a bit O/T about letting go
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Location: Manchester UK
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a bit O/T about letting go
I can't let go of this, however hard I try I just can't let it go. So I'm looking for some help right now.
I'm in this situation where I have my nephew living with me, I love it (the situation) and I love him, but I now hate with a passion his other Aunt.
When things began to come out about my nephews living conditions and his treatment by his Dad (my brother) this Aunt, who lives about 50 miles from me and my brothers house, used to ring me, no matter what the time, middle of the night sometimes, and tell me what she'd heard. I told her time and time again there was nothing I could do, she needed to ring our social services and tell them first hand what she knew because they wouldn't listen to me giving second hand news. She never did.
She knew Joe was being hit, left alone and was really unhappy, because he told her. But she did nothing.
She stole my brothers wedding ring and lied about it.
She cancelled insurance on Joes interest in the house, and lied to me saying she'd renewed it. (I know she lied because I'm administrating my brothers estate and I was told this when I tried to insure his house)
She tried to cash a life assurance policy that should go to Joes Trust but would have gone to her had she managed it.
She showed me a copy of her sisters (joes mums) will a year ago, I remember it vividly because I thought it odd that she stated her friens should have her dog instead of Joe. I now find that will wasnt real, as I have a copy of the real one to deal with my brothers stuff.
I feel like the last 20 months have been based on lies and she thinks so little of me (and Joe) that she's stooped to so much deciet and dishonesty. I hate lies full stop. The main thing drummed into my kids is DO NOT LIE, be honest. And since Joe came here it's been a big thing with him because his Dad was a master liar.
Some of the things she's done, and I haven't exhausted the list here are criminal, but I can let that go.
What I can't let go is the fact that she lied to me for so long, and I was her friend, I was there for her when her sister died, I was there when her mum was ill, hell, I've been there for her since I met her and we all knew what was going on with her sister and my brother. But it's all been lies, I can't trust anything she's said anymore, or anything she's going to say.
I'm just confused by all this, it's not a revelation thats come all at once, I had suspicions a while ago, but I thought it was me being too suspicious. Not so, I have some evidence in black and white, theres no getting round it, she's lied about so much.
I can never trust her again.
But it's eating away at me and I need to move myself on from that. Question is, How?
I'm in this situation where I have my nephew living with me, I love it (the situation) and I love him, but I now hate with a passion his other Aunt.
When things began to come out about my nephews living conditions and his treatment by his Dad (my brother) this Aunt, who lives about 50 miles from me and my brothers house, used to ring me, no matter what the time, middle of the night sometimes, and tell me what she'd heard. I told her time and time again there was nothing I could do, she needed to ring our social services and tell them first hand what she knew because they wouldn't listen to me giving second hand news. She never did.
She knew Joe was being hit, left alone and was really unhappy, because he told her. But she did nothing.
She stole my brothers wedding ring and lied about it.
She cancelled insurance on Joes interest in the house, and lied to me saying she'd renewed it. (I know she lied because I'm administrating my brothers estate and I was told this when I tried to insure his house)
She tried to cash a life assurance policy that should go to Joes Trust but would have gone to her had she managed it.
She showed me a copy of her sisters (joes mums) will a year ago, I remember it vividly because I thought it odd that she stated her friens should have her dog instead of Joe. I now find that will wasnt real, as I have a copy of the real one to deal with my brothers stuff.
I feel like the last 20 months have been based on lies and she thinks so little of me (and Joe) that she's stooped to so much deciet and dishonesty. I hate lies full stop. The main thing drummed into my kids is DO NOT LIE, be honest. And since Joe came here it's been a big thing with him because his Dad was a master liar.
Some of the things she's done, and I haven't exhausted the list here are criminal, but I can let that go.
What I can't let go is the fact that she lied to me for so long, and I was her friend, I was there for her when her sister died, I was there when her mum was ill, hell, I've been there for her since I met her and we all knew what was going on with her sister and my brother. But it's all been lies, I can't trust anything she's said anymore, or anything she's going to say.
