Just want someone to talk to
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 140
Just want someone to talk to
I went to an alanon meeting tonight, the weird thing is that I hadn't planned on it. It just kind of fell in my lap.
I've gone before to other alanon meetings and frankly, I just didn't really get any relief or piece from them.
But tonight was different.
The room was different, I wasn't exspecting much, wasn't exspecting anything to be quite honest.
I've pretty much given up, on finding anykind of answers or relief.
But as I mentioned tonight was different, the thing that strikes me most is the peace in the room. The timing of the meeing, and the circumstances to which i went.
One thing that sticks in my mind is this one thing that this one women said.
She said......ALL I NEED TO KNOW IS THAT THERE IS A GOD, AND IM NOT IT.
This just meant so much to me.......about control of course. Letting go.
I mean do we really think we can out do God.
And you can also turn it around, for those people that think they want to control your life or having over bearing oppionions.
and say,...ALL I NEED TO KNOW IS THERE IS A GOD, AND YOUR NOT IT.
funny.
but it made a difference for me.
I've been separated from my husband for almost a year.
And he's sat in our home and continued to drink, while I've pretty much blocked him from my mind.
I've delayed anykind of legal decision, because i still can't bear to complettly let go of hope. Oh I've told myself, Im moving on, and I've tried.
And I have been moving forward.
And I have tried not to get sucked into the hope of him getting help.
But once again.....he sucked me in and gave me the hope and made me want to go home so dam bad it made me sick to my stomach.
He called and said he was going to church, and he did, he called and said he went to the Dr. and he did. He called and said he was sober and he was for one week. He called and said he was going into an intake appointment for a 21 day program and he did.
And he stayed sober all week, and I tlked to him sober and he asked me if there was any hope.
And as much as it hurt me to even think of having hope, I said yes....
and I took my mind there again, to the dream world of getting my life back. Having my home back, having my family back. Having my husband back.
Having my gardens back, having my world back.
And I felt happy and hopeful and I thought omg..he's going to church.....let go and let God........
and maybe it's working, maybe his prayers are working.....
then at the end of last night.....he called and he was plastered drunk again.
I cried, and cried and I cried, and I broke down again and I mourned again.
And all the pain and anguise and hope died inside me again.
And I felt so stupid.
And then the reality of my new life hit., the reality that I can never go home again.
Hit me....
And once again he sucked me in and once agian i believed in him.
Because I so desparatly want to go back home......
I so desperatly miss having someone love me.....
And I realized that I have absolutly no control over it, and I can't have what i so desparatly want.....
And apart of me died,
I've gone before to other alanon meetings and frankly, I just didn't really get any relief or piece from them.
But tonight was different.
The room was different, I wasn't exspecting much, wasn't exspecting anything to be quite honest.
I've pretty much given up, on finding anykind of answers or relief.
But as I mentioned tonight was different, the thing that strikes me most is the peace in the room. The timing of the meeing, and the circumstances to which i went.
One thing that sticks in my mind is this one thing that this one women said.
She said......ALL I NEED TO KNOW IS THAT THERE IS A GOD, AND IM NOT IT.
This just meant so much to me.......about control of course. Letting go.
I mean do we really think we can out do God.
And you can also turn it around, for those people that think they want to control your life or having over bearing oppionions.
and say,...ALL I NEED TO KNOW IS THERE IS A GOD, AND YOUR NOT IT.
funny.
but it made a difference for me.
I've been separated from my husband for almost a year.
And he's sat in our home and continued to drink, while I've pretty much blocked him from my mind.
I've delayed anykind of legal decision, because i still can't bear to complettly let go of hope. Oh I've told myself, Im moving on, and I've tried.
And I have been moving forward.
And I have tried not to get sucked into the hope of him getting help.
But once again.....he sucked me in and gave me the hope and made me want to go home so dam bad it made me sick to my stomach.
He called and said he was going to church, and he did, he called and said he went to the Dr. and he did. He called and said he was sober and he was for one week. He called and said he was going into an intake appointment for a 21 day program and he did.
And he stayed sober all week, and I tlked to him sober and he asked me if there was any hope.
And as much as it hurt me to even think of having hope, I said yes....
and I took my mind there again, to the dream world of getting my life back. Having my home back, having my family back. Having my husband back.
Having my gardens back, having my world back.
And I felt happy and hopeful and I thought omg..he's going to church.....let go and let God........
and maybe it's working, maybe his prayers are working.....
then at the end of last night.....he called and he was plastered drunk again.
I cried, and cried and I cried, and I broke down again and I mourned again.
And all the pain and anguise and hope died inside me again.
And I felt so stupid.
And then the reality of my new life hit., the reality that I can never go home again.
Hit me....
And once again he sucked me in and once agian i believed in him.
