New - Embarassed and out of control
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Toronto ON
Posts: 4
New - Embarassed and out of control
Hi everyone, I am new here....I joined today because I have had enough of my out of control binge drinking. I can't just have one drink, I drink to get absolutely plastered. Then I cause a scene. Everytime. Last night I got so trashed that I urinated all over a sidewalk downtown (with probably 30 people watching), I slapped my boyfriend in the face, caused a huge scene on the street, screamed and cried uncontrollably, tried twice to jump out of a moving car......and I don't know why I am doing this. Why am I acting out so much????
I have always had a problem with drinking, since about the age of 14 (I am 24 now). I love drinking so much. I love drinking alone the most, because I can hide it. When I am in public and drinking, I am always a nightmare to be around. Nobody can handle it.
I thought it was getting better but I seemed to have had a relapse. I have had months where I get dangerously drunk every single night (and I have a stressful, demanding job where I need to be focused and alert).
I wish I wasn't so out of control. I am going to try not to have a sip of alcohol for the rest of the week. It is a lofty goal but this is ruining my life. How can anybody love me when I am like this???? I am not a bad person but the drinking turns me into a monster.
I have always had a problem with drinking, since about the age of 14 (I am 24 now). I love drinking so much. I love drinking alone the most, because I can hide it. When I am in public and drinking, I am always a nightmare to be around. Nobody can handle it.
I thought it was getting better but I seemed to have had a relapse. I have had months where I get dangerously drunk every single night (and I have a stressful, demanding job where I need to be focused and alert).
I wish I wasn't so out of control. I am going to try not to have a sip of alcohol for the rest of the week. It is a lofty goal but this is ruining my life. How can anybody love me when I am like this???? I am not a bad person but the drinking turns me into a monster.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,243
Welcome!!
Well you certainly are not the first to have a problem with alcohol and do silly stuff while we are loaded. I had much worse things happen to me than peeing on a sidewalk before I would even consider that I had a problem. I finally found out that the only way for me to control my drinking was total abstinence. The big surprise is that getting sober was a lot easier than I expected and now that I have been sober I wouldn't trade it for the world.
This is a great place to find out about alcoholism and how to stop the craziness in your life. Stick around and keep posting and you will get a lot of help. The one thing I have learned is that when I asked for help I got more than I ever imagined and I have been sober since.
Well you certainly are not the first to have a problem with alcohol and do silly stuff while we are loaded. I had much worse things happen to me than peeing on a sidewalk before I would even consider that I had a problem. I finally found out that the only way for me to control my drinking was total abstinence. The big surprise is that getting sober was a lot easier than I expected and now that I have been sober I wouldn't trade it for the world.
This is a great place to find out about alcoholism and how to stop the craziness in your life. Stick around and keep posting and you will get a lot of help. The one thing I have learned is that when I asked for help I got more than I ever imagined and I have been sober since.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Glad you found us. Feels pretty good just to get that out, doesn't it? So many of us can identify with your drinking pattern. I got to be a very nasty drunk myself. And I liked to drink alone too. Sometimes I think it was because I thought I could hide it, other times I think it was because I knew I'd get evil and tried to isolate myself from as many people as possible. Then I'd get up the next day, hit the last number redial on my phone, afraid of who I may have called. I'd see text messages I don't remember sending and wish to God I could just erase what I sent just as easy as I could delete the message. Unfortunately, it wasn't that easy. We do alot of damage when we're drinking, but just know that in time, most people forgive us when they see the positive changes we are making in our lives when we stop drinking and work a Program of Recovery.
Stick around and keep sharing. I know for me, once I started dumping the garbage so to speak and got feedback from others, I was relieved to know that I wasn't some kind of monster. I was an alcoholic. And there is hope. I'm coming up on 4 years clean and sober. You can do this.
God Bless,
Judy
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Hi and Welcome!
I am so glad you found us
I am a fellow Canadian(Ottawa)...there are quite a few of us here.
You have come to a wonderful place, lots of great support and caring..
check the stickies at the top of the page ..a lot of good information there..
keep coming back
I am so glad you found us
I am a fellow Canadian(Ottawa)...there are quite a few of us here.
You have come to a wonderful place, lots of great support and caring..
check the stickies at the top of the page ..a lot of good information there..
keep coming back
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Sask
Posts: 117
I am also a Canadian......Saskatchewan. Welcome!!
The great thing about this place is we've all been where you "are"......we won't judge you, but will offer plenty of advice. Do some reading around here, and then ask away!!