I'm just confused by all this, it's not a revelation thats come all at once, I had suspicions a while ago, but I thought it was me being too suspicious. Not so, I have some evidence in black and white, theres no getting round it, she's lied about so much.
I can never trust her again.
But it's eating away at me and I need to move myself on from that. Question is, How?
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Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
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There's an excellent post in the Christian forum today http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2242513
I'm an A so I can lie with the best of them. I do understand how we break the trust in all our relationships. And maybe that's why I struggle with people who lie to me and deceive me too, I can't stand looking in the mirror, at that part of myself.
Part of my story.......my kid's stepfather is a teacher at the same school where my spouse (now my ex) works. He used to come to parties at our house, he seemed so kind and friendly, I really appreciated his friendship. What I didn't care for was him having an affair with my wife, and participating in the break-up of our marriage and our family. That's not "OK" with me. I despise that man now, I struggle with my children being around him, just thinking about this has my blood boiling again. I'll never trust that person again, and I'm not sure I care to look for ways to forgive him. So for the last 4 years I've not been able to fully "move on".
But there are things I can do about that. I can pray and meditate, I can practice the 12 Steps in my daily life, I can continually seek peace, serenity, and humility. I love this reading.....
On his desk Dr Bob, a cofounder of AA, had a plaque defining humility
“‘As Dr. Bob said…:’”
Humility is …
‘Perpetual quietness of heart.
It is to have no trouble.
It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore; to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me.
It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel to my Higher Power in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble.’”
From; Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers (1980), page 222
Oh, and there's a simple prayer I was taught to say for those people I struggle with that helps me too.......
God, please bless (insert name here) with a life beyond their wildest dreams and expectations, let them be happy, joyous, and free.
I'm an A so I can lie with the best of them. I do understand how we break the trust in all our relationships. And maybe that's why I struggle with people who lie to me and deceive me too, I can't stand looking in the mirror, at that part of myself.
Part of my story.......my kid's stepfather is a teacher at the same school where my spouse (now my ex) works. He used to come to parties at our house, he seemed so kind and friendly, I really appreciated his friendship. What I didn't care for was him having an affair with my wife, and participating in the break-up of our marriage and our family. That's not "OK" with me. I despise that man now, I struggle with my children being around him, just thinking about this has my blood boiling again. I'll never trust that person again, and I'm not sure I care to look for ways to forgive him. So for the last 4 years I've not been able to fully "move on".
But there are things I can do about that. I can pray and meditate, I can practice the 12 Steps in my daily life, I can continually seek peace, serenity, and humility. I love this reading.....
On his desk Dr Bob, a cofounder of AA, had a plaque defining humility
“‘As Dr. Bob said…:’”
Humility is …
‘Perpetual quietness of heart.
It is to have no trouble.
It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore; to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me.
It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel to my Higher Power in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble.’”
From; Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers (1980), page 222
Oh, and there's a simple prayer I was taught to say for those people I struggle with that helps me too.......
God, please bless (insert name here) with a life beyond their wildest dreams and expectations, let them be happy, joyous, and free.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: UK
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of course you are angry, and feeling betrayed. she has trampled on your trust, betrayed your nephew, lied, manipulated, stolen etc.......
you hate her. Not surprised: I don't know her and i'm not particularly fond of her LOL. You're not going to trust her again, sounds a wise decision. Is she "in" your life to any extent now?
not sure if this helps any (I'm aaa vvveeeerrryyy sssloooowww learner when it comes to emotional stuff) but from a very detached point of view (and based on your evidence only) she sounds like a very immature, person with big behavioural and emotional problems, running around taking no responsibility: I doubt that's a happy and serene place to be. she lied, TO YOU, but in many senses wasn't doing this too you, just doing it? like a damaged child, a wounded animal. In pain, and not able to deal with life sufficiently well to walk through it.
that is not to let her off of the hook, or to belittle the damage she has done, but if you view her like a tornado or a snake: something you avoid because their nature is destructive, perhaps you can move from hate to active dislike or mere avoidance?
