that later (this would require a long-view commitment from both), then I think the couple has a very good chance of making it. If they live apart, probably this emotional distance is easier. But that isn't possible for everyone. So couples who live together have to find a way to cooperate but not control. It requires a lot of growing up fast! Because it boils down to boundaries, and neither the addict nor the codependent has good ones, in the beginning. This is the result of the disease.
If you find a meeting you like, then you can make a commitment to that meeting, you can make the coffee or put away the chairs or whatever service is comfortable for you at first. As you become a real member in your heart, you may find that you are exhilarated to be a part of the same program your beloved is a part of, just in a different way. Your own way.
The meaning the spouse once found in rescuing the alcoholic is replaced with healthy meaning....helping the suffering friends and families of alcoholics/addicts who stumble into Al-Anon.
It can WORK for you! I hope it will. God bless.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Romey!
After I broke up I was still talking to ex AH, this only kept my wounds open. We had agreed on being friends until we were both in better places. We talked and so on and I was still hopeful - then someone told me he had been in a new relationship weeks after our breakup. I decided to go No Contact and I asked him not to contact me again, I did not state a time frame, he said it was my call. AND I asked our common "friends" not to talk about him or his whereabouts. I also tried not to talk to them as much, go to any of the places that caused triggers, listened to the same music, etc.
Alcoholism is so strong we need to do whatever it takes to heal, it sucks at first but then you will enjoy doing so many different things, meeting new people, etc. and you will be in such a better place to revisit if you still want this person in your life (if he is really sober and working his program) or if you are better off with people that do not bring addictions with them. You will know yourself better!! What ROMEY wants.. .what ROMEY needs... HOW and WHEN and WITH WHOM those needs are going to be met in a healthy way that will never ever again leave you in so much pain...
"I had to be able to watch out for him"
You volunteered to watch out for him, you decided this out of your good heart and compassion. Love does not come with strings as they say around here, so please do not shut off that wonderful heart of yours. Just remove the codie-ness and the strings (as if it was easy lol but its very possible!!)
Hope you go to your meeting!!
After I broke up I was still talking to ex AH, this only kept my wounds open. We had agreed on being friends until we were both in better places. We talked and so on and I was still hopeful - then someone told me he had been in a new relationship weeks after our breakup. I decided to go No Contact and I asked him not to contact me again, I did not state a time frame, he said it was my call. AND I asked our common "friends" not to talk about him or his whereabouts. I also tried not to talk to them as much, go to any of the places that caused triggers, listened to the same music, etc.
Alcoholism is so strong we need to do whatever it takes to heal, it sucks at first but then you will enjoy doing so many different things, meeting new people, etc. and you will be in such a better place to revisit if you still want this person in your life (if he is really sober and working his program) or if you are better off with people that do not bring addictions with them. You will know yourself better!! What ROMEY wants.. .what ROMEY needs... HOW and WHEN and WITH WHOM those needs are going to be met in a healthy way that will never ever again leave you in so much pain...
"I had to be able to watch out for him"
You volunteered to watch out for him, you decided this out of your good heart and compassion. Love does not come with strings as they say around here, so please do not shut off that wonderful heart of yours. Just remove the codie-ness and the strings (as if it was easy lol but its very possible!!)
Hope you go to your meeting!!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 182
Romie,
There is a sticky at the top of this forum that talks about what to say to a woman that has been abused, which we all have, even if not physical or verbal, then certainly emotional because when he was drunk he wasn't present for you, probably at times you really needed him to be. So, I know it's not always helpful after you have stuck in a relationship "doing" to hear that you have to "do" more.
My heart goes out to you and my whole point in answering is just to let you know how much I know how it hurts and how frustrating it is. My AH went through rehab only to come out an push me away too.
But I honestly have to say, that as time has gone on, I don't want to be around the horrible highs and lows that he is going through living sober and "finding" himself. As much as it hurts to not know why he doesn't want to do this "with" me, it hurts more to go through that push/pull. I lose days in grief....but less days than I used to.
