Mattcake

Or Un-gay, part 2. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...68-un-gay.html

I had a breakthrough of sorts this past weekend. Basically, I told my family -along with some friends- to.. shove it, and to leave me alone. Their expectations finally too much for me to bear. I really meant it, for the first time in my life, and my wish was granted. I felt it happen, as I slid out of the stranglehold I allowed myself to be placed in.

I've never felt this alone and confused in my life. This is not what freedom is supposed to feel like, right? I've always sidestepped the fact that my alcohol abuse is a problem secondary to the big issue that has been lying beneath the surface all along: codependency, being a people pleaser, lacking self-esteem. Until this weekend, I foolishly believed that, by being edgy, opinionated and controversial, I was an independent person. In reality, I was behaving like a spoiled brat.

I've turned my back on other people's demands and expectations of me, and I feel lost and scared. I don't know what I want. Lacking a single bearing. The rush of excitement that came with realising that I've always been free was stopped cold by the sheer responsibility it entails.

I know this sounds neurotic. I'm rambling.. and scared and clueless.

Anna

Matt, Good for you!

I am so glad that you did the right thing for you. And, of course, you feel confused at the moment. One thing I have found about addiction is that there are so many layers involved. I had been in recovery for awhile before I realized that my codependency was the ultimate problem. I had believed that I was smart and independent and looking back, I realized that I had made all the decisions in my life, based on fear and pleasing other people.

This is a chance for you to grow and flourish. Embrace the opportunity.

Mia Farrow, an amazing woman, wrote a a book about her life called "What Falls Away". I was so intrigued by the title, but didn't quite get it until I dealt with my addiction and codependency. What falls away is all the 'stuff', everything that you believed about yourself that isn't true. What's left is Matt. How amazing is that!

marty888

Hi Matt,
Glad you did this mate, the weight will lift from your shoulders, I remember the frustration you had with your families unrealistic expectations on you only a month ago.
This is a step forward in your recovery mate. Good luck and please stay strong and safe.

suki44883

I'm so proud of you, mattie. Make those calls and do what needs to be done, sweetie.

Bamboozle

Nah, I see that as a way to cope.




Matt, you are inspiring to me. I've been hiding in my shell for a long time. It's time for me to leave it. Thank you for sharing your journey.

I hope you can keep posting your experiences here.

Good on you for standing up.

Zencat

I guess I see it as a emergence with purpose. Theirs the true you, the genuine you pushing past all the old programing that was laid upon you. Maybe its growing pains? But your post touched me as I feel a kinship with you Mat. Thanks for sharing.

Antone

Thank-you for your openness, honesty, and willingness to be vulnerable. Since I put down the bottle 86 days ago, I have felt unmasked at times as well and it hasn't been easy, far from it. But there's a tiny sense that I'm moving through something that the boozing buried. That sense seems to disappear at times and I feel cursed (and cursing), but it comes back, usually when I wake up in the morning without a hangover or regrets from the night before.

Dee74

(((Matt)))

I can write here and tell you that all life is change, or that I can see this change ultimately being very good.....but I remember - it's scary stuff....no net.

One day at a time works here too
D

IO Storm

Matty...

Change can be, usually is..frightening to the bone for any of us.

It is natural to feel "confused".., you have taken a stand and now you don't know

what to do with it, now that you are left there in the middle of the room..standing.

Keep it simple.

Stay sober.

I seem to be using a line lately..

"Don't bite off too much at once"...so I'll say what Dee said.

(I also love to borrow..)

One day at a time works here. In the same mode, one thing at a time works.

My best to you Matty.

Mattcake

Thank you Anna, Marty, Sook, Bam, Zen, Antone, D, IO, and whomever else read this thread.

This is difficult, I feel lost - like I'm in uncharted territory. Last night I was reading some passages on codependency and ACoA, and I was so overwhelmed that had to shut down my computer and go to bed, in tears.

I've always had the nagging feeling that alcoholism was not my "real" problem, as I couldn't quite relate to a lot of the experiences posted in SR. I think that I've found an answer- or, to be more accurate, everything within me feels that this is the issue that has been plaguing me for years, maybe since before I was even born. That's not to say that I'm going to start drinking again, of course, as it's all related.

And, while I was quite reluctant to get involved with AA, I'm more than willing to seek out some sort of codependency recovery group.

Despite the confusion/pain/disillusionment/fear, I feel grateful and blessed. Thank you so much for your advice.... The dry run is over, it's time for recovery.

