Help with Setting Boundaries
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 22
Help with Setting Boundaries
It's been less than a week since I realized the extent of my husband's drinking. For several weeks, I'd been pulling all the responsibilities of running our home, taking care of our kids, handling landlord issues for the rental property, and dealing with his mother's estate trying to figure out why a man who obviously has so many health/depression issues would never show up for a doctor's/counselor's appointment.
Now that I know what the problem is...it's like I can't stop trying to take control of the situation. The only source of advice I really have is SR, so I hope you'll be honest with me. My only Alanon experience was 20+ years ago...I attended a couple of meetings when I was dating a guy in AA. I'm just so mad and resentful right now I wonder if I'm over-reacting.
Our holiday weekend: I know he drank a 1.75 liter bottle (vodka) between noon-ish Thursday and 6:30AM Friday. The next 1.75 liter bottle actually lasted into the wee hours of Sunday morning (Saturday night). Nothing during the day Sunday or Monday....just lots of sleeping, complaining about his back pain, his stomach, etc etc etc. The only time I ever saw a glimpse of healthy interaction with us was when I let the kids wash my SUV Saturday and he was helping them, teaching them, etc. about how to wash cars and shine tires.
Tuesday morning rolls around. I'm getting ready to go to work and getting the 3yo ready for preschool. My 7 yo is out of school and plans were for her to hang out with her SAHD for about half of the summer break. I noticed that he made a phone call at 7:30AM which is highly unusual. At 7:45 he tells me he needs to go to Walgreens for Pepto Bismol. I tell him to hurry since we need to leave by 8:20 or so. While he is gone, I hit redial on the phone and it is the liquor store!!! I guess he called to make sure they opened at 8AM. Instant confrontation upon his arrival back home....tells me he bought 2 airplane bottles and drank them on the way back. Well...no way I'm leaving my 7yo home with him so I call in and use a sick day. Then I'm off on Wednesdays anyway.
He still refuses to admit that there is any problem with alcohol, so why should I be surprised that he is refusing detox or rehab? But I've let him know that he will not be watching the 7yo this summer. I'm scrambling for child care options for her. --- in fact tomorrow she is just going to have to go to work with me all day. I also told him that he gets clean or gets out, but I don't think he's taking me seriously.
Is this too much too soon? I don't think so--but I honestly don't think he "hears" what I'm saying. The fine print I haven't put into words is I'm fine with him not working if he's helping out with kids, the house, the errands, the rental property which is not happening with his drinking. If that's not what he can do, he either gets a job or actually goes to a doctor for a diagnosis which will entitle him to SS Disability which of course means he can't be abusing alcohol anyway.
Now that I know what the problem is...it's like I can't stop trying to take control of the situation. The only source of advice I really have is SR, so I hope you'll be honest with me. My only Alanon experience was 20+ years ago...I attended a couple of meetings when I was dating a guy in AA. I'm just so mad and resentful right now I wonder if I'm over-reacting.
Our holiday weekend: I know he drank a 1.75 liter bottle (vodka) between noon-ish Thursday and 6:30AM Friday. The next 1.75 liter bottle actually lasted into the wee hours of Sunday morning (Saturday night). Nothing during the day Sunday or Monday....just lots of sleeping, complaining about his back pain, his stomach, etc etc etc. The only time I ever saw a glimpse of healthy interaction with us was when I let the kids wash my SUV Saturday and he was helping them, teaching them, etc. about how to wash cars and shine tires.
Tuesday morning rolls around. I'm getting ready to go to work and getting the 3yo ready for preschool. My 7 yo is out of school and plans were for her to hang out with her SAHD for about half of the summer break. I noticed that he made a phone call at 7:30AM which is highly unusual. At 7:45 he tells me he needs to go to Walgreens for Pepto Bismol. I tell him to hurry since we need to leave by 8:20 or so. While he is gone, I hit redial on the phone and it is the liquor store!!! I guess he called to make sure they opened at 8AM. Instant confrontation upon his arrival back home....tells me he bought 2 airplane bottles and drank them on the way back. Well...no way I'm leaving my 7yo home with him so I call in and use a sick day. Then I'm off on Wednesdays anyway.
He still refuses to admit that there is any problem with alcohol, so why should I be surprised that he is refusing detox or rehab? But I've let him know that he will not be watching the 7yo this summer. I'm scrambling for child care options for her. --- in fact tomorrow she is just going to have to go to work with me all day. I also told him that he gets clean or gets out, but I don't think he's taking me seriously.
Is this too much too soon? I don't think so--but I honestly don't think he "hears" what I'm saying. The fine print I haven't put into words is I'm fine with him not working if he's helping out with kids, the house, the errands, the rental property which is not happening with his drinking. If that's not what he can do, he either gets a job or actually goes to a doctor for a diagnosis which will entitle him to SS Disability which of course means he can't be abusing alcohol anyway.