Take it slow, and accept it as it comes. I recently saw two posts that helped me more than anything....
One was from a person explaining why she maintained no contact...she said something to the effect she would love to ask him why he walked out but figured he doesn't even know himself so what the heck good would his answer be.
The other was from an alcoholic in recovery who said that she understood she had put her family through so much that she worked aa and did the steps but early on committed herself to spending as much time with her family as she realized she had many years to make up for and wanted to make ammends on a daily basis.
Now THAT's a mature lady. My recovering husband, and perhaps your love just aren't that emotionally mature, sure of themselves (as in maybe I'll relapse and don't want her around to see it), or maybe.....as I feel with my husband, he is just too selfish to want the responsibility of me and the kids and life and bills and the real hard grown up stuff.
Not getting a choice in it stinks. But maybe him making the choice is God's way of telling you to move on.
Good Luck
There is a sticky at the top of this forum that talks about what to say to a woman that has been abused, which we all have, even if not physical or verbal, then certainly emotional because when he was drunk he wasn't present for you, probably at times you really needed him to be. So, I know it's not always helpful after you have stuck in a relationship "doing" to hear that you have to "do" more.
My heart goes out to you and my whole point in answering is just to let you know how much I know how it hurts and how frustrating it is. My AH went through rehab only to come out an push me away too.
But I honestly have to say, that as time has gone on, I don't want to be around the horrible highs and lows that he is going through living sober and "finding" himself. As much as it hurts to not know why he doesn't want to do this "with" me, it hurts more to go through that push/pull. I lose days in grief....but less days than I used to.
Take it slow, and accept it as it comes. I recently saw two posts that helped me more than anything....
One was from a person explaining why she maintained no contact...she said something to the effect she would love to ask him why he walked out but figured he doesn't even know himself so what the heck good would his answer be.
The other was from an alcoholic in recovery who said that she understood she had put her family through so much that she worked aa and did the steps but early on committed herself to spending as much time with her family as she realized she had many years to make up for and wanted to make ammends on a daily basis.
Now THAT's a mature lady. My recovering husband, and perhaps your love just aren't that emotionally mature, sure of themselves (as in maybe I'll relapse and don't want her around to see it), or maybe.....as I feel with my husband, he is just too selfish to want the responsibility of me and the kids and life and bills and the real hard grown up stuff.
Not getting a choice in it stinks. But maybe him making the choice is God's way of telling you to move on.
Good Luck
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 56
Thanks FunnyOne. Yes the good day/bad day thing is really stressful. I am realizing that I have the same issue with the highs and lows, and sometimes my emotions get the best of me and I say something stupid. What I'm learining is that I am not helping his situation by saying things that could set him back, and in turn this makes him pull further away. I think I dreamt about that last night, and woke up this morning feeling a little wiser 
Everyone here is helping me understand that I need to fix myself, and focus on that, just as he needs to fix himself. Again, I didn't realize that I needed fixing, but after spending a week reading these posts and others advice, I understand that the pain I'm enduring is a direct result of his alcoholism and my own ignorance.
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I wonder if our whole relationship happened in order for us to become better people. Maybe God is telling me to move on, and maybe I will see that clearly in a while, but I can say that right now I'm not ready to accept that as a solution.
I have convinced myself to attend my first al anon meeting this morning. I don't know if I'm ready to face it, but I know that I need to!
Wish me luck!
Everyone here is helping me understand that I need to fix myself, and focus on that, just as he needs to fix himself. Again, I didn't realize that I needed fixing, but after spending a week reading these posts and others advice, I understand that the pain I'm enduring is a direct result of his alcoholism and my own ignorance.
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I wonder if our whole relationship happened in order for us to become better people. Maybe God is telling me to move on, and maybe I will see that clearly in a while, but I can say that right now I'm not ready to accept that as a solution.
I have convinced myself to attend my first al anon meeting this morning. I don't know if I'm ready to face it, but I know that I need to!