the other thing I'm going to throw out there is that I try and move on from "hate" very quickly: partly because its painful, and contrary to the evidence ( ;- )) I don't like pain, but also because I don't like to think of myself as someone who hates. that's a big, dark, ugly, emotion, and something I don't want to own as part of my whole.
but looking at someone else, you know, hatred is really human, and unsurprising, and perhaps accepting that hatred and really feeling that strong, powerful, painful, exhausting, energy, letting it run its course, without acting on it for a while is part of letting them go?
and then, yeah, all the probably far more healthy advice that astro gave you!!!
thankyou for talking about this: not off topic at all
you hate her. Not surprised: I don't know her and i'm not particularly fond of her LOL. You're not going to trust her again, sounds a wise decision. Is she "in" your life to any extent now?
not sure if this helps any (I'm aaa vvveeeerrryyy sssloooowww learner when it comes to emotional stuff) but from a very detached point of view (and based on your evidence only) she sounds like a very immature, person with big behavioural and emotional problems, running around taking no responsibility: I doubt that's a happy and serene place to be. she lied, TO YOU, but in many senses wasn't doing this too you, just doing it? like a damaged child, a wounded animal. In pain, and not able to deal with life sufficiently well to walk through it.
that is not to let her off of the hook, or to belittle the damage she has done, but if you view her like a tornado or a snake: something you avoid because their nature is destructive, perhaps you can move from hate to active dislike or mere avoidance?
the other thing I'm going to throw out there is that I try and move on from "hate" very quickly: partly because its painful, and contrary to the evidence ( ;- )) I don't like pain, but also because I don't like to think of myself as someone who hates. that's a big, dark, ugly, emotion, and something I don't want to own as part of my whole.
but looking at someone else, you know, hatred is really human, and unsurprising, and perhaps accepting that hatred and really feeling that strong, powerful, painful, exhausting, energy, letting it run its course, without acting on it for a while is part of letting them go?
and then, yeah, all the probably far more healthy advice that astro gave you!!!
thankyou for talking about this: not off topic at all
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She's in my life so far as she has contact with my nephew pretty regularly. She did used to ring me every few days, but I stopped that as I just have nothing conversational to say to her anymore.
I don't like the feelings of hate I have, but I don't feel I can 'wish her well' as your prayer implies Astro, on the other hand I don't wish her any ill either.
Life is good at the moment, but this is like a big black cloud on a sunny day, always there on the edge of things.
I don't like the feelings of hate I have, but I don't feel I can 'wish her well' as your prayer implies Astro, on the other hand I don't wish her any ill either.
Life is good at the moment, but this is like a big black cloud on a sunny day, always there on the edge of things.
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But yet we don't hate the big black cloud, right? It's just there.
It would be best if you didn't have to have contact at all with her -- these aren't the kinds of people we want to share our days with, right?
But think of it this way: As Joe moves into his teens and into adulthood (which is only a few years away) you will have to deal with the thought of her less and less, until finally you won't have to at all.
Hatred only hurts us.
I don't know who it was here that told me, "The opposite of love isn't hate; the opposite of love is indifference."
Maybe your task will be to cultivate a profound indifference toward this person, who really doesn't deserve to take up any space in your head.
I know it's hard, though. Heaven knows......
:ghug
It would be best if you didn't have to have contact at all with her -- these aren't the kinds of people we want to share our days with, right?
But think of it this way: As Joe moves into his teens and into adulthood (which is only a few years away) you will have to deal with the thought of her less and less, until finally you won't have to at all.
Hatred only hurts us.
I don't know who it was here that told me, "The opposite of love isn't hate; the opposite of love is indifference."
Maybe your task will be to cultivate a profound indifference toward this person, who really doesn't deserve to take up any space in your head.
I know it's hard, though. Heaven knows......
:ghug
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Originally Posted by LucyA 
I don't feel I can 'wish her well' as your prayer implies Astro, on the other hand I don't wish her any ill either.
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Hi LucyA!!
My two cents, forgiveness, indifference, compassion will come.. eventually...
