naive

hello everyone-

i need some help, please. i've been living in my new flat now for about a month or so and trying to get on with things and not speak to my xABF.

a week ago, he went to the island where we normally spend the summer together, camping and working the shore. it's been a relief not having him in the town but i can feel many different emotions, from feeling sorry for myself that i can't go too, to feeling angry that he's there, to depression, etc. etc.

i have been sticking to no contact and that does seem to be helping....

however, obviously, being on the island is also jogging his memory of our times there and he is calling all the time, saying i am missed, he wishes i was there.

since i have gotten caller id now (thanks to you guys) i don't answer the phone.

now, his tune is changing and he is leaving kindof angry messages, saying that we need to talk things through and i can't just never say anything again.

yesterday, he left a message saying he was coming back to town today, so i feel to ask for some support, as i don't think he's going to take no for an answer once he is physically back in town. he's also having all sorts of people calling here, like his brother asking me for the tidal charts or also, other people that i don't even know. i have not taken any of the calls.

and just as i was weakening yesterday, i received some new information that whilst i was in america about 8 weeks ago, he was texting and contacting the woman with whom he cheated on me last year.

i did not go out looking for this information, rather, this woman told it to my girlfriend. i experienced all sorts of emotions from wanting to cry to wanting to scream....i decided to just go to the shore and pick some shellfish and that calmed me down, but then i went to the pub for a drink at the end of the day and he somehow tracked me down there and started calling the pub over and over again.

i refused all calls but when i got back, there were more on my machine and now he's coming back to town tonight.

i feel so hurt and angry but i also felt that if he contacted his old lover when i was in america, that he would be contacting her again now that i'm blanking him. i struggled with this all night, as she used to be a friend of mine and is, in my opinion, also a victim of his lies and manipulations.

so, i wrote her an email this morning. i wrote her because i felt some duty to tell her of his physical violence towards me. i have mixed feelings as to whether that was right action or not, but she just split with her husband of 20 years, had a nervous breakdown and is just getting back on her feet. i really feel bitter towards her, but my conscience kept nagging at me that i had a certain responsibility to her, to at least warn her that he is a dangerous drunk because i am sure he will be calling her soon.

i would appreciate very much some counsel here, because i feel i'm in for a tough ride this weekend. i don't know whether to just lock myself in the house and wait it out or just get on with my weekend.

naive

suki44883

My advice is to just get on with your weekend. Treat yourself to something especially nice. Stay busy and don't let him rent any space in your head. If the two of you aren't married, or share children, there is no reason for you to have any contact regardless of what he thinks. Be extra nice to yourself this weekend. ((((HUGS))))

MissFixit

Naive,

I am sorry that your are being drawn into his chaos again, but it is your choice to get involved or not. I have followed your posts and it sounds like you are healthier without him IMHO.

He is stolling down memory lane right now, but it doesn't change his current state, right? My ex called from our romantic hotels spots with the OW, thinking of me. It happens, but memories don't change the present.

Do what is right for your mental and physical health.

Miss

Ceridwen

did you get a DV counsellor after the last incident? can you talk to victim support about him harrassing you to find out your options (he IS harassing you, you can

that is absolutly your right and a grown up should respect that (even if it really bugs them).

but given that he has been very violent towards you, I think some closer-to-home support might be in order as well, I'm sure people with good ideas will be along soon to help.

p.s. the range of emotions is normal, the island sounds lovely, I'm sure you miss that (although given what you've posted about his behaviour whilst there do you miss being there with him like that?)

and you loved him, however flawed he may be, however toxic that relationship was to you, and whatever you being in love with someone who treated you so badly means: your feelings were real and mourning the loss of that love is natural and real too.

(((naive)))

naive

thanks suki, missfixit and ceridwen-

i appreciate having your support and validating my feelings. yes, the island is lovely but it wasn't really lovely being there with him actually. i keep reminding myself of that, plus, that is when he took the opportunity to cheat on me last summer.

i feel really violated because one of the things that the OW said to my friend is that she was in my home with him having invited her over for dinner...i don't know why that bothers me so much but it does. i remember asking him explicitly if she was ever in our home, to which he lied no.

as for a counselor, i did speak with a DV counselor but didn't really connect with her. she did however offer me a security system, linked to the police. i hadn't moved into this new flat then and i declined because i knew i was moving soon...

i guess i will just get on with my weekend but i feel on eggshells with him arriving back...i feel like i need a plan if he tracks me down...i am resolved not to discuss anything with him, to not get drawn in...i really don't have anything to say to him at this point...why would he be bothered with my feelings now? in the past, when i tried to open discussion, he would always just tell me it was in the past and to forget it...

i was going to alanon when i was in the usa, but there is none here. i am considering going to my doctor and requesting a therapist tho...

naive

Bernadette

I agree he is harassing you. And as it builds in intensity and aggression YOU start questioning yourself!