Tazman53

Matt we had a speaker at a meeting several months ago, this guy was awesome, hearing your story I wish the 2 of you could talk. This man went through much of the same hell you have been through due to your sexuality, possibly worse, his father is an extreme right wing preacher who felt that all gays were going to rot in hell!!!!

Long story short Matt, he had been living a secret life for many years and had been sober in AA for I beleive 3 years when he had a mental break down. He finally came out of the closet to his family after the breakdown, he said at first he was an absolute mess he shared, his entire family disowned him, but slowly all of his family came around and accepted him for who he was except his father, there are some lost causes I guess, but what he shared further was that in the long run, his coming out the devil be damned allowed him to be himself, to no longer feel he needed to live a lie to anyone set him free.

He also shared that his sponsor had been telling him for a while before the break down that he may need to consider coming out to his family.

Matt if this mans story reflects what is in the future for you, it will get better, I think being confused at this point in time is understandable, but it should be, you are now walking fully in the light after all these years, it is going to take an adjustment period.

Mark75

I don't know, but my initial thoughts are....

Since you have lived your life by other people's expectations and now you are emancipating yourself... heck yes, it's scary. BUT... Why do you have to KNOW what you want or have a single bearing... right this minute?

Rather than analyzing and re-analyzing it with this overwhelming urgency to KNOW these things NOW... What if you were to just think about taking care of your basic needs... food, shelter, clothing, income.... then some things like entertainment (books, music....) and then, of course, your spiritual needs, and only you know how to fill those...

As you adjust to this new way of living, perhaps the answers to those bigger questions will come in time...

At this point in my own recovery, I can start getting tossed around inside the stormy seas of my own mind... what now? can I do this? what does it all mean? It often makes me seasick... until I refocus on the here and now... go to work... take my daughter to shop for a guitar... go to a meeting tonight... unpack from my memorial day trip... etc... The future is tomorrow. My spiritual needs are met through prayer and meditation... it helps a lot when I quit trying to know everything now, understand everything now and when I quit trying to run the show.

Just some initial spur of the moment thoughts as I read your post. Good for you as you start freeing yourself from the shackles of other peoples expectations for your own self!

Mark

P.S. Lose the guilt

Ananda

aw matty (hug)

I think letting go of who we think we are or who we were yesterday is terribly scarry.....but the only true way to live life (for me).

Ever read darknight of the soul...some of it might apply to what is basically to me a spiritual expereince you are going through...

When all our old ideas and supports are torn out from under us and we are left vunerable and empty to reality..

sorry..you know i'm a cornball nut

adore79

Hi bubs, I think you have taken a great step, not only regarding your family but also seeing where you need imporovment, ie. codependecy issues. I've watched you evolve and change for a long time and one constant i see within you is that you dont waste your insights, you find something that needs changing and you DO IT, like you did with your family. I think that is a major problem for a lot of people: they dont do what they know they need to do but you are different.

You still have many years to find out stuff about yourself, i guess it is a process that goes on forever, not to mention that we are always changing on top of it. Dont be afraid, you have what it takes to do the right things and to make your life into one that you love. I can totally relate to feeling scared about being on your own, i havent had the ability to face it myself but i have no doubt that you will do it with class.

love you

Hevyn

Hi Matt. Maybe I missed something, but I thought things had been smoothed over with your family - so I was sad to see the problems resurfaced. It's amazing what our families have the power to do to our development, all in the name of love and what's supposedly best for us. My mother is hugely disappointed in the person I've turned out to be - and it isn't about sexuality. It's taken me so long to emerge as the person I was meant to be. All those wasted years trying to live up to what they wanted. Thankfully, you're going through this whole process at a much younger age. I know you'll come out of this a free and happy man.

Mattcake

Hevyn, that's what discourages me - realising I've been blind for so long. That's why: Mark, I really appreciate your advice - this is going to take time, and I'm okay with that. Mostly, anyway. Taz, Nanny, F. thanks so much for your support I've read Dark Night of the Soul, there's a lot of food for thought there.

I'm not blaming my family. They did what they could. If anything, they were extremely indulgent of me, and they still are. In therapy, whenever I was asked if I'd been abused or neglected as a child, my answer was always a firm "no". That answer has not changed. However, until recently, I always thought that unconditional support and acceptance was a perk of sorts, and not the very real and basic need I now consider it to be.

joedris

Matt, Turning your back on the unrealistic demands and expectations of others is a good thing. But don't turn your back on the people themselves. Friends and family are important. Don't burn your bridges. Hopefully, they will recognize that you are only asserting your independence and not permanently casting them from your life. I hope you recognize this also.

sfgirl

When I read what you wrote, I had to go flip back through the book I had been reading today because I swear I had basically just read the same thing. It is from Everyday Zen by Charlotte Joko Beck: (when she uses the word practice she is referring to zazen or meditation practice, I think, but I think it equally works if you substitute the word recovery and/or growth for practice.)

p40-41"and slowly we begin to sense (horror of horrors!) that we must pay for the price of freedom. No one but ourselves can ever pay it for us. When I realized that truth it was one fo the strong shocks of my lifetime. I finally understood one day that only I can pay the rice of realization: no one, no one at all, can do this for me. Until we understand that hard truth, we will continue to resist practice; and even after we see it our resistance will continue, though not as much. It is hard to maintain the knowledge in its full power.