But in order to reach that you need to take other steps while anger is fresh, why not journal? I think some people disagree on this approach but I think of my own stomach, storing so much RAW HATE inside that I do not think it is fair to keep it.
Journal and tell her EVERYTHING YOU THINK. The difficult thing here is not to censor yourself, when I write I am like "oh no, I should not think this, or desire this" but truth is I think it and I desire it, so putting it on paper gives it all a rest. Somehow it is as if it already happened. Sometimes I have been so hurt that I hear an ambulance and WISH they are going for my ex AH to take him directly to the morgue! Not exactly the most loving thought. But that kind of trash needs to be OUT of our system...
And/or do something physical, I like running, or tae bo or any martial art, you do not have to enroll to a class, just buy some budokon or tae bo videos and imagine you are hitting and kicking her
1 Your anger is acknowledged
2 You generate endorphins, always a good thing
3 You know you are doing something to get your anger out
4 You rest better
5 You did not attack her or harm anyone in the process
I think there is a taboo regarding expressing anger, especially for women. At least I never learned it was ok to be angry and to express my anger, I always had to please everybody, and man has that brought me trouble LOL.
I wish you well with the tae bo moves, Billy Blanks rules!!
My two cents, forgiveness, indifference, compassion will come.. eventually...
But in order to reach that you need to take other steps while anger is fresh, why not journal? I think some people disagree on this approach but I think of my own stomach, storing so much RAW HATE inside that I do not think it is fair to keep it.
Journal and tell her EVERYTHING YOU THINK. The difficult thing here is not to censor yourself, when I write I am like "oh no, I should not think this, or desire this" but truth is I think it and I desire it, so putting it on paper gives it all a rest. Somehow it is as if it already happened. Sometimes I have been so hurt that I hear an ambulance and WISH they are going for my ex AH to take him directly to the morgue! Not exactly the most loving thought. But that kind of trash needs to be OUT of our system...
And/or do something physical, I like running, or tae bo or any martial art, you do not have to enroll to a class, just buy some budokon or tae bo videos and imagine you are hitting and kicking her
1 Your anger is acknowledged
2 You generate endorphins, always a good thing
3 You know you are doing something to get your anger out
4 You rest better
5 You did not attack her or harm anyone in the process
I think there is a taboo regarding expressing anger, especially for women. At least I never learned it was ok to be angry and to express my anger, I always had to please everybody, and man has that brought me trouble LOL.
I wish you well with the tae bo moves, Billy Blanks rules!!
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Be happy that you aren't her. That you aren't sick inside and lie and manipulate, knowing that a child is hurting and yet you do nothing.
Be glad that you never ever have to life the miserable life she lives.
Be glad that you never ever have to life the miserable life she lives.
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I've been thinking hard about this for the last couple of days. OK, so she isn't alcoholic, she only has these behaviours, but I think if I apply the same kind of thinking as I applied to my brother I can see a way for me not to let her affect me as much. (Because I'm letting her aren't I? I'm still learning, slowly 
)
If I look at it that way, there isn't much difference between what I need to do for myself now, and what I needed to do when I was letting my brother rule my thoughts and emotions.
I need to see her from time to time, just like I saw my brother, because she's Joes family and I want him to have contact for as long as he wants it, but, I don't need to be friends, engage in any more conversation than is required or think about her at any other times.
I think I've got it!! I'm giving her the power aren't I?
I was, now I'm taking it back.
I do do praying, but I've said the Serenity prayer a million times (almost) this last few days, I think it's finally sinking in.
Thanks guys xx
)If I look at it that way, there isn't much difference between what I need to do for myself now, and what I needed to do when I was letting my brother rule my thoughts and emotions.
I need to see her from time to time, just like I saw my brother, because she's Joes family and I want him to have contact for as long as he wants it, but, I don't need to be friends, engage in any more conversation than is required or think about her at any other times.
I think I've got it!! I'm giving her the power aren't I?
I was, now I'm taking it back.
I do do praying, but I've said the Serenity prayer a million times (almost) this last few days, I think it's finally sinking in.
Thanks guys xx
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