CALYNN

Hey all, I've been posting here for a couple weeks. I detoxed myself (it worked out okay). I decided to wean myself off - again it worked out okay.

I've been drinking on and off (every 2 or 3 days & a lot less than I was drinking). So, that's been good. I feel better than I have in a long time.

So on to today. I did a bunch of good things for my family and short story is I felt like I deserved something - crap! So, I bought and drank some wine.

Does anyone else have experience with this? I am so bummed that I turned to my usual crutch (wine), instead of just being happy that I was able to help someone else out. Ugh...

Any suggestions on how to avoid that in the future? I am disappointed in myself because I don't want to "expect something for me" when I do something good for someone else. Is it just my alcoholic mind talking?

Any suggestions/comments are welcome.

Thank you!

C

suki44883

Cutting down only prolongs the agony. Many of us have tried it because we just didn't want to face the fact that we just can't handle alcohol. Cutting down may work for a short period of time, but sooner or later, you'll overdo it, or drink when you didn't plan to. It's time to make a decision to either be a drinker or bite the bullet and do whatever it takes to become a non-drinker.

SurviveIt

I spent 13 years "cutting down" and moderating my intake. It kept me relatively healthy for an alcoholic, but if you're an alcoholic it creeps up on you and at some point you'll have to admit to yourself that you're drinking way more than you should.

It's a lot easier to kick the demon out of the club than it is to dance with it. That's what I've found.

OZboy

Don't be dissapointed,we know what your going thru and understand....
The cravings do ease 1 day at a time...lol

Dee74

I'm not a fan of the weaning either. Never worked for me. It's like punching more holes in a leaky boat to let the water out IMO.

As for the rationalisations? I could have rationalised for the Olympics - any reason...good or bad....was a reason to drink for me.

From this side of the fence I can see that I had to admit I was an alcoholic and admit that alcohol was not good for me in any quantity - if I really need to reward myself today, I choose things that won't end up killing me.

Don't be too hard on yourself tho Calynn - you're neither fish nor fowl at the moment - you're 'kinda sorta almost not drinking'....which if you're an alcoholic means pretty much zip...it always always, without fail, led me back to full on drinking.

That's not to downgrade your efforts, I've followed your posts since you've got here - but like Suki says it's probably time to think about it and make a solid decision to go for some sober time?

D

Ananda

well..i tried to not drink several times the 8 years i was last active. And i've watched others do 3 days sober 1 week drunk or some variation there of.

What i saw in others soooo clearly, and then came to see in my own past when i really looked at it is....

Why on earth would i do that!!! I mean it is like going through the pain of withdrawal over and over and over...it seems so crazy now...yep i did it, but i never really saw that that is what it was..i was'nt really getting sober, i was reexpereince detox repeatedly...and it scked

Maybe think about that the next time you feel tempted???

Gypsy Feet

Just for clarity, is your "weaning" suppose to eventually lead towards you quitting? If you are considering quitting, I will tell you sooner is better than later. I waited until my child was 21, a drinker now herself, who had to endure many nights of both of her parents slobbering drunk.

Quitting while your children are young lets you look back when they are grown and know that at least you did that right.

Waiting until they are old enough to have suffered, and you will always wonder "what if"

Sweets79

Hi Calynn,

I honestly don't think weaning is a good idea. I personally, don't think there is such a thing. I've thought about cutting down at times, but I don't believe it works that way. Inevitably, I will just keep drinking. When I hear weaning I think of Anti-depressants, stuff like that, but not with alcohol. If you want to stop, you really do have to bite the bullet and not pick up a drink. It's hard as hell, but I can't see doing it any other way.

Wolfchild

Total and complete abstinence is the only thing that has ever worked for me.

Zencat

In the past I have gone the harm reduction (HR) rout. Meaning I sought treatment and stayed in treatment all the wile putting as much time between my use. Eventually I was able to put longer and longer episodes of clean time between my use, as total abstinence was my goal, again all the wile in active addiction treatment.

As pointed out by other SR members that was not their modality to achieving long term sobriety. It was however, HR was an option for me and it worked. I hope you can find what works for you and share that experience here at Sober Recovery .

shaun00

i like Dee's leaky boat......good parable.

I can only share my experience.....i tried many times to limit my drinking..

I also tried changing drinks.........changing venues.......changing wifes.....changing countrys......etc

The faster i ran the worse it got......until i reached a point where total abstinence was the last option...

