I am obsessing
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
I am obsessing
I don't know how to stop. I've been meditating, cognitively aware that this is all for the good, but so hurt and empty.
I know what happened in my relationship. I never asked for what I need. I knew on some level that if I did, it would end. So I stayed in a painful and emotionally draining situation out of fear.
I was fearing what is happening now. Seeing this relationship for what is really was is deeply painful--like all the low grade anxiety and hurt has escalated into something bigger than I can handle.
How to stop the obsession? How to let go?
I need to stop. I need to be emotionally present for myself and my children and not this self-absorbed, confused bundle of dissonance.
Help, please.
I know what happened in my relationship. I never asked for what I need. I knew on some level that if I did, it would end. So I stayed in a painful and emotionally draining situation out of fear.
I was fearing what is happening now. Seeing this relationship for what is really was is deeply painful--like all the low grade anxiety and hurt has escalated into something bigger than I can handle.
How to stop the obsession? How to let go?
I need to stop. I need to be emotionally present for myself and my children and not this self-absorbed, confused bundle of dissonance.
Help, please.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
nowwhat,
Well, from what you've told us about your relationship, it sounds like if you'd asked for what you needed, you either would've been put down or dumped.
Or replaced, which happened painfully quickly (what was it? a week?), because you were expendable in his life. To him, you were apparently simply arm candy...is that what you want to be to a man? Someone he can throw his money at, and you'll keep your mouth shut? Apparently that's good enough for some women, like his current.
But that doesn't sound anything like an acceptable relationship for someone like you. You've given us a glimpse of your beauty as a person here -- you are amazing, nowwhat -- and I can see that that would just be a terrible waste of your time and life. Go back through some of your own posts - does it sound like you were happy?
I am a master obsessor. In fact, that's why I'm awake typing at 4:19am instead of sleeping. And for me, it means I'm due to sit down with my counselor and work out a plan for getting through the next few weeks in a sane and healthy way. He's also good at pointing out the other, more tangible things I'm doing (or not doing) that are creating fertile ground for obsessing.
Do you have that option? Obsessing isn't fun, and interferes with enjoying life....and you & your kids deserve to enjoy the HECK out of life.
Hugs,
GL
Well, from what you've told us about your relationship, it sounds like if you'd asked for what you needed, you either would've been put down or dumped.
Or replaced, which happened painfully quickly (what was it? a week?), because you were expendable in his life. To him, you were apparently simply arm candy...is that what you want to be to a man? Someone he can throw his money at, and you'll keep your mouth shut? Apparently that's good enough for some women, like his current.
But that doesn't sound anything like an acceptable relationship for someone like you. You've given us a glimpse of your beauty as a person here -- you are amazing, nowwhat -- and I can see that that would just be a terrible waste of your time and life. Go back through some of your own posts - does it sound like you were happy?
I am a master obsessor. In fact, that's why I'm awake typing at 4:19am instead of sleeping. And for me, it means I'm due to sit down with my counselor and work out a plan for getting through the next few weeks in a sane and healthy way. He's also good at pointing out the other, more tangible things I'm doing (or not doing) that are creating fertile ground for obsessing.
Do you have that option? Obsessing isn't fun, and interferes with enjoying life....and you & your kids deserve to enjoy the HECK out of life.
Hugs,
GL
Last edited by GiveLove; 05-28-2009 at 03:47 AM.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
nowwhat-
when i feel that i can't handle the pain, i remember my HP and turn it over. i pray for courage and endurance. i pray to have the strength to follow what is true and good.
also helpful is distract yourself with a simple task and be PRESENT doing it. i find relief from mental circles painting a wall, washing the kitchen floor or folding the laundry and as i do these simple tasks, my mind quiets.
you've been through a lot and him taking a new lover so soon hurts. it will take time. i'm still hurt and my ABFs was last september and now it's may. not a day goes by that i don't think of it... but it's getting better.
take care of yourself. get enough sleep, eat healthy, exercise, make a wee nest/safe place for yourself...