You said you are afraid he won't take NO for an answer? Naive, if the answer is NO then stick to your guns. He is using fear and intimidation to try to break you down. Stay with No Contact. You're doing well - see if you can get his actual numbers blocked from being able to call your number - or change your phone number for heaven's sakes!!

You do not have to explain ANYTHING to this man. This is not a game. He's not even your BF anymore and you are still walking on eggshells etc?! Is it REALLY worth staying in this town?? Having to constantly watch your back is bad for your health.

Consider the Restraining order....but only if you plan to abide by it yourself.

Stay strong--
peace,
b

Chrysalis123

Maybe it would be a good idea to keep a record of all this contact, even the contact from strangers. That way, if it comes down to some type of restraining order you will have proof of his abusive tactics. Is it possible for you to change your phone number?

naive

it's close of business here today...i will look into changing my phone number tomorrow...

i agree bernadette, this is not good for my health...i'm jumpy and nervous to even walk down the street and haven't gone out of the house today.

in no way am i going to speak to him. not even about the weather.

the bad news is that he'll have gotten paid out for his shellfish today, so he will have cash which means he will get drunk tonight.

the restraining order was lifted after one month. his court date is nov. 11th.

my BT account records all calls in, so i do have that if required.

thanks everyone.

naive

CoDieNOmore

Thanks for sharing your pain.. Just the fact that you ARE doing what you know to be in your heart the right and healthy thing to do is very helpful to someone like me.

Be Well

atalose

Naïve,

A couple of things from your posts I want to touch on.

If you do not feel strong enough to stick to your no contact and you truly feel on edge having his back and so close this weekend, nothing says you can’t go stay some where else in order to allow yourself to relax. I know that saying sticking to your guns and actually doing it are two different things. Some may not agree, some may say it’s running away and it’s not fair you have to do that but I say you have to do what you have to do with what you got right now. You know you better then anyone and if you feel having him this close this soon is too uncomfortable for you then find some place to go where you can and will relax.

As for contacting the OW, well, you mentioned you felt some duty to advise her of his behavior. That really sounds to me like it’s more about control, possibly controlling an outcome of her not hooking up with him. She showed you no respect by coming to YOUR home to have dinner with YOUR boyfriend while you were away. You feel hurt by this new information you received and acted on that hurt with a lot of codependent behavior with the email. You feel bitter towards her and feel he may contact her, you can’t stop.

I say so what if he contacts her, she is a big girl making big girl decisions she’ll have to handle what ever comes her way.

I think the no contact thing is great, now you need to DETACH from him and this entire situation. Tell your mutual friend you no longer wish to hear about her or him, period!!!

laurie6781

If this continues and in all likelihood it will, take the records of the calls and messages to the police and file a "Stalking" complaint and a "Harassment" complaint.

Take care of you, be safe please.

I am sorry he is still giving you problems. Talk to the DV counselor again and request the security system she offered. It is for your protection.

We are here for you in spirit and for emotional support. Just picture all of us gathered behind you.

Ann you need to send her the "Steel Toed Pink Bunny Slippers."

Love and hugs,

naive

atalose-

yes, i totally agree with you. there is the control/codie thing with the OW but there was also a feeling of responsibility to her to know he is a violent drunk. she doesn't live in this town, so there it is unlikely she would know about the arrest. i tossed and turned about it all night, prayed to god for guidance and tried to put myself in her shoes. if i was her, i would want to know.

so yes, you are absolutely on target. both were present: codie and compassion and that battle ensued for hours last night.

in hindsight, i wish i had left it for a day or two and written here first.

naive

ItsmeAlice

You are an inspiration, naive.

Your feelings well up and you take action. You post here, you ponder, you reconsider the memories clouding your judgement.

This, to me, is a healthy state of being.

Keep working this process because it's working for you.

Those thoughts about the island seem so romantic and create a sense of longing until you stop your thinking, peel back the veil, and remember what was going on behind the scenes with him. Then the memory changes to something no so sweet and romantic, and that feeling of loss and longing disolves.

I think you're on to something when you say you wish you had waited some time before writing the OW. Give the tape time to play all the way through. I must admit though, that my desire to show compassion would also have been a sticking point, and I probably would have emailed her too. If he couldn't get a hold of you and he turned his anger to her, you would have felt guilt for not trying to warn her.

I would stay no contact for sure. How quickly his loving "miss you" attitude turned ugly when he didn't get the response he wanted. He's bound to find a reason to get ugly if he's able to get you drawn in.

