I Need to Know ...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Hanging in there ...
Posts: 29
I Need to Know ...
I had suspicions last week that my husband was using Vicodin again, but I talked myself out of my suspicions after pretty good behavior on his part of the weekend. Last night, his behavior was really strange again. Very "happy" yet easily irritated. I am absolutely driving myself crazy with this not knowing. I may be totally off base. With bipolar, mood changes are par for the course. I am just driving myself with the not knowing for certain. If I know for certain, I guess I feel I can decide what to do. Would you advise against searching his car? I know that is where he kept his pills in the past. If he finds out I was snooping, he gets angry and defensive and says my distrust is preventing us from moving forward. I am so frustrated. I just don't know what the right thing to do is. Many have told me not to worry and just live for myself and my kids. Maybe my wanting to know is my wanting to try to make him stop. I know I am not capable of this. So why the need to know? I am probably just venting. Just feeling really lost.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
I understand the need to know fully. For ME I had to know. I did everything possible to find out. Snooping, urinalysis, etc. My mistake was that I didn't ACT on anything when I did find out. Are you prepared to ACT if you find out the truth? Or is you wanting to know only going to send you into more of a tailspin trying to fix him and stop the drug use.
Just something to think about before you know more than you're prepared to handle.
Just something to think about before you know more than you're prepared to handle.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Hanging in there ...
Posts: 29
You are right, Unhappy777. Why do I want to make myself more miserable? It is such a vicious cycle. Ugly and vicious. Two different responses, one from Callie and one from Unhappy. Both offer good points of view. That's the rub, isn't it???? I have got to find a way to focus on today, on me and my kids, and let him save/destroy himself. It's his choice, after all ... not mine.
No blatant behaviors or dangerous behaviors towards me or the kids. It is just what I deem "strange" behaviors. Guess I will remain vigilant and hope for the best. If things get bad, I will enforce my plan to have him leave this time ... not us. Prayers out to all of you.
No blatant behaviors or dangerous behaviors towards me or the kids. It is just what I deem "strange" behaviors. Guess I will remain vigilant and hope for the best. If things get bad, I will enforce my plan to have him leave this time ... not us. Prayers out to all of you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Man - I'm SO SO SO proud of you - for asking before doing. THAT is huge! I totally would be driving myself crazy snooping. And you know what? THAT is my issue!!!!
But then I have to ask myself...... so what IF it is pills? Then what? It just turns the focus on the artificial substance - when what I am really dealing with is the "actions" of a real life person!
SO - I have to tell myself to focus on myself and even *try* to focus less on what he is doing.
Man - addiction brings out so many ugly character defects in me. I look back and cringe on all that I have said and have done in the name of active addiction.
Because he is asking for your trust..... I'd try really hard to not snoop - not unless there was a consequence I was going to follow thru with if I were to find something.
Gosh - I know how you are feeling. It's crazy making.
But then I have to ask myself...... so what IF it is pills? Then what? It just turns the focus on the artificial substance - when what I am really dealing with is the "actions" of a real life person!
SO - I have to tell myself to focus on myself and even *try* to focus less on what he is doing.
Man - addiction brings out so many ugly character defects in me. I look back and cringe on all that I have said and have done in the name of active addiction.
Because he is asking for your trust..... I'd try really hard to not snoop - not unless there was a consequence I was going to follow thru with if I were to find something.
Gosh - I know how you are feeling. It's crazy making.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Hanging in there ...
Posts: 29
Thanks, Abundance. We all just have to keep on keeping on! Just knowing others are also struggling with the same issues makes me not feel so alone. I really appreciate all of the support SOOO much!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
One of my favorite books--"It's Not Okay to be a Cannibal"--is written by two men... a recovering heroin addict and a recovering cocaine addict.
And they both advocate for the FAMILY, not the addict, and they say that while the addict is in recovery, the family has every right to remain vigilant and to GO TO WAR against the addiction if there are signs the addict is active again. (This would mean, of course, carrying through consequences).
I would check the usual hiding places, but only if my motive was that I intended to get myself away from him if he was active again. It would be about me, not about him.
I hope it all turns out okay for you.
And they both advocate for the FAMILY, not the addict, and they say that while the addict is in recovery, the family has every right to remain vigilant and to GO TO WAR against the addiction if there are signs the addict is active again. (This would mean, of course, carrying through consequences).
I would check the usual hiding places, but only if my motive was that I intended to get myself away from him if he was active again. It would be about me, not about him.
I hope it all turns out okay for you.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
for me - I wanted to know for sure because then I could verify that I was NOT crazy.
I'm sure your A's all deny use - just like my ex did and it made me doubt my own sanity and ability to know truth from fiction. By finding proof it was like I felt sane, I could confront him with hard core evidence - but then even with hard core evidence - he would still deny, say it wasn't his, blah, blah, quack quack quack.
