Enlightenment - Acceptance
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Enlightenment - Acceptance
I had this break through tonight after coming home from being with my parents, my guy, both of my boys, my exh and his wife and their 11 month old boy. My son performed in a play. The happening events between the adults brought up some heavy emotions.
Here we go...........
5/29/09
(I looked at an up close self portrait of myself from this evening.... and this is what evolved..........)
I look at photos of me ... especially ones where I am really smiling... and I feel so much love in the way of seeing someone with much love and kindness in their eyes - in their smile... that there is this depth. But I think that depth is sadness because I feel tremendous guilt and falseness when I think the kind and loving things about myself because looking at myself through the eyes of another brings me "relief" and I'm able to exhale as if to say... "ah that is it ... how and who I am" in the eyes of that other person..... be it my guy or his folks even or my exh/wife......... I just look like this "woman" .... this used up/ washed out woman who is trying to be somebody that she isn't..... or that I'm just "looked at" in a way of fakeness or temporary or empty - a shell. And that people look "at me" - not "in me". Looking at the things I have done....... being married twice..... having 2 children and being a single mother. Financially, I am pittance. It's horrible how I see myself through the eyes of others. And this is why I'm probably absolutely astonished that I even have friends who accept me for who I am.... who say kind and loving things about me to others and myself. And then I'll think that since I get the jeykl and hyde thing going from my guy... when he doesn't give me that same feeling in turn, I really begin to doubt myself. I have got to stop worrying about what he thinks of who I am. It's making me crazy. Because if he can't accept me for who I am...... then that just means it's all been just a sham..... a shell of falseness and nothing. Just a game of hopscotch compared to a life time marathon.
So - I started this off with internal feelings about myself - how *I* saw myself and I couldn't stay with it. The dark side of caring about what other people think/see took over....... and that is EXACTLY the opposite of what my beliefs are! I believe YOU like where YOU walk YOUR steps. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF.... if you love yourself......... then blinking love yourself. There are going to be some people who just won't plain like me. OF COURSE... laws of nature prove that not everyone is going to like me - AND that is OKAY!!! Geeezus, I had this down 15 years ago .... what the heck happened to make me so jaded?
Anyway.... I need a visual... something to remind me not to have those thoughts - to even allow them to have a home in my brain... What would be a good visual???? Visualizing someone just looking "at me" and not "in me".... makes me so anxious and sick feeling... and sad. So I don't want to think that. What about me showing compassion for them and not taking it personally. So ... visualizing myself looking in the mirror and seeing myself and being reminded THAT is ME and honor my inner thoughts and feelings about myself.
I can also visualize the sick feeling of being someone that the other person wants you to be- or to continue with the role of being someone's "different perception of me" - instead of who I really am. But then I struggle with whose perception is the most accurate one ...... ? Which is irrelevant! I have to believe........ that as long as I like where I am walking my steps ... that I like who I am... what I do .... see my good...... that it doesn't matter what other people's perception is of me. Maybe they aren't so evolved on a spiritual level to be able to see me for who I really am? But that doesn't mean I need to beef up and be concerned about trying to be "their" perception. In weight... this should hold much less bearing.
Keep my side of the street clean....... so that I can love and accept myself for who I really am.
Man - this is HUGE........ I am so glad I have this down in writing!!!!!
Thanks for letting me share...........
Peace and Love xoxoxo
Here we go...........
5/29/09
(I looked at an up close self portrait of myself from this evening.... and this is what evolved..........)
I look at photos of me ... especially ones where I am really smiling... and I feel so much love in the way of seeing someone with much love and kindness in their eyes - in their smile... that there is this depth. But I think that depth is sadness because I feel tremendous guilt and falseness when I think the kind and loving things about myself because looking at myself through the eyes of another brings me "relief" and I'm able to exhale as if to say... "ah that is it ... how and who I am" in the eyes of that other person..... be it my guy or his folks even or my exh/wife......... I just look like this "woman" .... this used up/ washed out woman who is trying to be somebody that she isn't..... or that I'm just "looked at" in a way of fakeness or temporary or empty - a shell. And that people look "at me" - not "in me". Looking at the things I have done....... being married twice..... having 2 children and being a single mother. Financially, I am pittance. It's horrible how I see myself through the eyes of others. And this is why I'm probably absolutely astonished that I even have friends who accept me for who I am.... who say kind and loving things about me to others and myself. And then I'll think that since I get the jeykl and hyde thing going from my guy... when he doesn't give me that same feeling in turn, I really begin to doubt myself. I have got to stop worrying about what he thinks of who I am. It's making me crazy. Because if he can't accept me for who I am...... then that just means it's all been just a sham..... a shell of falseness and nothing. Just a game of hopscotch compared to a life time marathon.
