Mother with substance abuse problems
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 6
Mother with substance abuse problems
Hi, I am new to the sober-recovery community. I am getting ready to leave for college soon. I have a younger brother and an older one who id disabled. My mother suffers from alcohol addiction and mixes Rx drugs with her alcohol. I know its not OK to talk about, so I am looking for support elsewhere. It has taken my along time to realize a problem even existed. But now it haunts me. Any advice would be appreciated for how to deal with this.
Thanks
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!!
I'm glad you found us, but sorry for the reason.
Al-anon IS a great place to find f2f support, but SR is also full of wonderful, supportive people with a lot of ES&H (experience, strength & hope). There is a lot of good information in the "stickies", which are the posts at the top of the forum.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm glad you found us, but sorry for the reason.
Al-anon IS a great place to find f2f support, but SR is also full of wonderful, supportive people with a lot of ES&H (experience, strength & hope). There is a lot of good information in the "stickies", which are the posts at the top of the forum.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Find a way to get yourself to a meeting. It is so beneficial. In the meantime, take care of you. You are so worth it. I am glad to hear you are off to school soon.... congrats and good for you!!!! Keep coming back here, we are here for you.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I'm glad you found us. Please read all you can here and post...the support is great.
If your folks keep a tight rein and you don't want to stir things up this summer, perhaps SR will be a good start and when you are off to college you can find Alanon meetings in the area? Hugs
If your folks keep a tight rein and you don't want to stir things up this summer, perhaps SR will be a good start and when you are off to college you can find Alanon meetings in the area? Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to s.r. glad you found us. sometimes it is good just to have a place to vent. you say your mom is an alcoholic. how is your dad? is he able to make sure your brothers are being taken care of? read around & keep coming back. prayers,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 6
My mother is an alcoholic, but in no way admits it. She has chronic pain and takes lots of pain medicine. Every day she takes lots of Ibuprofen, migraine meds, and muscle relaxants, in addition to Oxycontin now, and sleep medicine at night. Adding to this, she has at least a bottle of Gin (a really big one) a week. Her pain keeps getting worse and she is vomiting and has worse headaches in the morning. I think these seem more like hangovers. The degree to which she has gotten worse in the past few months is remarkable.
My dad does his best to care for my brothers, however he works full-time. So each evening he comes home and has to make dinner, clean up, and put my little brother to bed. Its very hard to manage all of this and take care of myself. I have been struggling with this for many years (pretty much since my older brother had a brain injury when i was 8) and I have finally started to care for myself. Its very hard, esp since it is all a secret.
thanks for the support!
<3
My dad does his best to care for my brothers, however he works full-time. So each evening he comes home and has to make dinner, clean up, and put my little brother to bed. Its very hard to manage all of this and take care of myself. I have been struggling with this for many years (pretty much since my older brother had a brain injury when i was 8) and I have finally started to care for myself. Its very hard, esp since it is all a secret.
thanks for the support!
<3
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Antioch, Ca.
Posts: 158
dear Hope,
Welcome,:ghug3
U have so much to shoulder young lady. I really feel for you. As for this sight, it is a wealth of information.
Having personally dealt with handicap children ( i have one of my own), i know how it affects the entire family.
Your mom sounds like she has lost hope, but there are so many programs available for your brother. It seems your mom just can't let go, but yet can't cope.
It is exteemly hard to understand unless you have gone thru it. There is so much guilt for you mother. I know, because it was for me also. After 7 years of seaching for an answer, we finally found out that it was DR. and hospital error that caused my son to be handicapped. Induced labor and monitor wasn't working, baby was in the canal for over 40 min. It was heartbreaking.
With the help of wonderful physicians, family and friends, we found the perfect school for tim. I couldn't imagine a day without him, yet understood, he needed his life also.
He is 29 now, and still attends school @ St. Mary's. He is now in the Group Home there, has graduated High school, has 2 jobs, calls everyday, and loves equestrian horseback riding and basketball, and most of all his Playstation 2.
As for my other 2 sons, they adore their brother.
It is easy to succumb to the pressure of taking care of handicapped children. What I did alone, took 2 shfts of workers to accomplish. This is how overwhelming it becomes.
And sadly, the healthy children are left on their own to fend for themselves because mom has nothing left.
That is where you are now. and she has nothing left.
So, Good for you, that you are off to School. Although you have learned so much more than most your age already, it will shape the wonderful young woman you will become.