So under the suggestions of some really great experienced Al-Anons - when I felt the overwhelming need to search -I started praying
"God, I know you will let me know what I need to know, when I need to know it. AND I don't need HIS validation to know YOU can restore me to sanity. It doesn't matter what I find or say to him - he is not ready to deal with his problem, please help me heal from mine."
I would pray, read literature, scrub the walls, walk, do whatever to keep myself busy and not do that searching and making my life more chaotic. After a while - it does become a little easier - that urge will hit you and you will hear yourself say "Oh wait -hmm I don't live that way anymore - regardless of what they do"
AND YOU will have a BIG BIG SMile on your face!!!!
Remember - Progress not Perfection - You may search today, but someday somehow - it won't matter whether you find it or not - It matters what you do to make your life Happy, Joyous and Free!!!!
HUGS,
Rita
I'm sure your A's all deny use - just like my ex did and it made me doubt my own sanity and ability to know truth from fiction. By finding proof it was like I felt sane, I could confront him with hard core evidence - but then even with hard core evidence - he would still deny, say it wasn't his, blah, blah, quack quack quack.
So under the suggestions of some really great experienced Al-Anons - when I felt the overwhelming need to search -I started praying
"God, I know you will let me know what I need to know, when I need to know it. AND I don't need HIS validation to know YOU can restore me to sanity. It doesn't matter what I find or say to him - he is not ready to deal with his problem, please help me heal from mine."
I would pray, read literature, scrub the walls, walk, do whatever to keep myself busy and not do that searching and making my life more chaotic. After a while - it does become a little easier - that urge will hit you and you will hear yourself say "Oh wait -hmm I don't live that way anymore - regardless of what they do"
AND YOU will have a BIG BIG SMile on your face!!!!
Remember - Progress not Perfection - You may search today, but someday somehow - it won't matter whether you find it or not - It matters what you do to make your life Happy, Joyous and Free!!!!
HUGS,
Rita
learning to live for me
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: East Coast, US
Posts: 215
If you need that confirmation, then be safe, but check it out. But, you and I both know that it is going to drive you CRAZY either way. I always found that I was better off not snooping. If I found something, it made my heart race and I got "my fix". If I didn't find anything, depending on the addict's behavior I was either remorseful or MORE determined to find out and prove myself "right". Why did I need physical evidence to trust MYSELF?
I look back now and I realize that for me, if I am in a relationship where there is so little trust and so much suspicion that I would feel the need to snoop and spy...then SOMETHING is going on that isn't positive or healthy for me, and finding a bottle or a pipe or a burnt soda can isn't going to give me anymore "go ahead" than I already have within me.
I am learning to trust my own instincts. I've learned that I am a smart woman and that the nature of addiction is to spin us upside down and backwards until we doubt ourselves. WE are NOT the USERS! But we're doubting us!
How sick addiction is. WOW.
It was easier for me to focus on my recovery when I want to snoop.
Same goes for nowadays. I'm not in a relationship with my ex but I still get the urge to txt his brothers for the inside scoop. They were always a quick fix on the downlow.
But now, I do my best day by day to resist the urges and instead pick up some recovery literature and a highlighter.
WOW my codieness is definitely an addiction...I sound like a crackhead. HAHA.
I look back now and I realize that for me, if I am in a relationship where there is so little trust and so much suspicion that I would feel the need to snoop and spy...then SOMETHING is going on that isn't positive or healthy for me, and finding a bottle or a pipe or a burnt soda can isn't going to give me anymore "go ahead" than I already have within me.
I am learning to trust my own instincts. I've learned that I am a smart woman and that the nature of addiction is to spin us upside down and backwards until we doubt ourselves. WE are NOT the USERS! But we're doubting us!
How sick addiction is. WOW.
It was easier for me to focus on my recovery when I want to snoop.
Same goes for nowadays. I'm not in a relationship with my ex but I still get the urge to txt his brothers for the inside scoop. They were always a quick fix on the downlow.
But now, I do my best day by day to resist the urges and instead pick up some recovery literature and a highlighter.
WOW my codieness is definitely an addiction...I sound like a crackhead. HAHA.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 267
I understand completely the urges to KNOW. I still want to know... just know so that I know I am not being unfair in my inability to believe him... just know so that I know which plan to be working on.... but to be TOTALLY honest part of me just wants to know!!! I have to fight with myself every day not to snoop... sometimes I win & sometimes I dont.
Hope to you that you find some peace.
Hope to you that you find some peace.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Hey there hopeful....
There used to be a time where I 'snooped', then I hit a brick wall, and decided that I didn't need to.
