Ceridwen

I had changed my ceridwen log-in name because my H had started using things that I had written in the past against me and I was trying to maintain some privacy over some very dark, private thoughts. But hey, if I don’t lock them away, he reads my diary, my texts, my internet history, my emails: there is no privacy. So, I’ve resurrected a very old log-in, as I really like my log-in name.

I thought I would quickly update people here. After 3 months of waiting for M (AH) to move out, much changing of minds and pushing back the deadline (on his part) he has moved into his flat.

The last 3 months have been very difficult, for both of us I am sure, but I am going to keep the focus on me here as much as possible. My counsellor has been great, in focussing my mind on what I need and want, how my decisions about our situation are important not only for the children, but also for me. And that I am allowed to do what is best for me, to stop my pain, even if others find it difficult and painful. Imagine that!!! I have been working on how to mitigate the effects on the children, and accepting that the long-term good that out weighs the short-term distress for them. It is painful watching my son process the pain of separating from his father (even though they see each other every day and arguably have far more of a relationship now than they did before this) and to know that I have a large part in that. I am learning to fight the need to fix the immediate problem at the expense of the bigger picture.

My boss is great in allowing me greater flexibility so that I can manage being solely responsible for the children and working. My lawyer has been great in letting me know where I stand legally and backing up that the safeguards I am putting in place for the children are more than reasonable (legally).

My family is being supportive, whilst not judging M, they view this as an illness. My in-laws are being great.

It has been 2 short weeks since he moved out and things have not settled yet between us. M is drinking. At present I do not hold out much hope of him stopping and us being able to try to salvage our marriage.

But my life is 1000 times better than it was before: I have more time, I am doing the things that are important to me, I am smiling, I am relaxing, I have more energy, I am sleeping well at night, I have stopped worrying, I am doing better at work, I have started gardening again, I have friends come over.

I have times when I am sad, or angry about the situation, about M, about the effect on the children, about my finances, but I am not worried about our future, or our present. I find dealing with M difficult at times, much of it is wholly unpredictable, but it is for short bursts of the day and as I have time to process the encounters and gain perspective on things, or forget about them and concentrate on the moment: it is no longer my whole life. The children and I laugh a lot.

I just wanted those who are in pain know that the future can be brighter, not perfect, nothing ever is, but wonderfully imperfect.

when I posted about the incident that ended up being the catalyst for us separating, some one (barbara? bernadette?) posted something along the lines of "please do move forward, you and your children deserve so much more than this". It was very simple, but profound to me and I have kept that in my head.

we do deserve far more than the situation I was keeping us in, and moving forward has been scary and painful and I have had to constantly fight the urge to placate in order to restore the status quo.

thanks everyone who is here, you have all helped me far more than you know

hmmmm....not such a quick update then!

FunnyOne

You have given me hope, thank you.

blessed4x

You are about 2 weeks ahead of me (mine moved out a couple days ago), and I could ditto everything you said.....even down to watching the pain of my son seperate and wanting to immediately fix it.

thank you for sharing so eloquently!!

GiveLove

Heyyyy, (((( ceridwen )))

I'm so glad to see you again, though I probably saw you here before but just didn't recognize you

Thanks so much for the update. I always feel funny inside when people come back and talk about their good progress -- not because their progress isn't brilliant, but because (being a good codie myself) I find myself wishing there were something I could do to make it less painful. I know, I know LOL it doesn't work that way.

Keep on focusing on you & the kids...I'm glad you have such an excellent support system. Hope to see you here more often as you have time!

:ghug

TakingCharge999

((Ceridwen))

I do remember you. I am so glad you came here to update us about your new great life!
Congratulations, you sound so much different. I liked all your post, especially the part where you and your children laugh a lot.That is how life was supposed to be like in the first place!!