Welcome,:ghug3
U have so much to shoulder young lady. I really feel for you. As for this sight, it is a wealth of information.
Having personally dealt with handicap children ( i have one of my own), i know how it affects the entire family.
Your mom sounds like she has lost hope, but there are so many programs available for your brother. It seems your mom just can't let go, but yet can't cope.
It is exteemly hard to understand unless you have gone thru it. There is so much guilt for you mother. I know, because it was for me also. After 7 years of seaching for an answer, we finally found out that it was DR. and hospital error that caused my son to be handicapped. Induced labor and monitor wasn't working, baby was in the canal for over 40 min. It was heartbreaking.
With the help of wonderful physicians, family and friends, we found the perfect school for tim. I couldn't imagine a day without him, yet understood, he needed his life also.
He is 29 now, and still attends school @ St. Mary's. He is now in the Group Home there, has graduated High school, has 2 jobs, calls everyday, and loves equestrian horseback riding and basketball, and most of all his Playstation 2.
As for my other 2 sons, they adore their brother.
It is easy to succumb to the pressure of taking care of handicapped children. What I did alone, took 2 shfts of workers to accomplish. This is how overwhelming it becomes.
And sadly, the healthy children are left on their own to fend for themselves because mom has nothing left.
That is where you are now. and she has nothing left.
So, Good for you, that you are off to School. Although you have learned so much more than most your age already, it will shape the wonderful young woman you will become.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Antioch, Ca.
Posts: 158
So, :wtf2
now you are asking for direction. Here u go.
It's time for you to sit down with your mom and voice your feelings. Tell her lovingly, that you realize her enormous responsibility, but this is not the way to handle this. Voice your concern of her drinking and self induced medical problems, because this is what it is, self induced. Let her know how it is affecting YOU>
Now, is where you come in. Start looking into Programs for your brothers. Do your research and start talking to your mother about them. She will be angry with you at first, how dare you, but be adamant. Your brothers deserve a life also, and there is so much out there. But you must search for EXACTLY the program that suits your mother's needs. Hopefully you will start with a day school, giving your mom several hours a day to recharge. You will see a tremendous difference in your mom as well as your brother as it progresses. As their social life starts to develop, their personalities as well as their self esteem starts to blossom. Their maturity level increases, it is truly amazing to watch. And this is what you want for them. Hopefully to acheive everything they are cabable of at this point in their life. They will never do this at home.
I realize you are young, but i know you have shouldered much in your young life. You can do this. Get your father involved AFTER you have something to offer them. If you need help, I will happily point you in the right direction to seek help in this.
Remember, be gentle, as this will not be easy to persuade Mom or Dad that this is necessary, but i suspect, Dad already knows.
Good luck!
susan
now you are asking for direction. Here u go.
It's time for you to sit down with your mom and voice your feelings. Tell her lovingly, that you realize her enormous responsibility, but this is not the way to handle this. Voice your concern of her drinking and self induced medical problems, because this is what it is, self induced. Let her know how it is affecting YOU>
Now, is where you come in. Start looking into Programs for your brothers. Do your research and start talking to your mother about them. She will be angry with you at first, how dare you, but be adamant. Your brothers deserve a life also, and there is so much out there. But you must search for EXACTLY the program that suits your mother's needs. Hopefully you will start with a day school, giving your mom several hours a day to recharge. You will see a tremendous difference in your mom as well as your brother as it progresses. As their social life starts to develop, their personalities as well as their self esteem starts to blossom. Their maturity level increases, it is truly amazing to watch. And this is what you want for them. Hopefully to acheive everything they are cabable of at this point in their life. They will never do this at home.
I realize you are young, but i know you have shouldered much in your young life. You can do this. Get your father involved AFTER you have something to offer them. If you need help, I will happily point you in the right direction to seek help in this.
Remember, be gentle, as this will not be easy to persuade Mom or Dad that this is necessary, but i suspect, Dad already knows.
Good luck!
susan
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 6
Thank you so much dslalonde. Your words are very encouraging and helpful. At this time I am not sure if i can talk to my mom or not. I am very concerned they would cut me off, and while i have other ppl i could live with, I do not have alot of money. Lately it sorta feels like I am between a rock and a hard place. Every day is just a struggle, both personally and with my family. I have some health problems of my own (mostly mental) so it just adds to the complications. Luckily, I have been doing pretty well (at least for me) lately, which is good.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Antioch, Ca.