What are some of the ways in which we evade paying the price? The chief one is our constant unwillingness to bear our own suffering. We think we can evade it or ignore it or think it away, or persuade someone else to remove it for us. We feel that we are entitled not to feel the pain of our lives. We fervently hope and scheme for someone else— our husband or wife, our lover, our child— to handle our pain for us. Such resistance underminds our practice....We waver in our integrity when it is painful to maintain it. We give up on a relationship that no longer fulfills our dreams. Underneath all of these evasions is the belief that others should serve us; others should clean up the messes we make.

In fact nobody—but nobody—can experience our lives for us; nobody can feel for us the pain that life inevitable brings. The price we must pay to grow is always in front of our noses; and we never have a real practice until we realize our unwillingness to pay any price at all. Sadly, as long as we evade, we shut ourselves off from the wonder of what life is and what we are. We try to hold on to people who we think can mitigate our pain for us. We try to dominate them, to keep them with us, even to fool them into taking care of our suffering. But alas there are no free lunches, no giveaways. A jewel of a great price is never a giveaway. We must earn it, with steady, unrelenting practice.

We must earn it in each moment, not just in the "spiritual side" of our life. How we keep our obligations to others, how we serve others, whther we make the effort of attention that is called for each moment of our life— all of this is paying the price for the jewel.

I'm not talking about erecting a new set of ideals of "how I should be." I'm talking about earning the integrity and wholeness of our lives by every act we do, every word we say. From the ordinary point of vie, the price we must pay is enormous— though seen clearly, it is no price at all, but a privilege. As our practice grows we comprehend this."

Ok, as I copied that out, I realized that they weren't exactly the same thing but that there was a similarity and that was that there is something extremely lonely and suffering in freedom. But that I think if you stick with it, if you are able to bear it, then there is room for tremendous growth. Whatever she said, you said it much more clearly and concisely However overly-complicated this passage may seem though I do highly recommend the book although it has no direct link to recovery. I seriously do think though it is a manual for the recovery process if you just substitute the word recovery for practice. Interesting how that is. Oh, and good job, Matt. And I also know how lonely freedom can be and how empty you can feel once you have shed off all the needs and expectations of others after years of giving into those. Now you are like— wait who the hell am I? Slowly, it will come....

Mattcake

Joedris, I'm definitely not turning away from my loved ones - I DO love these people, very much so. Trying to establish boundaries is like a juggling act - I'm trying my best to be gentle, yet firm. Angry tirades and rampages only make things worse.. Thanks for bringing this up.

SFgirl, that passage is frightfully accurate. Today I've been reflecting on stuff and situations I chose to let go due to the level of independence required to carry them out. No regrets, the lesson is sinking in. It's like... discovering and establishing an identity, relying on spirituality AND setting goals that inspire me to take action. Like Mark said, it's a process. It starts with gratitude, I think.

vegibean

matt, I love reading your posts and your shares about what is going on with you. I relate totally to the people pleasing as that is something I have done my ENTIRE LIFE!!! My father used to tell me it was a serious "defect" of mine and that I should get it in check and all the while I just thought "but I'm such a nice person." My dad was right......God I miss that wise man.

matt, I have had to break some ties with people who were once close to me, one being my own mother. I don't feel alone, I feel empowered and I feel like for once I'm doing all the right things for me. I'm NOT stopping and worrying about what is going to affect the person next to me and feel bad about it.

One of those "sayings" that helped me get through times like this (what you're going through) is "stand up for what you believe in, even if that means standing alone."

IF I talked to my mom today, I'm sure she'd have a lot to say about what I do.........she also still "uses", doesn't work a program and I just don't agree with so many other things. However, I choose not to let what she does affect me any more and if that means keeping a lot of distance between us, than that's better than my being aggravated, hurt, angry.........I can't do that to myself.

I know that you're still struggling with some things but I feel that you're on the right path. Keep doing what you're doing, keep coming back and I hope that you find strength in the support that you get here.

Caitlin