Daisy30

I feel each one to be harder than the next. But each in a different way. They have brought me grief, wisdom, fear and relief.

My first step was starting my recovery.....now I can't imagine my life without it. It has been such a blessing.

Then leaving AH. I left many times for the night or a weekend. But seperating indefinately that was hard and freeing at the same time. Soon after came peace.

After that, turning in my legal seperation papers. It made me feel the reality of my situation. It urges me to my next step.

Buying my own place. Again, I feel frozen. I know I need to do this. I need to move forward. I need to have a yard for the kids to play in. To enjoy the summer with neighbors and friends. This apartment was only temporary, we all need a little more space to breath. The possibilities a home will provide for me is the ability to take in daycare kids. Have extra income.

But here I sit. motionless.
I am afraid to call the realtor AH and were using. I don't want to have to explain, but I feel I can trust her.
I am afraid that this makes things more permanent.
I am afraid I can't afford anything decent, that what I find will be a lemon.

I suppose I can sit here and talk myself out of it till the cows come home. Why can't I do it?

My lease is up soon. My landlord is good to me and very flexible. Ah knows my lease is up soon.
He has been on his best behavior lately. Has he changed? It makes me wonder can we ever get back together? Maybe we can be great friends and co-parents (like anvilhead)? I don't have that answer. Only time will tell.

I have really changed my perspective of our relationship in the last week. I have been not trying to "work on" a marriage. I have been trying to restore a friendship.

I suppose I need to make decisions on where I am right now. But still I sit frozen.

Thanks for listening, I am kinda rambling tonight

bookwyrm

(((Daisy)))

Change is scary, I know. I too get a paralysing fear of moving forward, of making changes. Sometimes it just gets so overwhelming I want to press the pause button and give myself time! With your lease coming to its end, it doesn't seem that's an option for you though. Buying a new place for you and the kids is a new start for you all but it doesn't mean you won't be open to reconciliation in the future.

Some of the fears you mentioned can be overcome by getting more information - you won't know what you can afford until you look right? And with the economy the way it is, it's a buyers market out there - a good time to buy. You've already gone through so many changes, no wonder you're refusing more. Be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up about it. You know what you have to do - keep taking those baby steps!

Remember to work on your friendship with you. Please give yourself some breathing room! Its very hard to try and be friends with an active A - I couldn't manage it with my STBXAH. Once the good behaviour didn't 'work' on me, I became the cause of everything wrong in the world. His drinking? My fault! Global warming? My fault too! AH stubs his toe? Yep, my fault again! It takes two to be friends and I know my AH just wasn't up to it. My marriage was supposedly built on friendship and it just vanished over time. My trying to restore it only gave AH more ammunition to hurt me with.

Ceridwen

moving forward has been very scary for me too, and the way I have moved forward (although way behind you!) has not been a smooth, same-speed motion, its been jerky, with big leaps and pauses straining to go forward or baby steps or gripping onto doing nothing for dear life.

its easy to see it in retrospect, terrifying to have it ahead of me, even when I have the evidence of how its worked out before.

sometimes I have moved forward simply by not doing what I usually do in a small situation.
sometimes by doing nothing....
sometimes by just doing the next right thing.......
if I can't take big steps I take small steps, knowing that not a one of them is irreversable.

by the way, I think you rock. you know this is painful, you aren't stuffing those feelings, pretending it doesn't hurt, you come here, you process them, you allow yourself space, and then you move on, doesn't sound like being stuck to me; sounds bloody brilliant.

FunnyOne

Daisy,
I too struggle with being frozen, even when the thermometer hitss 90. But then something (GOD) happens and I have to move on it. And that's a blessing even though it feels gut wrenching at the time. I thought we could just dangle in this living apart limbo forever, but then my "friend" broke his money agreement and now I will have to pursue it legally....so the Universe is making me make the move. I have to trust that these signs are there for a reason, propelling me into Gods plan for me. Trust. You are strong, you can do it.
I find that we can be friends for a little bit, but then my STXAH just kind of has to stir up the pot, there doesn't have to be a reason, some folks don't feel right unless they are controlling some drama.
Self care is important.
Blessings, M

Pelican

Daisy,

I think you are doing a fine job of taking steps toward a better future for yourself and your children.

I also know the feeling of hesitation at taking that next step, especially a big step. I was actively pursuing a job that would include a major move for myself and my children. I was sure it was what I needed to do to get away from my active AH. I justified the opportunity as putting us closer to a support system of family and friends. I believe it was my will, and my HP had other plans.

The day I made my decision to sign legal papers to begin the process of divorce, I got a call about a job out of the blue! It was with my same company so I would be transferring instead of quitting and beginning a 90 day probationary period with the other job. I would still be moving to another city, but not a huge city. It would give me a raise, better hours and an opportunity to stretch my wings and be me (not his wife). I went to the interview and it was apparent they wanted me, I was perfect for the job, and I think I was the only real candidate. I was highly recommended. But I did not accept the job right away. I walked away and told them I would let them know something soon.:wtf2

I surprised myself with the hesitation. Here was the opportunity I wanted, yet I wasn't taking it right away. Why? I discussed it with family. I believe it was because it would bring about more grieving. This would be the physical step of me leaving behind the fairy tale and moving into my own reality. I did have more grieving to do. I needed to say good bye to the house that I had wanted. I needed to say good bye to my favorite pet who was buried there, again. I needed to say good bye to my routines in that community and start over somewhere else, and I would be taking my children with me on this adventure.

After 3 days, I accepted the job offer. I did feel relief when I made the decision to accept the job and began to plan my move. First thing I did was go online and look for Al anon meetings! I am moved and have been working my new job for 5 weeks. There are bumps in the road, but I am making progress.

A friend at Alanon reminded me of what to do when faced with indecision:
Do the next right thing.

Thinking of you!:ghug3

Barbara52

Hmm, are you sure its time to buy an new place? Perhaps its ok to rent for another year til you are more sure about what it is you want, what you can buy, etc.

GiveLove

My thought too....you might make a list and do a little brainstorming. Obviously the apartment thing isn't working for you, but what about renting a bigger place for 6 or 12 months? What's the downside to that?

Also, please keep in mind that you can still work on your friendship while you own your own home What you're moving on from is a marriage that you know won't work. But what's the worst that can happen? You're good friends and you each have a house. So what?

Daisy30

Oh thank you all for your wonderful thoughts. Pelican I definately need to trust in my HP and know that he will work things out for me. Thanks you for the reminder.

GL and Barbara~

Here are my thoughts on buying,

If I rent for another year, I most likely will deplete my savings and have nothing left for a down payment, if I then decide to buy.

The rent for a house here is more than what I think I can afford.

I feel bad renting b/c with my 3 kids, I feel like we have to be very careful and not mess anthing up *too bad* ....lol

Advantage to renting would be;

It isn't perminate

I could work on extra incme in the same way.

Thank you for giving me food for thought!
I am going to research both options in depth and Turn this over to God.

ETA: I want to make sure I am not putting things on hold for AH. That I am doing what is going to benefit the kids and myself down the line. I don't want to regret not taking action sooner. But in the same breath I don't want to be hasty....hmmm lots to consider

LaTeeDa

Just FYI, you don't have to 'engage' a realtor to find out what's available. Try this: Real Estate Listings, Homes for Sale and Rental Property Listings ? REALTOR.com

You can search in your zip code by price, number of bedrooms, etc.

L