If murder was legal.........

Old 05-29-2009, 11:47 AM
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If murder was legal.........

Oh my gosh I just want to scream. I went to my son's school to do my volunteering today and was irate with the results.

Last night I picked my son up from dads to have him at a meeting with a woman who provides community support. I dropped him off an hour before bedtime after we were done.

He needed a bath last night and of course when I went to his school today he smelled. The underneath of his nails are dirty and his teeth are not brushed. Dad says to me "It wasn't bath night". Grrrrrrrr. I let him know the schedule is not more important than our son being clean.

He has no gas at his house right now and is blaming that on me, so he has no hot water to bath our son. I see it as his own fault due to lack of communication with me. We have a unique crappy situation I am working my way out of right now. He feels he is responsible for nothing. Geesh.

Our son's home reading homework has not been done the whole week, he had a hard time with his spelling test today as he had little practice during the week. He didn't wear his school shirt yesterday that was written in his agenda to wear, as it was at my house so dad just put him in a blue one. The agenda did say school shirt or blue one but I live a three minute drive away and would have just dropped it off for him.

I got every excuse in the book for why our son is faltering in school etc. I told him that if he couldn't do it right now as his program is taking too much time away from every day life all he has to do is let me know and I will care for our son. The teacher even notices from week to week who has him. I am not just seeing things that are not there.

He says I am being difficult, trying to control his program and our son is not neglected at all with him. I know different. I could just scream.

Thanks for listening to me vent.
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Old 05-29-2009, 11:54 AM
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Originally Posted by livnfrme View Post
I got every excuse in the book for why our son is faltering in school etc. I told him that if he couldn't do it right now as his program is taking too much time away from every day life all he has to do is let me know and I will care for our son. The teacher even notices from week to week who has him. I am not just seeing things that are not there.
It sounds to me like the current arrangement of him having your son every other week is doing a lot of damage to your son.

I'm not sure how having a utility such as gas shut off and not being able to bathe him constitutes being a responsible parent.

Is this a legal custody agreement the two of you have?

I wouldn't hesitate for a moment to put a screeching halt to the current visitation if it were my child.
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Old 05-29-2009, 12:10 PM
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The title of your thread threw me off for a second. Joking about wanting to murder someone is a bit strong for me.

So, I'm glad you are not contemplating murder, or even character assassination.

Anyway, its easy to understand your frustration. The situation needs to be improved and there are things you can do to improve it.

One thing would be to focus on the really important issue(s) and let the less important ones go. The issue of whether your ex sends your son to school in a school shirt vs an approved blue shirt is probably a non-issue. I'd let that go.

The issues that require your action are those having to do with welfare and safety of the child. Shelter, stability, food, rest, support for schoolwork are the priorities. Its also important that you not draw your son in the middle of the parental dispute.
This means that, although you are irate that he was not bathed properly, you should address this to the appropriate channels and powers that can help improve conditions.

Not to your son.

However you have come to this current child custody agreement, it may be time to revise it for a period of 90 days while dad gets more stable. Approach the mediator that helped you two and see if you can get some response this way. It doesn't really matter if dad says you are a mean person, controlling or whatever. That stuff is also in the category of "let it go"....
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Old 05-29-2009, 12:11 PM
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Wow.. I don't have kids, so take that for what it's worth, but when I break it down like this, I think I see a pretty clear solution..

1. No gas / hot water in his home
2. Can't (or won't) provide a bath/shower for his son.
3. Won't go out of his way to make sure his son is properly dressed.
4. His actions are negatively affecting your son's education.
5. Doesn't recognize (or care) that any of the above are problems.

I'm not sure this guy respects himself, much less you or your child.
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Old 05-29-2009, 12:21 PM
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Why do you choose to put your son in a potentially dangerous situation? He is being neglected at the least. Why do you continue to put your son in your AH's custody?
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Old 05-29-2009, 12:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
It sounds to me like the current arrangement of him having your son every other week is doing a lot of damage to your son.

I'm not sure how having a utility such as gas shut off and not being able to bathe him constitutes being a responsible parent.

Is this a legal custody agreement the two of you have?

I wouldn't hesitate for a moment to put a screeching halt to the current visitation if it were my child.
Dad moved out of the home two months ago and he has been taking our son weekly since then. This is the first week I have noticed such a change. I am not sure what is going on but a halt is exactly where things are at now.

I am in control of visitation according to court papers so I have no problem with taking over day to day care of our son.

The gas thing is ridiculous. We have two houses for our business and we have had for a while. At the house I live in the gas account was in his name until yesterdy. The gas account at his house was in my name. The gas company made switching it quite difficult for the past two months. The other companies were fine with all the switches when I did those. Yesterday he told me his gas was cut off. I was not happy as he would not communicate with me who was taking care of each gas company and paying of the bills at each. I have taken over all of the finances just recently cause he was spending lots of money on alcohol and pot for the last four months and I got sick of it.

