javalvr

My R?AH is starting his 4th wk of rehab. He is in another city so the only contact I have had is phoncons. He will call to talk to the kids and say hi. I don't like to talk about personnel stuff only about the kids. When he tries to talk about us I get anxious and sometimes a bit angry feeling. I got irritated when he asked me to read a book he was reading on steps to a healthy marriage. I think he is concentrating too much on "fixing" us. I am not even sure I want him to come home, let alone ready to read about having a healthy marriage. I am struggling with the fact that I really don't have strong feelings for him anymore. I have told him that I am not sure I still love him, but he doesn't seem to acknowledge that this is even a possibility.

I am worried that if he only concentrates on "us" he won't be concentrating on his own recovery. I know that if I think about "us" I am not focusing on my recovery in a postive way. Is this unusual for a first time rehab person to be this way?

I am very anxious about him returning home. I try not to think about it and only focus on today and trying to work on figuring out who I am still.

Rainbowsend

Agree wholeheartedly, he needs to fix himself before looking at anything else and 4 weeks in rehab is but a spit in the ocean.
I think mant of us have been told we need to read certain books by our A's when they are in recovery. I found it very controlling to be told what I SHOULD read

Freedom1990

Sometimes the message needs to be repeated over and over. My suggestion would be to keep the conversations short, which it sounds like you are already doing, and again, repeat the same message, end of story.

He could certainly check into a sober living facility after rehab should you choose to continue working on your own recovery, and not feel having him back home is best. That doesn't necessarily mean divorce, but time for each of you to work on yourselves.

Good for you for working on your own recovery! :ghug :ghug

Still Waters

Absolutely nothing wrong with suggesting that he concentrate on himself right now...not that he'll listen

There are several Oxford Houses in your area, you may want to let him and his counselor know if you don't want him coming home directly after rehab - so they can get him a room there.