nowwhat

I am really hurting, really struggling. My XABF has a new girlfriend. He found her within days of our relationship ending. He has jumped in head first, from what I understand.

I knew our relationship needed to end, I was so unhappy, it was so unhealthy.

It hurts me so much that he has someone new that I can hardly bear it.

I really want to know that if he showed up at my front porch pledging undying love and commitment I wouldn't even answer the door.

But.

I also know that if he DID that, today, I would go right back into it. I guess I could see this as God's protection (he isn't coming back). I KNOW I don't want a painful relationship. I KNOW he is terribly unhealthy and that I have been too.

I just don't understand why I am so jealous, why it hurts so much. I have never been in this situation before.

Freedom1990

My EXAH quickly moved on to someone else too. It hurt like hell. In hindsight, God did for me what I could not do for myself. Even though I moved over 2 hours away from him intentionally, and knew I couldn't continue the marriage, it was hard.

Grief is a process, with lots of emotions.

Be gentle with yourself. :ghug :ghug

tallulah

:ghug

I'm sorry you are going through this. I have no contact with my ex or anyone who can tell me about him so I don't know what is going on with him or what he is doing.. and tbh I'm pretty grateful for that. Who knew that his tendancy to keep me at arms length from his life and the people in it would work out for the best in the long run huh.. lol.

I think it is pretty normal to have those pangs.. so don't beat yourself up.

You do know that this is no reflection on you don't you? And you do know that simply because he has found another person does not mean he is 'better' or has suddenly become a fabulous guy to have a relationship with?

Be gentle with yourself..

Seren

:ghug3 Nowwhat, I'm so sorry to hear about the pain you are feeling.

When I was obsessed and in pain about one particular old boyfriend, I found it really helpful to journal through the pain. It also helped me to think that the world is filled with interesting and kind people I had not met yet.....future friends, future acquaintances, perhaps.....someday.....future loves......

Please be kind to yourself. Extra hugs! HG

nowwhat

Yes, and I know they are as doomed as we were. I also know they are enjoying high romance, excitement, sex, and a whole lot of intensity, while I am alone, crying, having a terrible time eating, not sleeping, and basically feeling completely rejected and unworthy.

It's pure jealousy. I imagine it's akin to a recently dry A being jealous of people who are still drinking and escaping reality. I am definitely addicted to my X and even though he hurts me terribly and damages me, I miss the high. I don't miss the "hangovers."

Very nice, thank you. I am journaling, working through a relationship inventory and on paper can see that this was a devastatingly painful relationship. I can't even come up with anything positive, other than having attention and expensive experiences and gifts. Not even things I value, really, since what I THINK I want is emotional connection and intimacy. Though wonder why I've never been attracted to an emotionally available man.

I'm sad and feeling terribly damaged.

atalose

I am sorry you are hurting and one day you will see and feel this as a blessing. Getting to that day may be a little bit of a struggle but that day will come.

Being jealous of this other person and the relationship he now has is normal, it’s part of the grieving. I think we feel they are having “that great” relationship we so longed for. I read a response on here a while ago about this same issue. The response was something like this:………don’t get upset thinking he will be different with a different woman, your assuming the other woman is just like you and has the same needs as you. Maybe the other woman doesn’t need to feel respected like you do, maybe the other woman needs to be with someone who is selfish and unavailable to her. Imagining his relationship with her is like yours only better is fruitless. Two people bring two unique sets of needs, attitudes and behaviors to a relationship.

You are in a healthier place in life then either one of them. Keep reminding yourself of that. I do know it hurts and you are entitled to feel that hurt, learn from that hurt and work through it so you come a stronger more in-dependent woman……..

nowwhat

I have a very dark fear that I was the unhealthy one all along, and that the X has moved on with a healthier, more together person.

I know that if she really is those things--she will not fall in love with him, or if she does, she will eventually be just as damaged by the relationship with him as I was. Or, even worse to imagine, she will be healthy enough to leave him and he will pine away over her like I'm pining over him. I wanted to think he would be upset about breaking up with me, not just turning the conveyor belt on high speed and continuing with his sick, patterned behavior. Somehow if he were as heartbroken I as I am, it would make me feel legitimized, validated.

God, I really am out of control.

FunnyOne

My therapist told me that self absorbed people stay in a relationship that feeds their ego, needs, wants and desires because that's what is important to them - THEM! When you begin to change, to require something back, something more, then you are not filling their needs in the same manner. So, they move on to the next source of ego supply, eventually the cycle repeats itself. They will always move on quickly becuase they don't know how to look within for their happiness, it always has to come from external sources. She will no doubt be history after a while, or miserably stuck in the exhausting task of meeting his needs....what's to be jealous of? That?

I know how it hurts, but for me, I realize I miss the illusion of the fantastic relationship I had, the reality is that it was an illusion.

