kv816

It's been awhile since I've been on here. Last time I posted I got a few dozens responses, almost begging me to leave my ABF. I really did listen to what everyone had to say, but I chose not to put anymore of an effort into leaving than what I had already done.

And about a month ago now I showed up at work with a fractured cheekbone, a black and blue, blood shot eye and a busted lip. My boss basically gave me until noon to have a receipt for deposit on my own house on his desk or he'd file charges for assault on an officer.

So I've been in my new house for about a month now and it's really hard. It's getting easier, I guess. My house is slowly coming together, as I moved in with pretty much nothing. We have enough to be comfortable. I've gotten a lot of support from a lot of people--most of it emotional support (which is what I think I needed the most). My brother helped me financially and I was able to get a small loan; that helped me pay the deposits and rent and get furniture.

I'm not really sure how I feel about what's going on. I didn't have any contact with him for the first week after I left. Then I was stupid and answered the phone one day when he called. I went over to the house to get some of my stuff and we ended up sitting on the couch, talking and crying for almost 3 hours. My leaving had torn him apart and it didn't really hit him until a few days after he had been sober. I was stupid and got my hopes up......I thought for sure he would have heard what came out of his own mouth and it would have been the rock bottom he needed to hit to make the change he's needed for SOOOOO long.

But like I said, I had just gotten my hopes up. He was drinking again a few days later.

Didn't talk to him for that time while he was drinking. And, as usual, he ran out of money and ran out of people who were willing to buy it for him. And, as usual, we became the couple we had been.

And it was such an excellent week too!!! I remembered why I had fallen in love with him. We discussed finances and how we were going to be able to make everything work being in two different places. We played a couple card games together. I was able to talk to him about my day at work and he didn't get angry or jealous. It was just an all out perfect week.

And then Saturday night he asked if I'd take him over to his sisters real quick. And I did. He went in, came out a few minutes later and we were on our way back to his house. He asked me to stop at the little gas station not far from his place and I did. He came out with a case.

We got back to his house. He got out and I drove away.

He left 19 voice mails the next day on my cell phone. The first few early in the morning......calm, peaceful, "please call me when you get a chance, I want to hear your voice, I love you". And as the day went on, as he drank more, the worse they got. And by the end of the day the message was more along the lines of "I'm packing up all the rest of your **** so you can come and get it, I don't ever want you back here at my house and if I ever see you with another guy I'll break his f-ing neck". And so on and so forth. But of course, that long message was ended with "but remember I'll always love you".

By the end of the day I had a headache from rolling my eyes in "I DON'T CARE ANYMORE" disgust.

That was last Sunday. By Tuesday I finally answered the phone when he called and he was sober. I spent Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and all of this morning with him and it's been a great few (sober) days. Then tonight I called to let him know I was on my way (we had plans for dinner and a movie tonight). And he made a comment that he was sitting there playing on the computer, sipping a beer, listening to the radio.

I thanked him for ruinning my evening. Said he should have figured it out by now that I will not have anything to do with him while he's drinking and I'm sorry his beer was more important than the person he claims to love.

And of course he went into his drinking is not HIS problem it's MY problem and the reason I left was because of my job or my kids or so on and so forth. Anything and everything except for the fact that he's an abusive manipulative drunken jerk and I want no part of that!!!!!

But I'm not quite as strong as I think I am. I'm good and strong right now. But I know it's only a matter of days before he's out of beer and out of money and he'll be the sweet guy I met two years ago; the one I want to be with. And I'll go and be with him like I always do. And I know it's only a matter of time before I'm right back here when I am now, feeling ashamed and disappointed and let down.

I just don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him but I don't want to be with someone when and only when it's convenient for them! I don't want to be chosen last over a beer!!!! You either want me or you don't......period. It's not when you can't get a drink!!!!

That's what I say tonight though. I'm sure it'll be different in a few days, when he's sober again. I wish I had more control over all of this. I wish I could explain it to him in a way that will open his eyes!!!

But I know I can't. And it's so odd. I KNOW that I can't but the more I sit back and think about it the more I realize that I'm still always trying to control him, his drinking.

It's a vicious roller coaster and I really do want to get off. But, yet, we always walk it off and then end up right back in line, waiting for our next turn.

headbangea108:

Ago

I would only change two words in that quote

him and his to you and you

You are the one getting in the Tiger cage again and again, you can't "explain" "being a Tiger" to Tigers

This is as good as it's going to get, it's actually going to get worse, well....I guess if it's "Politically correct" to "let" adults drink themselves to death, I guess it must be "PC" to "let" people go into situations where they will get beaten, possibly fatally.

If you did want to really get off the "roller coaster" more then you wanted to stay, you would.

There truly is no "try", there is only "do"

and what you are doing is playing with a "loaded gun" with the same probable outcome.

Well........Let us know how everything works out.....if you can I mean.

TakingCharge999

Hi kvb816!

"It's a vicious roller coaster and I really do want to get off. But, yet, we always walk it off and then end up right back in line, waiting for our next turn."

It does not seem you really do want to get off. If you REALLY wanted to get off, you would have already.