naive
when i feel that i can't handle the pain, i remember my HP and turn it over. i pray for courage and endurance. i pray to have the strength to follow what is true and good.
also helpful is distract yourself with a simple task and be PRESENT doing it. i find relief from mental circles painting a wall, washing the kitchen floor or folding the laundry and as i do these simple tasks, my mind quiets.
you've been through a lot and him taking a new lover so soon hurts. it will take time. i'm still hurt and my ABFs was last september and now it's may. not a day goes by that i don't think of it... but it's getting better.
take care of yourself. get enough sleep, eat healthy, exercise, make a wee nest/safe place for yourself...
naive
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
I am so stuck at home (young children) that I find it particularly hard to move on. I think if I could get going, physically, by doing things that I love (eating out, bookstores, walking, photography, etc.), it would help the "mental circles" (love that, naive) fade away.
I miss the phone calls. I miss the texts and emails. I miss holding hands and talking. I miss sex.
I'm not sure I was his arm candy, as much as his (free, devoted) therapist. When I told him his mood swings were making me crazy, he moved on. He is sophisticated, controlled, and manipulative. It will take his new SO many moons to figure out that what he says (adoring, emotional content, romantic) will never match what he does, and that the mood swings and evasiveness are the only consistent part of his personality. I don't envy her journey at all.
Still, I miss the dream. The romance, the feeling of a deep connection. I can see now that the connection was one way: he was connected to me, but only as a vaccuum. My needs were never important to him. I was there to make him feel loved and accepted, and energized. It was never reciprocal. If it had been, I wouldn't have been left so exhausted and depleted. Yes, I see that, I feel it, I know it. And yet I still find myself longing for the illusory parts of the whole thing.
I guess I am as addicted to misery as I told him he is. I HATE how it feels, and yet I perpetuate it by ruminating, obsessing, over-thinking. I suppose this must be what it feels like to be addicted to alcohol--miserable, out of control, enmeshing. The relationship with the DOC is inseparable from the addict's consciousness.
Thank you for listening.
I miss the phone calls. I miss the texts and emails. I miss holding hands and talking. I miss sex.
I'm not sure I was his arm candy, as much as his (free, devoted) therapist. When I told him his mood swings were making me crazy, he moved on. He is sophisticated, controlled, and manipulative. It will take his new SO many moons to figure out that what he says (adoring, emotional content, romantic) will never match what he does, and that the mood swings and evasiveness are the only consistent part of his personality. I don't envy her journey at all.
Still, I miss the dream. The romance, the feeling of a deep connection. I can see now that the connection was one way: he was connected to me, but only as a vaccuum. My needs were never important to him. I was there to make him feel loved and accepted, and energized. It was never reciprocal. If it had been, I wouldn't have been left so exhausted and depleted. Yes, I see that, I feel it, I know it. And yet I still find myself longing for the illusory parts of the whole thing.
I guess I am as addicted to misery as I told him he is. I HATE how it feels, and yet I perpetuate it by ruminating, obsessing, over-thinking. I suppose this must be what it feels like to be addicted to alcohol--miserable, out of control, enmeshing. The relationship with the DOC is inseparable from the addict's consciousness.
Thank you for listening.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
Originally Posted by nowwhat 
I miss the phone calls. I miss the texts and emails. I miss holding hands and talking. I miss sex.
Still, I miss the dream. The romance, the feeling of a deep connection. I can see now that the connection was one way: he was connected to me, but only as a vaccuum. My needs were never important to him. I was there to make him feel loved and accepted, and energized. It was never reciprocal. If it had been, I wouldn't have been left so exhausted and depleted. Yes, I see that, I feel it, I know it. And yet I still find myself longing for the illusory parts of the whole thing.
I suppose this must be what it feels like to be addicted to alcohol--miserable, out of control, enmeshing. The relationship with the DOC is inseparable from the addict's consciousness.
.
I too "know" all the negative parts of the relationship and "understand" the problems but have a very hard time letting go of the "feelings".