I didn't worry about it anymore and just left it until he let me know what he thought should be done. He called the gas company I guess and made a payment arrangement for June 1st for the house I live in, didn't tell me and went with his own understanding of the situation. I didn't make any calls regarding my account at the house he lives in. His gas was cut off and he is angry with me. I let him know if he had communicated to me what he did, I would have known my part and would have done what was required. He will only communicate with me if he wants money. Now he is angry with me about his gas getting cut off. I tried to discuss it with him on numerous occasions but he wouldn't so I left it.

Yesterday I pushed the situation hard with the gas company, talked to a supervisor and explained the circumstances.

The current court order says he can have supervised visitation but I had to speak to my lawyer a few days ago to see if it would still be in effect after we reconcilled. It is still in effect so I think that is the way I am going to go.

I want him to see dad, but today is the first time I have seen neglect. One other time his toe nails weren't cut, his hair and the underneath of his nails were dirty. That is hardly enough to cut off visitation though.
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Old 05-29-2009, 12:47 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
totally, if he can't Man UP and put his kid's needs first, then he should be relieved of the responsibility, IMMEDIATELY. that may be only the tip of the iceberg as to what does NOT get done......from everything you have shared, a week is WAY too long over at dad's and to me it sounds like he is deliberately screwing it up because he really isn't that interested or focused on his child, but instead himself.

but that's just me.
From what I have read from you so far I am inclined to take in your ideas. I think it would be good for him to see dad for a few hours out of the weekends, but not overnight and to be with me during the week. I believe he is very focused on himself and not our son.

I remember when I took him to court for the present court order I tried for no acccess as dad was drinking and driving with him and taking him to pick up coke. The judge told me that it doesn't matter what he does he still has access to his son even if it is supervised. Geesh. I couldn't believe that. I want what is best for our son, but I do know the law in my province and it sucks.

I can remove access according to my court order and only provide supervised visitation and after being at the school today and seeing the results of this week with our son, I intend to do just that.
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Old 05-29-2009, 12:50 PM
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Originally Posted by livnfrme View Post
I want him to see dad, but today is the first time I have seen neglect. One other time his toe nails weren't cut, his hair and the underneath of his nails were dirty. That is hardly enough to cut off visitation though.
There is more to neglect than just physical. You said his teacher even notices the difference in him depending on which parent he's with for the week. You said he is faltering in school. That is an indication that something is very wrong, and we're not talking about the gas being shut off.

You are the only voice your son has. His father certainly isn't going to look out for his son's best interests.
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Old 05-29-2009, 12:54 PM
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Originally Posted by miss communicat View Post
The title of your thread threw me off for a second. Joking about wanting to murder someone is a bit strong for me.

So, I'm glad you are not contemplating murder, or even character assassination.

Anyway, its easy to understand your frustration. The situation needs to be improved and there are things you can do to improve it.

One thing would be to focus on the really important issue(s) and let the less important ones go. The issue of whether your ex sends your son to school in a school shirt vs an approved blue shirt is probably a non-issue. I'd let that go.

The issues that require your action are those having to do with welfare and safety of the child. Shelter, stability, food, rest, support for schoolwork are the priorities. Its also important that you not draw your son in the middle of the parental dispute.
This means that, although you are irate that he was not bathed properly, you should address this to the appropriate channels and powers that can help improve conditions.

Not to your son.

However you have come to this current child custody agreement, it may be time to revise it for a period of 90 days while dad gets more stable. Approach the mediator that helped you two and see if you can get some response this way. It doesn't really matter if dad says you are a mean person, controlling or whatever. That stuff is also in the category of "let it go"....
There was no mediator. That didn't work and I have a court order. I would never address this issue to our son and adultify him that way. Good point though as many parents do that, and use the child as a weapon against the other parent.

The idea of ninety days is a good one. We can revisit this at any time.

I guess the shirt thing upsets me because it is the norm. If he has to go in costume, projects need to be done, canvassing needs to be done, or book orders due, I take care of all of that.

I have been told that it is not my issue, that I can't save our son from dad's behaviors and he just has to deal with it, and I can't control everything. I have been told to give him the tools to deal with it but I feel that is putting too much on his shoulders and he is too little for that. I realize we all parent differently but his school work has to be done and I don't want him to be the child feeling left out all the time because he is the only one not in the appropriate attire regularly.

I have thought of letting our son know that if he needs something like his school shirt again he can just call me and I will supply him with all his needs. This isn't about letting dad off and me taking on all the responsibility in my mind....I really don't care about that, I just want what is best for our son.
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Old 05-29-2009, 12:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Barbara52 View Post
Why do you choose to put your son in a potentially dangerous situation? He is being neglected at the least. Why do you continue to put your son in your AH's custody?
I just got wind of it this morning. Things have been not like this for the last two months, so I don't feel I contine to put him in a dangerous situation. I have addressed it as soon as I am aware and I do check regularly of his emotional and physical state when he is out of my care, with anyone. I am a little confused by your response.
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Old 05-29-2009, 01:02 PM
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I feel so bad for this innocent child. I hope you see the damage this is doing.. now it's so obvious, think of what you might have been missing.

So you are in control of visitation, it's your call.. and though you can't stay with your husband due to his behaviors, a child was/is ok there? (well we know now that he's not).