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Join Date: May 2009
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Another question: My BIL (AH's oldest brother) is aware of just how bad things are and made an appointment for him tomorrow with a GP. )At first we were hoping the GP would just admit him to the hospital for a detox, but now we don't think he'll do that). My BIL is picking him up and taking him to the appointment. I first told BIL I would meet them there, but now I'm thinking I don't really want to go. I'll make sure he has insurance information and cross my fingers he puts me down as a person with whom he can discuss medical care, but I'm thinking that actually going is another way of controlling to ENSURE I'm put down as a person to discuss medical care.
Should I go? Or let BIL handle it?
Should I go? Or let BIL handle it?
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Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Hello bp,
I hope you'll get back to Al-Anon soon. There are lots of helpful books and brochures at the meetings that help you nail your problems and solutions. Not to mention that for a full hour or more, you feel safe and heard and understood.
He is a full-blown alcoholic, of course, and because the definition of alcoholism is an INABILITY TO CONTROL one's drinking--where one drinks, when one drinks, how much one drinks, around whom one drinks--then you have a very serious situation involving the safety of your children which you must not ever minimize or ignore.
You can never trust him, you realize that, right? He is UNABLE to keep promises of any kind regarding his drinking.
I would accept BIL's willingness to go to the GP (if your AH will go) and would spend the time you might be sitting in that office with them at an Al-Anon meeting instead, if you can find one to get to.
Your AH is going to try every way possible to continue drinking....pull every trick in the book.....until HE is the one who says "By God, I am desperate and will go to any lengths to get sober." Until he gets to that point, all here will advise you to not enable in an ANY way, to not believe what he says, and to protect your children from the devastating effects of living in a house with an addict.
I am so glad, bp, you are seeking help for yourself and your family. It is a family disease because everyone suffers so terribly. You are off to a good strong start.
There is much experience on this forum and many more people will offer you excellent feedback. Trust the ones who have walked the walk. They can help you.
Take good care.
I hope you'll get back to Al-Anon soon. There are lots of helpful books and brochures at the meetings that help you nail your problems and solutions. Not to mention that for a full hour or more, you feel safe and heard and understood.
He is a full-blown alcoholic, of course, and because the definition of alcoholism is an INABILITY TO CONTROL one's drinking--where one drinks, when one drinks, how much one drinks, around whom one drinks--then you have a very serious situation involving the safety of your children which you must not ever minimize or ignore.
You can never trust him, you realize that, right? He is UNABLE to keep promises of any kind regarding his drinking.
I would accept BIL's willingness to go to the GP (if your AH will go) and would spend the time you might be sitting in that office with them at an Al-Anon meeting instead, if you can find one to get to.
Your AH is going to try every way possible to continue drinking....pull every trick in the book.....until HE is the one who says "By God, I am desperate and will go to any lengths to get sober." Until he gets to that point, all here will advise you to not enable in an ANY way, to not believe what he says, and to protect your children from the devastating effects of living in a house with an addict.
I am so glad, bp, you are seeking help for yourself and your family. It is a family disease because everyone suffers so terribly. You are off to a good strong start.
There is much experience on this forum and many more people will offer you excellent feedback. Trust the ones who have walked the walk. They can help you.
Take good care.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi backporch-
it is unlikely that you realize the extent yet...in all liklihood, it's much more than you now know.
you've have, however, now learned that he will lie to you (pepto bismol indeed!) to drink. so how many other lies are there?
i recall very clearly when i first made the link between my ABF's illogical, confused behavior and it's cause: drink. then, i started paying attention and for me, what i uncovered was a hornet's nest of lies, deceit, betrayal...
i don't feel you're overreacting at all...
i wouldn't get involved in his doctor's trip, since you asked. i wouldn't even hand him the insurance forms. he's a grown man afterall. couldn't you get the necessary paperwork if you were in his shoes? do you really want to be the doctor's contact point anyway? it's up to him and having his brother take him and you escorting him is treating him like a child in my opinion.
good luck and good for you for protecting your children.
naive
It's been less than a week since I realized the extent of my husband's drinking
you've have, however, now learned that he will lie to you (pepto bismol indeed!) to drink. so how many other lies are there?
i recall very clearly when i first made the link between my ABF's illogical, confused behavior and it's cause: drink. then, i started paying attention and for me, what i uncovered was a hornet's nest of lies, deceit, betrayal...
i don't feel you're overreacting at all...
i wouldn't get involved in his doctor's trip, since you asked. i wouldn't even hand him the insurance forms. he's a grown man afterall. couldn't you get the necessary paperwork if you were in his shoes? do you really want to be the doctor's contact point anyway? it's up to him and having his brother take him and you escorting him is treating him like a child in my opinion.
good luck and good for you for protecting your children.
naive
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Location: Australia
Posts: 167
Originally Posted by backporch 
Is this too much too soon?
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Originally Posted by bluejay6
You can never trust him, you realize that, right? He is UNABLE to keep promises of any kind regarding his drinking.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
it's safe to say the problem is far more developed that your knowledge indicates.......that's not your fault, nor was it your job to somehow prevent this.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
It seems you are in charge of everything, backporch... it was exhausting just to read your post. It seems you are bearing too much on your shoulders now and for that I am sorry.