Because I so desparatly want to go back home......
I so desperatly miss having someone love me.....
And I realized that I have absolutly no control over it, and I can't have what i so desparatly want.....
And apart of me died,
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
I'm so sorry for what you are going through, Sally. ((((HUGS))))
Who knows why it's sometimes just one small statement out of thousands of words that strike a chord within us. I'm just grateful that you got something that made a difference.
Who knows why it's sometimes just one small statement out of thousands of words that strike a chord within us. I'm just grateful that you got something that made a difference.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Huxley, Iowa
Posts: 3
Anyone could probably write you a reply as long as a book, but when it all comes down to it in the end all that can be said is be strong. Be strong for yourself and for your dreams but most importantly for yourself. My husband is also an alcoholic and narcotic addict as well and it's so very hard to deal with. I may be the completely wrong person to write to you, but I just wanted to let you know I feel like you do. I want my life back as well, but sometimes life changes and throws curve balls you never expected you'd have to deal with and you are forced to play the game. I know it sounds stupid but I have a note on my fridge that says "Just Breathe" (told you it sounded stupid) it helps me to see that. Maybe if you have something that helps you get through the day you should put it out in the open where you can see it from time to time. My husband and I arent currently seperated so I'm still in the middle of the fight. I spoke to someone who gave me the same advice that I'm trying to give you, and I wouldn't bring it up if i didn't believe it. Please hang in there *hug*
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Sally, My heart hurt as I read your post. I ached for you both, and wanted so much to destroy the thing that has done this to him, to you, to your home, your family, your gardens. It is a devastating and tragic life.
I have been nearly three years apart from the man I love--a heroin addict--and every night when I go to bed I think of him and in the morning as I make my tea I think of him. And it has been three years.
I still think death is easier to recover from. We understand death. We can descend into grief and somehow the natural world brings us back up again.
But with the slow erosion of addiction, we suffer much more. It is so hard to suffer the death of someone who is still alive, and to want nothing more than to live with that person in love and in the simple pleasure of being together and enjoying this beautiful planet.
I'm so sorry, honey.
I have been nearly three years apart from the man I love--a heroin addict--and every night when I go to bed I think of him and in the morning as I make my tea I think of him. And it has been three years.
I still think death is easier to recover from. We understand death. We can descend into grief and somehow the natural world brings us back up again.
But with the slow erosion of addiction, we suffer much more. It is so hard to suffer the death of someone who is still alive, and to want nothing more than to live with that person in love and in the simple pleasure of being together and enjoying this beautiful planet.
I'm so sorry, honey.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Oh Sally.. :ghug Your post actually made me cry.
I want so badly to go home and just be what I had hoped we could be.. just a normal, loving couple.. but I can't and when I think of that my heart gets so heavy and sad.
I get angry with myself for allowing him back in time and time again.. as you said, with every broken promise, with every pull towards him and push away, a little piece of me died until there was very little left. I let that happen.. because I loved him and I didn't love myself enough.
I agree with bluejay.. I think death is easier in some ways. It is final. Living with an addict is a slow, painful separation with glimpses of what might or could be. It is torture.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. But know that you are not alone.
I want so badly to go home and just be what I had hoped we could be.. just a normal, loving couple.. but I can't and when I think of that my heart gets so heavy and sad.
I get angry with myself for allowing him back in time and time again.. as you said, with every broken promise, with every pull towards him and push away, a little piece of me died until there was very little left. I let that happen.. because I loved him and I didn't love myself enough.
I agree with bluejay.. I think death is easier in some ways. It is final. Living with an addict is a slow, painful separation with glimpses of what might or could be. It is torture.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. But know that you are not alone.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Sally
This morning my thoughts are with you. I hope one day, your grief subsides and your heart is full of compassion, for him but most importantly for yourself.
So far I am just thankful I got the strength to move away for good / seeing the progression is very,very hard. I thought I would never feel this way, but there are some little moments where I just remember the good him, and see what he has done and who he is now (totally different, still drinking, still denying of course) and instead of feeling angry... I start feeling thankful, because when I met him he was still a good person, and I could share beautiful moments with him. And I really believe I carry the best parts of him in me, so in that sense... he is still alive...
I agree 100% with the poster above, death brings some sense of peace and finality, which we do not have
and its truly an exercise of faith to be able to accept it all has to be this way.
All the best to you in your recovery ((Sally))
This morning my thoughts are with you. I hope one day, your grief subsides and your heart is full of compassion, for him but most importantly for yourself.
So far I am just thankful I got the strength to move away for good / seeing the progression is very,very hard. I thought I would never feel this way, but there are some little moments where I just remember the good him, and see what he has done and who he is now (totally different, still drinking, still denying of course) and instead of feeling angry... I start feeling thankful, because when I met him he was still a good person, and I could share beautiful moments with him. And I really believe I carry the best parts of him in me, so in that sense... he is still alive...
