coffeenut

Since SR is my AA....I'm pulling up a chair....anyone care to join me?

I've been thinking lately of how my summers used to go. Cold beer on the back porch.....reeeeeeeeeelaxed. Enjoying Summertime!

Then I slap myself back, because it never ended there. It ended with me being a passed out mess. Every. Single. Time.

What I remember when I really want that beer, is how far I've come. How much my health has improved, both physical and mental. How I want my kids to be proud of me....and if they choose to follow in my drunken footpath, I can be a sane voice of reason. How I really, really don't want to be a drunk anymore.

I'm okay now. The monster has crept off my back....but I'll never forget it. If I forget it, I'm doomed to repeat it.

What keeps that monster off YOUR back?

HLBlue

Whatt keeps thhe monsterr off my back????

1. Wakingg up everry day, I lay therre for a few minuttes andd bam, it hitss me. I amm AWAKE!!! I amm not shaking, I don'tt feel horrible. I can smile annd feel good about getting out of bed.

2. Seeingg the smiles on my kids facees.

3. Reallizing that for oncee finally after so lonng, I don'tt have too take a drink to make itt through the day.

4. Most off all the litttle things.....

Jane47

I don't want to let my kids down.
I also don't want my granddaughters growing up seeing me drinking beer all the time like my sons did.
Health is another reason not to have that cold one on the porch.

Aysha

I am still working on thatone.
And nice weather really does trigger.
I have sittin here all day and night trying to stay put.
I am white knuckling it right now and its very uncomfortable.
I did make a call and was glad the phone was off or I would have went.
I know..I suck and I am hopeless it seems.
But I guess thats when things happen for a reason.
I am holdin on for dear life right now.
Its never too late to go.
Even with my pain and bad brakes. I would go if I really let mywslef give up right now.
I hate this struggle and battle it has become.
I am just watchin tv..stayin close to yall. And trying everything possible to keep my mind off it. And I am trying to fast forward to the end. And thats really helping me alot. Especially with all the pain I am in. It would really be a very horrible come down.
I am not tryin to go through it.
Sry I rambled. I just needed to vent.
And I hope someone else can chime in and share what helps them as well. I know alot of things already. But it never hurts to hear more.

Gypsy Feet

with all those staples you might really hurt yourself Trish, stay home.

I dont have that beer because I dont want it pulling my strings. I'm too much of a stubborn rebel to be a slave.

Dee74

Trish
you know I'm your friend...but FFS you've got 20 staples in you.

I wouldn't let any friend of mine go out for ice cream in your condition, let alone anything else.

You're probably tripping a bit due to the meds you're on - remember that, ok?

The best tool I ever learned what to recognize that what I was feeling was not necessarily real.

If it keeps biting, think about it Trish - it's insanity, my friend.

I don't want to lose you.

D

dedubya

pulliing up my chair- now that i can sit in one..
1- what is keeping me away? the misery of addiction. the withdrawals which almost killed me- or at least close to stroke. the pain i caused myself and others. the wonderful feeling of sobriety(which is new to me) of feeling things, and seeing the beauty in the world, as hard as it may be sometimes- it is still there. I re-found it. Take out a piece of paper and write down the positives of drinking, snorting, shooting etc, then list the negatives. That brings it to the logical thinking level.

2- Trish- you have become a great friend of mine. I have no idea about the staples people are mentioning- you probably told me- or posted- when I was outside standing in the rain in the middle of the night when i had the brain of an eggplant (I do love rain- but not in that condition). All i do know is- I feel great now that I am sober. I want to help anyway i can- I have been through the ringer as you know. I can tell you that the rehab and aa meetings (which I NEVER thought i would go to) have turned out to be very positive for me, just listening and being around people that are similar to me (in rehab and aa) from an addiction standpoint has really helped. Best of luck and love to you my friend. Sorry if I missed your point...
dub

shaun00

living in the truth and not the denial

i dont believe the lie anymore.......i really CANT have one...just one.

i know that a decision to return to drinking would be an insane one..

im not insane today......well not with repsect to alcohol anyhow...lol.

Hevyn

Good stuff, coffeenut. Summer does mean huge triggers for me, especially living near the beach. Why is it that our minds go back to the happy and fun times, not the horrible, dangerous times?

I try to recreate the way I felt the last time I was brought to my knees - the way I was hiding my stash of beer in a closet - the way I'd take a few with me every time I went anywhere - the way I was a slave to it 24/7 - the way I walked blindly through my days without being present.

serenityqueen

What keeps me from picking up again?

Right now it's going on 8:00 am on Sunday morning.