So - I started this off with internal feelings about myself - how *I* saw myself and I couldn't stay with it. The dark side of caring about what other people think/see took over....... and that is EXACTLY the opposite of what my beliefs are! I believe YOU like where YOU walk YOUR steps. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF.... if you love yourself......... then blinking love yourself. There are going to be some people who just won't plain like me. OF COURSE... laws of nature prove that not everyone is going to like me - AND that is OKAY!!! Geeezus, I had this down 15 years ago .... what the heck happened to make me so jaded?
Anyway.... I need a visual... something to remind me not to have those thoughts - to even allow them to have a home in my brain... What would be a good visual???? Visualizing someone just looking "at me" and not "in me".... makes me so anxious and sick feeling... and sad. So I don't want to think that. What about me showing compassion for them and not taking it personally. So ... visualizing myself looking in the mirror and seeing myself and being reminded THAT is ME and honor my inner thoughts and feelings about myself.
I can also visualize the sick feeling of being someone that the other person wants you to be- or to continue with the role of being someone's "different perception of me" - instead of who I really am. But then I struggle with whose perception is the most accurate one ...... ? Which is irrelevant! I have to believe........ that as long as I like where I am walking my steps ... that I like who I am... what I do .... see my good...... that it doesn't matter what other people's perception is of me. Maybe they aren't so evolved on a spiritual level to be able to see me for who I really am? But that doesn't mean I need to beef up and be concerned about trying to be "their" perception. In weight... this should hold much less bearing.
Keep my side of the street clean....... so that I can love and accept myself for who I really am.
Man - this is HUGE........ I am so glad I have this down in writing!!!!!
Thanks for letting me share...........
Peace and Love xoxoxo
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
You asked for a visual and I thought of this - a friend sent it to me a while back and I really liked it. I was trying to explain to this friend how I feel so different about myself sometimes - like who the heck am I really?? Here it is:
Think of yourself as someone who is rich with color -- from all of your experiences and all of your qualities....
(i'm not astonished - I think your friends probably have it right)
Kind of like projecting? Your friends think you're great but you don't accept it? I kind of do the same thing. Someone says something nice about me and I think they either are just being nice or they don't know the real me. Even though I'm aware of it and working on it - I usually see myself as I *think* others see me. Our own thoughts can be so powerful! Like how on some days I look in the mirror and think 'hey I'm still kind of pretty" but other days "man what happened to me." And this is after me improving my self-esteem!
What's that saying....what other people think of me is none of my business. I'm trying to go with that lately. Or that song that says something like - you can't please everyone so you've got to please yourself - it's like you said - keep your side of the street clean - then hold your head up high.
The smile/picture thing hit home too. I miss the *me* who used to be happy all the time - the young woman just starting out with the world in front of me. Then I made mistakes, didn't end up where I thought I would, and had to 'pay' for those mistakes for too long. Is it regret or trying to live up to some imaginary ideal we can't reach? Or not accepting that we are human and make mistakes but should also be able to forgive and love ourselves enough to accept ourselves?
It's a good sign that you realized how your thoughts turned around. You were in that "better" place once - with regards to your recovery. You can get there again. Remember - keep your focus on you and the positive things! AND be nice to yourself!! You are worth it!
But I think it is all you, not two personalities – one personality with lots of colors.
And this is why I'm probably absolutely astonished that I even have friends who accept me for who I am.... who say kind and loving things about me to others and myself.
Kind of like projecting? Your friends think you're great but you don't accept it? I kind of do the same thing. Someone says something nice about me and I think they either are just being nice or they don't know the real me. Even though I'm aware of it and working on it - I usually see myself as I *think* others see me. Our own thoughts can be so powerful! Like how on some days I look in the mirror and think 'hey I'm still kind of pretty" but other days "man what happened to me." And this is after me improving my self-esteem!
What's that saying....what other people think of me is none of my business. I'm trying to go with that lately. Or that song that says something like - you can't please everyone so you've got to please yourself - it's like you said - keep your side of the street clean - then hold your head up high.
