Disturbing Thoughts.... not good.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 100
Disturbing Thoughts.... not good.
Ok so most of you know, I'm pending charges at the moment for a DUI and other traffic offences...
After a good month of internet research, and a VERY helpful lawyer today, I have realised that there is a very good chance I may be deported.
This whole thing- just seems to get worse, and I haven't even had the joy of seeing a disclosure yet (from the courts).
I JUST moved here about 9 months ago, and was VERY happy with my location, and future prospects... but now, have had the realisation that I'm probably going straight back to the UK.
Nobody was hurt in the incident, I cannot stress it enough, but I know how irresponsible I have been, and am willing to pay the price.
Anyway, I have been having suicidal thoughts lately, I am simply losing grip at the moment, and I know, that TRULY inside me, I would never consider suicide. Just walking back from AA tonight (a friend celebrated his 16th year sober) I kept having the thought of just ending it all, litterally, the thought in my head was that I had to find a gun, and shoot myself in the head.
Litterally, in my head I kept thinking "Boom, and it's ALL gone"
I am quite litterally scared out of my mind that I would have these thoughts, and to be 33 days sober, while having a legal preceeding going on like this is doing me no good at all. I have a wonderful partner who said that should the **** hit the fan, and I get deported, she would come with me- as long as we're together, she said.
I am still sober though, that, they WILL not take from me this time.
With all this being a first offence, I am quite litterally stuck living by the "yesterday, today and tommorow", we had made plans to move recently, and with the threat of deportation, this looks unfeesable. I am just very glad, that at this point, we don't have children, as I was moved around a lot as a child, and it definately affected me.
I don't really know what else to say, apart from it is a struggle to live even hour by hour at this point. I still have the determination not to drink though.
I met a friend in a bar yesterday, and drank coffee, litterally, the desire to drink has gone.
Any helpful words at this point would be great, as I really feel as if I'm losing it and coming apart at the seams. Apparently I am facing jail time too, and I dread to think what might happen, should I just become a statistic and end up branded a criminal for life.
HELP......
Thankyou,
I hope you're all doing great, and I wish you another 24.
After a good month of internet research, and a VERY helpful lawyer today, I have realised that there is a very good chance I may be deported.
This whole thing- just seems to get worse, and I haven't even had the joy of seeing a disclosure yet (from the courts).
I JUST moved here about 9 months ago, and was VERY happy with my location, and future prospects... but now, have had the realisation that I'm probably going straight back to the UK.
Nobody was hurt in the incident, I cannot stress it enough, but I know how irresponsible I have been, and am willing to pay the price.
Anyway, I have been having suicidal thoughts lately, I am simply losing grip at the moment, and I know, that TRULY inside me, I would never consider suicide. Just walking back from AA tonight (a friend celebrated his 16th year sober) I kept having the thought of just ending it all, litterally, the thought in my head was that I had to find a gun, and shoot myself in the head.
Litterally, in my head I kept thinking "Boom, and it's ALL gone"
I am quite litterally scared out of my mind that I would have these thoughts, and to be 33 days sober, while having a legal preceeding going on like this is doing me no good at all. I have a wonderful partner who said that should the **** hit the fan, and I get deported, she would come with me- as long as we're together, she said.
I am still sober though, that, they WILL not take from me this time.
With all this being a first offence, I am quite litterally stuck living by the "yesterday, today and tommorow", we had made plans to move recently, and with the threat of deportation, this looks unfeesable. I am just very glad, that at this point, we don't have children, as I was moved around a lot as a child, and it definately affected me.
I don't really know what else to say, apart from it is a struggle to live even hour by hour at this point. I still have the determination not to drink though.
I met a friend in a bar yesterday, and drank coffee, litterally, the desire to drink has gone.
Any helpful words at this point would be great, as I really feel as if I'm losing it and coming apart at the seams. Apparently I am facing jail time too, and I dread to think what might happen, should I just become a statistic and end up branded a criminal for life.
HELP......
Thankyou,
I hope you're all doing great, and I wish you another 24.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 21
Oh man. This must have been very difficult to post, original. It sounds like you're in an overwhelming situation; I'm glad to see that you have a good lawyer and, more importantly, a supportive SO. And you also have your sobriety, which means you're staying in control. I don't want to minimize the gravity of your situation, but take comfort in the fact that other people have made far bigger mistakes and recovered. This isn't the end of your life. Have you talked to your SO about how you're feeling?
I got nothin'
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Hello, original. Make sure you stay surrounded by people. Do not isolate. And please call for emergency help if you are suicidal. Talk to your SO. Keep in contact with people who care. I know things are slow right now at SR, but keep checking in. Keep hanging on, okay?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 100
Yes, she does. We share everything...
But I do fear that I'm becoming ill with worry.