I'm in therapy. I go to alanon. I have children too but try to get out and about as much as possible to end the mental circles about a whole host of things that I am going through. My therapist does comment that there is a natural grieving process/time frame that exists regardless of how "unhealthy" the relationship might have been.
The killer for me is that I dream about him and his children constantly. I mean really, what the hell am I supposed to do about my subconscious!!
My dreams are often along the lines of the end of the Jerry Maguire movie "you had me at hello." Ugh, I feel pathetic even admitting it over the internet. Talk about no control
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 119
I haven't posted here in a while, but your thread really touched my heart. I'm so sorry that you are going thru this.
I would like to share with you what I learned about myself this week while I was meeting with my therapist. I was so upset with myself because I had feelings of missing the A XBF that was formerly in my life. It has been 9 months since I left the relationship and felt like I should be over any thoughts of him by now. The one thing that my therapist helped me to realize is that I don't miss him personally, I miss the space that he filled in my life.
My new task going forward is to find healthy alternatives to fill the void that I feel and not beat myself up for my feelings. I know that you probably cannot see this now, but you will get thru this. Take care of yourself and keep putting one foot in front of the other as you continue to cross the bridge that allows you to get away from insantiy and start searching for your version of the health, happy, wealthy life that all of us deserve.
I would like to share with you what I learned about myself this week while I was meeting with my therapist. I was so upset with myself because I had feelings of missing the A XBF that was formerly in my life. It has been 9 months since I left the relationship and felt like I should be over any thoughts of him by now. The one thing that my therapist helped me to realize is that I don't miss him personally, I miss the space that he filled in my life.
My new task going forward is to find healthy alternatives to fill the void that I feel and not beat myself up for my feelings. I know that you probably cannot see this now, but you will get thru this. Take care of yourself and keep putting one foot in front of the other as you continue to cross the bridge that allows you to get away from insantiy and start searching for your version of the health, happy, wealthy life that all of us deserve.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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I also have a tendency to obsess. What I did in the beginning was find 'healthy' things to obsess on. Self-help books, journaling, SR, etc. I swear the first two years I got a Masters Degree in Me.
And just because you have kids doesn't mean you can't do what you enjoy. You mentioned photography. Why not set up a photo shoot in the back yard. Your kids can be your 'models' and you can shoot them wearing their favorite clothes, or doing some fun activity like running in the sprinkler, or whatever. Shortly after I split up with my AH, I bought a bicycle--the first one I had owned in over 20 years. I started riding with my kids and we had a blast. Walking together can be fun, too. And you can take your camera and shoot whatever interesting things you see.
L
And just because you have kids doesn't mean you can't do what you enjoy. You mentioned photography. Why not set up a photo shoot in the back yard. Your kids can be your 'models' and you can shoot them wearing their favorite clothes, or doing some fun activity like running in the sprinkler, or whatever. Shortly after I split up with my AH, I bought a bicycle--the first one I had owned in over 20 years. I started riding with my kids and we had a blast. Walking together can be fun, too. And you can take your camera and shoot whatever interesting things you see.
L
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 41
I stuggle with this too. Itsmealice wrote this in one of my post (almost about the same thing):
I find that the times when I ruminate about what condition he will come home in or when the next big binge is coming, is when I am focusing on his actions and not my own.
The tool I use when this starts is the same for if I ever find myself on fire. That's right. Stop. Drop. and Roll.
STOP. I stop what I'm doing (looking out the window, watching the clock, calling around to find him etc).
DROP. I drop my thoughts of him. I remind myself he's an adult walking his own road, not a two-year-old wandering the side of the highway.
ROLL. I get moving. I get physical with chores around the house, exercising, getting the dogs out for a walk, focusing on a task for work etc. It helps to really put my mind to work on something productive that benefits me since sitting in a sweat fretting over him benefits no one but the disease.
Sometimes I have to repeat the exercise more than once before it sticks for the duration, but I have found myself surprised when he finally came home. And yes, he's come home fully lit, but because I wasn't focused on it, I could remain emotionally detached from the situation a far cry from when I'd start sobbing as soon as he wobbled out of his car. His demeanor has changed as well in that he'll come home and stay far away from me. He doesn't try to explain himself or make excuses as much anymore because he's only met indifference from me. That has become a more effective tool than any begging, pleading, or crying from me ever was.
