Hopeful Still

I am so blown away by the fact that I always end up being the "bad guy" when my husband is feeling stressed. Not sure that he is using again. I have resigned myself from going through is car, looking for pills, etc. It does nothing for me but cause me tears and frustration. For the past year, I have had my suspicions but haven't been able to confirm. If I confront him, he always says he hasn't done anything and is tired of trying to prove himself to me. I know we can't move forward like this, so I have stopped searching and have TRIED to stop worrying.

Last night, he was ranting on the phone looking for my son's baseball glove and was basically acting like an idiot. I told him to forget it and come to the game ... he would just have to do without the glove. After the game, he was still acting incredibly irritable, and the blame got directed right back at me. Hadn't done anything to provoke him. I am so tired of this! He is bipolar, so I never know if it is the bipolar or if he is using again or both.

How do I manage not to get sucked into this and live in a state of depression and frustration and anger? His mood and reactions DO affect my kids and me. How can they not? If he is angry and crabby, it always seems to get turned around on us.

Left him a year and a half ago, we reconciled, and then 6 months afterwards he was using again. Did the suboxone program and I thought he was doing well the past year. Now I am beginning to worry again. Don't want the kids to go through a separation again. Last time, we moved, they changed schools ... very tumultuous for them. How can I manage with this and live in this situation without making myself crazy? I want to be happy ... not stressed and worried and waiting for the other shoe to drop! I try so hard to "Let Go, Let God," but if he is using again, we will certainly be affected. Money only goes so far when your husband is using. I am so lost right now.

aasharon90

Hi, Im Sharon and Im an alcoholic.

Im sorry to hear what u r going thru.

It's not easy for the families of
alcoholics or addicts. We sure do
put our family thru lots of emotional
termoil.

How do I know this, well i put my
own family thru it.

I was the one with the problem
and hid it very well.

I could smooth over any situation
or lie my way out of it. Munipuat-
ions big time.

I do have to be grateful for what
they did for me. They did an
intervention on me, doing for
me what I couldnt do for myself.

Sending me to rehab where i
stayed for 28 days was the
best thing they ever did for
me. And for that Im truely
grateful.

Those 28 days i picked up the
tools and knowledge of my
disease of alcoholism and
a program of 12 steps to
guide me and lead me thru
each day without a drink.

My family survived me however
the cost of me staying sober,
changing and growing in
recovery was leaving them
behind with questions of
what happened to me.

When one person in the family
is sick it usually affects the
entire family. That is why
there is help for them too
in recovery.

I hope u find peace in the
mist of ur storm so u can
stay strong and take care
of urself because u r worth
it.

winnie12

For me i found that i was only the bad guy if i took on that role. Someone screams and yells and those emotions in me would start to rise that i was responsible for doing something to make them feel better. Now what i work on is when someone is yelling and screaming about silly things i just say to myself that its their problem not mine. once i detach from their problems then i no longer feel like the bad guy no matter how much they want me to take that role on.

A wise counselor told me one time that me being to blame for what happens to my AS is about as realistic as me being able to cause an earthquake in china. So she taught me a mind game where when he starts going off i say to myself "i did not cause an earthquake in china." Its silly but it helped me to learn what was his problem, his bad mood, his consequence and what was mine. If it continues then i seperate myself -i also come up with great one line responses - "that sucks that happened to you," "wow it must be tough for you to feel that that way." then i removed myself from the line of fire - whether that be needing to take a trip to the grocery store or finding some chore around the house that takes all my focus. I also sing - its hard for AS to yell at me when I'm singing some tune and it blocks the noise from my head.

I remember one time that i had rented a carpet cleaner - when you rent it you have 24 hours to get the job done. His room needed to be done because the dog had peed in there and it smelled bad. but when i went in his room he was in a "mood" demanding that i leave his room - kept unplugging the carpet cleaner. I just repeatedly plugged it back it and kept singing my song no matter how many times he unplugged it or cussed at me. Since i didnt respond or ackowledge his mood and he got no reaction at all he eventually stopped and actually came to me later and apologized for being silly.

People are going to have bad days - we're going to act silly sometimes but when you get to the point that fixing his bad moods arent your responsibility then you'll be taking a huge step away from the bad guy role.

Freedom1990

How do you suppose the current situation is affecting your kids? As difficult as it is for you to cope with what is going on, just imagine what it's like for a child right now.

Whether it's his being bipolar or he's using, is this acceptable behavior to you?

Are your kids in any sort of counseling?

splendra

Being the bad guy is a role that I do not have to play. I do what is best for me nothing more nothing less.

Hopeful Still

I really don't know what to say right now. After reading Sharon's response, I simply sat down and cried. I am crying for the mistakes I have made in dealing with this disease. After I separated from my husband, he seemed to really turn himself around and I felt that we should have gotten counseling and that I could at least give it another try. I did so, and then 6 months later he was using again. I know this is the same old song and dance. Everyone has been there before. I'm not special. But it doesn't make it any easier to accept.

After he started using again, I beat myself up for ever going back with him. I was literally 2-3 weeks away from divorce being final. He has done things (i.e., keeping his bank account and pay stub info private, stopping automatic payment of car note/insurance 1 month, locking his car in the garage and hiding his keys so I can't get in there, etc.) that he says are his ways of testing me to see if I trust him yet. WHY AM I BEING TESTED? I did nothing wrong but marry someone who turned out to be someone different than who I thought he was.

Right now, I am going to seriously try to focus on myself and my kids, live my life, let him live his and see where we end up. I can't live in fear every day. It is killing me inside. Living with regret for decisions doesn't help me move on, either.

Sorry for rambling. I just can't talk to family about this. Don't want to burden them and cause them worry. When we got back together, we decided to deal with whatever comes our way TOGETHER instead of running to family/friends for advice. I have stayed committed to that, but it has isolated me. Thanks for your words of support.

Freedom1990

What are you going to do to help your children cope?

Hopeful Still

I am going to take care of myself and my kids and worry about our happiness and let him worry about himself. My kids are actually great. They don't know about my feelings and worries. I keep them to myself. They are happy to be together as a family, have their friends and activities, etc. They are in no danger, nor am I. I just am tired of dealing with his erratic mood swings and irritability. I will not take it on my shoulders any longer. It is his problem ... not mine. I am going to worry about ME for a change. Thanks for your words of encouragement.