Wish me luck!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Good luck, Romey! Just so you know, I had to go try more than one meeting before I found one that "fit" me. I believe this is not uncommon, so don't give up on meetings if the first one seems not-quite-right. This may happen to you as well, or you may get lucky on the first try 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
We don't have that sort of category here where I live - meetings are meetings are meetings, with new people coming in all the time. Think of this as a little social adventure...if you end up feeling over your head (and I'd be VERY surprised if you did) you try another. Proud of you for taking this step for yourself.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 46
Hi Romey4 I am new to this site and I dont know where to start my story.
Your post really hit home for me. I have been with my boyfriend for 14 years, lived with him 7 of those years. He has always been a good guy he helped me with my 3 kids from my previous marriage, when my oldest son passed away as a result of drinking & driving he was my rock. If not for him at that time I dont know what I would have done.
He has always been a drinker. Not always a heavy drinker and he never admitted and still does not admit that he is an alcoholic...he says he is a social drinker, and that he has been classified as such since he has been forced to get help after getting a DUI. He says the stress of his job was the cause of his drinking in excess.
I feel that I have tolerated alot in the past years and I feel that we both put each other thru alot of hurt feelings, anger & blame. I always felt that my anger was justified because he was staying out all night sometimes coming in so drunk that he could barely walk.
I moved out of our bedroom 2 years ago because I thought he just did not love me anymore and thats why he was not coming home and was drinking that way, I also thought he was cheating on me. Which back then he insisted he was not doing.
I have waited in anger, hurt and frustration for him to talk to me and show me some type of recognition I have received little. I blame myself.
Now that he has been forced to receive help and is learning more about himself and what he needs to do for himself I feel more & more pushed aside, rejected hurt and alone. He told me 3 days ago that he met someone (he says a few months ago). When I asked "what about me" he said he thought I didnt love him anymore.
In my mind I thought well he got the DUI 1 year ago and has been drinking less & less almost at the point of not drinking at all, he is getting help, he is getting better. So I had been thinking ok maybe things will get better for us now....hummm well then he says he met someone ...why am I getting punished when I stayed thru it all? I understand that we both need to work on ourselves ..but like you I want to be with him to work on it not break up.
He said he expected me to be angry and lash out verbally as I have done in the past which was part of why he never confided in me. I told him I have no intention of doing that because I have changed too.
At this point I am feeling sad, I cant turn to him because he is taking care of himself and cannot help me thru this.....I just think that when we have invested years in a relationship ...like many married couples...its just not right to leave unless there is absolutely no reason to stay.
Your post really hit home for me. I have been with my boyfriend for 14 years, lived with him 7 of those years. He has always been a good guy he helped me with my 3 kids from my previous marriage, when my oldest son passed away as a result of drinking & driving he was my rock. If not for him at that time I dont know what I would have done.
He has always been a drinker. Not always a heavy drinker and he never admitted and still does not admit that he is an alcoholic...he says he is a social drinker, and that he has been classified as such since he has been forced to get help after getting a DUI. He says the stress of his job was the cause of his drinking in excess.
I feel that I have tolerated alot in the past years and I feel that we both put each other thru alot of hurt feelings, anger & blame. I always felt that my anger was justified because he was staying out all night sometimes coming in so drunk that he could barely walk.
I moved out of our bedroom 2 years ago because I thought he just did not love me anymore and thats why he was not coming home and was drinking that way, I also thought he was cheating on me. Which back then he insisted he was not doing.
I have waited in anger, hurt and frustration for him to talk to me and show me some type of recognition I have received little. I blame myself.
Now that he has been forced to receive help and is learning more about himself and what he needs to do for himself I feel more & more pushed aside, rejected hurt and alone. He told me 3 days ago that he met someone (he says a few months ago). When I asked "what about me" he said he thought I didnt love him anymore.