Stay strong.
Alice
This was SO helpful!! Give it a try... and while you are at it, try reading Co Dependency No More - Wonderful!
I find that the times when I ruminate about what condition he will come home in or when the next big binge is coming, is when I am focusing on his actions and not my own.
The tool I use when this starts is the same for if I ever find myself on fire. That's right. Stop. Drop. and Roll.
STOP. I stop what I'm doing (looking out the window, watching the clock, calling around to find him etc).
DROP. I drop my thoughts of him. I remind myself he's an adult walking his own road, not a two-year-old wandering the side of the highway.
ROLL. I get moving. I get physical with chores around the house, exercising, getting the dogs out for a walk, focusing on a task for work etc. It helps to really put my mind to work on something productive that benefits me since sitting in a sweat fretting over him benefits no one but the disease.
Sometimes I have to repeat the exercise more than once before it sticks for the duration, but I have found myself surprised when he finally came home. And yes, he's come home fully lit, but because I wasn't focused on it, I could remain emotionally detached from the situation a far cry from when I'd start sobbing as soon as he wobbled out of his car. His demeanor has changed as well in that he'll come home and stay far away from me. He doesn't try to explain himself or make excuses as much anymore because he's only met indifference from me. That has become a more effective tool than any begging, pleading, or crying from me ever was.
Stay strong.
Alice
This was SO helpful!! Give it a try... and while you are at it, try reading Co Dependency No More - Wonderful!
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I am not sure if it helps but I am on the same boat. Dreams, or shall I say nightmares of ex AH with the new girlfriend, and how a walk on the park it all seemed - to HIM! I have had entire nightmares with them happy and me crying my heart out. Oh well. I have no control over my nightmares, either!
I also wish for the day F. never crosses my mind. Difficult running into him, interacting at work with his friends, hearing his voice, driving around anywhere -it all has some memory attached-, looking out the window and knowing he lives a few streets from home.. it can go on and on ... it is a daily struggle. I envy anyone that can go no contact and actually never hear from the ex anymore!!
A good technique I learned here too, was to obsess - for a period of time. Instead of having his memory wandering all afternoon, I put on the music that reminds me of him, I cry, I get really angry about what he did. And I feel it all very intensely, because time is up after one hour!!
Then there are some days that I actually DO NOT run into him/them, and they are wonderful. I see a similar car or a similar person walking on a similar way and I get anxious... but I stopped beating myself up for this... I just try to be my own best friend and sooth myself with something along the lines "you suffered a great trauma, but you took steps to get away from madness, you are becoming saner each day. What would LaTeeDa say in this situation???"
Writing to friends is also great for me, it reminds me many people cherish me and want to see me OK. That I am dearly loved, and my time is better invested in people that "get' me and value me...
Handing it all to God/HP helps me, as philosophical books like the Tao Te Ching or books of wisdom, YOGA, meditation techniques...
Also, it soothes me what I have read here about this being THE PRESENT MOMENT and we do not know what kind of changes will come tomorrow or in one week or in one month... what hurts me sometimes is predicting I will be like this for the rest of my life. But this is all temporary, too... (at least the emotional stage I am in right now)
Then I can actually enjoy a moment, or look forward to a weekend (I am going to some cabins in a forest this weekend ), hang around with people that make me feel safe and with whom WORDS match ACTIONS....well, I just KNOW I am going in the right direction... one step at a time. Also, I think of this great people and it is obvious I need to keep getting old stuff out, to make place for the new, and more of the authentic love that fulfills my soul and was never truly present in my past relation - this love, the one I am better able to identify now.
This idea keeps me going. I know how love looks like, and it has nothing to do with crumbs from a sick person with his own issues to handle (or run away from).
I know how love feels like and I know I am walking towards it day by day, even with all my codie-ness!!
Progress, not perfection.
I am glad I am not alone in all this!!