The great thing about this place is we've all been where you "are"......we won't judge you, but will offer plenty of advice. Do some reading around here, and then ask away!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Toronto ON
Posts: 4
Thanks for all your support, I appreciate it. I think I will need a long break from alcohol. I have done a lot of stupid things that jeopardized my life, while under the influence. I always tell myself before I go out "Please don't make a scene....please behave like a rational person" but I can't fulfill that. I know I have a lot of underlying emotional issues that are contributing to the drinking and I can't seem to resolve them. I have been in therapy for years trying to reconcile these complicated problems, but nothing seems to work. I feel so alone even though I am surrounded by loving, generous, understanding people.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me, that I am not able to correct. I don't understand why I can't just have "one or two" drinks, why I always have to get as loaded as I can, as quickly as I can. Whether I am stressed out, happy, angry, depressed, the drinking episodes all end up the same.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me, that I am not able to correct. I don't understand why I can't just have "one or two" drinks, why I always have to get as loaded as I can, as quickly as I can. Whether I am stressed out, happy, angry, depressed, the drinking episodes all end up the same.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Sask
Posts: 117
Originally Posted by therevileddrunk 
Thanks for all your support, I appreciate it. I think I will need a long break from alcohol. I have done a lot of stupid things that jeopardized my life, while under the influence. I always tell myself before I go out "Please don't make a scene....please behave like a rational person" but I can't fulfill that.
Hey, I don't want to state the obvious, but if you DO NOT DRINK, you will not make a scene, I'm pretty sure. So looking long term, there is your goal. Abstinence. Many people can't control themselves and that is why they have quit.
I know I have a lot of underlying emotional issues that are contributing to the drinking and I can't seem to resolve them. I have been in therapy for years trying to reconcile these complicated problems, but nothing seems to work. I feel so alone even though I am surrounded by loving, generous, understanding people.
I hear you on that. I want to offer you optimism.............although it doesn't seem like it now, once you become sober, many of those emotional issues fade away, or are reduced to molehills. Chronic drinking tends to magnify problems.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me, that I am not able to correct. I don't understand why I can't just have "one or two" drinks, why I always have to get as loaded as I can, as quickly as I can. Whether I am stressed out, happy, angry, depressed, the drinking episodes all end up the same.
Hey, I don't want to state the obvious, but if you DO NOT DRINK, you will not make a scene, I'm pretty sure. So looking long term, there is your goal. Abstinence. Many people can't control themselves and that is why they have quit.
I know I have a lot of underlying emotional issues that are contributing to the drinking and I can't seem to resolve them. I have been in therapy for years trying to reconcile these complicated problems, but nothing seems to work. I feel so alone even though I am surrounded by loving, generous, understanding people.
I hear you on that. I want to offer you optimism.............although it doesn't seem like it now, once you become sober, many of those emotional issues fade away, or are reduced to molehills. Chronic drinking tends to magnify problems.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me, that I am not able to correct. I don't understand why I can't just have "one or two" drinks, why I always have to get as loaded as I can, as quickly as I can. Whether I am stressed out, happy, angry, depressed, the drinking episodes all end up the same.
For me, the alcohol was a way to numb myself to emotional pain, make the issues go away. That MAY be the same for you. But when you sober up the next day, the existing problems are still there, and you probably have created some new ones to add to the load. You don't need that.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me, that I am not able to correct. I don't understand why I can't just have "one or two" drinks, why I always have to get as loaded as I can, as quickly as I can. Whether I am stressed out, happy, angry, depressed, the drinking episodes all end up the same.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: brighton, England
Posts: 65
I know Exactly what you mean therevd. Everytime I drank (every day) I'd end up completely hammered, even though I was adament I was only going to have 1 or 2. Alway's loads of regrets. What annoyed me was, I'd sometimes be really happy and positive at the beginning. It never made a difference though. Alway's the same outcome...Keep posting. Things will change for the better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Toronto ON
Posts: 4
It's true. The drinking just creates new problems. Maybe I am using those new problems as a distraction from my other, more complicated ones. I just can't stand hurting people anymore from my drinking... and I know I am hurting myself more than anybody else. I don't want another relationship to dissolve because of this. I will not progress the way I want to in my life if I allow this to continue. My family, friends, coworkers, and even work clients have seen me at my worst. It's not pretty. I always feel so hideously ashamed the next day, but it doesn't stop me from doing it again at the next opportunity.
I have alcohol in my house and I am not going to drink it tonight...even though I want to. Usually I can't keep alcohol in my house- it's gone within 24 hrs, no matter how great the quantity is. Sometimes I wish I didn't live alone... I am so isolated from everyone, and this makes it very easy to get drunk whenever I want.
I am trying hard to exercise control right now...wish me luck!!!!
I have alcohol in my house and I am not going to drink it tonight...even though I want to. Usually I can't keep alcohol in my house- it's gone within 24 hrs, no matter how great the quantity is. Sometimes I wish I didn't live alone... I am so isolated from everyone, and this makes it very easy to get drunk whenever I want.
I am trying hard to exercise control right now...wish me luck!!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Hi and Welcome,
It's interesting you asked how can anyone love you like this. What I found I HAD to do in order to recover, was to love myself. It was clear to me that I would not have continued to poison my body and wreak havoc in my life, had I loved myself. And, you may feel the same way.
In my opinion, drinking is a symptom. We drink to avoid dealing with our problems or to self-medicate. And, I needed to deal with my issues and my life in order to recover.