When I was using, if I was awake at this time it was only because I was beginning to go through withdrawls. . . opiate withdrawls are not fun at all, no withdrawls are. Very rarely did I ever have any pills left from the day before, I didn't have that kind of strength to keep any. Since my DOC was pain pills, I could either get them from other people I knew or through legal and illegal Rx's. On a Sunday morning, most pharmacies aren't open yet so I'd be looking at the clock, trying to get ahold of some doctor, dentist, to lie to so they'd call me in an Rx. Time passed so slowly as I began to shake, have muscle cramps from hell (on top of my usual morning joint pain from my RA) be sick to my stomach, chain smoking . . . as I rip through the phone book calling Dr.'s.

This Sunday morning, sure, I am in a great deal more physical pain than I was nearly 4 years ago. My diseases are progressing even though I am on so many medications. But that's ok. This kind of pain is tolerable. I know it will ease up as the morning progresses. My fractured pelvis is healing and even though I will have to have surgery on my back as soon as my pelvis heals, I know that This Too Shall Pass.

I'm sitting in my living room with all new furniture. I'll be 47 years old in a few weeks and never in my life have I had brand new furniture. I spent all my money on drugs, furniture was the last thing I cared about. I'm sitting at my new desk that my new friend, CrackQuack and her friend put together for me. To the left, my cat (who was born on my first day clean and sober by the way) is enjoying the morning air coming through the windows. I get the biggest kick out of him watching the birds, scrunching down as low as he can get as he pretends he's a jungle cat preparing to pounch on his prey. He hasn't figured out yet that when he makes that yacky noise when the birds get close, it scares them away. And the birds, oh how I hated what I considered their unnecessary, annoying morning disturbance. Now, it's music to my ears, another reminder of yet another day that I am waking up knowing that I get to enjoy another day. Far stretch from hoping I wouldn't wake up, thinking that death was the only answer.

My mornings alone are the complete opposite of what they were for sooooo many years. If you haven't already known, I began using drugs when I was only 11 and got Clean & Sober and in Recovery when I was 43. I have no memories of my life before drugs took over. That used to anger me, but now I look at it as a Blessing. When a child of 11 turns to drugs to numb the pain of their young life, I must have been hurting a great deal. The first time I got high was the day I found out my Parents were divorcing. I wanted to do something that would devestate them as much as their divorce was devestating me. But now I look at it as a Blessing that I can't remember the pain I obviously was going through.

I'm not going to bore everyone with the rest of my day, but the changes in my life that have taken place are incredible. I am at peace. Some of you may not know why I choose SerenityQueen as my screen name. I had been in detox so many times over the years prior to me surrendering on July 25, 2005. On one of the last times at the hospital for detox, as I was being wheeled on the guerny past the nurse's station to my room, I heard one of the nurse's say, "Oh, look who's back, it's our own Queen of Relapse." Today, thanks to my Sobriety, I am happy, joyous & free . . . my definition of Serenity. And I am the Queen you know! lol

Thanks for letting me share,
Judy


Even though I am stuck in a body that causes me a lot of physical pain, I no

Horselover

You've read my mind CN. I recently have been thinking about it. I don't know if I was "seriously" contemplated it, but serious or not the thoughts do roll around up there. The Summer and warm evenings are a huge trigger to me, but then I remember that word "trigger." There are a lot of things in the very beginning when I quit that were "triggers." There are less now THANK GOD! I seemed to have to fight it on an hour to hour basis for the first couple of weeks and then more on a day to day basis and then on a trigger basis. The fight has lessened, but its still there. It probably always will be because I'm an alcoholic, BUT I want sobriety so much MORE then I want that life back. That life sucked big in so many ways its hard to list them all, but I will list just a few big ones for me.

1. Son's disappointment in me. Now my son feels quite the opposite. We are very tight and I pray that last forever. I believe it will if I don't drink and stay involved in his life.

2. Husband's disgust and disappointment. It really got bad towards the end of my drinking. I wasn't even coherent at the end of the evening and it was really hard to deal with. Husband has a lot of respect on how hard I have worked to maintain this new life and he has regained confidence in me.

3. I lost total self respect and confidence in myself. I have regained it back and don't remember when I last felt good about myself. Mind you my drinking career lasted a long, long time before the decision to end it was my new religion so to speak.

4. I had no energy nor inclination to do anything outside the home past 5 pm. I was literally a prisoner to my home. I drank inside from 5 pm until closing time. I know go to the movies, visit with friends, and I have a life now. I have a really active life now. I am like Fizzy and wonder how I had time to drink before, but I do know it WAS a priority then. It is not part of my life now.