One question, are you attending individual therapy? It has helped me so much, I wish everybody on this planet would go. I believe it may help you. Have you tried Al anon?

Second question, are you planning on living the rest of your life this way? It seems that is the decision you are taking. A fractured cheekbone? What else has to be fractured before you protect yourself? Do you have to lose sight? Mobility? What will it take?

I would like to mention I am not judging you, but as someone who almost went insane, I would like to kindly remind you of the saying "insanity is making the same decisions over and over again, and expecting the same results".

I am glad you are posting, and glad to know you, although sad it had to be under these circumstances. ((hugs))

Ago

I forgot to ask....

so what changed?

suki44883

You said "I don't want to lose him." My question is....Why not??? He is an abuser. He's beaten you at least once. If you keep going back, he WILL do it again. It's a slap in the face to those who went out of their way to help you get away from him. If you don't care enough about yourself to get and stay away from him, do it for your kids!

isurvived

Sad.

I hope you can find the inner-strength and self-respect to leave this situation.

Chrysalis123

Please...think of your KIDS. What are your kids learning from watching you handle this? What are they learning about how men treat women?

If you can't see to get off the rollercoaster for you do it FOR THEM.

Freedom1990

Love is kind, not brutal. Love is gentle, not violent.

I was you once, only I married my abuser. I'll never forget the first time he hit me. He bawled like a baby and said "I've never hit a woman in my life."

What my brain heard was "I've never hit a woman before so obviously you are defective and deserved it."

That led to five years of complete insanity. I had my head banged into walls, slapped across the back of the head, bodyslammed to the floor, and thrown down the basements steps. I've had a knife stuck to my side and been choked to where I passed out. I was lucky to make it out alive.

My oldest daughter, now 31, was there for that between the ages of 3-8. She can't remember most of it. I have no doubt her coping mechanism for the horror of watching her mother being beaten is blocking it out.

I hope you make it out alive too, and before further damage is done to those precious children.

I care.

:ghug :ghug

suki44883

It's been awhile since I've been on here. Last time I posted I got a few dozens responses, almost begging me to leave my ABF. I really did listen to what everyone had to say, but I chose not to put anymore of an effort into leaving than what I had already done. And about a month ago now I showed up at work with a fractured cheekbone, a black and blue, blood shot eye and a busted lip.

So, you ignored the advice given you last time. What are you going to do differently this time?

bluejay6

"And I'll go and be with him like I always do."

Since you are very good at storytelling, just be sure you finish this story and include all of the characters:

"And I'll go and be with him like I always do. And my children will lie in bed at night with their hearts trembling and their minds racing because they KNOW something really bad is going to happen tomorrow and if it doesn't happen tomorrow, it will for sure happen the next day, and who will protect me, they will ask themselves, from destruction? Because it sure won't be mom because it is CLEAR that she thinks only of HERSELF and HER BOYFRIEND and WE MEAN NOTHING TO HER.
And the abandonment and violence and neglect will go on and on and on and when they are in so much pain they can hardly bear it, they will start cutting themselves, or shooting heroin, or selling their sex.....or maybe just marry somebody who beats them up in between the times he's telling them he loves them."

Your post makes me furious.

Daisy30

I was so hopeful when I read in your post that you left him..... but then I kept reading and I was literally banging my hand on my head and saying "no,no,no".

YOU ARE STRONG, YOU ARE HALF WAY THERE, YOU CAN DO THIS!!

reread your post. Look at the cycle. Nothing changes, if nothing changes.

So you know you can't change him. WHo can you change? You.

I found it helpful to go to Al-anon. Get a sponsor. And educate myself about the disease. Marriage on the Rocks, is a great book, it is a quick easy read full of good info. Also the "Getting them Sober" books are a great place to start.

Try and go no contact for a while. Maybe set a deadline if that helps. Maybe 1 month. Work on your recovery, focus on yourself.

I know I never knew how sick I was until I started to recover.

We are here for you! YOU CAN GET OFF THE ROLLERCOASTER! ((()))

Bernadette

I don't want to lose him but I don't want to be with someone when and only when it's convenient for them! I don't want to be chosen last over a beer!!!! You either want me or you don't......period. It's not when you can't get a drink!!!!

Well then you don't want THIS man.

This man is an alcoholic. He is just doing EXACTLY what alcoholics do! He will always choose booze over you.

So if you REALLy don't "want to be with someone when and only when it's convenient for them! I don't want to be chosen last over a beer!!!!" then you don't want to be with this alcoholic man. Period.

So what is it you REALLY want? The impossible? Every day to be like his few sober days a month?

Can't happen.

Believe it.

I just don't know what to do.
Really? Really???????
OK.
But, if you did know what to do, what would you do??

peace,
b

Daisy30

Please go back and read your old posts. Reread the advice. only you can choose to do something with that advice.
Only you can choose to stop the cycle.

If nothing every changes in this relationship would you be happy with it in a year? 5 years? Are you okay with the occasional beating, disrespect and threats?

YOU ARE WORTHY OF MORE. YOU ARE WORHTY OF LOVE, REAL LOVE.