Take some time to remember what the reality was, and take care of yourself.

tallulah

I KNOW that if I were in your shoes I would be thinking exactly the same thing. That's the power of conditioning. But the good thing about all those little bombs he has laid in your path... they can be diffused with therapy, Al-anon, SR, talking and working it through.

nowwhat

Funny One, that was exactly what I needed to read. I have already worked all that out, too, but I need constant reminders.

It was always all about HIM. Even the beginning, which seemed like it was about US, was really his way of securing my supply.

His behavior is totally predictable--now that I know what to look at. I was unaware of this dynamic before this relationship. I just figured people usually mean what they say, and don't act excessively romantic and committed unless it's the real thing.

I guess now that I know better, I can do better.

It's still quite a puzzle to me why ending a terminal, emotionally draining relationship seems even more difficult than ending a basically healthy one that has run its course. Baffling! WTH? It's like missing cancer when it's in remission.

GiveLove

There is a deep inner need that your old relationship fed. We can't know what it was -- only you can know that (and it may take some digging, past the "first right answer").

Just because he's gone doesn't mean that need goes away.

And just because you identify the need doesn't mean you should go ahead and try to fill it with someone else -- it may be a very unhealthy need that will take time and therapy to defuse.

I had an on-again, off-again relationship for many years with a man like your X. I knew it wasn't healthy, but every time we were apart and it looked like he'd taken up with someone else, I felt deep, abiding jealousy that consumed me. Consumed me so much that I would enter full-bore competition mode in order to get him back.

So, uh, yeah, I kinda get what you feel

It took a lot of time and unravelling to get at what was driving me....be patient with yourself and do WHATEVER IT TAKES to find what lies at the core of this. I absolutely positively could not have done it without counseling. I couldn't "think my way out of it" as was discussed on another thread. And idle time was the enemy - always.

Nowwhat, you can be okay again. Know that this is just a room you're passing through (and having trouble leaving LOL)

Sending you hugs and strength this morning

TakingCharge999

OK I know I will be writing a book here...

Oh nowwhat, I feel your pain. I struggled so much, when the exact same thing happened to me 6 bumpy months ago. I have known no other pain worse than that one ((hugs)) I am very sorry you are going through this.

It is such a perfect way for self torture, thinking he is suddenly this great man (LOL) someone else is enjoying. As if there was a time warp where they went to AA, a counselor, kept clean and sober for 20 years, made ammends, went out of denial and worked on themselves enough to love themselves and know what a mature relationship looks like and now live it, all in a matter of a week or a month LOL

You more than anyone else know how reality is like. Please remember all what he did wrong. It will happen again. It is not bad wishing. It is what happens. History is bound to repeat itself, when the root issues are not tackled.

Addiction is a relationship disease. Addiction cannot survive without enablers. Leave your ex in a deserted island and he would stop drinking. They need someone to validate themselves, to save them from the effects, to resent the consequences instead of them -just as you did-, to drive; to drink with them so 'everybody does it' and they are on the clear; to wash the bathroom after a particulary bad binge, to call the company and tell the boss they are "sick", to pay for rent, to cry for them, because they cannot bear to do so, to mask their unhappiness and make it all appear good and normal, to make them feel valuable when they feel worthless inside.

Alcoholics use people. "Stop being surprised" as they say. You want more from life (I will bump a very useful thread called "another view on rejection" or something similar, hope you can see it

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ink-about.html

) ...than being used by a selfish diseased child hidden in a grown man's body.

Alcoholics run and hide / this is what he is doing. You cannot control his alcoholism.

It is only naturally there he goes seeking someone else that will put up with everything and more, in the sake of "love". The love you seek has nothing to do with that, nowwhat.

I never thought my pain subsided... but well, fast forward 6 months later, I am really happy for the most part, the ocassional trigger or really bad day, but things look much much better. And I work/interact with ex AH, have seen ex AH, or ex Ah with new gf, almost daily. We are neighbors so I also see their car, run into them in the Blockbuster, etc. so believe me if I can feel well even when "he is/they are all around me" you can, too!!

Also.. my inner work had an unexpected reward.

I met a new guy.

I hated to hear this when I was in your shoes, but its true. I would like to tell you how it feels to hug someone and feel you are finally home in his arms... know you will never be alone, ever again and you are respected, valued, cherished... to have exactly what "ex and new gf" are having (passion, intimacy, excitement, plans).. with the difference that it is real and there are no addictions involved, that this is not a set up for addiction to crawl in slowly and painfully, that this is not a damp full of crocodiles seemingly tranquil... before WHAM!! there goes the verbal abuse, the binge, the walking on eggshells, the bad mood, the escalating violence, the blaming, and all that madness.

Please seek AA/Alanon, counseling, friends, reach out, cry and kick and journal...