The time came where my gut was enough evidence for me, and with all the hell he put me through, I don't care if it's 'unfair' if I'm disbeliving of him.
I've been with him while off the pills, and I know the minute he's takeing them again.
I know when he answers his dang phone, and how he addresses me -- if pills are controlling the conversation, or if they are on a leave of absence.
Recently I had a 'change' in his behavior, and I started wondering, 'how much' - if it had increased, or if there were a different doc involved now......
I started to consider 'snooping'. Then I decided why bother.
Bottom line for me is, what was I going to do with that information, in all honesty?
Was I going to have an "AH HA! I caught you, NOW your doing this??" conversation with him?
Was I looking to say to myself, "See, here's PROOF that you should leave him, talk to him, beg him, bla bla bla"?
Nothing would change.
NONE of it matters frankly.
Let's look at it this way. If a man had cheated on a woman and got caught. And after she can't trust, does it mean he is still cheating? Maybe. Maybe not. The point is the WOMAN would have to decide for herself, if living with him, with a rocky foundation of trust is worth it to her. SHE would have to decide if his love is enough to stick it out, and her gut would have to direct her- if she were willing to CHANCE having that kind of hurt happen again.
Sorry if I rambled --- but for me, there is no use in snooping. And believe me, my eyes are NOT wide shut.
I just frankly don't care anymore.
When the time is right, I will move on. Until then, there is great peace in slowly letting go. Letting go of chaseing him, letting go of guilt, fear, and suspicion. Soon, I will let go completley.
Again, I think it's a process - in my experience.
Hugs,
Cessy
There used to be a time where I 'snooped', then I hit a brick wall, and decided that I didn't need to.
The time came where my gut was enough evidence for me, and with all the hell he put me through, I don't care if it's 'unfair' if I'm disbeliving of him.
I've been with him while off the pills, and I know the minute he's takeing them again.
I know when he answers his dang phone, and how he addresses me -- if pills are controlling the conversation, or if they are on a leave of absence.
Recently I had a 'change' in his behavior, and I started wondering, 'how much' - if it had increased, or if there were a different doc involved now......
I started to consider 'snooping'. Then I decided why bother.
Bottom line for me is, what was I going to do with that information, in all honesty?
Was I going to have an "AH HA! I caught you, NOW your doing this??" conversation with him?
Was I looking to say to myself, "See, here's PROOF that you should leave him, talk to him, beg him, bla bla bla"?
Nothing would change.
NONE of it matters frankly.
Let's look at it this way. If a man had cheated on a woman and got caught. And after she can't trust, does it mean he is still cheating? Maybe. Maybe not. The point is the WOMAN would have to decide for herself, if living with him, with a rocky foundation of trust is worth it to her. SHE would have to decide if his love is enough to stick it out, and her gut would have to direct her- if she were willing to CHANCE having that kind of hurt happen again.
Sorry if I rambled --- but for me, there is no use in snooping. And believe me, my eyes are NOT wide shut.
I just frankly don't care anymore.
When the time is right, I will move on. Until then, there is great peace in slowly letting go. Letting go of chaseing him, letting go of guilt, fear, and suspicion. Soon, I will let go completley.
Again, I think it's a process - in my experience.
Hugs,
Cessy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
At the time my "wanting" to know was because I too wanted to prove that I wasnt crazy and that I WASNT imagining the things that were happening around me.
NOW, looking back, for me, it was all about CONTROL. If I could prove to myself that I wasnt crazy and that I knew he was snorting his prescribed meds then I could either CONVINCE him or FIX him to make him stop. I wanted to do whatever it took to MAKE him stop.
To me, that is what it all boils down to not being able to control something. If you know, then you feel somehow like your in control, because at least you know you are right.
Today I dont feel the need to be right. I TRUST myself enough to know that I dont need to see something with my own eyes. If something isnt right it just isnt right. Doesnt really matter to me if its drugs or whatever.
The place I am at today took me A LONG time to get here. So dont fret if your not there yet. Again, I too saw my need to see with my own eyes as confirmation that I wasnt crazy.
Thats why this whole path is filled with MADNESS. I remember those days of standing out by the bathroom door waiting to hear him sniff so I could barge in and say AHA I knew you were SNORTING your pills.
NOW, looking back, for me, it was all about CONTROL. If I could prove to myself that I wasnt crazy and that I knew he was snorting his prescribed meds then I could either CONVINCE him or FIX him to make him stop. I wanted to do whatever it took to MAKE him stop.
To me, that is what it all boils down to not being able to control something. If you know, then you feel somehow like your in control, because at least you know you are right.
Today I dont feel the need to be right. I TRUST myself enough to know that I dont need to see something with my own eyes. If something isnt right it just isnt right. Doesnt really matter to me if its drugs or whatever.