It is only when we combine yesterday and tommorow that we break down, but in this case, I am constantly forced to think of at least tommorow.. It is by far, the most difficult situation of my life.
I feel as if I'm at the end of my rope, with nowhere to go, apart from back to where I couldn't wait to escape from... (the UK)
No offence to the Brit's here, it's just that, well, I only had an existance there, not a life.
Scared, ill, and off to bed...
At least I'm getting used to british time again...
(crap attempt at some humour...)
Thankyou Lucid
speak soon
But I do fear that I'm becoming ill with worry.
It is only when we combine yesterday and tommorow that we break down, but in this case, I am constantly forced to think of at least tommorow.. It is by far, the most difficult situation of my life.
I feel as if I'm at the end of my rope, with nowhere to go, apart from back to where I couldn't wait to escape from... (the UK)
No offence to the Brit's here, it's just that, well, I only had an existance there, not a life.
Scared, ill, and off to bed...
At least I'm getting used to british time again...
(crap attempt at some humour...)
Thankyou Lucid
speak soon
live to ride ride to live
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 1,390
You sure do have a full plate but it's never too late to turn things around. Having suicidal thoughts doesn't mean that you have to end it that way. Thoughts are just that.....thoughts. Could this be a sign you could use extra help dealing with this? have you talked to a therapist? if not maybe you should. Anxiety and stress are not a good place to be and there are ways to cope with it other than ending your life. I've been there and I can say without a doubt that things will and can get better.
So find a good therapist or group support and talk about how you feel and what you think. It's important to get support.
So find a good therapist or group support and talk about how you feel and what you think. It's important to get support.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Original a few things if I may suggest:
1. Make sure you are not alone with the thoughts you are having right now. Make sure you have a hotline number handy.
2. It was an excellent thing letting your SO know how you are feeling, I would highly reccommend you call folks you know in AA and get all the support you can, the feelings you are having right now are not rare for alcoholics, many of us have experience with having the thoughts you are having now and know ways to get past them.
3. Seek professional help if these thoughts start to get serious.
You speak of struggling with tomorrow even though you know better, let me throw this suggestion out there for you to contemplate.Do what you need to do to prepare for tomorrow, then when you have done all you can do today to prepare for tomorrow, drop it!!!
Go to a new comers meeting and grab a newcomer and share with them how you have stayed sober today even with all the crap you are facing right now, when you help some one else you will be helping your self. Also do not hesitate to let folks you know in AA your present thoughts, there is a lot of experience with those thoughts in the rooms, the thoughts you are having are far from rare for alcoholics, especially those new to sobriety.
1. Make sure you are not alone with the thoughts you are having right now. Make sure you have a hotline number handy.
2. It was an excellent thing letting your SO know how you are feeling, I would highly reccommend you call folks you know in AA and get all the support you can, the feelings you are having right now are not rare for alcoholics, many of us have experience with having the thoughts you are having now and know ways to get past them.
3. Seek professional help if these thoughts start to get serious.
You speak of struggling with tomorrow even though you know better, let me throw this suggestion out there for you to contemplate.Do what you need to do to prepare for tomorrow, then when you have done all you can do today to prepare for tomorrow, drop it!!!
Go to a new comers meeting and grab a newcomer and share with them how you have stayed sober today even with all the crap you are facing right now, when you help some one else you will be helping your self. Also do not hesitate to let folks you know in AA your present thoughts, there is a lot of experience with those thoughts in the rooms, the thoughts you are having are far from rare for alcoholics, especially those new to sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Original,
When I got sober, I was looking at some consequences (legal, child custody, job) that I didn't think I could survive. I thought I would lose my mind with fear and anxiety. The only thing, and I mean the only thing that allowed me to face those consequences or outcomes was a focus on working AA's 12 steps. When that panic would rise up, I would walk outside and say the 3rd step prayer. Then 10 minutes later I would say it again. Hundreds of times. It's not a prayer about outcomes. It's a prayer about turning my will and life over.
When I got sober, I was looking at some consequences (legal, child custody, job) that I didn't think I could survive. I thought I would lose my mind with fear and anxiety. The only thing, and I mean the only thing that allowed me to face those consequences or outcomes was a focus on working AA's 12 steps. When that panic would rise up, I would walk outside and say the 3rd step prayer. Then 10 minutes later I would say it again. Hundreds of times. It's not a prayer about outcomes. It's a prayer about turning my will and life over.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 100
Thanks guys, I just got back from a little holiday, and am feeling a little better.
I have my whole family behind me, and can kind of see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's just so up and down all the time though, and for sure, it's intense as hell when I'm on my own.
Even little things can spiral me right back down to the bottom of the barrel (emotionalwise)
So it's just a case of Positive thinking right now...
Just thankyou for your continued support, it really helps.
Haven't touched a drink, or even thought about it- so recovery is coming along pretty well...