What does your ideal partner look like? Do they lift you up when you are down? Care about things because you care about them? Make time for you and your family? Hold you values? Treat you with respect. Are they honest?

kv816

I guess I wasn't clear in my post. I'm not actually living with him anymore. We talk on the phone ever day or two. We get together for a few evenings, usually dinner and watch a little tv together before I go home. I won't move back in with him; I feel so much better being out on my own. I guess my biggest fault right now, that I can see (among many) is that I'm still in a way trying to protect and save him. And I have to get it out of my head that I can't do that.

Daisy30

I understood that you were no longer living together (I can't speak for anyone else), but you are still involved with him quite regularly. Still "dating" him.

I think all of the comments here are based on that

Freedom1990

I completely understood that you are no longer living with him. I also read this:
That was a month ago. Now it's okay to spend a few evenings together, talk on the phone.

That man deserves to do time for what he did to you.

Do you really think you're safe now that you don't live with him?

I took a gamble and moved 2 hours away from my EXAH, hoping he'd be too strung out to come and hunt me down. Fortunately I was right.

It hurts my heart that you think so poorly of yourself that you settle for that.

As I said, I was once you.

Thank God I don't have to live like that anymore.

prodigal

So HE beats YOU up, and you want to save HIM??? I hope and pray to God that you think first and foremost about saving yourself. I am a former battered spouse.

My exAH did it once.

And he did it again. And again.

I also hope and pray that you will realize how sick this relationship is, and how sick you have become. It is NEVER, NEVER, NEVER justified for someone to hit someone else.

You aren't living with him but you are in contact with him and seeing him. After he was the perpetrator of domestic violence.

I lived through that type of hell for almost five years. I finally got a restraining order, got my stuff out of the marital home. And I did NOT look back.

Please get help. You are minimizing what has been done to you as a form of denial. What you consider a "fault" by trying to "protect" and "save" this man is a form of sick codependency.

naive

kv816-

i imagine that its hard to read all of our responses as they are unanimous in urging you to get clear of this guy. its hard to break it off all together. i'm glad to hear that you have your own place.

why don't you try a one month break from him? that might help you see this situation more clearly. it's hard to see things clearly while you are still entwined with him.

obviously, we all feel you are at risk. this is because we have seen this over and over again and As tend to follow a pattern. we are worried you will be seriously hurt next time, and we also feel there will be a next time.

why not take a break? you can easily do this, now that you have your own place.

he's still drinking so you are still at risk. things aren't going to change if he feels he can get off the drink for a few days and then you will come back to him.

really, the best thing you can do for him is to stand your ground and let him suffer the effects of his drinking. he needs help and your companionship isn't helping him really...

i know, easier said than done, but these types of situations tend to only get progressively worse rather than improve. as long as the alcohol is in the picture.

naive

MeHandle

Bernadette said:"This man is an alcoholic. He is just doing EXACTLY what alcoholics do! He will always choose booze over you."

This man is more then an alcoholic. He is a violent domestic abuser.Not all alcoholics hit woman/men. Like most here I understand the "threat" of violence, which in itself is abusive. Many here know and have lived with the risk that this line may be crossed when they live with an alcoholic that threatens violence to themselves,others or things ,unless they are in denial that a drunk could cross this line. However, your "partner" HAS CROSSED IT! You now know YOU ARE IN DANGER of violence and the consequences of physical violence when you are with him!

Question: Why didn't you press charges? ( I am not assuming anything, I am sincerely asking you this. How much thought did you give this yet , if any?)

I have read and spoke to others who have there "Not a question, I would leave for that" boundary and they mean it and have. For me I don't get that a partner would need to struggle with their conscience of leaving a "cheating" AH/ABF, or that someone not yet married(or living as like they are married in every way) would continue a relationship when abuse towards them is already present , but almost every woman I talk to would leave if there partner PUNCHED THEM IN THE FACE one time and would cut off all communication for this. I say woman as I know 2 men who were willing to go through being punched by their wife's before they had received enough to leave, read a few of them too.

Once he has crossed into actual physical abuse of your person it becomes easier to cross the line again. And of course, once you have gone back to him while he is still an active drinker AND HAS PUNCHED YOU IN THE FACE it is easier for you to continue to cross this line.

Could you respond to this question: Do you have any boundary where you have said or say," I would not stay if he _______ .(<--- did this) note: I say not stay as the way you explain your situation in writing your version of leaving and going back is like "staying."

After this I won't respond to you if your post continue on the line of thinking of
" but i know i will go back." If nothing changes, nothing changes. We here would just be feeding the insanity to comment on your venting. So I hope you move from honest venting to what action you are taking. Your honesty about your behavior here was a good thing, if it is for the purpose of moving beyond what ? you really don't want to be doing? Yes?

love tammy

MeHandle

I am guessing you keep going back because you feel your are in love with him? And be maybe because you believe there is hope because he loves you?

Does he really love you as one should be loved?( Read below-
my perspective on who has all knowledge to speak as the author of love is obvious as this is from the Bible)

1 Corinthians 13

Love

1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.


So is the above how you want to be loved by who you choose to be a partner? Is you present ABF who you haven't let go of anywhere close to the above? ? Do your feelings line up with the behaviors of reality?

love tammy