I agree 100% with the poster above, death brings some sense of peace and finality, which we do not have
and its truly an exercise of faith to be able to accept it all has to be this way.All the best to you in your recovery ((Sally))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Welcome Sally, I'm so glad you reached out for support. I am also sorry for your anguish. I don't know if you believe in God or not, but I came upon this today and it helped me. Maybe it will help you.
"In the Bible, when Elijah was despondent, God gave him a strategy to deal with it. God's first instructions were, "Get up and eat." First things first. You have to take care of the basics in your life. Then you can formulate a plan to move forward from there.
"An angel touched him and told him, 'Get up and eat!' He looked around and saw some bread baked on hot stones and a jar of water! So he ate and drank and lay down again. Then the angel of the LORD came again and touched him and said, 'Get up and eat some more, for there is a long journey ahead of you.' So he got up and ate and drank, and the food gave him . . . strength" (1 Kings 19:5-8 NLT)."
:ghug3
"In the Bible, when Elijah was despondent, God gave him a strategy to deal with it. God's first instructions were, "Get up and eat." First things first. You have to take care of the basics in your life. Then you can formulate a plan to move forward from there.
"An angel touched him and told him, 'Get up and eat!' He looked around and saw some bread baked on hot stones and a jar of water! So he ate and drank and lay down again. Then the angel of the LORD came again and touched him and said, 'Get up and eat some more, for there is a long journey ahead of you.' So he got up and ate and drank, and the food gave him . . . strength" (1 Kings 19:5-8 NLT)."
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Sally,
I'm there too. I know how you feel. Keep going to the meetings, reach out to your support group, I just spent a hour on the phone with my mom.
Remember that "this too shall pass" and to "let go and let god" and keep "first things first"
We'll get through this.
Hugs,
Teggie
I'm there too. I know how you feel. Keep going to the meetings, reach out to your support group, I just spent a hour on the phone with my mom.
Remember that "this too shall pass" and to "let go and let god" and keep "first things first"
We'll get through this.
Hugs,
Teggie
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
sally-
you are very effective in you communication...i bleed with you as i read your words...
what we need to accept is that they are addicts. it will get worse. i know, it's hard to swallow but we MUST accept this basic fact. we are not goin to have a life of enjoying life's wee pleasures with them...things like being together, a good conversation, taking joy in the children, harvesting the garden...
it really is time to accept things as they are, rather than what we visualize in our heads.
i hope you keep posting.
naive
you are very effective in you communication...i bleed with you as i read your words...
what we need to accept is that they are addicts. it will get worse. i know, it's hard to swallow but we MUST accept this basic fact. we are not goin to have a life of enjoying life's wee pleasures with them...things like being together, a good conversation, taking joy in the children, harvesting the garden...
it really is time to accept things as they are, rather than what we visualize in our heads.
i hope you keep posting.
naive
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 56
Sally
I read your post today and it literally made me cry. After 13 years of a relationship, I'd finally had enough of his heavy drinking, and mental and physical abuse(so I'm a slow learner!).
About two months ago my partner drank himself into oblivion (which was happening, on average, 4 times a week) and embarrassed himself, me and my friends during a birthday party. The bad thing was he doesn't remember any of it! I broke up with him the next day, and he immediately went into an AA program.
After I got over the initial anger and embarrassment of the events on my birthday, I realized how much I miss and love him, and wish we could be together again...however impossible that may be.
It makes me happy that he is seeking help, but I realize that I am fed up with babysitting a grown man, apologizing for his behavior, and making excuses for his mistakes. I know that I don't trust him at all, and don't know that I'll ever find that trust for him again.
Still, even knowing that, it just kills me when I see him because I miss him, I miss love, I miss being "married" as it were. I know your pain, and I feel it, and I hope you realize you are doing the right thing!
Peace
I read your post today and it literally made me cry. After 13 years of a relationship, I'd finally had enough of his heavy drinking, and mental and physical abuse(so I'm a slow learner!).
About two months ago my partner drank himself into oblivion (which was happening, on average, 4 times a week) and embarrassed himself, me and my friends during a birthday party. The bad thing was he doesn't remember any of it! I broke up with him the next day, and he immediately went into an AA program.
After I got over the initial anger and embarrassment of the events on my birthday, I realized how much I miss and love him, and wish we could be together again...however impossible that may be.
It makes me happy that he is seeking help, but I realize that I am fed up with babysitting a grown man, apologizing for his behavior, and making excuses for his mistakes. I know that I don't trust him at all, and don't know that I'll ever find that trust for him again.