In my mind I thought well he got the DUI 1 year ago and has been drinking less & less almost at the point of not drinking at all, he is getting help, he is getting better. So I had been thinking ok maybe things will get better for us now....hummm well then he says he met someone ...why am I getting punished when I stayed thru it all? I understand that we both need to work on ourselves ..but like you I want to be with him to work on it not break up.
He said he expected me to be angry and lash out verbally as I have done in the past which was part of why he never confided in me. I told him I have no intention of doing that because I have changed too.
At this point I am feeling sad, I cant turn to him because he is taking care of himself and cannot help me thru this.....I just think that when we have invested years in a relationship ...like many married couples...its just not right to leave unless there is absolutely no reason to stay.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Catlady,
Welcome to the forum and am so glad you have joined us for support. I'm so sorry for the painful events in your life. You are among friends. If you want to, you can start a thread about what you are going through so more people will see it and you can get good feedback. You need people who understand, and you will definitely find that here.
You wrote: "I blame myself". This deeply concerns me. This thinking can damage you. So please consider a starting a thread for Catlady so others here will find you and give you some help with that. That's what we do here!
Many blessings.
Bluejay
Welcome to the forum and am so glad you have joined us for support. I'm so sorry for the painful events in your life. You are among friends. If you want to, you can start a thread about what you are going through so more people will see it and you can get good feedback. You need people who understand, and you will definitely find that here.
You wrote: "I blame myself". This deeply concerns me. This thinking can damage you. So please consider a starting a thread for Catlady so others here will find you and give you some help with that. That's what we do here!
Many blessings.
Bluejay
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 56
Hi Catlady! I'm trying to work through that feeling of rejection at the moment...I've realized, but haven't totally come to terms with, the fact that it is necessary for him to focus solely on himself in order to progress through his recovery. Thankfully he is in AA and is making progress. I'm learning that I've never focused on being good to myself, and taking care of myself, and thats what I'm trying to learn to do now.
Actually, it took a member from SR to point out that his actions were not intended to hurt or abandon me, but he was doing the right thing by working on himself. Although he tried to explain that to me before, I couldn't accept that as a reason to leave me all alone. Hearing it from someone I didn't know, whom I hadn't spent the past 13 years trying to control (yes, another realization) made things alot clearer. I've only been viewing and participating in this site for 3 days, and I can't tell you how helpful everyone is.
So, I share that bit of learning with you..learn to focus your energy on yourself and things will become easier!
Peace
Romey
Actually, it took a member from SR to point out that his actions were not intended to hurt or abandon me, but he was doing the right thing by working on himself. Although he tried to explain that to me before, I couldn't accept that as a reason to leave me all alone. Hearing it from someone I didn't know, whom I hadn't spent the past 13 years trying to control (yes, another realization) made things alot clearer. I've only been viewing and participating in this site for 3 days, and I can't tell you how helpful everyone is.
So, I share that bit of learning with you..learn to focus your energy on yourself and things will become easier!
Peace
Romey
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 56
Today I went to my first al anon meeting. I was pretty nervous, but it was only a matter of minutes before the group made me feel completely welcome.
I am both scared and excited about taking this step. I'm scared because although day was just my first time, I can see that I will be facing alot of things about myself that I haven't had to face, much less deal with, in the past. I am excited because I know that there is a better way for me to be. By talking with 2 other people in a small group, I was able to express the reasons for coming to the meeting. What I found was that both of the others had been through the same situation, and I look forward to hearing what they have to say, and learning from their experiences.
Thanks for the encouragement everyone! I appreciate it very much!
I am both scared and excited about taking this step. I'm scared because although day was just my first time, I can see that I will be facing alot of things about myself that I haven't had to face, much less deal with, in the past. I am excited because I know that there is a better way for me to be. By talking with 2 other people in a small group, I was able to express the reasons for coming to the meeting. What I found was that both of the others had been through the same situation, and I look forward to hearing what they have to say, and learning from their experiences.
Thanks for the encouragement everyone! I appreciate it very much!
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