Does someone with SOME authority and unbiased sense have any oversight in this case? Child services etc??

Ugh.. sad.. I have to ignore this thread.
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Old 05-29-2009, 01:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
There is more to neglect than just physical. You said his teacher even notices the difference in him depending on which parent he's with for the week. You said he is faltering in school. That is an indication that something is very wrong, and we're not talking about the gas being shut off.

You are the only voice your son has. His father certainly isn't going to look out for his son's best interests.
I couldn't agree more. Thank you for that response. I feel quite upset with the fact that the courts do not recognize the emotional state of the child. Well they do but it takes lots to prove it.

I wonder to what extend he should be faltering in school and when that means to take action. Anytime a child goes through a signifigant change in their lives it will cause them to backslide somewhat. As to how much they backslide and for how long determines how much risk they are at I think.

I am not happy that the teacher has not let me know until very recently about his issues. She let me know last week she has seen a change in behavior, but that is to be expected. I saw with my own eyes today the change when he is at school. I am not happy the teacher has not let me know the extent of the change until today when I came to her with it.
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Old 05-29-2009, 01:07 PM
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Originally Posted by livnfrme View Post
I just got wind of it this morning. Things have been not like this for the last two months, so I don't feel I contine to put him in a dangerous situation. I have addressed it as soon as I am aware and I do check regularly of his emotional and physical state when he is out of my care, with anyone. I am a little confused by your response.

My comment was based solely on what you posted right here. IMO your child is being neglected when at his father's and is in a potentially dangerous situation there. If you only found out about it, I am glad you are ready to put a stop to it.

I feel so much empatahy for the kids who suffer becasue of a parent's alcoholism having been thru it myself. And yeah, I did indeed know something was very young age, certainly before I went to kindergarten.

I am not attacking you. I just want your son to be protected as much as possible.
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Old 05-29-2009, 01:11 PM
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I can remove access according to my court order and only provide supervised visitation and after being at the school today and seeing the results of this week with our son, I intend to do just that.

Sounds like a plan, livnfrme!

We live and learn, huh? Sad that AH is making these choices but they're HIS choices. All you can do is protect your son as best you can.

Glad you're going to make these adjustments...
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Old 05-29-2009, 01:19 PM
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I understand about the courts and recognizing any potential emotional damage. My experience with the courts over the years has been less than stellar for sure.


I am glad you're taking action to revise visitation. Give that little boy a hug for me!

:ghug :ghug
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Old 05-29-2009, 01:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Barbara52 View Post
My comment was based solely on what you posted right here. IMO your child is being neglected when at his father's and is in a potentially dangerous situation there. If you only found out about it, I am glad you are ready to put a stop to it.

I feel so much empatahy for the kids who suffer becasue of a parent's alcoholism having been thru it myself. And yeah, I did indeed know something was very young age, certainly before I went to kindergarten.

I am not attacking you. I just want your son to be protected as much as possible.
Thanks Barbara. I was just thinking maybe I need to do some work in communication is all. I have just stopped it. Yayyy. Dad has been told that our son will only be with me during the week, and will get to visit him on Saturday and Sunday for eight hours a day. That way our son get's a good period of time with dad, and I am responsible for baths, school work and all the important stuff.

Maybe then with dad going to meetings five nights a week and still going to a couple meetings on the weekends it will free up more time for his own recovery. Not really my problem but if I am to support our son, I am to support his dad as well with his program.
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Old 05-29-2009, 01:57 PM
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Originally Posted by GiveLove View Post
Sounds like a plan, livnfrme!

We live and learn, huh? Sad that AH is making these choices but they're HIS choices. All you can do is protect your son as best you can.

Glad you're going to make these adjustments...
Well I am trying. Last night our son and I had a talk about feelings, how we have to talk about them to get them out and make room for more to enter us. I explained if we get too stuffed up with our feelings there is no room for more and we don't give ourselves the option to feel. In little guy terms of course.

I started a book with him last night about alcoholism in parents. It is kid friendly and made for his age group. He took it well and was very receptive and so cute about it. I am happy about spending more time with him, snuggling, sharing and seeing him happy and well cared for.

It is sad about dad's choices, but I can learn from the challenges it presents and so can our son. I am choosing to look at this from a positive point of view. Now that I have taken care of a solution I feel much better again.
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Old 05-29-2009, 01:58 PM
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Great news, livinfrme!! I am glad you are there for your son.
I agree with him, when he says YOU are his best friend
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Old 05-29-2009, 02:03 PM
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Way to go, livinfrme! Kudos to you!!!
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Old 05-29-2009, 02:39 PM
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
Great news, livinfrme!! I am glad you are there for your son.
I agree with him, when he says YOU are his best friend
Thanks for your kind words.

Now he says he can't take him on weekends as he has meetings to attend all week and on the weekends too. hahaha

I asked how he has been managing so far with our son and meetings too. He says he has been missing them all week when he has our son. If he has all week every week to get to meetings, and only has to miss them on weekends for eight hours a day and that is still a problem, he is full of it.

Talk about using the program in a manipulate way. Guess our son and I will have more time to bond then.
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