I also wish for the day F. never crosses my mind. Difficult running into him, interacting at work with his friends, hearing his voice, driving around anywhere -it all has some memory attached-, looking out the window and knowing he lives a few streets from home.. it can go on and on ... it is a daily struggle. I envy anyone that can go no contact and actually never hear from the ex anymore!!
A good technique I learned here too, was to obsess - for a period of time. Instead of having his memory wandering all afternoon, I put on the music that reminds me of him, I cry, I get really angry about what he did. And I feel it all very intensely, because time is up after one hour!!
Then there are some days that I actually DO NOT run into him/them, and they are wonderful. I see a similar car or a similar person walking on a similar way and I get anxious... but I stopped beating myself up for this... I just try to be my own best friend and sooth myself with something along the lines "you suffered a great trauma, but you took steps to get away from madness, you are becoming saner each day. What would LaTeeDa say in this situation???"
Writing to friends is also great for me, it reminds me many people cherish me and want to see me OK. That I am dearly loved, and my time is better invested in people that "get' me and value me...
Handing it all to God/HP helps me, as philosophical books like the Tao Te Ching or books of wisdom, YOGA, meditation techniques...
Also, it soothes me what I have read here about this being THE PRESENT MOMENT and we do not know what kind of changes will come tomorrow or in one week or in one month... what hurts me sometimes is predicting I will be like this for the rest of my life. But this is all temporary, too... (at least the emotional stage I am in right now)
Then I can actually enjoy a moment, or look forward to a weekend (I am going to some cabins in a forest this weekend
), hang around with people that make me feel safe and with whom WORDS match ACTIONS....well, I just KNOW I am going in the right direction... one step at a time. Also, I think of this great people and it is obvious I need to keep getting old stuff out, to make place for the new, and more of the authentic love that fulfills my soul and was never truly present in my past relation - this love, the one I am better able to identify now. This idea keeps me going. I know how love looks like, and it has nothing to do with crumbs from a sick person with his own issues to handle (or run away from).
I know how love feels like and I know I am walking towards it day by day, even with all my codie-ness!!
Progress, not perfection.
I am glad I am not alone in all this!!
Last edited by TakingCharge999; 05-28-2009 at 01:57 PM.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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Posts: 4,706
A good technique I learned here too, was to obsess - for a period of time. Instead of having his memory wandering all afternoon, I put on the music that reminds me of him, I cry, I get really angry about what he did. And I feel it all very intensely, because time is up after one hour!!
I've done that too, TC and nowwhat. Set my kitchen timer for 30 minutes, and gave myself permission to just wail and break things (useless things! in a cardboard box!
and obsess all I wanted. As a matter of fact, I took a page from a life coach I'd read about, and FORCED myself to do that for a few days straight. She went all out: she made a little altar to him, with pictures of them together, and flowers and candles, and would cry out that he was her prince, her saviour, and how she was all wrong and he was right, and she was so sorry she wasn't good enough for him....... No, seriously. And she says that lasted an average of three minutes before she would burst out laughing. I tried it and had the same results.
So in full-on obsessive days, I'd get in my 30 minutes, and then I'd slip one of those broccoli rubber bands on my wrist, and if my mind went to 'him' outside of its alloted Obsesso Time, I'd give it a snap.
I know, weird. But the whole operant conditioning thing did work for me. And I didn't have to do it for long. Now if I could just get my subconscious to stop waking me up in the middle of the night for ridiculous reasons...
:ghug3
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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I think it helps if you bow down repeatedly to the altar while howling mournfully, and promising never to ask for anything for yourself again ever.
Laughed myself to tears, then cried for real a bit, then was able to get on with my day. It was trying to FIGHT the obsession, grapple with it, that didn't work at all for me. Some buddhists call that "Wrestling with the tofu" - it just squeezes through your hands but it doesn't go away.
Laughed myself to tears, then cried for real a bit, then was able to get on with my day. It was trying to FIGHT the obsession, grapple with it, that didn't work at all for me. Some buddhists call that "Wrestling with the tofu" - it just squeezes through your hands but it doesn't go away.
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