The place I am at today took me A LONG time to get here. So dont fret if your not there yet. Again, I too saw my need to see with my own eyes as confirmation that I wasnt crazy.
Thats why this whole path is filled with MADNESS. I remember those days of standing out by the bathroom door waiting to hear him sniff so I could barge in and say AHA I knew you were SNORTING your pills.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Hanging in there ...
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by Japic05 
So under the suggestions of some really great experienced Al-Anons - when I felt the overwhelming need to search -I started praying
"God, I know you will let me know what I need to know, when I need to know it. AND I don't need HIS validation to know YOU can restore me to sanity. It doesn't matter what I find or say to him - he is not ready to deal with his problem, please help me heal from mine."
I would pray, read literature, scrub the walls, walk, do whatever to keep myself busy and not do that searching and making my life more chaotic. After a while - it does become a little easier - that urge will hit you and you will hear yourself say "Oh wait -hmm I don't live that way anymore - regardless of what they do"
AND YOU will have a BIG BIG SMile on your face!!!!
"God, I know you will let me know what I need to know, when I need to know it. AND I don't need HIS validation to know YOU can restore me to sanity. It doesn't matter what I find or say to him - he is not ready to deal with his problem, please help me heal from mine."
I would pray, read literature, scrub the walls, walk, do whatever to keep myself busy and not do that searching and making my life more chaotic. After a while - it does become a little easier - that urge will hit you and you will hear yourself say "Oh wait -hmm I don't live that way anymore - regardless of what they do"
AND YOU will have a BIG BIG SMile on your face!!!!
Wow. I don't even know what to say right now. I am so completely overwhelmed by the love and support from all of you. I absolutely love what was said above. Thanks for that! I just came to the decision this morning prior to reading all of your posts that I would just let him be ... that he will eventually make it very evident if he is up to something. Also decided that if that happens and I decide I can't deal with this any longer, HE will be the one who leaves. I will not uproot my children again and turn their lives upside down because of HIS problem. I am a person of great faith, but I can't believe how faithless I can be sometimes. This disease causes me to somehow think I have to come up with all of the answers on my own. How foolish.
Turning to this forum and finally talking to my mom about what has been going on over the last year has freed me. No more "keeping everything just between you and me" and driving myself crazy with those feelings of isolation. Perhaps I am making some sort of progress. I pray that I am.
I am going to really try to work hard on my own happiness and that of my kids from now on. My mom told me something this morning, and I hate hearing it. "You haven't been truly happy in a long time, honey." And the truth is I haven't. I don't recognize myself sometimes. I am not the same person I used to be. I hate it. I am going to work on changing that.
Thanks again to all of you. Huge hugs!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by cassandra2
At the time my "wanting" to know was because I too wanted to prove that I wasnt crazy and that I WASNT imagining the things that were happening around me.
NOW, looking back, for me, it was all about CONTROL. If I could prove to myself that I wasnt crazy and that I knew he was snorting his prescribed meds then I could either CONVINCE him or FIX him to make him stop. I wanted to do whatever it took to MAKE him stop.
NOW, looking back, for me, it was all about CONTROL. If I could prove to myself that I wasnt crazy and that I knew he was snorting his prescribed meds then I could either CONVINCE him or FIX him to make him stop. I wanted to do whatever it took to MAKE him stop.
So are you saying that looking back now you admit to yourself that you were lying to yourself about your reasons? Or that your reasons had deeper meanings than you wanted to admit to yourself?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
I can identify with everyone here.
I don't think the reason I want to know is control though. But that's just ME.
The reason I want to know is that if he is using then I can tell him to leave. The other reason I want to know is that our AS and his two children are living here with my husband and I. I want to know because I don't want him to say, for example, get in the car and drive my grandchildren anywhere while under the influence. This is just an example because right now he doesn't have a valid driver's license or car that runs so is taking the bus everywhere. I also don't want to go out and have to worry that he is alone with the children. Right now, that isn't a concern because I don't think he is using. I'm just throwing out some other reasons why someone would want to know. If there are children involved then I think that is also a valid reason.
KariSue
I don't think the reason I want to know is control though. But that's just ME.
The reason I want to know is that if he is using then I can tell him to leave. The other reason I want to know is that our AS and his two children are living here with my husband and I. I want to know because I don't want him to say, for example, get in the car and drive my grandchildren anywhere while under the influence. This is just an example because right now he doesn't have a valid driver's license or car that runs so is taking the bus everywhere. I also don't want to go out and have to worry that he is alone with the children. Right now, that isn't a concern because I don't think he is using. I'm just throwing out some other reasons why someone would want to know. If there are children involved then I think that is also a valid reason.
KariSue
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