Still, even knowing that, it just kills me when I see him because I miss him, I miss love, I miss being "married" as it were. I know your pain, and I feel it, and I hope you realize you are doing the right thing!
Peace
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Ugh, don't you hate it when you are having a wonderful time and then it is ruined by someone else's drinking? And all the good memories or good times before that moment, get erased magically? And you can no longer revisit the good memories because it is all a painful reminder of the drinking.
As painful as it is, I am no longer willing to be around those people. I need to relax and to enjoy a party and be safe and sure my good memories will be from the start to the end, and I will arrive home happy, will clean my face and take off my makeup, put my pijamas, sleep and wake up the next day with a smile.
Anything less, no thanks....
We are with you (((Sally)))
As painful as it is, I am no longer willing to be around those people. I need to relax and to enjoy a party and be safe and sure my good memories will be from the start to the end, and I will arrive home happy, will clean my face and take off my makeup, put my pijamas, sleep and wake up the next day with a smile.
Anything less, no thanks....
We are with you (((Sally)))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1
Sally,
I can’t even tell you how many times I have read your post. I SOOOOOO feel your pain. I want to go home so bad and it breaks my heart that I can’t and really won’t ever be able to.
I have been separated from my AH for 3 months. This is our 2nd separation in our 2 year marriage. February 2008 I moved home to my parents house for a month when his drinking just got out of control. He went to rehab, I came back and we bought a new house together that we both loved. It turned out he was drinking the entire time in rehab and the last year was hell - periods of drinking, not drinking, apologizing, lying, embarrassing and humiliating incidents, the standard alcoholic behavior. I moved out in early March and have not seem him since. We’ve barely spoken and he has told a mutual friend that he is trying to be “respectful” and leave me alone because he has already caused me so much pain. He is still drinking, of course…
Logically I can say that I know he has a disease and that it’s not about me. But my heart has such a hard time believing that he is letting our life go, that he won’t fight for us. I don’t understand how he can live in our house without me, without our dogs and be ok with that. I can’t believe our marriage means so little to him. It breaks my heart that he can just walk away. I think the hardest part is letting go of the life we could have had, the life we “should” have had together.
I will be doing really well for a few days and then it will just smack me like a ton of bricks – our life together is over, my house is not my house anymore, the man who had tears in his eyes when he married me does not want me.
Today the attorneys our working out the final parts of our separation agreement and I am going to have to sign our house over to him soon. I just can’t believe this is really happening, that he is really going to make me do this. I know I moved out and I know it was the right thing to do, there was no choice. I just can't believe he is choosing this miserable addiction over love and a nice life.
Your post has really helped me – I have been trying to Let go and let God. One good thing is that this whole lovely mess has really made focus on trusting God again, something I am sorry to say I got away from over the past few years. I keep repeating your line – there is a God and you’re not it. It does help. I know this is out of my control and there is nothing I can do about this.
I just wanted to thank you for your post and I hope you are doing ok.
I can’t even tell you how many times I have read your post. I SOOOOOO feel your pain. I want to go home so bad and it breaks my heart that I can’t and really won’t ever be able to.
I have been separated from my AH for 3 months. This is our 2nd separation in our 2 year marriage. February 2008 I moved home to my parents house for a month when his drinking just got out of control. He went to rehab, I came back and we bought a new house together that we both loved. It turned out he was drinking the entire time in rehab and the last year was hell - periods of drinking, not drinking, apologizing, lying, embarrassing and humiliating incidents, the standard alcoholic behavior. I moved out in early March and have not seem him since. We’ve barely spoken and he has told a mutual friend that he is trying to be “respectful” and leave me alone because he has already caused me so much pain. He is still drinking, of course…
Logically I can say that I know he has a disease and that it’s not about me. But my heart has such a hard time believing that he is letting our life go, that he won’t fight for us. I don’t understand how he can live in our house without me, without our dogs and be ok with that. I can’t believe our marriage means so little to him. It breaks my heart that he can just walk away. I think the hardest part is letting go of the life we could have had, the life we “should” have had together.
I will be doing really well for a few days and then it will just smack me like a ton of bricks – our life together is over, my house is not my house anymore, the man who had tears in his eyes when he married me does not want me.
Today the attorneys our working out the final parts of our separation agreement and I am going to have to sign our house over to him soon. I just can’t believe this is really happening, that he is really going to make me do this. I know I moved out and I know it was the right thing to do, there was no choice. I just can't believe he is choosing this miserable addiction over love and a nice life.
Your post has really helped me – I have been trying to Let go and let God. One good thing is that this whole lovely mess has really made focus on trusting God again, something I am sorry to say I got away from over the past few years. I keep repeating your line – there is a God and you’re not it. It does help. I know this is out of my control and there is nothing I can do about this.
I just wanted to thank you for your post and I hope you are doing ok.
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