when and how to draw the line
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: lake charles, LA
Posts: 4
when and how to draw the line
Hello everyone,
I am new to this forum and I am taking in information as quickly as possible. In the meantime, I am hoping that I can get some advice here with respect to my current situation.
Before starting, I will give a little bit of history. I am a 44 y.o. adult child of a highly functioning alcoholic father. Two years ago, I ended a 16 year marriage that had been covertly emotionally abusive, a very insidious type of abuse. I remarried soon after my divorce was final and I now know that I have significant co-dependence issues as a result of my upbrining. My husband is a loving and kind man who lost his wife of 21 years to breast cancer. I knew, however, that it was too soon for me and that I had not yet recovered.
During our 1 year "courtship," I observed that he often drank excessively, and I questioned him about having a problem with alcohol. I told him that I did not want a marriage surrounding alcohol abuse. He assured me that he did not have a problem and promised that it would never be a problem. Despite my gut instinct that he had a problem, I proceeded with the marriage. Guess how many times I have reminded him of that promise since we married a year ago??
He does not believe or see that he has a problem, despite the fact that he seldom has less than a 6 pack when he is drinking. I decided this weekend to keep track - he had just over 6 beers on Fri., Sat. and Sun. Last night, I told him that I had had enough and that he needed to make a choice, me or the alcohol.
He apologized to me this morning for "disappointing me." But I'm not disappointed. I simply want my husband to quit "checking out." I love the sober man. And although he is not abusive when he is drinking, unlike many alcoholics, his thinking and actions are altered and I find it repulsive (very similar to my father), not to mention the harm he is inflicting on his body and brain.
He is highly functioning and has an excellent work ethic. He never goes to bars, nor does he take drugs. He simply will not stop once he has started and he doesn't realize how much he has consumed in a short amount of time. He is significantly overweight and believes that due to his size, he can drink more than others, and thus, his drinking is not a problem. He thinks that I just want to take this "pleasure" away from him.
I am currently in therapy for co-dependence, both individual and group, and I am working on my own issues with growing up in my family of origin. I love my husband and he's a good man, but I don't want this life for myself. I am not "stuck" with him in any way, other than my commitment to him when I married him.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I am new to this forum and I am taking in information as quickly as possible. In the meantime, I am hoping that I can get some advice here with respect to my current situation.
Before starting, I will give a little bit of history. I am a 44 y.o. adult child of a highly functioning alcoholic father. Two years ago, I ended a 16 year marriage that had been covertly emotionally abusive, a very insidious type of abuse. I remarried soon after my divorce was final and I now know that I have significant co-dependence issues as a result of my upbrining. My husband is a loving and kind man who lost his wife of 21 years to breast cancer. I knew, however, that it was too soon for me and that I had not yet recovered.
During our 1 year "courtship," I observed that he often drank excessively, and I questioned him about having a problem with alcohol. I told him that I did not want a marriage surrounding alcohol abuse. He assured me that he did not have a problem and promised that it would never be a problem. Despite my gut instinct that he had a problem, I proceeded with the marriage. Guess how many times I have reminded him of that promise since we married a year ago??
He does not believe or see that he has a problem, despite the fact that he seldom has less than a 6 pack when he is drinking. I decided this weekend to keep track - he had just over 6 beers on Fri., Sat. and Sun. Last night, I told him that I had had enough and that he needed to make a choice, me or the alcohol.
He apologized to me this morning for "disappointing me." But I'm not disappointed. I simply want my husband to quit "checking out." I love the sober man. And although he is not abusive when he is drinking, unlike many alcoholics, his thinking and actions are altered and I find it repulsive (very similar to my father), not to mention the harm he is inflicting on his body and brain.
He is highly functioning and has an excellent work ethic. He never goes to bars, nor does he take drugs. He simply will not stop once he has started and he doesn't realize how much he has consumed in a short amount of time. He is significantly overweight and believes that due to his size, he can drink more than others, and thus, his drinking is not a problem. He thinks that I just want to take this "pleasure" away from him.
I am currently in therapy for co-dependence, both individual and group, and I am working on my own issues with growing up in my family of origin. I love my husband and he's a good man, but I don't want this life for myself. I am not "stuck" with him in any way, other than my commitment to him when I married him.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
If you don't want this life for yourself, then why did you marry him despite what your gut told you?
You need to define your boundaries, ones that you are willing to be consistent with, else they don't matter.
This may be as good as it ever gets with your husband. Can you accept that?
He obviously feels there is no problem with his drinking.
If by some chance he does quit because you gave him the choice of you or the alcohol, he may very well become resentful.
The only person you can change is you, and it sounds like you are doing the work on that in therapy.
Personally I can't and won't live with a practicing alcoholic. Been there, done that, got that t-shirt and am not expanding my wardrobe anymore!
You need to define your boundaries, ones that you are willing to be consistent with, else they don't matter.
This may be as good as it ever gets with your husband. Can you accept that?
He obviously feels there is no problem with his drinking.
If by some chance he does quit because you gave him the choice of you or the alcohol, he may very well become resentful.
The only person you can change is you, and it sounds like you are doing the work on that in therapy.
Personally I can't and won't live with a practicing alcoholic. Been there, done that, got that t-shirt and am not expanding my wardrobe anymore!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Welcome. I'm sorry you are realizing the truth of your situation. He may continue this way for many many years, as Freedom said, and your repulsion will continue to grow. So thank goodness you are getting help, because you'll need to FACE the reality of your marriage and eventually you'll need to take action. He will do everything possible to protect his drinking.
Just a reminder to be protective of yourself, and don't assume he's sober everytime you get in the car with him behind the wheel. He is probably drinking more than you think. And lying more than you know.