The smile/picture thing hit home too. I miss the *me* who used to be happy all the time - the young woman just starting out with the world in front of me. Then I made mistakes, didn't end up where I thought I would, and had to 'pay' for those mistakes for too long. Is it regret or trying to live up to some imaginary ideal we can't reach? Or not accepting that we are human and make mistakes but should also be able to forgive and love ourselves enough to accept ourselves?
It's a good sign that you realized how your thoughts turned around. You were in that "better" place once - with regards to your recovery. You can get there again. Remember - keep your focus on you and the positive things! AND be nice to yourself!! You are worth it!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I sometimes have a hard time not listening to that voice inside when it tells me that I must be a fake...that I really am not deserving of compliments someone will give to me. I know where that voice comes from and I am starting to learn that the voice is the fake, not me.
I sometimes visualize myself projecting compassion and love...Because I really believe what I project is what I attract.
I too think your friends have it right. Keep it simple, Abs...you are a wonderful lady, inside and out and that's why your friends love you and accept you for that wonderful person you are.
I sometimes visualize myself projecting compassion and love...Because I really believe what I project is what I attract.
I too think your friends have it right. Keep it simple, Abs...you are a wonderful lady, inside and out and that's why your friends love you and accept you for that wonderful person you are.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
My therapist calls it my "inner persecutor." That voice that tells me I wasn't, and am not, good enough.
I understand the "what others think of me is none of my business" slogan.
I also know that for me, I need a RESPONSE of LOVE from another person to fully know that I am worthy and lovable. (Oh dear, braced for showers of protest for that line!)
What I mean is that I think God placed me here to experience love, He made it for me a necessary part of my human needs, and if instead of love I experience (especially at a young age when all the feelings are being "set") abandonment, exploitation, neglect, indifference, blame (spoken or inferred)......I just could not--and cannot--talk myself into believing I am authentically beautiful and lovable. I am a human being living a human life and I need interactions of love to nourish my soul.
I don't know if I am making any sense at all.
I believe the experience of the unconditional love from another person can profoundly alter our view of ourselves and can change the course of our lives. I really do. I know that goes against the philosophy of some who may think we can do it all on our own. But we all have different views.
What I sense in you, dear, is a deep longing to be KNOWN by another. To be KNOWN and STILL LOVED WITHOUT RESERVATION.
If that is so, I have to say that it is an integral part of being human and need not ever be defended.
It is a need for me, and I apologize if I project it onto you by mistake. I just wanted to offer my own perspective.
Blessings.
I understand the "what others think of me is none of my business" slogan.
I also know that for me, I need a RESPONSE of LOVE from another person to fully know that I am worthy and lovable. (Oh dear, braced for showers of protest for that line!)
What I mean is that I think God placed me here to experience love, He made it for me a necessary part of my human needs, and if instead of love I experience (especially at a young age when all the feelings are being "set") abandonment, exploitation, neglect, indifference, blame (spoken or inferred)......I just could not--and cannot--talk myself into believing I am authentically beautiful and lovable. I am a human being living a human life and I need interactions of love to nourish my soul.
I don't know if I am making any sense at all.
I believe the experience of the unconditional love from another person can profoundly alter our view of ourselves and can change the course of our lives. I really do. I know that goes against the philosophy of some who may think we can do it all on our own. But we all have different views.
What I sense in you, dear, is a deep longing to be KNOWN by another. To be KNOWN and STILL LOVED WITHOUT RESERVATION.
If that is so, I have to say that it is an integral part of being human and need not ever be defended.
It is a need for me, and I apologize if I project it onto you by mistake. I just wanted to offer my own perspective.
Blessings.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Truth - yup... keeping my side of the street clean - really HELPS a ton! Thank you for your kind words. I'm working on this with my therapist and I keep asking her if I'm going to wind up having a big ego!!!!! lol
Marle - the thing is - is that he isn't in active addiction.... and he is on the road to recovery. Also - it's not him persay "doing it" - it's my warped - screwed up perception.
Greet - thank you for the kind words. I appreciate your visualization - I too try to do that - but sometimes those negative thoughts that I feel others perceive me as - flood their way in.
Bluejay - that is totally it. It's not that I really need *his* acceptance - but I crave the reassurance that I do have his unconditional love. Or that he does accept me for who I am. Gosh - I just sound so darn needy. And it TICKS me off!