Unfortunately AA wouldn't teach me to drink like a man...lol

BUT it did offer a program of recovery.....

there i started to live life.....a new life.......contented not drinking.

unrelated but.....

i got in tonight to another love letter from my wife intitled..."to do list"

lol...lol....think about that for a minute............she has total faith that when i get up i wont be drinking and can do some choirs...

ain't that something.........she watched while alcoholism took me very close to death........now i have her trust that i wont be drinking today.

She has as much faith in god...AA and the twelve steps as i do.

for me it was the only way.....i tried all the others.

trucker

CALYNN

Dee - the Olympics?! That is too funny!!! And you're right about the kinda sorta almost not drinking. That wasn't the plan though. My plan was to wean myself off just to get past the detox, then stop completely. That works fine when I don't leave the house, hence the days in between drinking. I think my car has a mind of it's own - as soon as I get in it, it's on autopilot and heads for the liquor store. Yeah, that's good - blame the car...

Clearly my plan isn't working. I can't stay in the house for the rest of my life & I can't afford a new car.

I was hoping (and still have some hope) that when the AD kicks in I'll do better. It's only been 5 days & so far I don't feel any different.

CALYNN

Hi - the weaning was only supposed to get me through the self-detox. I wasn't meant to be a long term plan. Isn't working out that way though. Yep, I need to stop completely...

CALYNN

Yep, the weaning was just to get through the detox. Luckily, I don't have any children. I grew up with alcoholic parents and I know the suffering that goes along with that.

CALYNN

I've been able to stay healthy too by taking every vitamin/supplement known to man to try to minimize the damage. The flip side of that is that I don't feel bad (physically) after drinking, which doesn't help with quitting. I wish I was one of those people that got terrible hangovers, but I'm not...

CALYNN

Thanks. I'm looking forward to sharing my recovery story too. Hopefully, sooner than later...

Tazman53

I do, I spent at least 5 years doing that, what it resulted in was me becoming physically addicted to alcohol and for the next 5 years not drawing a sober breath and having to be medically detoxed.

Well I can tell you what worked for me, I totally quit drinking once I got into detox, then I got my butt into AA and followed suggestions.

What do you HONESTLY think? That is your answer! I only stay sober by being brutally honest with myself, no rationilizing or justifying, no excuses, no blaming any one or anything.

gerryP

Well the good news is that you know it's Whacked thinking.

This is the time we all arrived at, where we had to take a long hard look at ourselves in the cold, hard, light of day and ask ourselves?

Self?... Whaddaya want for your life?

What's...it....gunna be?

Bamboozle

Hello, C. I've done that before.


I give myself rewards now, but not alcohol. Cooking is what I do...I make myself a very tasty meal or a bad-for-me dessert.

It's okay to give yourself a treat. It's important to find a good replacement for the booze. Eat some good food, or use the money you would spend on alcohol to buy a movie...something like that. Maybe go to a park. I'm sure you can think of something. Don't beat yourself up. Pick yourself up and keep moving forward.

tsukiko

I remember reading this (auto)biography of the band 'The Libertines' and at one point Peter Doherty (one of the singers / guitarists in the band) says how he came out of prison clean and left his band mate and best friend (Carl Barat) to go 'treat' himself for his achievements; He went and bought crack and heroin.

When I read this it instantly struck a chord. Way into adulthood we still feel the need to reward ourselves when we've done something good.

I used to reward myself with drugs / drink too.

Even sobriety, ironically, was a reason to get high. You've gone a month...celebrate: go score.

It's perfectly logical actually when you think addicts don't use logic like nonaddicts. Addicts rely on junkie logic, which inverts or manipulates sober logic.

I think, personally, the trick is to replace the reward with something more positive. Doing good is great in itself, but humans always want more or recognition. Rather than trying to deny myself and tell myself good is it's own prize, which I am now begining to actually feel, earlier on I replaced the reward.

I'd take a book out of the library I'd been wanting to read or get some food stuff I really liked, but rarely ate because it was more expensive. Sometimes I'd reward myself with a trip out to one of my favourite places, like a Gallery or Museum etc. If I hadn't the money I'd reward myself with a few hours between work (when I'd using be cleaning, exercising or doing paperwork) and I'd play music or write or paint etc.

Sounds very simple and maybe even patronising. But I had to realise that when I got clean that it was in bab steps. An important part of recovery for me has been replacing negative thought patterns, tendancies or impulses on a simple level. And doing this has helped me to intergrate back into society. When I do something enjoyable now it doesn't involve hiding myself away with a bottle or sitting on the fringes waiting on a dealer. It involves actively participating in social and artistic behaviours which I can share with others.

Just an idea, anyhow.