Good luck and please feel welcome here.
Just a reminder to be protective of yourself, and don't assume he's sober everytime you get in the car with him behind the wheel. He is probably drinking more than you think. And lying more than you know.
Good luck and please feel welcome here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: lake charles, LA
Posts: 4
"If you don't want this life for yourself, then why did you marry him despite what your gut told you?"
I will eventually get to this specific issue in therapy. I am acutely aware of my past actions and behaviors and how detrimental I have been to myself. When you are carrying around a mass quantity of shame, you react and respond out of shame, making very poor decisions, even when you know the decision is wrong. I am working very hard to break this cycle and if I have to walk away from this man, I will walk away. I just don't trust my decision making yet (not near enough) and need to look at all angles of my relationship with this man and not be too "reactive." If there is no hope of us recovering together, then I think I should walk away now before investing anymore in this relationship.
I will eventually get to this specific issue in therapy. I am acutely aware of my past actions and behaviors and how detrimental I have been to myself. When you are carrying around a mass quantity of shame, you react and respond out of shame, making very poor decisions, even when you know the decision is wrong. I am working very hard to break this cycle and if I have to walk away from this man, I will walk away. I just don't trust my decision making yet (not near enough) and need to look at all angles of my relationship with this man and not be too "reactive." If there is no hope of us recovering together, then I think I should walk away now before investing anymore in this relationship.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by heybonzachick 
"If you don't want this life for yourself, then why did you marry him despite what your gut told you?"
I will eventually get to this specific issue in therapy. I am acutely aware of my past actions and behaviors and how detrimental I have been to myself. When you are carrying around a mass quantity of shame, you react and respond out of shame, making very poor decisions, even when you know the decision is wrong. I am working very hard to break this cycle and if I have to walk away from this man, I will walk away. I just don't trust my decision making yet (not near enough) and need to look at all angles of my relationship with this man and not be too "reactive." If there is no hope of us recovering together, then I think I should walk away now before investing anymore in this relationship.
I will eventually get to this specific issue in therapy. I am acutely aware of my past actions and behaviors and how detrimental I have been to myself. When you are carrying around a mass quantity of shame, you react and respond out of shame, making very poor decisions, even when you know the decision is wrong. I am working very hard to break this cycle and if I have to walk away from this man, I will walk away. I just don't trust my decision making yet (not near enough) and need to look at all angles of my relationship with this man and not be too "reactive." If there is no hope of us recovering together, then I think I should walk away now before investing anymore in this relationship.
As far as the two of you recovering together, how do you work on a marriage when one is an active alcoholic?
Just some food for thought.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I was in a state of hopelessness for a long time because I defined who I was by the relationships I continued to seek.
How can we be our best selves, whether in a relationship or not, if we don't even know what our genuine self is?!
You have already started the journey in seeking self through therapy. That speaks of hope in and of itself! Now whether the future holds continuation of this marriage or not, I don't know. What I do know is you are taking positive steps.
:ghug :ghug
How can we be our best selves, whether in a relationship or not, if we don't even know what our genuine self is?!
You have already started the journey in seeking self through therapy. That speaks of hope in and of itself! Now whether the future holds continuation of this marriage or not, I don't know. What I do know is you are taking positive steps.
:ghug :ghug
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
It's for him to decide if he has a problem with alcohol or not. It's for you to decide if you can live with what you see as a drinking problem.
Obviously he doesn't think he has a problem, so you're left to decide if you can live with it.
Keep working on you - that's all any of us can do
Obviously he doesn't think he has a problem, so you're left to decide if you can live with it.
Keep working on you - that's all any of us can do
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Congratulations on all you're doing...
Although most of us come here seeking distinct actions we can take to "fix" our alcoholic loved ones, eventually we realize that the only thing we can truly control is ourselves and our experience of life. As we focus on that, the issue of our alcoholic loved ones transforms and (often) improves.
What I'm saying is please do continue on your journey of discovery, and be open to wherever it takes you. I too am the daughter - in my 40's - of a high-functioning alcoholic father, and I made similar choices to yours when it came to relationships. It was through steps exactly like the ones you're taking that I finally found solid footing in life, and stopped doing things that ended up bringing me suffering.
Do this for YOU and only you. Don't do it so he'll see and magically change. It's not that alcoholics never seek recovery - it's just that we can't force them there through some magical combination of words and deeds. That really doesn't exist.
In addition to counseling, journaling, and a lot of inner work, I also found a great deal of help in local face-to-face Al-Anon meetings, where I built a support network on the ground that helped me through the most difficult times. You might consider trying this too.
So glad you found us!! :ghug
- to better understand yourself
- to understand your past choices, including the one that brought you to this place
- to really get your head around whether this marriage is good for you
Although most of us come here seeking distinct actions we can take to "fix" our alcoholic loved ones, eventually we realize that the only thing we can truly control is ourselves and our experience of life. As we focus on that, the issue of our alcoholic loved ones transforms and (often) improves.
What I'm saying is please do continue on your journey of discovery, and be open to wherever it takes you. I too am the daughter - in my 40's - of a high-functioning alcoholic father, and I made similar choices to yours when it came to relationships. It was through steps exactly like the ones you're taking that I finally found solid footing in life, and stopped doing things that ended up bringing me suffering.
Do this for YOU and only you. Don't do it so he'll see and magically change. It's not that alcoholics never seek recovery - it's just that we can't force them there through some magical combination of words and deeds. That really doesn't exist.
In addition to counseling, journaling, and a lot of inner work, I also found a great deal of help in local face-to-face Al-Anon meetings, where I built a support network on the ground that helped me through the most difficult times. You might consider trying this too.
So glad you found us!! :ghug
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