However, I would like to remind you of the following truths:
/ alcoholism is chronic, that means, an alcoholic will be an alcoholic every day of his/her life
/ unless treated, alcoholism is progressive. There is no linearity, it goes in spirals, sometimes drinking less, etc. but unless he wants to recover and do whatever it takes to recover.. there is not much hope. If one thing is sure, is that it will get worse.
/ you did not cause his problem with alcohol
/ you never, never controlled his intake, and you will never be able to control it
/ you cannot cure him
/ you should not cooperate, as in, cushion for him the consequences of his acts
You do not figure in the equation at all.
Sometimes I see ex AH bf, seemingly having the time of his life. And I have been the one resenting his addiction all this time. I am carrying his lot: his pain, his nostalgia, his destruction. Heck, it seems I am walking on my shoes, and his, too. It feels as if it was ME whose mother died, as if it was me with a sister in the hospital, a very lonely person in this city trying to prove to everybody how cool and happy I am, when the truth in my heart is very different.
Slowly I recognize all this trash... is not mine. Self destruction characterized who I was before, but not now. It is his life, after all. He can do whatever he wants.
Your life is precious backporch, it is unfair to you to carry the burden of someone else's disease. I was a 'dead girl walking' crying for months, and I wish I had reached out for help then. This disease is terrible when faced alone, but even laughable when faced in a group, as someone said before. There is Al Anon, there is SR, there are individual therapists, close friends, family, hobbies you love. Start pursuing your support system, and its guaranteed you will feel better.
The more I know about alcoholism and about my own faults, the more in charge I feel, the more empowered to make changes.
Also, know that no one has ever defeated denial, it goes hand in hand with alcoholism. They will deny the sky is blue if needed. It is better if you understand now, that the only one that can take off this denial is him. It is unfair to put your happiness and joy on hold for something that may happen in a few decades / or may never even happen.
I am sad to tell you all this, when I arrived to SR I wanted answers to "fix" the alcoholic in my life. But I have learned since that, it is not in my hands, and never was just like anvil says. This alcoholic ex said the words I needed to hear, although painful "I am still the drunk I have always been. And I will drink until the very last day of my life". He said those words out loud. Other alcoholics may not say it, but it is true for them too.
It is a very, very sad disease, but we are here with you, and many people have walked through the same pain and anger... and have found joy in their lives once again. Please do not feel alone, because you are not. I really hope your husband starts the path to recovery, but that will be done in his own time, if ever at all. You cannot force it, no one can make it happen but him.
You can become frustrated and bitter or you can seek help for yourself and take baby steps to feel better and better, regardless of what anyone does...
Easier said than done but we are rooting for your happiness!!
However, I would like to remind you of the following truths:
/ alcoholism is chronic, that means, an alcoholic will be an alcoholic every day of his/her life
/ unless treated, alcoholism is progressive. There is no linearity, it goes in spirals, sometimes drinking less, etc. but unless he wants to recover and do whatever it takes to recover.. there is not much hope. If one thing is sure, is that it will get worse.
/ you did not cause his problem with alcohol
/ you never, never controlled his intake, and you will never be able to control it
/ you cannot cure him
/ you should not cooperate, as in, cushion for him the consequences of his acts
You do not figure in the equation at all.
Sometimes I see ex AH bf, seemingly having the time of his life. And I have been the one resenting his addiction all this time. I am carrying his lot: his pain, his nostalgia, his destruction. Heck, it seems I am walking on my shoes, and his, too. It feels as if it was ME whose mother died, as if it was me with a sister in the hospital, a very lonely person in this city trying to prove to everybody how cool and happy I am, when the truth in my heart is very different.
Slowly I recognize all this trash... is not mine. Self destruction characterized who I was before, but not now. It is his life, after all. He can do whatever he wants.
Your life is precious backporch, it is unfair to you to carry the burden of someone else's disease. I was a 'dead girl walking' crying for months, and I wish I had reached out for help then. This disease is terrible when faced alone, but even laughable when faced in a group, as someone said before. There is Al Anon, there is SR, there are individual therapists, close friends, family, hobbies you love. Start pursuing your support system, and its guaranteed you will feel better.
The more I know about alcoholism and about my own faults, the more in charge I feel, the more empowered to make changes.
Also, know that no one has ever defeated denial, it goes hand in hand with alcoholism. They will deny the sky is blue if needed. It is better if you understand now, that the only one that can take off this denial is him. It is unfair to put your happiness and joy on hold for something that may happen in a few decades / or may never even happen.
I am sad to tell you all this, when I arrived to SR I wanted answers to "fix" the alcoholic in my life. But I have learned since that, it is not in my hands, and never was just like anvil says. This alcoholic ex said the words I needed to hear, although painful "I am still the drunk I have always been. And I will drink until the very last day of my life". He said those words out loud. Other alcoholics may not say it, but it is true for them too.
It is a very, very sad disease, but we are here with you, and many people have walked through the same pain and anger... and have found joy in their lives once again. Please do not feel alone, because you are not. I really hope your husband starts the path to recovery, but that will be done in his own time, if ever at all. You cannot force it, no one can make it happen but him.
You can become frustrated and bitter or you can seek help for yourself and take baby steps to feel better and better, regardless of what anyone does...
Easier said than done but we are rooting for your happiness!!
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