5.CN I REALLY need to thank you for this post. SR really helps because just when I am having some feelings about it I get on here and Lo and Behold I find something that relates to it or something that makes me revisit that darkness. Glad and grateful for the light and for SR and people like you and Hevyn. Hevyn helps me to remember it too in daily emails. She has kept me sober more then once and didn't even know it. Some say you can't keep a person sober, but I believe they are put in your life for a reason and sometimes that reason is clear presently and sometimes you have to look back. I know SR and my friends here are definite inspiration, hope and my reason on some days. :ghug2

Aysha

I feel way better today. I hope any of you who struggles recently are too.
I have a feeling of relief today. Like PHEW!!
Like I made it through a war zone unscratched.
I was open for anything last night. Evewn getting high.
I am not sure if it is the time on my hands. The pain killers messin with me. But I do know that I wasnt even goin to try if that phne had picked up n the other end.
This is what I need to learn to avoid. And learn better coping skills.
I know where to learn thm from and how to get there.
But my commitment isnt there.
So I am just whining for no reason it seems.

I appreciate this thread coffee.
Because I am bein really stubborn at the cost of my sanity.
And just letting it out here and reading everyone elses responses has helped tremendously.
I thought about this thread first thing this morning.

Thx for posting it. And sry if I took in the opposite direction.
But you all did help me alot last night and this morning.

coffeenut

I don't know why summer is being a trigger right now, because when I was drinking, a pimple would trigger me. Hell, Tuesday would trigger me...or....

Lots of good stuff you guys gave me. I do want to say to Chiy directly, I remember thinking I sucked. But, if I'm not drinking (or using in your case), I can't be sucking, imho. Sometimes the world doesn't look very sweet, but it very rarely sucks. Looking for that sweet spot is easier, sober. I wish you peace. I really do.

This thing almost did kill me. It certainly killed a lot of aspects of my life I am working so hard to get back. When I do think I have it whipped (yeah, listen to the under a year person say that one! ) I read of someone who has years of recovery relapse. I think that is on my mind a lot. So, I do need to be vigilent. I can't stop reading everything I can get my hands on. I MUST remember I am an alcoholic. Especially in summertime.

I feel better. I can breathe, again. I really don't have cravings very often. I just don't. I guess this is a Huge wake up call that it doesn't really end, does it. Well, if it does end it WILL kill me.....and I'm just not willing to give up who I have become.

SR Rocks.

mikefreak

That FIRST cold beer is the best......then it goes downhill from there. I STILL have "tuggings" about five in the afternoon & it's pretty outside. But, for me, WINTER is worse. But let's NOT go there....................

least

Lots of things keep me sober now: I want to keep my self respect and the respect of my kids. I don't want to put myself or anyone else in harm's way. I don't want to put myself thru the justice system or jail. I do'nt want to spend money I can't afford to spend on something that will make me feel sick and guilty and ashamed.

I like waking up sober these days. No hangovers, no shakes in the morning, no wasted days feeling sick all day and not being able to get anything done. I take better care of myself and my home and my dogs when I'm sober. I no longer have to hide and lie, to myself or anyone else. I no longer wake up too early in the day and have to wait until the store opens up and I'm the first one in the door... buying wine at that hour!

I no longer am a slave to alcohol, and that my life is in my hands instead of in a bottle.

Chamabama

I have PTSD and have been in therapy for over 2 years. As I started letting go of other unhealthy coping skills, I picked up a bottle as a new one. What started out as a (stupid) cure for my anxiety became a new source of anxiety. I don't want to trade old bad habits for new ones. I want to be healthy. For me, that means not taking the easy way out (alcohol - which is really NO way out) and reaching out to people instead of isolating. It means learning to sit with the anxiety and feelings, not trying yet another way to avoid it.

joedris

Three things help keep me in the program. In this area at AA meetings we have a tradition of handing out poker chips with different colors marking different periods of sobriety. The first chip you pick up is a white one, and you go through several colors until you reach your first year, then you pick up a chip each year thereafter. I don't pay a lot of attention the the yearly chips, but I always carry the white one. It reminds me of a place that I never want to go back to. The second thing is 12 step work - helping others achieve sobriety. That gives me a lot of satisfaction. And the third? Read my signature. Janis Joplin said it best.

ruletheworld

1. Waking up with a clear head in the morning and not having to worry about if I smell like a liquor store or not.
2. Not having to see the look of disgust on my wife's face every time she realized I was drunk
3. Being able to go to functions involving family and friends, and not have to worry about making a complete fool out of myself

There are other things that keep me going, but these are definitely 3 big reasons.

Wolfchild

By 'monster' i gather you are referring to the disease of addiction/alcoholism?

i have come to terms with the fact that it resides within me and that i cannot change that reality.
i can only do what i can to keep it arrested each day so that i never have to use ever again.
1. i accept that i am powerless over it.
2. i do not rely on how i can control it.
3. i ask God for help to live my life clean.

The actions i take daily is to go to a meeting, talk to my sponsor, talk with my sponsees, write on the 12 Steps and the 12 Traditions of N.A., pray and meditate, help another addict stay clean, & enjoy life as much as possible.

CarolD

Just keep moving ahead in sobriety.....
living sober is absolutely fantastic

Congratulations Everyone