It trips me out that I can go out for hours and he expresses no interest (at least on the level I would have) - about what I was up to! And you know what? - THAT is probably HEALTHY!!!!!
I'm doing some massive inner work......and taking this therapy quite seriously. Thanks you guys for going on this journey with me.
Another thing that I thought up was..... as a child I was *always* the pleaser to my parents. They were always so proud of me and I made them happy. In my relationship, I'm finding that there is nothing that I am doing that can make him proud of me or happy! He says that is just the "place" that he is in right now. And I can see that- because really all he is doing is absorbing himself into his work - to the point that he is socially inadequate.
I spent some time this weekend with a friend (boys were with their dad) - and I was torn between feeling guilty for having fun while he was at home ..... and then questioning just why the heck he isn't having emotions about me going out and having fun! HERE I AM - trying to analyze WHAT HE IS THINKING / FEELING! And so - in my insecure state (*which is just ticking me off) - I feel that he doesn't really care to spend time with me. GOOD GAWD..... ugh.
Anywho - he replied to a text message : "I want you to enjoy yourself. I know I'm not fun to be around much anymore. I'm boring, don't talk, and don't do much other that work. I'm sure you will have a better day hanging with your friends than with me - you'd just be getting frustrated that I don't have anything that I want to do.... and THAT I'm okay with being that way for now."
And you know what? Him just telling me that he is "okay" and "accepting" himself for being "that way" for now....... it gave me a sense of relief - because - he is aware.... and is being true to himself.
Which in turn- reminds me for ME to be true to myself as well!
At times - I just really think I suck at relationships. I get so dang intertwined. I worry that if I detach too much that it means I'm not "in love" - or it's just time to move on!
So - it's really all this codie work that I'm doing....... that *his* happiness isn't dependent on me! Thing is - I would really like to "feel" that I contribute to his happiness. Because he certainly can to mine.
On the other hand- like I read on here from Anvil - I'm working towards and have been working towards - NOT letting him make that much of an impact on me - good or bad. To accept him as him....... and me as ME!
Marle - the thing is - is that he isn't in active addiction.... and he is on the road to recovery. Also - it's not him persay "doing it" - it's my warped - screwed up perception.
Greet - thank you for the kind words. I appreciate your visualization - I too try to do that - but sometimes those negative thoughts that I feel others perceive me as - flood their way in.
Originally Posted by bluejay6 
I am a human being living a human life and I need interactions of love to nourish my soul. .....
I believe the experience of the unconditional love from another person can profoundly alter our view of ourselves and can change the course of our lives. .....
What I sense in you, dear, is a deep longing to be KNOWN by another. To be KNOWN and STILL LOVED WITHOUT RESERVATION.
I believe the experience of the unconditional love from another person can profoundly alter our view of ourselves and can change the course of our lives. .....
What I sense in you, dear, is a deep longing to be KNOWN by another. To be KNOWN and STILL LOVED WITHOUT RESERVATION.
It trips me out that I can go out for hours and he expresses no interest (at least on the level I would have) - about what I was up to! And you know what? - THAT is probably HEALTHY!!!!!
I'm doing some massive inner work......and taking this therapy quite seriously. Thanks you guys for going on this journey with me.
Another thing that I thought up was..... as a child I was *always* the pleaser to my parents. They were always so proud of me and I made them happy. In my relationship, I'm finding that there is nothing that I am doing that can make him proud of me or happy! He says that is just the "place" that he is in right now. And I can see that- because really all he is doing is absorbing himself into his work - to the point that he is socially inadequate.
I spent some time this weekend with a friend (boys were with their dad) - and I was torn between feeling guilty for having fun while he was at home ..... and then questioning just why the heck he isn't having emotions about me going out and having fun! HERE I AM - trying to analyze WHAT HE IS THINKING / FEELING! And so - in my insecure state (*which is just ticking me off) - I feel that he doesn't really care to spend time with me. GOOD GAWD..... ugh.
Anywho - he replied to a text message : "I want you to enjoy yourself. I know I'm not fun to be around much anymore. I'm boring, don't talk, and don't do much other that work. I'm sure you will have a better day hanging with your friends than with me - you'd just be getting frustrated that I don't have anything that I want to do.... and THAT I'm okay with being that way for now."
And you know what? Him just telling me that he is "okay" and "accepting" himself for being "that way" for now....... it gave me a sense of relief - because - he is aware.... and is being true to himself.
Which in turn- reminds me for ME to be true to myself as well!