I also isolated myself, even though I was married, and always drank alone. My life was full of lies and deception and I hated it. The good news is that I changed and you can change your life too.
It's interesting you asked how can anyone love you like this. What I found I HAD to do in order to recover, was to love myself. It was clear to me that I would not have continued to poison my body and wreak havoc in my life, had I loved myself. And, you may feel the same way.
In my opinion, drinking is a symptom. We drink to avoid dealing with our problems or to self-medicate. And, I needed to deal with my issues and my life in order to recover.
I also isolated myself, even though I was married, and always drank alone. My life was full of lies and deception and I hated it. The good news is that I changed and you can change your life too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Toronto ON
Posts: 4
You are right, I need to make a change in my life. I just don't know where to start because by all accounts I lead a pretty regular life (except for the heavy drinking, that is). And yes, drinking is definitely a symptom, but the problem is much deeper, and I can't identify what it is exactly. I guess I don't love myself, because if I did, then I wouldn't do this to my body and my mind. I have a challenging road ahead, it seems. The drinking is filling a void because I feel so empty. I don't know why I feel like this. It is suffocating, though.
I love your cats in your pic by the way....the one on the left looks exactly like mine!
I love your cats in your pic by the way....the one on the left looks exactly like mine!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
I remember how overwhelmed I felt when I was at the point you are.
Just know that each change you make in your life, causes a ripple effect.
If you stop drinking, you will begin to feel better about yourself. And, when you are clear-headed, you will begin to understand the problems you need to solve in your life, and you will find the way to do that.
Just know that each change you make in your life, causes a ripple effect.
If you stop drinking, you will begin to feel better about yourself. And, when you are clear-headed, you will begin to understand the problems you need to solve in your life, and you will find the way to do that.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 21
Welcome! You've come to a great site -- there's a ton of info here. I've spent hours digging through the archives and I've taken great comfort in the fact that other people have had problems like mine. We're not alone. This is a great place to be honest, get support, and feel accountable for yourself. I hope you keep coming back.
You've come to a great site -- there's a ton of info here. I've spent hours digging through the archives and I've taken great comfort in the fact that other people have had problems like mine. We're not alone. This is a great place to be honest, get support, and feel accountable for yourself. I hope you keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
Ok. Here's what's going on. You can't stop drinking because you're an alcoholic. At least you show all the signs and symptoms of one. You have a disease and it's incurable. If you continue to drink one of three things will happen. You'll end up in jail, in a mental institution with a nasty illness called Wiernikie-Karsikoff's syndrome, or you'll die from alcoholism. It's a fatal disease. And although it's incurable, it is treatable. But suddenly stopping drinking can be dangerous, too.
Here's what I suggest you do. Go to your doctor and let him or her know what's going on. It's best to detox under medical supervision. If your doctor can't help you to detox, find another doctor. Then start going to AA meetings. If you're uncomfortable with this, then go to a Woman's only AA meeting. AA has saved countless lives, mine included. You're certainly not the first to go through what you're going through as you can see from the previous posts. But you can stop drinking. You need a lot of help and support, things you'll find here and in AA meetings. Getting sober and staying sober isn't easy, but it can be done. You just have to want to stop drinking more than you want to drink. I hope you make it. Please let us know how you're doing.
Here's what I suggest you do. Go to your doctor and let him or her know what's going on. It's best to detox under medical supervision. If your doctor can't help you to detox, find another doctor. Then start going to AA meetings. If you're uncomfortable with this, then go to a Woman's only AA meeting. AA has saved countless lives, mine included. You're certainly not the first to go through what you're going through as you can see from the previous posts. But you can stop drinking. You need a lot of help and support, things you'll find here and in AA meetings. Getting sober and staying sober isn't easy, but it can be done. You just have to want to stop drinking more than you want to drink. I hope you make it. Please let us know how you're doing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Sask
Posts: 117
Originally Posted by 51anna
Hi and Welcome,
It's interesting you asked how can anyone love you like this. What I found I HAD to do in order to recover, was to love myself. It was clear to me that I would not have continued to poison my body and wreak havoc in my life, had I loved myself. And, you may feel the same way.
In my opinion, drinking is a symptom. We drink to avoid dealing with our problems or to self-medicate. And, I needed to deal with my issues and my life in order to recover.
I also isolated myself, even though I was married, and always drank alone. My life was full of lies and deception and I hated it. The good news is that I changed and you can change your life too.
It's interesting you asked how can anyone love you like this. What I found I HAD to do in order to recover, was to love myself. It was clear to me that I would not have continued to poison my body and wreak havoc in my life, had I loved myself. And, you may feel the same way.
In my opinion, drinking is a symptom. We drink to avoid dealing with our problems or to self-medicate. And, I needed to deal with my issues and my life in order to recover.
I also isolated myself, even though I was married, and always drank alone. My life was full of lies and deception and I hated it. The good news is that I changed and you can change your life too.
EXCELLENT post Anna!
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