35 days now, and not even a THOUGHT of destroying it again.
Thankyou
PS... getting a new lawyer- which definately helps! With the old one, I didn't feel safe at all.
I have my whole family behind me, and can kind of see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's just so up and down all the time though, and for sure, it's intense as hell when I'm on my own.
Even little things can spiral me right back down to the bottom of the barrel (emotionalwise)
So it's just a case of Positive thinking right now...
Just thankyou for your continued support, it really helps.
Haven't touched a drink, or even thought about it- so recovery is coming along pretty well...
35 days now, and not even a THOUGHT of destroying it again.
Thankyou
PS... getting a new lawyer- which definately helps! With the old one, I didn't feel safe at all.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,444
Original, I hope you keep focusing on your recovery. I'm glad your family is supportive.
And, getting a new lawyer sounds like a great idea. Maybe he/she will be able to come up with a more positive outcome for you.
And, getting a new lawyer sounds like a great idea. Maybe he/she will be able to come up with a more positive outcome for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
Original, The words that I would be saying if I were in your position would be the Serenity Prayer. I say it even if I'm not in a rough situation. I may not affect the judges decision, but it may affect how you deal with it. Best of luck!
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
I can sure relate to the anxiety of awaiting court actions. My addiction lead me to numerous arrests, mostly drug related, and twice I spent time in prison as a result. I don't know the specifics of your charges nor have I been faced with deportation, but I do want to share some thoughts with you.
No matter what you are facing, agonizing over it isn't going to change what happened or what the outcome may or may not be. This is the time to seriously count your Blessings. You sound like you have a fantastic SO who is supportive and loves you. You have 35 days clean and sober. You're going to Meetings. Do you have a Sponsor or even a temporary Sponsor? How about the Steps, have you started working them yet? No matter what happens, even if worse case scenario you are deported, your SO is going with you, you can take your Sobriety with you as well as the Step work. There is AA all over the world, Sponsors too. It's not where you live that's important. It's how you live your life that matters.
The first time I was awaiting sentencing, I was using, feeling sorry for myself (I'm not saying you are, ok?) and blaming everyone else and not accepting the consequences of my actions. The 6 months I spent in prison were agonizing. I was angry, still blaming everyone else, including God. Even though I wasn't using, I still had all of the addict/alcoholic behaviors.
I had about four months in Recovery when I was arrested for a past offense that eventually lead me back to prison, but I was there a year that time. While I was awaiting sentencing, I continued in AA, continued working on the Steps and when I was sentenced, I took my Recovery, Step Work, and the tools of Recovery with me into Prison. In all honesty, that 12 months was a lot easier to do than the 6 months I did previously. I kept the inner peace that I had inside when I went back to what nearly everyone else considered hell. But I wasn't living in my own hell anymore so that made all the difference.
I'm glad that you are admitting how you are feeling. Holding things inside was one of the things that kept this addict and alcoholic sick and using. Keep talking to your SO, get busy on the Steps if you haven't started them, find a Sponsor and count your Blessings. No matter what happens in Court, you still have yourself and your Sobriety. No one can take either one of those away from you, unless you let it happen.
God Bless,
Judy
No matter what you are facing, agonizing over it isn't going to change what happened or what the outcome may or may not be. This is the time to seriously count your Blessings. You sound like you have a fantastic SO who is supportive and loves you. You have 35 days clean and sober. You're going to Meetings. Do you have a Sponsor or even a temporary Sponsor? How about the Steps, have you started working them yet? No matter what happens, even if worse case scenario you are deported, your SO is going with you, you can take your Sobriety with you as well as the Step work. There is AA all over the world, Sponsors too. It's not where you live that's important. It's how you live your life that matters.
The first time I was awaiting sentencing, I was using, feeling sorry for myself (I'm not saying you are, ok?) and blaming everyone else and not accepting the consequences of my actions. The 6 months I spent in prison were agonizing. I was angry, still blaming everyone else, including God. Even though I wasn't using, I still had all of the addict/alcoholic behaviors.
I had about four months in Recovery when I was arrested for a past offense that eventually lead me back to prison, but I was there a year that time. While I was awaiting sentencing, I continued in AA, continued working on the Steps and when I was sentenced, I took my Recovery, Step Work, and the tools of Recovery with me into Prison. In all honesty, that 12 months was a lot easier to do than the 6 months I did previously. I kept the inner peace that I had inside when I went back to what nearly everyone else considered hell. But I wasn't living in my own hell anymore so that made all the difference.
I'm glad that you are admitting how you are feeling. Holding things inside was one of the things that kept this addict and alcoholic sick and using. Keep talking to your SO, get busy on the Steps if you haven't started them, find a Sponsor and count your Blessings. No matter what happens in Court, you still have yourself and your Sobriety. No one can take either one of those away from you, unless you let it happen.
God Bless,
Judy
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
