your tips and advice please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 3
your tips and advice please
Hi Everyone
I am hoping I can drain your heads for any tips or advice on how to help an alcoholic partner become sober?
In what ways have you all been there for your respective partners in supporting them and helping them to get sober?
any tips and advice will be appreciated...
many thanks
I am hoping I can drain your heads for any tips or advice on how to help an alcoholic partner become sober?
In what ways have you all been there for your respective partners in supporting them and helping them to get sober?
any tips and advice will be appreciated...
many thanks
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
The best 'help' that I can be to anyone in my life is by working a program of recovery for myself, and not to interfere with what they are/aren't doing.
You didn't cause your partner's alcoholism, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
An excellent starter book for you to read would be "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I would also encourage you to find Alanon meetings in your area and start attending on a regular basis. Alanon was a lifesaver for me, and taught me how to focus on myself and stay out of my AD's 'stuff'.
You didn't cause your partner's alcoholism, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
An excellent starter book for you to read would be "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I would also encourage you to find Alanon meetings in your area and start attending on a regular basis. Alanon was a lifesaver for me, and taught me how to focus on myself and stay out of my AD's 'stuff'.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
YOU cant help them get sober. They have to do that work themselves. You can be supportive if they are doing the work, but nothing you can do will make them sober.
Get to Alanon if you can. Get the book that Freedom suggested too.
Keep posting! This place has been a lifesaver for me.
Get to Alanon if you can. Get the book that Freedom suggested too.
Keep posting! This place has been a lifesaver for me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: still getting there
Posts: 33
Chester,
That's what I've been trying to do for the last week. He quit drinking (so basically was detoxing) and looked at the alcoholics forum and other things online for 2 days!! Big deal. Said he would go to a meeting but didn't. By the 5th day I have been walking on eggshells. I might p--- him off and cause him to drink. That's where we are today, the 7th day. Said he couldn't do it without my support, but blamed me for every little thing until he had to go to the bar today. He was drunk by noon.
I hope you have better luck. You are in a good place to get the support YOU need.
That's what I've been trying to do for the last week. He quit drinking (so basically was detoxing) and looked at the alcoholics forum and other things online for 2 days!! Big deal. Said he would go to a meeting but didn't. By the 5th day I have been walking on eggshells. I might p--- him off and cause him to drink. That's where we are today, the 7th day. Said he couldn't do it without my support, but blamed me for every little thing until he had to go to the bar today. He was drunk by noon.
I hope you have better luck. You are in a good place to get the support YOU need.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Peak District UK
Posts: 21
startingover is right,you can't help them,they have to find their own reasons to quit and nothing you can do or say will change that,sorry to be harsh but i found this out by going the long way round just to end up at the start,my helping my wife just extended her drinking career and now i realise that she will stop when she is ready and not before.
Remember you didn't cause it,you can't control it and you can't cure it
Keep posting there is lots of help and advice here for you,this site has been a Godsend for me,good luck
Remember you didn't cause it,you can't control it and you can't cure it
Keep posting there is lots of help and advice here for you,this site has been a Godsend for me,good luck
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Lead by example: commit to your own well being, live your own life to the fullest, live your dreams... be an example of what a wonderful, meaningul life can be. You do not have to move your mouth, it will all be said in your actions, in your smile, with your own glow.
Its a battle he needs to fight, its not your problem.
Good luck!!
Its a battle he needs to fight, its not your problem.
Good luck!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: London
Posts: 219
Your post struck a chord, very simillar to my 1st when I was full of hope. No words of wisdom I'm affraid. You can't encourage, control or cajoul; if they're going to do it they'll do it alone in their own sweet time.
I would suggest educating yourself with some Melodie Beattie books. Alanon may prove helpful (didn't do it myself as logistics didn't work) The best thing for me was reading the stickies and posts. Keep coming back, there are many here that will identify with what you are experiencing.
I would suggest educating yourself with some Melodie Beattie books. Alanon may prove helpful (didn't do it myself as logistics didn't work) The best thing for me was reading the stickies and posts. Keep coming back, there are many here that will identify with what you are experiencing.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Hi! Welcome!!!
Glad you are here! You will find many here who are or have gone through the same things you are going through
As far as helping/ supporting them, I agree with the others; You can help them by helping yourself.
It goes against what we think logically, but it is true! I really liked the book "Marriage on the Rocks" It was a quick easy read and it was full of good information. Also I would reccomend the book "Getting Them Sober" very helpful as well.
For me, the "Co-dependent No More" was a little heavy in the beginning, I had to come back to it later on.
Going to Alanon is great too!! Try a bunch of meetings to find one that is right for you. Also, try not to make up your mind about Alanonuntil you've gone to at least 6 meetings
Keep posting here!!!
Glad you are here! You will find many here who are or have gone through the same things you are going through
As far as helping/ supporting them, I agree with the others; You can help them by helping yourself.
It goes against what we think logically, but it is true! I really liked the book "Marriage on the Rocks" It was a quick easy read and it was full of good information. Also I would reccomend the book "Getting Them Sober" very helpful as well.
For me, the "Co-dependent No More" was a little heavy in the beginning, I had to come back to it later on.
Going to Alanon is great too!! Try a bunch of meetings to find one that is right for you. Also, try not to make up your mind about Alanonuntil you've gone to at least 6 meetings
Keep posting here!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi Chester - you can't help an alcoholic find sobriety - I mean you could hand them the local tel. # to AA and say I hope you choose to use this, there are people there that have been in your shoes and can help you - and then you kind of have to let it go... like, seriously LET IT GO - which means turn away from the A's problems and struggles and focus on YOUR OWN problems and struggles. 100%.
I found AlAnon really helped me to learn how to completely stop enabling my A brothers. That was very important for me because all I can control is my own behavior - and I could not live with myself if I continued to support in any way the formidable and ever-advancing foe that is Alcoholism.
peace-
b
I found AlAnon really helped me to learn how to completely stop enabling my A brothers. That was very important for me because all I can control is my own behavior - and I could not live with myself if I continued to support in any way the formidable and ever-advancing foe that is Alcoholism.
peace-
b
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