I am an ACOA....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
I am an ACOA....
Hi all -- some of you may recognize me from the F&F forum. I'm not really sure what I want to say here, but I know that I need to be here, in the ACOA forum....
A couple of years ago I began to realize that my life was out of control. I found out my husband was an alcoholic, and within a few months of that discovery I filed for divorce. Problem solved, right? I found the F&F forum, I began going to Al-Anon, I started therapy, I started my daughter in therapy, I got a sponsor, I started working the steps. And, I started to feel better and feel hopeful.
But, there was always more. Once in a while a small bubble would make it to the surface and "pop". Small revelations and realizations.....
First of all - I have to accept that me and all of my siblings wound up married to alcoholics -- that can't be a concidence.
Next - My Mom confides in me about my Dad's drinking; and that he is an "alcoholic". My denial is STRONG; and I cannot accept it. I believe her, but I somehow can't accept it (if that makes sense).
Finally - I read (for the 100th time) the list of ACOA traits and finally admit there has to be some reason that I have ALL of them.
And last but not least, I cannot even consider the fact that I may be ACOA without starting to cry. Tears of relief that what is "wrong" with me is normal, and there is a solution. Tears of fear that the road to recovery will be painful, and that my recovery will likely affect relationships with my family members.
I am scared to death to start this journey. I am thankful for my Al-Anon sponsor and my therapist. I recognize lots of you on this board from F&F; and I look forward to the help and support I know I will find here.
The denial is so easy and so comfortable, how can I be ACOA if I didn't even realize my Dad was (is) an alcholic? Our family life was very normal..... I'm a bit confused and overwhelmed. But, I want to get better.
A couple of years ago I began to realize that my life was out of control. I found out my husband was an alcoholic, and within a few months of that discovery I filed for divorce. Problem solved, right? I found the F&F forum, I began going to Al-Anon, I started therapy, I started my daughter in therapy, I got a sponsor, I started working the steps. And, I started to feel better and feel hopeful.
But, there was always more. Once in a while a small bubble would make it to the surface and "pop". Small revelations and realizations.....
First of all - I have to accept that me and all of my siblings wound up married to alcoholics -- that can't be a concidence.
Next - My Mom confides in me about my Dad's drinking; and that he is an "alcoholic". My denial is STRONG; and I cannot accept it. I believe her, but I somehow can't accept it (if that makes sense).
Finally - I read (for the 100th time) the list of ACOA traits and finally admit there has to be some reason that I have ALL of them.
And last but not least, I cannot even consider the fact that I may be ACOA without starting to cry. Tears of relief that what is "wrong" with me is normal, and there is a solution. Tears of fear that the road to recovery will be painful, and that my recovery will likely affect relationships with my family members.
I am scared to death to start this journey. I am thankful for my Al-Anon sponsor and my therapist. I recognize lots of you on this board from F&F; and I look forward to the help and support I know I will find here.
The denial is so easy and so comfortable, how can I be ACOA if I didn't even realize my Dad was (is) an alcholic? Our family life was very normal..... I'm a bit confused and overwhelmed. But, I want to get better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hey, nowinsituation, what's up? 
I'm glad you found this forum. You're a wonderful part of the F&FA community and I feel lucky to have you here too! I wandered over here one day after posting about a family member on F&FA, and it hit me like a ton of bricks: I had been learning how to detach and all of that from my A people, but...how did I GET like this?
Oh...THAT'S how.
It was like the next step of my journey. Once I learned how to cope with them, then I still had me to deal with
And I had the same grateful, tearful, scared feeling you did. Like getting ready to take the first steps on a journey that would be very beautiful but possibly difficult too.
Have you talked to your counselor about being ACOA? Does he/she have experience in this area? It was really, really helpful for me to have face-to-face support when working through this. Books by Janet Woititz have helped too.
The good news is that your skills in dealing with your alcoholic spouse will serve you well here too. I look back and think about how horrible I thought it would be, and really, it was hard but not earthshattering, and that's because of the detachment skills I'd already learned. I'm STILL not in control of anyone but myself, and I STILL had to adjust my expectations that anything would change. Life is still good, and much more solid and peaceful.
So glad you're here
I'm glad you found this forum. You're a wonderful part of the F&FA community and I feel lucky to have you here too! I wandered over here one day after posting about a family member on F&FA, and it hit me like a ton of bricks: I had been learning how to detach and all of that from my A people, but...how did I GET like this?
Oh...THAT'S how.
It was like the next step of my journey. Once I learned how to cope with them, then I still had me to deal with
And I had the same grateful, tearful, scared feeling you did. Like getting ready to take the first steps on a journey that would be very beautiful but possibly difficult too.Have you talked to your counselor about being ACOA? Does he/she have experience in this area? It was really, really helpful for me to have face-to-face support when working through this. Books by Janet Woititz have helped too.