Stay safe, stay on course, and keep posting. I'll be here thinking of you!

Alice

atalose

Yes, keep working the process because it is working for you!!!!

Unfortunately the flip side of wanting to inform other people about other people doesn’t always get HEARD with compassion and understanding. Rather what is heard is:……..my boyfriends ex girlfriend is crazy and now stalking me by sending me e-mails trying to break us up. Something along those lines is how its’ received no matter how important you feel the information to be, you always come across as the bad one in most cases.

Now that’s where the mutual friend could have come in handy. While this OW was telling your friend all about her adventures with your boyfriend, this mutual friend should have then relayed his abusive behavior as the cause of you no longer being involved with him.

But then again, many un-healthy woman still won’t see the red flag until it’s wrapped around there heads usually soaked in blood……….don’t mean to sound so blunt but in my experience that is when they finally see….admit….he’s abusive. Often woman do know men’s histories of violence, they assume they were only that way with other woman, and would never be like that with them………until it’s too late…..

Hay when we know better we do better……not acting out on emotions was a big one for me but like you said next time you’ll wait before acting on it. That’s good……

TakingCharge999

Yeah naive, I wanted to hang around here in the queue of people that agree you are an inspiration

My therapist told me the same, after reacting with A LOT of emotions to painful events, she told me to take a few days before doing anything to calm down. That will be my modus operandi from now on and is working well, good for you for realizing this!

atalose is so right, this mutual friend ... if she is really a friend.. could have mentioned what happened as a warning. And me too, I would also have sent that email.. honest email... just not to feel any guilt and say "I did what I could" when something happens (it will happen, it is just a matter of time, they are like timed bombs)

It is like the sticky "it won't happen to ME", until it happens. I am glad naive, you are no longer in that vulnerable position and you are totally FREE to build the life you want with people that deserve your friendship!!

Please be EXTRA nice with yourself this weekend.. I will be super nice to me too and will be sending you good vibes

ItsmeAlice

I see your point about how the message would be received. I will save that as a lesson to remember.

Like I said, I would probably walk the same path as naive if faced with the situation.

Alice

TakingCharge999

Then again... for instance, if I received an email from the ex of the new guy I am seeing, I would take it very seriously...

At least naive will be able to sleep better at night, and to me that's all that matters...
Thank you for showing different perspectives

Lilly Burn

Just to let you know that my AH left at the end of January to go to a paradise island where he has shared inherited property, we have been there together and he was going to finish rebuilding after hurricane ike, he never came back. Rang to say our marriage was over and never once got in touch for a whole 5 weeks to see if i was ok. Failed to tell me he wasnt coming back to the UK for another week more than he said to get his stuff and I flew back from Dubai to sort things out at that time, shortening my stay there....not once did he ever consider if I was coping with what he had done. For a while it was quiet once he went back to his island then he started emailing..then ringing (silent calls) then nasty message, I also got a very distressing phone call from his ex partner who took the opportunity to have a real go, so the drama still persisted for some time. Then a gap, then he started emailing my sister to ask her help as I would have to talk to him sometime. Even though Im married, a solicitor can liaise on my behalf, I do not have to talk to him, but he has managed to make me feel as if im in the wrong yet again and being childish.....No contact works for me, I dont want his justifications or an opportunity for him to make himself feel better, because I know it wont be about making me feel better. He says he still cares, if he looked the word up he would know that this simply isnt true, I certainly do. Ive also stopped talking to my sister in law who has spent time with him over the last 6 weeks, I dont want to know anything about what hes doing, who he is with..its the only thing that works for me and whilst I wonder, thats much less painful than having to go through the upset of listening to his quacking...as they say...Luckily hes not likely to come back to this town, too much of a coward but Im sticking to my guns, in a year and a half if I decide to file for divorce I will contact one of his siblings for his address and that is that....I miss him like mad, would love to understand what hes thinking but as he doesnt know himself, there is not much point and his deceit and lies before he left that I now know about keep me rock solid....no contact ever.......Lilly:

tallulah

If you are a victim of his assault and he is bailed to appear in November (that's a very long time btw.. I would wonder why isn't he being dealt with sooner).. then why haven't the bail conditions attached to his current freedom included not to come near you or contact you or have or incite any other party to contact you on his behalf?

Sounds pretty odd to me. That is standard to avoid witness intimidation with the added bonus of giving the victim breathing space because breaching the bail conditions means arrest and possible detention.

I'd give the OIC a call and tell them what is happening and how it is making you feel.

naive

i am safe and sound. a girlfriend is sleeping over tonight.

good night to all!

naive