I always share this link, it reminds me of what the game was really about:
Dependency - Relationship

Please get all your feelings out, do not store anything inside, this too shall pass ((hugs)) now I know it was not that I lost the love of my life, I just gained wisdom to be able to recognize love when I see it... love for myself and love for life and now love for someone else... now that you are in HP's hands and more will be revealed.

Your experience was valid, YOU are valid, your feelings are valid, what anyone else does or not does not lessen your value at all, stop believing that.

You'll get through this, I promise

laurie6781

How about changing that statement to say:

My XABF has a new ENABLER.

So, he has found someone new. Whoop tee do. He has found someone that doesn't know him yet. That probably drinks like he does. So ............................ now he has found someone that is 'just as self will run wild as he is." What a 'roller coaster' that is going to be ................................. sure not my type of ride and I am sure not yours either.

Some times if we put a teeny little different perspective on the situation, we can see the 'reality' of it.

I say bad for her, but good for you. Now she can have all the MENTAL and EMOTIONAL ABUSE, and you can continue with working on you and finding your own PEACE and SERENITY.

I understand your hurt. Just remember this if you can, he is not the man you THOUGHT he was, nor is he the man YOU WANTED HIM TO BE.

Please keep working on you and keep posting about you and how you are doing as we do care so very very much.

Love and hugs,

nowwhat

Therapy breakthrough yesterday: I actually emoted during the session. Cried, ranted, talked about my insecurities, talked about wanting to do grief work, inner child work, etc.

This is seriously important. I have seen therapists on and off for years, but all I ever do is sit there very controlled, very rational, and spout my "intellectual understanding" of everything that's going on.

We are going to work on grieving and self-care and examining how family of origin issues have affected me and WHY my picker is broken instead of my sitting there trying to outwit the therapist with my smarts.

Irony abounds: I am actually starting "therapist school" next week to become one myself. My new therapist says that they actually WANT people who aren't afraid of their emotions, aren't too "left-brained" and have been through Stuff. I was thinking I'm probably too damaged, that everyone would see through me and my heady affect, and I would be rejected from the program. My therapist says it's actually a plus to have had issues and to be willing to work through them. She said when she was going through the program, they told her she needed to access her feelings and try to develop the emotional side.

I don't know if what I just wrote makes sense, but since this is sorta my online journal, I wanted to put it out there.

gowest

it all makes perfect sense. I've been reading your posts for a while and you really could be me.

It is almost weird
Just so you feel less alone, I have 154 unsent emails in my drafts folder to the ex(r)ABF.

I will say that one thing my therapist and I discovered is that some of the areas I really need to examine are the ones where my language changes from the "intellectual" to something else.

For example, while discussing my mother at one point I described the way I felt as "yucky". My therapist laughed kindly. Pointing out that my usually articulate self had left me and the only word I had to express my feelings was "yucky".

I've noticed that the areas where I need to examine my emotions the most are "shown" to me by my loss of ability to be super articulate and examine the situation. So when you are journaling/thinking you might want to keep an eye on the areas where your words fail you.

Startingover2

I have been and still am in the throws of hurt and jealousy since my exah moves from woman to woman instead of getting his life together for his family. I hurt myself by snooping and have worked hard in the past few weeks to not do that.

TakingCharge said it good! "Addiction is a relationship disease. Addiction cannot survive without enablers. Leave your ex in a deserted island and he would stop drinking. They need someone to validate themselves, to save them from the effects, to resent the consequences instead of them -just as you did-, to drive; to drink with them so 'everybody does it' and they are on the clear; to wash the bathroom after a particulary bad binge, to call the company and tell the boss they are "sick", to pay for rent, to cry for them, because they cannot bear to do so, to mask their unhappiness and make it all appear good and normal, to make them feel valuable when they feel worthless inside.

Alcoholics use people. "Stop being surprised" as they say. You want more from life (I will bump a very useful thread called "another view on rejection" or something similar, hope you can see it"

Its not about you...its about him!

TakingCharge999

Hi nowwhat! I am really glad you are ready for the big stuff, you will reap the benefits of the hard work the rest of your life!! its wonderful you will be able to help others.

In my last therapy session I cried a little and felt like an idiot LOL we are still in the very logical aspects of it, I think I prefer for her to give me "homework" and then I feel more ease crying, kicking, etc. alone at home

gowest, that "yucky" word... my therapist said something similar, about events that happen when we are too young to even know words to express how we feel... thus we cannot talk about what we felt and all that is stored in our subconscious and memories we do not visit often....

I am glad I am not alone

nowwhat

I am really, really afraid to discuss my mother at any length in therapy. It's too yucky.

That part about words failing seems very insightful to me.

Words have always been very, very important to me. So much so that I have focused exclusively on them in my relationship(s) and haven't even considered this whole idea of actions matching them.

I have trusted words. I love words. I don't even know how to imagine a reality where they lose their meaning and I have to ignore them. I don't even know where to begin with that.