The good news is that your skills in dealing with your alcoholic spouse will serve you well here too. I look back and think about how horrible I thought it would be, and really, it was hard but not earthshattering, and that's because of the detachment skills I'd already learned. I'm STILL not in control of anyone but myself, and I STILL had to adjust my expectations that anything would change. Life is still good, and much more solid and peaceful.
So glad you're here
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Originally Posted by nowinsituation 
how can I be ACOA if I didn't even realize my Dad was (is) an alcholic? Our family life was very normal.....
For a very long time I also could not face it without crying. I could not face the idea that my AF was so selfish... the many times I was neglected or suffered because drinking was more important. It just didn't compute for a long time because my dad was supposed to love and protect me... just as I had always loved and protected him. I can't count the number of times I got into a vehicle with him knowing he was drunk... sometimes so drunk that he literally had to crawl from the vehicle, up the front steps, and into the house. Ask me then if my AF was an alcoholic? Hell no. I trusted my AF not to be so careless with my life and yet there it was... denial, keeping me comforted as I watched him crawl up those front steps.
But once I faced it, the broken dam could not be repaired. Letting go of the denial is terrifying, but it's also a chance for so much healing to really begin. If you want some resources, I found "The Complete ACOA Sourcebook: Adult Children of Alcoholics at Home, at Work and in Love" (by Janet Woititz and Robert Ackerman) and "Toxic Parents" (by Susan Forward and Craig Buck) particularly helpful.
Even for those of us "recovered", reading other people's journeys really helps to solidify the lessons we've worked hard to learn, especially when our ACoA baggage gets heavy from time to time. Definitely feel free to post more here too
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Thanks GL & Dothi. Right now I am feeling really good, that I am on the right track.
My therapist seemed a little surprised by my identification with the ACOA characteristics. I have been seeing her for about 8 months, and have so far avoided delving in to family of origin issues. I would REALLY liked to have been able to wrap up all of my issues as having been married to an A. But, deep down I knew better. Like you said GL -- I am out of it now, time to figure out how I got there.
Before I filed for divorce I went to a different therapist. I skimmed over a lot of stuff with her and told her I was feeling OK -- we both agreed that I really didn't need to see her anymore. I was at the time dealing with actually telling my family (esp. my mom) that I was going to divorce. That sent me into a panic and my reaction seemed way over the top. But, I faked it I guess -- too scary to face it then. I was just hoping all those feeling would go away on their own.
My parents' 50th wedding anniversary is coming up. That has really brought alot of this stuff to the surface. I have been going through old family photos to put together a slide show. We LOOK like such a normal and happy family!!! Thank you Dothi -- I think that is very true, that there were abnormal parts that I trusted to be normal.
I tell people we (my family) put the "fun" in "dysfunctional" (ha ha ha). I love my family very much; and I'm scared to uncover things that will diminish that love. But, I think it will help me love myself, so maybe it will only increase the amount of love I can feel for others?
My therapist seemed a little surprised by my identification with the ACOA characteristics. I have been seeing her for about 8 months, and have so far avoided delving in to family of origin issues. I would REALLY liked to have been able to wrap up all of my issues as having been married to an A. But, deep down I knew better. Like you said GL -- I am out of it now, time to figure out how I got there.
Before I filed for divorce I went to a different therapist. I skimmed over a lot of stuff with her and told her I was feeling OK -- we both agreed that I really didn't need to see her anymore. I was at the time dealing with actually telling my family (esp. my mom) that I was going to divorce. That sent me into a panic and my reaction seemed way over the top. But, I faked it I guess -- too scary to face it then. I was just hoping all those feeling would go away on their own.
My parents' 50th wedding anniversary is coming up. That has really brought alot of this stuff to the surface. I have been going through old family photos to put together a slide show. We LOOK like such a normal and happy family!!! Thank you Dothi -- I think that is very true, that there were abnormal parts that I trusted to be normal.
I tell people we (my family) put the "fun" in "dysfunctional" (ha ha ha). I love my family very much; and I'm scared to uncover things that will diminish that love. But, I think it will help me love myself, so maybe it will only increase the amount of love I can feel for others?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
If anything, nowinsituation, I have more tenderness for my family members now that I see them clearly, for what they are, flaws and all.
Now, I may not want to spend a lot of time around them LOL. But I've never stopped loving them. They are flawed creatures, just as I am, but in a different way. They did things that hurt me. Those things are over, and I am able to live in the Now.
It did take a lot of work to get to this point, but as you've pointed out, all of that work has made me a more compassionate person all around. This is good work.
You will be fine. I just know it. :ghug3
Now, I may not want to spend a lot of time around them LOL. But I've never stopped loving them. They are flawed creatures, just as I am, but in a different way. They did things that hurt me. Those things are over, and I am able to live in the Now.
It did take a lot of work to get to this point, but as you've pointed out, all of that work has made me a more compassionate person all around. This is good work.
You will be fine. I just know it. :ghug3
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
