I have to communicate sometime!
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 96
I have to communicate sometime!
My AH left me at the end of January this year after 7 years, in a very horrible way - via phone call from abroad. I sorted out all his things, most of which he gave to charity and he moved abroad for however long. I have chosen not to communicate with him, in particular because it protects me from him and Ive found out such awful things since he left that I dont see any reason to talk to him. We dont have children and when we divorce, I know it can be done via a solicitor after 2 years that will be, so in the meantime, I dont want to hear his excuses and he is only trying to make himself out to be a good guy, justify, explain his behaviour which is unjustifiable and unexplainable... Anyway, he has left silent messages (i knew it was him because he kept coughing), then he left me a horrible message, then he had emailed me, I changed my email address so he emailed my sister a month ago wanting to know how I was but not to tell me he had been in touch with her..this to my sister who is also my closest ally and support and he knows it. He has been in touch again this week saying could she help him because I would have to communicate sometime and his emails to me are returned. My sis sent a response this time (she didnt bother last time) saying she didnt want to and could not get involved and had to respect my wishes. He emailed back saying he understood and thanks for replying. I dont know what he is trying to do, I dont see any reason to talk at all. He may have had to with his ex partners/wives (yes Im third to get this treatment), but there were children. He finally cant control me, or more importantly blame the "kill joy" as he described me to others for his drinking or how his life is turning out. Every time he tries to get in touch, I get such horrible feelings in the pit of my stomach. Its been over 4 months, Im trying to get my life back together. He has left me many times in the past and always threatened to leave. I was as Ive said in another thread, the provoker, but I did my best to save our marriage and make him happy, for which i was betrayed, treated with great disloyalty, lied to, decieved oh it goes on and now he thinks I should talk to him. Can anyone explain/understand this or been through similar with their alcoholic. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Lillyxx
Lillyxx
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
"He has left me many times in the past and always threatened to leave. I was as Ive said in another thread, the provoker, but I did my best to save our marriage and make him happy,..."
He's had failed relationships before you, his relationship with you has been on and off with you being the one to save things each time. It sounds like he's out of his element now that you have cut off contact with him. He was able to manipulate your emotions by action or by talking a good game before, he has no way to do that at this point, and he's lost.
They say "nothing changes if nothing changes." Well, you've made a change, a big one, and things are changing for the better for you. For him, not so much.
I know I am doing right by myself when my ABF gets rattled. In his world (the world of alcoholism) life is about his needs, his emotions, and his drinking. He gets rattled when my life becomes about me.
Stay strong. Keep posting.
Alice
He's had failed relationships before you, his relationship with you has been on and off with you being the one to save things each time. It sounds like he's out of his element now that you have cut off contact with him. He was able to manipulate your emotions by action or by talking a good game before, he has no way to do that at this point, and he's lost.
They say "nothing changes if nothing changes." Well, you've made a change, a big one, and things are changing for the better for you. For him, not so much.
I know I am doing right by myself when my ABF gets rattled. In his world (the world of alcoholism) life is about his needs, his emotions, and his drinking. He gets rattled when my life becomes about me.
Stay strong. Keep posting.
Alice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 96
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. It all makes me sometimes feel as if Im the one in the wrong for not letting him contact me, but why should I, he didnt contact me for 5 weeks after he left, not even an are you alright! My world was also all about him, his needs, emotions, where he was in the merrygoround of drinking...Ive felt a bit lost without the drama so I suppose he might too...still I would have thought he had better things to think about and do on his paradise island than try to get me to talk to him, just what about, well i can only imagine...he wants me to think its all ok, he didnt do any wrong..he told people that I was fine about it at the time...which he knows is rubbish but he can think everything into a shape that suits him. Thanks again and I will keep at it...Im sure other people divorce without having to talk..perhaps hes missing the dog!! At least Im feeling more angry and less upset, which is a step further than the pure grief ive felt over these last 4+ months. Thank you again, Lilly.
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