Posts: 158
At this time, you have no choice but to face your mother. For your sake as well as hers.
This is the perfect time.
If you feel you can't face her, do it in a letter. Where you can take your time and really think about what you want to tell her without getting defensive. Remember, you must do this with love, and voice your concerns about her drinking so heavily. Relate to her the pain of raising two handicapped children. If fact, compliment her on her accp\omplishments. Let her know what you think of her as a mom. You've got to hit the right spot to knock her back to reality. Explain that you will help her to find a wonderful place where your brothers can prosper and grow. And they can, in turn, so will your mom.
A rock and a hard place is a box with walls. there are no walls, hope. Only when you keep hitting these standing walls over and over they begin to feel like rocks.
You've taken the first step of asking for help, which means those walls now have cracks. It really isn't that hard. As i tell you help is available, everywhere, it is just to find the right place that your family is comfortable with. As for you, you seem mentally fine, just stressed and feel there is no way out of your predicament. I admit, you are young to take this on, but trust me, once you have found the answer to this, it will do much to prepare you for what lies ahead in your life.
PS. I like your screen name...............just remember, hope is never elusive.:ghug
This is the perfect time.
If you feel you can't face her, do it in a letter. Where you can take your time and really think about what you want to tell her without getting defensive. Remember, you must do this with love, and voice your concerns about her drinking so heavily. Relate to her the pain of raising two handicapped children. If fact, compliment her on her accp\omplishments. Let her know what you think of her as a mom. You've got to hit the right spot to knock her back to reality. Explain that you will help her to find a wonderful place where your brothers can prosper and grow. And they can, in turn, so will your mom.
A rock and a hard place is a box with walls. there are no walls, hope. Only when you keep hitting these standing walls over and over they begin to feel like rocks.
You've taken the first step of asking for help, which means those walls now have cracks. It really isn't that hard. As i tell you help is available, everywhere, it is just to find the right place that your family is comfortable with. As for you, you seem mentally fine, just stressed and feel there is no way out of your predicament. I admit, you are young to take this on, but trust me, once you have found the answer to this, it will do much to prepare you for what lies ahead in your life.
PS. I like your screen name...............just remember, hope is never elusive.:ghug
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Hello Elusivehope
First I would like to say welcome to our Soberrecovery family. Here you will find lots of support, hope and the courage to keep moving forward.
I am so sorry that you have to deal with this problem. I don't know how old you are, but know how difficult it is to deal with drugs at any age.
I don't know what I can say to help you through this terrible time except to encourage you to keep coming back here, especially when you need to vent!
It would be great if you could get to a meeting, however, if you can't being here with us helps.
One thing I want to ask you is, did you ever see the movie "From Homeless to Harvard"? It is the most inspiring movie I have ever seen. This is a true story about a young girl whose mother was a drug addict, and her father was both an alcoholic and a drug addict. It tells how she coped with this life.
The reason I menton it is your life sounds like hers was. I wish you would rent it, as it may help you gain the strength to keep moving forward.
In any event, darlin' you need to take care of yourself first. You must stay strong.
What do you mean when you say "they will cut you off"? Sounds like your Dad is also in denial if he is doing everything except finding some type of a program for the boys or mother or all. Is he in denial because he doesn't want anyone to know about what is happening here? If not, maybe you can suggest he look for a program that can help your family.
Please keep coming back here and let us know how things are going for you.
Hugs, Devastated
I am so sorry that you have to deal with this problem. I don't know how old you are, but know how difficult it is to deal with drugs at any age.
I don't know what I can say to help you through this terrible time except to encourage you to keep coming back here, especially when you need to vent!
It would be great if you could get to a meeting, however, if you can't being here with us helps.
One thing I want to ask you is, did you ever see the movie "From Homeless to Harvard"? It is the most inspiring movie I have ever seen. This is a true story about a young girl whose mother was a drug addict, and her father was both an alcoholic and a drug addict. It tells how she coped with this life.
The reason I menton it is your life sounds like hers was. I wish you would rent it, as it may help you gain the strength to keep moving forward.
In any event, darlin' you need to take care of yourself first. You must stay strong.
What do you mean when you say "they will cut you off"? Sounds like your Dad is also in denial if he is doing everything except finding some type of a program for the boys or mother or all. Is he in denial because he doesn't want anyone to know about what is happening here? If not, maybe you can suggest he look for a program that can help your family.
Please keep coming back here and let us know how things are going for you.
Hugs, Devastated
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