At times - I just really think I suck at relationships. I get so dang intertwined. I worry that if I detach too much that it means I'm not "in love" - or it's just time to move on!
So - it's really all this codie work that I'm doing....... that *his* happiness isn't dependent on me! Thing is - I would really like to "feel" that I contribute to his happiness. Because he certainly can to mine.
On the other hand- like I read on here from Anvil - I'm working towards and have been working towards - NOT letting him make that much of an impact on me - good or bad. To accept him as him....... and me as ME!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
What is weird.... and I do not know where it's coming from. But to do that.... it just makes me tear up. That happens in therapy - she'll ask me to do the same.... and it's like I just blank and tear up.
I'm hoping this means I'm coming close to having a break through - because it is this dark space that I can't even touch. One thing I know for certain - is that I am darn good at avoiding it!
I'm hoping this means I'm coming close to having a break through - because it is this dark space that I can't even touch. One thing I know for certain - is that I am darn good at avoiding it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Anvil - that pandora's box..... that is in me. It's THAT. Trouble is - I don't really know what is in the box. Does that make sense?
There is a book about understanding your intuition. There is a meditation where you go into a basement and you see things and think about what you feel / emotion comes up when you see these things.
In my mind/meditation - I walk down into a basement..... and I see a lot of clutter.... but the things in there- are nothing meaningful..... just dusty chairs and tables and trinkets. So I do a "zoom" view..... and I go blank. I get a heavy feeling and I stop.
I have been "stuck" on that chapter in this book for years now.... and I re-visit it a couple times a year - and it's always been the same outcome.
Man - I'm really hoping that this therapy helps me find out what it's all about. Because I am SO done with not being able to "go there". Don't get me wrong either - I'm also scared sh%less about what IS going to be there. Actually - no.... I WAS scared.... now I'm like...... "BRING IT!!!!!!!"
There is a book about understanding your intuition. There is a meditation where you go into a basement and you see things and think about what you feel / emotion comes up when you see these things.
In my mind/meditation - I walk down into a basement..... and I see a lot of clutter.... but the things in there- are nothing meaningful..... just dusty chairs and tables and trinkets. So I do a "zoom" view..... and I go blank. I get a heavy feeling and I stop.
I have been "stuck" on that chapter in this book for years now.... and I re-visit it a couple times a year - and it's always been the same outcome.
Man - I'm really hoping that this therapy helps me find out what it's all about. Because I am SO done with not being able to "go there". Don't get me wrong either - I'm also scared sh%less about what IS going to be there. Actually - no.... I WAS scared.... now I'm like...... "BRING IT!!!!!!!"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
HOLY CRAPOLA ANVIL!
What IF that is all that is down there? Actually - it makes a lot of sense that it would be........ considering since childhood..... I've cared about other people more than I have about myself! I can see other people's "stuff" ...... way more so than I can see my own!
If someone asks how so and so feels about something..... you bet I can tell them. But if that question is presented to me...... I'm speechless.
I have to FORCE myself to say (and I do this with my boys)..... "I don't know..... ask that person how they feel..... I'm NOT that person!" Literally - I know to say that now.
Anywho....... which just goes to show....... that I DON'T have stuff...... cause it's always been other people's stuff!
OMG....... ANVIL! I feel like I am floating! HA!
What IF that is all that is down there? Actually - it makes a lot of sense that it would be........ considering since childhood..... I've cared about other people more than I have about myself! I can see other people's "stuff" ...... way more so than I can see my own!
If someone asks how so and so feels about something..... you bet I can tell them. But if that question is presented to me...... I'm speechless.
I have to FORCE myself to say (and I do this with my boys)..... "I don't know..... ask that person how they feel..... I'm NOT that person!" Literally - I know to say that now.
Anywho....... which just goes to show....... that I DON'T have stuff...... cause it's always been other people's stuff!
OMG....... ANVIL! I feel like I am floating! HA!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
For me - I started trying to look at myself through my HP's eyes. I'm kinda like that homemade craft that one of my children has given me for mothers day. its warped and messy but its full of love and a prized possession. Well that's how i think my HP looks at me - as his creation and as his child, full of forgiveness and love towards me (even when i screw it all up) and ever changing to become the final person he made me to be. I imagine my HP smiling down on me like i smile when i open one of those homemade crafts and and I know in His eyes that i am beautiful and cherished even if i'm imperfect.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
